Even In Hell They Wrestle

[Kaney]

Yeah, what can I say Kaney, I idolize you.

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:blink:

And no, I don't know RM, and I've never spoken to Summers off EWB.

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I never said you did. I just said that it's a lot of bullshit, you know and THEY know it

[probablyoliver]

It may be bullshit, but it's so bad it's good. I know it won't last but as a pisstake to the whole 'Even in Heaven they Wrestle' shite the other day and the way everyone was in disgust at it, it's pretty humerous.

[cactusguy]

LAME!

[Chris the Human]

Uh... guys.... quit whorin' up the diary.

So, I flinched on more than one occasion (mostly the racist stuff, I don't care if people make fun of dead people - like they care), but I laughed on a few as well.

Makes me think I want to start a new diary, but I can't multi-task for shit.

Keep it up

[Kaney]

Uh... guys.... quit whorin' up the diary.

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[probablyoliver]

Uh... guys.... quit whorin' up the diary.

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Thats a little ironic, don't you think...

Anyway, to make this even slightly relevant... What has this got to do with EWR?

[TheRyno]

This is so wrong. This is the most offensive thing I've ever read. And that's what makes it so great. Even better, Triple H with the Pirate gimmick! But who's butt pirate is he?

[Guest Pirate Bud the Staggering Drunk]

When will EWR become involved with this? Sure this is interesting to say the least, but I wanna see Triple Arrr job to Hitler....And could you put like the translations of what hitler is saying? I don't speak german.

[Hellfire]

I really couldn't care less if EWR was involved in this at all, the only thing I know is that it's pretty fucking funny and I want to see some more. Has it crossed the line? Who the fuck cares? Lines should be crossed, shitted on and then crossed again. Great job guys.

[Trav226]

use babel fish translation

I love this diary

Edited September 17, 2005 by Trav226

[I Don't Mind]

So offensive yet so beautiful. i love it but i'm dying to see an actual wrestling show put on here. i need to see some offensive matches to go along with these offensive storylines. first blood and S&M match i think would be somewhat appropriate i think, though i think the way this diary's going it'll b something more like "Loser takes it up the ass" match or something

[williamweasel]

This is ok I guess, some of it was funny, other bits (the racism) gets boring after awhile and some bits (The Hart brothers) are just not needed. It's a good read for what it is I guess, but I preferred the other jokey diary with Christmas Kane and the Cardboard HIAC.

[TOG]

Bwhahahahahahahahahar.

[Guest TMacThaShiznit]

The whole point of the diary is to be offensive. It has racism, am I racist? Hell no. Am I a fan of it? No. Does it make me laugh in this diary? Yes. Its tryin' to piss people off in a way that makes it funny. It's crossed the line, and it's got stuff never before seen in a diary. That's whats so great about it. If you're offended, tough..cuz this diary is shiznit.

I don't care whether or not there's a show, because these segments are enough..but when a show does happen I'll be on the edge of my seat.

[CKN]

I have never laughed so much at a diary before. Keep up the great work.... but one suggestion. Can we get a show sometime soon?

[Hajjhowe]

I really couldn't care less if EWR was involved in this at all, the only thing I know is that it's pretty fucking funny and I want to see some more. Has it crossed the line? Who the fuck cares? Lines should be crossed, shitted on and then crossed again. Great job guys.

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[Summers]

My god, what do you guys have against backstories? We're trying to set the scene and the mood for the location. Since then, RM and I haven't been on at the same time, hence the lack of an update, sorry.

[Guest Ringmaster]

NITRO IS ORTIN

The camera pans to Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone, both of whom have just been admitted to hell, for pedophelia or some shit. The babble about some stupid crap, generally using a bunch of retarded catchphrases until Hitler made his way out, grabbing the mike, to the cheers of the bastards, pedophiles and fags that comprised the majority of the crowd in hell. The camera panned to some rabbi with a sign that said HITLER IS GAY. Pshh, no one said the Jews were a smart bunch did they?

Hitler spoke:

“Ein Juden! Ein Islamisten! Pero undred kaka en in achtung! Achtung! Eicht bin en in Fuhrer! Icht bin Hitler! Achtung! Panzer! Flashenbier all is gut! Ja nein kreftenrep ichten lkim! Loken fraken poetrica loksitn krapppen! Icht nein echt arbeten! Bitten a flaschenbiere! Flaschenbiere! Kaka ein flaschenbiere! Peepee ein flaschbiere! Icht bin Hitler! Sauerkraut! Neggar nad druklen smoteri! Jankulovski! Hitzelsperger! Icht ein grosse queeren! Beckinbauer! Nein admitern lo mondo ein peepee! Deustschland! Sieg Heil!

Most of the crowd screamed Sieg Heil or Heil Hitler or some fucking retarded thing. Some Jewish guy threw a boll of matzah ball soup at Hitler, who pulled out his revolver and shot him to the crowd’s pleasure.

“Das icht ballack! Na icht beckinbauer! Na icht van nilsteroy! Icht bin grosse kaka!

At this point, Hava Negila rang out across Hell Stadium, as Barry Horowitz made his way out to a majority of boos. Some biker in the crowd threw a cup of bunch of pennies at him, but missed. Horowitz, naturally, dropped to ground and picked them all up, stuffing them in his trunks. He got into the ring, with another microphone and began speaking.

“Hateler! Ha! See what I did? I made a joke! Hateler! Oy Vey that’s a good one! Let me tell you something Hateler, the Jewish people will not bow down to you! We are the Chosen People! And one day, barouch ashem, the Messiah will bring his self down on here and lead the way to yeshpitlemak! And let me tell you something, barouch ashem, you won’t be one of the men on the road to yeshpitlemak! So, Shitdolf… Ha! See what I did? Another joke! I am on a role! Yeah! Let me tell you something Shitdolg, mazol tov to you, you ain’t gonna be one of yehupetz heading to greatness! Yeah!”

Horowitz threw the mike at Hitler, as the bored shitless crowd look on to see the Fuhrer’s reaction.

“Achtung juden beckinbauer! Hahahaha!”

Hitler then gave Horowitz a stunner. Dancing around Horowitz, he then pulled his pants down, exposing his grandakstik schwarz, and began to pull down the Jew’s trunks, just as Arabic music hit and Mohammed Hassan made his way out to a chorus of boos.

Hassan stood at the ramp, leaving the crowd wonder whether he was going to side with the Nazi or the Jew? Hassan then dropped to his knees.

“Bismillah rahmat allah ouh rakhim!”

No one knew what he said, but, whatever, he made his way to the ring and stood nose to nose with Hitler. He then snarled and grunted. Hitler was clearly taken aback by his “native” smell and was backing away. Hassan then simply decided to leave, as Hitler began to have his way with Horowitz’s slimy brown anus.

JR: Bah gawd! Sloberknocker! Bah gawd!

Tony: By god indeed JR. By god indeed. This is shapping to be the greatest night in the history of hell. I say, what was the meaning of that? Who knows? Mean Gene does! Call the hotline to find out! Kids, get you parent’s permission to call!

JR: Hitler’s having his way with that kyke! Bah gawd! We’ll be back after these messages.

Some shit commercial about joining the Jihad and purging the world of the American scum aired, it was said to be sponsored by the SAHYDER group (Stupid Arabs Harrassing Your Daughter’s Erotic Rainbow).

As we return from commercial, we hear the Blue Blazer’s theme music, but he is no where to be seen.

As the crowd chants “Nugget”, he suddenly, he makes his entrance, falling 70 odd feet from the roof and hitting the turnbuckle head first.

JR: That entrance is a government mule!

Tony: You’re right Jimbo, this is the greatest night in sports entertainment!

The Blazer just lays down, neck first, on the turnbuckle, awaiting his entrance.

The crowd, knowing full well its Hulk Hogan, expect to hear his famous theme music, Real American, but rather, are treated to an instrumental version of “Back in the USSR”, because of copyright issues (yes, even in Hell)\

Hogan makes his way out, with Zeus and Ed Leslie, and poses for the fan and does all that stupid shit the marks love. He gets into the ring and poses some for, before the bell rings and the match is under way.

Hogan goes after the Blazer and picks him up, going for a slam, but falls down under the costumed superstar’s limp dead body. Hogan winces in pain, clutching his hip

JR: Good gawd almighty! Hogan’s hip’s been broken in half!

Tony: Ha! That’ll put butts in seats!

Hogan tries to get up, but falls back down. After some awful selling for roughly 2 minutes, he gets up and starts to Hulk up. Meanwhile, the Blazer just remains dead on the ground. He picks up the Blazer and begins to hit him over and over again, before slamming him down. He picks him back up, hits him some more. And then sends him to the ropes. Of course, the Blue Blazer is dead and just falls the fuck back down. He motions to Leslie and Zeus, who go inside the ring, pick the deceased off the ground, run to the ropes with him and run back straight into Hogan’s boot. Of course, the impact was so great that the Blazer’s head just flew into the crowd. Ed Leslie then turned on Hogan, and hit him from behind with a woman’s high-heel shoe. Hogan no sold it, fought him off and sent his hair cutting ass out of the ring. He then ran to the ropes, hit the legdrop, and got the dubya.

Hogan then posed some more, with Zeus in the background. Ed Leslie got into the ring, made same weird hand gestures and left with Hogan and Zeus.

Scott Keith said this match was a ***1/4 one, guess people are fucking right when they say he’s retarded nowadays.

After this, the Kliq made their way out, with Hall and Nash playing b-ball with Owen Hart’s head. Hall grabbed the mike and spoke.

Hall: “Hey yo! Survey says one more, for the dead guys!”

He tossed the mike to Nash, who said “Too sweet, Scotty. Just too sweet”. Aldo Montoya asked for the mike so he could speak some stupid shit too, but a Jacknife Powerbomb for his troubles, as Hall stood by laughing.

Hall: “Don’t fuck with the Kliq yo! Aldo, you fucked up, now we gonna make you fuck Owen Hart! Too sweet!”

Hall then tipped over and fell into some near by garbage

Nash then grabbed the dead guy’s body and started to undress him, but Bret Hart’s music (an instrumental version of What’s Love Got To Do With It) broke out, as the Hitman made his way out to the ring.

Hart: “Kliq! You screwed me back in the WWF! You screwed me back in WCW! And now you wanna screw my brother! Well no one screws with a Hart! Well not anymore at least!”

Hart ran to the fucking ring and started clearing house. Nash ran at Hart, but fell down, clutching his quad. Suddenly, Aldo Montoya hit Hart with a mule kick circa Starrcade 99. The Kliq then took the dead body and left with it. Hart woke up, screaming the word “screwed” over and over again.

Tony: That’s some show Jimbo.

JR: Good gawd almighty, Bret Hart’s head is the size of a baseball mitt”

There’s another commercial break, this time its about a homosexual escort service called the Horny Brick.

As we come back, some dreadful theme song, which basically consists of some sub par rapper saying “We niggaz, yeah we niggaz” over and over again plays, as, well, the Niggers make their way out, flashing all sorts of gang signals. On the way to the ring, Bad News Brown shanks a fan in the crowd and steals his wallet, while Ron Simmons asks every other fan if he’s got any tits or weed. As they get into the ring, D’Lo grabs the mike.

D’lo: Yo, yo, yo, you all better recognize!

Bad News Brown, seemingly the leader of the group, smacks D’Lo over the head and grabs the mike

Brown: Shut the fuck foo’ before I whoop yo’ ass. Stop talking that shit lingo, we is bad mutha fuckas not a whole bunch of cracka-loving bitches. Now I gots something to say to all you sons of bitches in the crowd. We is here to represent da African-American community. For years we been mistreated in da rasslin’ world and we been representin’ fo’ sho. So I is here to call out any motha fuckin’ cracka who think he gots da shit to beat me. Imma hit that foo’ with da ghetto blasta and he gonna got knocked the fuck out. Booker man, tell’em whatchu gotta say.

He tosses the mike to Booker T, who snarls a bit mentions something about the east side being the real side to the fans and speaks.

Booker: Yo Bad News, thems suckas in da crowd be whack. We is held down niggas, and we is gonna do our best to stop da shiznit from being whack. Yeah. Bring in one of ‘em cracka boys from out there so Bad News can smoke his ass. Now can you dig that suckas?

Suddenly, some yodeling-like music hits and out comes the Arian brotherhood of Heindenreich, Hardcore Holly and Droz. Heindenreich grunts a whole lot, as Holly wheels out that worthless cripple who has a mike in his hand.

Droz: What the fuck did you niggers just say? Speak English, you black pieces of shit! Or go back to Senegal! Now after my translator in the back told me what you coons just said, I couldn’t resist but bring out my boys out here. You see, back in the old days, I could walk. I could run. I could fuck another man. Now, all I got is this fuckin’ wheelchair, because of some worthless nigger who can’t do a hold properly! So, I am gonna get revenge! Bad News Brown, you worthless nigger, you wanna face a proper white man? Well you gonna face none of other than the toughest man ever, Hardcore Holly. Yee-ha!

Holly ran to the ring as the match began.

Hardcore Holly vs. Bad News Brown.

Brown and Holly stood face to face and Holly slapped Brown. The nigger then grabbed Holly and kneed him in the balls, before punching him a whole bunch of times. He then hit a suplex, got his ass back up, picked up Holly and threw his ass out of the ring. As he haggled with referee Earl Hebner about the price of a Captain Charisma shirt, the other niggers did a number on Holly. Booker shanked Holly a whole bunch of times in the stomach, D’Lo Brown stabbed him with a syringe and then Ron Simmons sodomized him. As they rolled Holly back into the ring, he was an easy pray for the Ghetto Blaster to give Brown the deserved victory.

Winner: Bad News Brown

Scott Keith says this match is worth **1/4, must be some good fucking crack he’s smoking.

Droz, irate at his Arian brother’s loss grabbed the mike.

Droz: You fucking niggers, going all affirmative action on the white man again! That’s it, next week, we’s challenging all of you’s to a street fight!

Simmons grabbed the mike.

Simmons: Nigga, don’t step to Ron. You bitches is only 3, and unless you gonna wheel youself in da ring and fight, you’re all whack.

Droz smirked and spoke

Droz: Oh we got ourselves back up. White men watch out for one another. Next week, you filthy niggers, we’ve got two more joining the fight for righteousness. You boys best prepare for a lynchin’!

The Arians left, as the niggers stood in the ring speaking in Ebonics.

JR: That’s some slobberknocker we’ve got next week!

Tony: Yes. It will be the greatest night in the history of sports entertainment.

JR: Except this week right?

Tony: Right

We cut to commercial, where we’re told some random shit about how niggers are human beings too and that the message was sponsored by the LIAM corporation.

As we cut back, we see Rob Van Dam in the ring, he grabs the mike, but it doesn’t work. Triple-Arr then comes out to the ring with Ric Flair and Ayaz.

Triple-Arr poses for the crowd as Ric Flair keeps going “Whooo”.

Triple-Arr vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD immediately hits Arr with a spin-kick, knocking him on the ground. He runs to the ropes, hits rolling thunder, then drags Arr to the turnbuckle and hits a Van Terminator. He then drags Arr to the middle of the ring and climbs the turnbuckle, nailing his fallen foe with a Five Star Frog Splash. He covers Arr and only gets a 1 count. As RVD argues with referee Danny Davis about how to properly smoke a joint, he gets kick-wham-pedigree’d and Triple-Arr gets the impressive victory.

Winner: Triple Arr

Scott Keith says this match is a *** affair, he needs to get a fucking clue.

JR: Bah gawd, impressive victory by the Pirate Game.

Tony: Shut up fattie, he’s gonna speak and blesss us with his voice.

Triple-Arr: I am Triple-Arr! I am the game-arrr! I overcame all the odds to win this match-arr! I deserve to be World Champion, no Ric?

Flair: Whoooooooo

Triple-Arr: So Hitler, get your ass out here and give me the belt-arrr.

Hitler makes his way out to massive cheers and yanks the mike out of Triple-Arr’s hands.

Hitler: Flaschenbiere von sauerkraut! Icht bin ein Berliner! Eicht bin ein fuhrer! Nein arbitten beckinbauer van nistleroy! Ein flaschen biere icht mas grandastki. Ja prokofiv lunns mit achtung! Schnitzel! Wiener Schnitzel!

Triple-Arr: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me-arrr.

Hitler: Nein. Ich bin confidenk en wiener schnitzel van nistelroy.

Triple-Arr: Well, whatever-arr. You see, I’m the game, jack-arr. I don’t need any luck-arrr.

Triple-Arr and his entourage leave, as Hitler opts to remain in the ring.

JR: What a blockbuster announcement!

Tony: That will definitely put butts in seats!

JR: Good gawd almighty, what a match we have set now!

Tony: Greatest. Night. Ever.

JR: But what if someone unworthy wins, like Horowitz or a nigger?

Tony: He’s the Game, Jim. Like you have any doubts.

Hitler, in the mean time, is still in the ring and begins to speak

Hitler: Achtung, panzer, icht ein HLA!

As he speaks the words, Chyna and Linda McMahon make their way out for the HLA. As they walk to the ring, a fan throws a cross at Chyna and it sets her on fire, causing the ambulance people to come out and extinguish the fire. In the mean time, Linda McMahon does a strip tease to turn on the crowd. As Chyna is transported to the hospital, Stephanie McMahon is used as her replacement, in what has to be one of the most repulsive things ever seen in the history of sports entertainments. So repulsive, that Chris Candido came out with a mike.

Candido: That is disgusting. If I wanted to look at something that repulsive, I’d still be fucking Tammy. Heck, why do you think I died? I don’t want to see this shit. No one does. Fucking sick. The name on the markee says WRESTLING. It doesn’t say ZOO. So fuck off out of the ring, ladies, and make way for the Battle Royal for the title that Hitler promised us. It’s about time that Triple-Arr…. Er…. I won the world title. Yeah. So Let’s go.

So we go to commercial break (use Apple Shampoo. It’s great) and when we come back, every single member of the roster is in the ring. Except Triple-Arr, who’s making his entrance as we speak.

BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE TITLE

Everyone jumps on Triple-Arr. He tosses them out one by one, hitting each with a kick-wham pedigree and throwing them out of the ring. Eventually, only him and the Blue Blazer are left, mainly because the Blue Blazer just stays in the corner and doesn’t move. Triple-Arr goes to him and can’t pick him, what with dead people being heavier than usual. He calls in Ric Flair and the both of them toss him out to give Triple-Arr the victory and the world title.

Winner and New Champion: Triple Arr

Scott Keith doesn’t rate battle royals. Thank God, because he’s a tard anyways.

Triple-Arr celebrates with Ayaz and Ric Flair, when suddenly, music breaks out.

If yaaaaaaaa smelllllllllllllllll

what Christianity is cooking

JR: Bah gawd, it’s gawd!

Tony: No, look, it’s Jesus Christ and his army of good-doers!

Jesus Christ makes his way out to the ring, followed by Shawn Micheals, King Kong Bundy, The Bezerker and 109 year old Lou Thesz. As he walks to the ring, JC spots an 11 year old kid in the crowd (he’s there because he saw mom and dad fucking and masterbated thinking of it). JC promptly walks to the child and hands him his phone number. They walk to the ring and JC grabs a mike.

Jesus: Finally, Jesus Christ, has come back….. to hell! Triple-H! Or is Triple-Arr? Who knows? Basically, Jesus Christ is here to tell you that you will not get away with this. You see, Hunter, Jesus Christ had been sitting at home in heaven, when Jesus Christ was told that you had your own little organization down in hell. Well Jesus Christ isn’t gonna just stand there and let your run wild and do as you please. Oh no, Jesus Christ will do stuff to you that is worse than the Book Of Revelations. Hunter, you’re going down. That’s a promise. If yaaaaa smelllll what Jesus Christ is…. crucifying.

Triple-Arr, taken aback, hit Jesus Christ with a pedigree, but JC got right the fuck back up and slapped him, smearing blood all over Triple-Arr face, what with the hole in his hand and all. Triple Arr and his crew then ran out of the ring, scared for their lives, as JC and friends stood in the ring, praying.

JR: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, JESUS CHRIST IS IN THE HOUSE

TONY: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? TUNE INTO NITRO NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!

End show.

Edited September 18, 2005 by Ringmaster

[TOG]

Hart: “Kliq! You screwed me back in the WWF! You screwed me back in WCW! And now you wanna screw my brother! Well no one screws with a Hart! Well not anymore at least!”

[Yitzy]

I love how Candido is the only normal one.

As everyone else has said, this is so bad, it's great!