American Pro Wrestling Alliance

[Essa]

BISCHOFF TO START OWN PROMOTION?

After the WWE used an old WCW tactic of offering mass releases, they must have been stunned, to say the least, to see Randy Orton, Christopher Nowinski, William Regal, Shane Helms, Test, Shannon Moore, John Cena, Jackie Gayda, Akio, Theodore Long, Harvey Whippleman and Eric Bischoff walk out on the company.  Apparently there has been a lot of commotion backstage with people not being happy with their use. 

For instance, John Cena may have been the most over worker on Smackdown, but he was never the focus on Smackdown because of guys like the Undertaker and Bradshaw's push overshadowing him.  Cena, a big name, feels like he can be better utilized, and better paid on the independent circuit. 

There are similar stories for the likes of Regal, Orton, and Helms while the WWE just flat out didn't want Nowinski, Test, Moore, Gayda, Akio, Long, or Whippleman anymore, and singled them all out during the meeting.  Management was very critical of them seven, and basically forced the releases on them. 

Eric Bischoff may be the most surprising release.  When asked to comment on why he took a release, Bischoff said "Look at the WWE, and then look at the WCW before it shut down.  It's basically the same thing with all the politics, and I know that there will be the same end result, but instead of Vince buying me out, he'll be begging me to buy him out."  Further comments from Bischoff informed us that he will be opening up a regional promotion based out of northern New Jersey.  More news as we get it.

Okay, guys this is basically your run of the mill fantasy indy diary, with board members playing the roles of my wrestlers. After each show they will post a first person response to the show going over their thoughts of the show, or just their segment of the show, and any events that occured before or after the show. Here is our cast.

Vince Russo - New Jack

Thuganomic - Randy Orton

Man with a Plan - Christopher Nowinski

CM Punk - Lenny Lane

Adgray - William Regal

Troy Maskell - The Hurricane

Sycodmn - Kid Kash

TheRaySays - Test

BigSheep - Shannon Moore

GoGo - John Cena

Puppetfunk - David Flair

D-Extreme - Alan Funk

Yi - EZ Money

JHS - Jackie Gayda

It's 999 - Simon Diamond

TommyDemon316 - Jimmy Yang

Still Available

You can still sign up as these guys. I'll list them in the order of their character's importance.

Reno

Daryl

Elix Skipper

Taylor Matheny

Kaz Hayashi

Harvey Whippleman

Norman Smiley

Edited July 17, 2004 by Essa

[Essa]

Taken from www.apwa.com

American

Pro

Wrestling

Alliance

The American Pro Wrestling Alliance's inaugural show will be held on August 28th.  Eric Bischoff has assembled a great mix of technical, hardcore and cruiserweight talent to put on some of the most intense mat action ever.  Our first show, aptly named APWA: Beginnings will be live at the Kearny High School Gymnasium, in Kearny, New Jersey. Interested? Oh, you will be after you see this blockbuster card:

Main Event - Test vs Randy Orton

Two former WWE stars wage war in this match. Randy Orton is a young man with a huge chip on his shoulder. Test intends on knocking that chip right off of his shoulder with a Big Boot.  In tonight's main event Test will ge tthe chance to do just that.

Tag Team Match - Three Count vs John Cena and A Partner Of His Choosing

Shane Helms and Shannon Moore were one of the bright spots during the dying days of the WCW. But, their relationship was shaky at that point. Can they patch things up and get a win over John Cena? Speaking of John Cena, who has he recruited as his partner?

Tag Team Ladder Match - Jung Dragons vs Kash Money

The high flying Kaz Hayashi and Jimmy Yang take on a newly formed team of Kid Kash and EZ Money. Wrestling skills are out the window in this match, first one to grab the bag suspended above the ring get the win.

An Appearance By The Nature Boy!

Falls Count Anywhere - Darryl from Tough Enough vs Norman Smiley

Darryl, infamous for his bad attitude, and lack of wrestling ability somehow finagled his way into a contract with the APWA. Today he takes on Screamin' Norman Smiley, in a Falls Count Anywhere match. This fight could spill out anywhere!

You'll get all this and much much more at APWA's inaugural show, Beginnings, on August 28th.

Thanks to 12characters for the graphic.

Edited July 17, 2004 by Essa

[Essa]

American Pro Wrestling Alliance Beginnings

Live From the Kearny High School Gymnasium

Kearny, New Jersey

The show starts off with Joel Gertner, and Mike Tenay in the middle of the ring.

Mike Tenay: Hello, and welcome to the first ever APWA show, Beginnings. I am Mike Tenay, and this is...

Joel snatches the microphone.

Joel Gertner: And, well, well, well... I'm Joel "You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat" Gertner.

The perverted crowd filled mostly by hormone driven teens pop at the sexual reference.

Mike Tenay: Tonight, folks, we have an all star show just for you fans. But, first, let me introduce you to the owner of the American Pro Wrestling Alliance, Errrrrrrrric Bischoff.

"Back In Black" by AC/DC plays on the mexican kids boombox. (I guess he'll be our production guy) Eric Bischoff enters the gymnasium from the side door leading to the street. Gertner and Tenay go to the announcing table where they will be doing a radio broadcast for 92.3 K-Rock. Eric Bischoff is wearing black jeans, and a black leather jacket. Eric points at people in the crowd and mouths "I Love You" at them, to boos by the homophobic crowd. Eric makes his way around the sets of bleechers, and then climbs onto the ring apron. Eric gets in the ring and gets on the house microphone.

Eric Bischoff: Kearny, New Jersey? Kearny frickin New Jersey in a gym, to put on a show for you lousy kids. Look at yourselves. Go on take a look. All of you are nothing. You're nothing now, and you'll never amount to anything in the future. When I was your age, I wasn't like you kids. I didn't get high in between classes. I wasn't out drinking every weekend. You know what I did? I busted my ass. I studied, I learned. I did what I was supposed to do. And, ya know, I thought I did a good job, because I was the owner of a globally recognized wrestling organization. But, all that changed, and I'm not sure if I did as good as I could have. Because I'm in KEARNY FUCKING NEW JERSEY. But, you know what. This little shit hole of a town won't keep me, Eric Bischoff, down. Tonight, my rise out of Kearny, and back to the Madison Square Garden's, and Great Western Forum's starts with this show, APWA Beginnings. Tonight, you get to see a former WWE star Test.

All of the crowd loosely know who Test is so he gets a pretty good reaction.

Eric Bischoff: Test will take on third generation superstar, Randy Orton.

Randy Orton gets booed a bit, but not all that much.

Eric Bischoff: What? You don't like Randy Orton. Well, we have a special guest tonight that you might like. Ever heard of... The Nature Boy?

The small crowd goes berserk.

Eric Bischoff: Thats right, the Nature Boy himself will be here tonight. Also, we have two former ECW stars, Kid Kash and EZ Money taking on the Japanese sensations Kaz Hayashi and Yang. What? Not interested? Damn your a tough crowd. Fine, fine, fine... Lets make it a Ladder Match.

Big pop here for the announcement of a ladder match.

Eric Bischoff: Also, tonight we have a big tag match with "Sugar" Shane Helms and Shannon Moore, known as 3 Count, against John Cena and, well, he still hasn't told me who his partner is. But, to start off the show we are going to have a Falls Count Anywhere Match... with Norman Smiley, and Darryl of Tough Enough fame. Hey you, with the camera get over here.

Bischoff whispers something to the Audio Visual Club kid that had the camera. The kid wheels a television into the gym and then plugs a long wire from the video camera into it. He turns on the television, and it is showing what he is taping.

Eric Bischoff: Good, now go find us our match.

The kid with the camera goes off to look for the match. He walks past the library, and numerous classrooms but doesn't see anything. He makes a right turn into the cafeteria where he sees Darryl's fat ass. Darryl is eating today's special, hot chili.

Joel: Wow Mike, this kid can really put it away.

He finishes the bowl of chili, and makes sure to lick the bowl clean. Darryl then gets up and goes back to the lunch ladies, where he asks for more. The "lunch lady" pours a big bowl of hot chili... and then throws it in Darryl's face!

NORMAN SMILEY VS DARRYL

Mike: That was hot chili! Darryl's face must be scalding hot!

Joel: Thats no lunch lady Mike. That's Norman Smiley!

The lunch lady pulls off her hairnet and its really Norman Smiley! Norman Smiley grabs Darryl's head and bangs it in to the counter. Smiley climbs over the counter and starts hitting stiff punches on Darryl.

Mike: Look at Norman Smiley, beating some respect into Darryl.

Norman taunts Darryl by saying "You like that Chili boy? Want something to wash it down with?" Norman Smiley takes a bottle of Coca Cola off of a lunch tray and shakes it up. Smiley opens the bottle and soda sprays all over Darryl. Smiley lifts Darryl off the ground. He takes a few steps back and then lunges at Darryl. Darryl manages to back body drop Smiley, who crashes through the plastic sneeze guard.

Mike: Darryl is starting to turn it around.

Joel: Wow, so thats what, one wrestling move Darryl knows?

Darryl gets up again and picks up Norman Smiley. He throws Norman through a curtain into the refrigerator room. A big crash is heard. Norman is heard screaming. An even bigger crash is heard, as glass shrapnel flies out from behind the curtain. Norman Smiley gets thrown out from behind the curtain.

Joel: What the hell was that?

Mike: Someone must be back there...

Darryl, walks over to Smiley and just sits on his chest. After a minute, the referee Teddy Long arrives and counts the three.

DARRYL DEFEATS NORMAN SMILEY

Joel: Darryl wins his debut match!?!? What is this world coming too?

Mike: I don't know Joel, I really don't. But, now that referee Teddy Long is back, I think its about time to kickstart our next match.

"Kung Foo Fighting" played on the mexican kids boombox, as Jimmy Yang and Kaz Hayashi, the Jung Dragons came in through the side entrance. Both men got in the ring. They bowed to the audience, expecting the same thing in return, but in turn just got a series of middle fingers from the crowd. This establishes the Jung Dragons as heel I suppose.

Mike: In Japan it is custom for the wrestlers to bow before their matches.

Joel: Well, this isn't Japan and our fans just let them know that.

Next "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock plays as Kid Kash and EZ Money come into the gym. Instead of going to the ring, they go up in the bleechers and start hi fiving all the kids. They start to make thier way to the ring, but then go to the other set of bleechers and shake hands with the kids over there. Yang and Hayashi huddle up together and then decide to go under the ring. They pull out a ladder and set it up in the middle of the ring. Kaz gets on one side of the ladder and Yang gets on the other side.

Mike: The Dragons may have just outsmarted Kash Money by getting up the ladder before they even made it to the ring!

KASH MONEY VS JUNG DRAGONS

They get about half way up the ladder before EZ Money and Kid Kash get to the ring. They both run at the ladder to try and attack Kaz and Yank before they win the match. But, before they connect Kaz and Yang both do backflips off of the ladder and land on their feet.

Joel: It looks like the Dragons lured Kash Money into a trap, Tenay.

EZ Money and Kid Kash stop right before they hit the ladder. Kaz dropkicks Kash, while Yang dropkicks Money straight into the ladder. They both collide into the opposite sides of the ladder. Kaz back kicks Money and his momentum takes him over the top rope to the gym floor.

Mike: Stereo dropkicks just drove Kash Money face first into the ladder.

Joel: Yeah, and EZ Money being out of the ring is going to help the Dragons work on Kid Kash.

Kaz picks up Kid Kash in what looks like a bear hug.

Mike: A bearhug? Thats uncharacteristic of Kaz Hyashi.

Yang picks up the ladder. He runs off the ropes with the ladder, and then clotheslines Kid Kash using the ladder.

Mike: Yang just drove that ladder face first into Kid Kash!

Joel: Yowch, that looked painful.

Kaz picks up Kash and throws him into the ropes. Kaz picks him up in another bearhug. Yang picks up the ladder and goes to clothesline him again. But Kash ducks the clothesline and DDT's Kaz out of the bearhug position. Yang bounces back off the ropes and gets a drop toe hold face first onto the ladder.

Mike: Drop toe hold onto the ladder!

Joel: Well, what comes around goes around.

Kash picks up the ladder and sets it up in the middle of the ring. Yang and Kaz get up. They are looking around for Kash. Kash is at the top of the ladder.

Joel: Hes right behind you! Turn around!

EZ Money gets on the ring apron. To try and help Kash, he goes for a double Crossbody but Yang and Kaz move, and Money collides with the ladder toppling it over and halting Kash's chances of getting the Bag Of Air. Kaz falls over the top rope and to the outside.

Mike: Miscommunication by Kash Money could have just costed them the match!

Joel: Kid Kash would have gotten the Bag Of Air if his partner wouldn't have tried to play Superman.

EZ Money gets up holding his ribs. He gets taken down when Kaz and Yang hit a Calf Kick and Leg Sweep combo. Kaz grabs the ladder and lays it down on the ground. Kaz climbs to the top rope. Yang grabs EZ Money and goes to hit a snap suplex to EZ Money. EZ Money spins around and hits a snap suplex of his own onto the ladder.

Joel: Reversal!

Mike: I don't think Kaz knows that EZ Money reversed the suplex.

Kaz thinks that EZ Money is on the ladder, and jumps off going for his Kazsault. He connects but lands on the prone Yang instead of EZ Money.

Mike: He connected with his version of the moonsault! But he hit the wrong guy.

Kaz gets up and sees Yang on the ground. He turns around and EZ Money grabs him. EZ money lifts him up by his armpits and then flapjacks him onto the mat. EZ Money picks up Yang. He lifts him up for the Money Clip, but Yang slips out from behind. Yang pushes him forward against the ropes. Yang tries to roll up EZ Money, but Money holds the ropes and Yang rolls back. Yang gets up and runs at EZ Money who hits him with a standing spinebuster.

Mike: Spinebuster by EZ Money!

Joel: Now is your chance EZ Money, climb up the ladder before its too late.

EZ Money picks up the ladder and stands it up in the middle of the ring. He starts climbing. But, Yang gets up. He punches EZ Money right in the kidney.

Joel: I bet they didn't teach that in the dojo.

Money falls forward, but the ladder still stands. Yang climbs up the other side of the ladder. Yang stands on the top of the ladder. He bends down and grabs EZ Money's head. Yang jumps off of the ladder and hits a neckbreaker onto EZ Money! Both men are down on the ground.

Mike: Oh my god! Neckbreaker off the ladder!

Kid Kash grabs another ladder from out of the ring. Kaz gains his composure on the outside and takes the opportunity to get in the ring. He starts to climb the ladder when Kid Kash gets in. Kash quickly sets up his own ladder. Kash and Kaz both reach up for the briefcase.

Mike: Both men are going for the briefcase!

Joel: Am I the only one that finds it funny that the winner gets absolutely nothing other than a briefcase?

Both men are about to pull the briefcase down when they see each other. Both take their hands off the briefcase and start punching each other in the face. Kid Kash got the upper hand. Then Kash rammed Kaz's head right into the ladder.

Mike: Kaz is losing his balance. Kash could take it home right here and now!

Kash then hooked Kaz's arm. Kash hip tossed Kaz off of the ladder, over the top rope and to the gym floor!

Joel: He could have broken his back!

Mike: Thats a solid wood floor!

Kid Kash reaches up for the briefcase when Simon Diamond and The Diamond Doll (Taylor Matheny) get off of the bleechers and go into the ring.

Mike: What the hell? That's Simon Diamond and Taylor Matheny.

Joel: No, now shes Simon's Diamond Doll!

Diamond gives orders to Taylor. Taylor shakes the ladder and then pushes it over, knocking Kid Kash out of the ring. Taylor sets the ladder back up.

Mike: Look at Simon Diamond. Hes having Taylor do his dirty work!

Joel: Look at Simon Diamond? Check out that ass on Taylor.

Taylor then goes over to Yang. She tries getting him up. But, from behind EZ Money grabs her by the hair.

Mike: Give it to her Money!

He turns her around and goes to punch her. But Simon Diamond gets in the ring, and spins EZ Money around. He lifts up EZ Money. Taylor bounces off the ropes. Simon and Taylor hit the Problem Solver on EZ Money.

Joel: Simon and Taylor just took out EZ Money.

Taylor and Simon help Yang up to his feet. Yang doesn't quite understand what is going on but he climbs up the ladder anyway and grabs the Briefcase that they were competing for.

THE JUNG DRAGONS DEFEAT KASH MONEY

Mike: The Jung Dragons win! But they needed help from Simon and Taylor!

Joel: Thats a load of BS. But up next, we have... The Nature Boy!

The theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays as the fans stand up in the bleechers cheering for the arrival of the Nature Boy. The door opens up and a Flair walks in, but its David Flair! The crowd boos the hell out of him. A poor dirty kid in the crowd threw his shoe at Flair.

Mike: What the hell? Bischoff stooped low here Joel, really low.

Joel: Anything for attendance Mike. And, the audience has just been had.

David Flair got in the ring and got on the house microphone.

David Flair: Hello Kearny, Wooooooooo New Jersey. I am The Naitcha Boy...'s Boy David Flair! And, I have wooooooooo come to make this show ...

"Up In Here" by DMX plays as Elix Skipper enters the gym. He has a white Tee shirt draped over his shoulder, baggy black jeans with one leg rolled up, and a backwards black baseball cap on. Skipper gets in the ring and takes the microphone.

Elix Skipper: Yo, you wanna call yoself da Nature Boy? Well, you wanna call yoself dat, den you betta be able to back it up.

David Flair: Woooooo. Is that jealousy I'm sensing? You're just jealous that I'm a 16 time World Champion! Woooooooooo.

Elix Skipper: 16 time world champion? You aint shit homie.

Elix Skipper then takes the microphone and drives it into David Flairs face. Flair drops like a bag of bricks.

Elix Skipper: Teddy Long, get out here nigga. We gonna have us a match.

Teddy Long comes down to the ring and has the bell rung.

ELIX SKIPPER VS DAVID FLAIR

Joel: An impromptu match! What is this ECW?

Mike: Elix Skipper just cleaned David Flair's clock.

Elix Skipper picks up David Flair and whips him into the ropes. Skipper hits him with a back elbow taking him down to the mat. Skipper lifts him up and hits a snapmare on to Flair. Flair is on both knees. Skipper bounces off the ropes and dropkicks Flair in the side of the head.

Mike: Dropkick to the head!

Joel: That'll scramble your brains for sure.

Mike: I don't think David Flair has a brain after that stunt he pulled, dooping all of these fans.

Flair falls to his side. Elix Skipper taunts Flair before dropping a well placed leg across his throat. Skipper picks up David Flair and throws him into the turnbuckle. Skipper charges in. Skipper springboards off the middle rope and then hits a roundhouse kick to the head of David Flair.

Joel: Skipper is definitely using his feet to his advantage in this match.

David Flair stumbles out of the corner. Skipper grabs him in a waistlock position. He lifts him up for what seems like a back suplex, but then drops him ball first on the top rope.

Joel: After that move, I think the Flair legacy might end.

Skipper then climbs the top turnbuckle. He grabs Flair's arm and starts walking on the top rope. Skipper jumps up and then hits a hurricanranna to David Flair off the top rope.

Mike: What balance and athleticism Skipper just showed us there.

Skipper picked up Flair, and was looking to hit The Play Of The Day. He put his arm over Flair's head, but Flair countered out of it. Flair lifted Skipper up in the air out of that position and hit a nasty powerbomb on him.

Mike: David Flair just folded up Elix Skipper with that powerbomb.

Flair made the cover. One, Two, thr... kickout.

Joel: Elix Skipper barely kicks out!

Flair got up, and true to his gimmick, started strutting around the ring. After playing to the crowd, he made it over to Skipper. Flair picked Skipper up and chucked him into the turnbuckle. Flair ran and clotheslined him in the corner. Skipper slouched in the corner. Flair put a boot into his chest which stiffened him up. Flair then hit a knife edge chop on Skipper.

Joel: Looks like his daddy did teach him something.

Flair gave him another chop before again taking time out to taunt the crowd. The crowd booed at him, and the poor dirty kid through his other shoe at him.

Mike: Hes wasting valuable time, Joel. Its going to come back and bite him.

Flair turned around, and Skipper bursted out of the corner with a Flying Shoulder Block off the middle rope. Skipper got up and hit another snapmare takeover on Flair. Skipper backed against the ropes and then ran at Flair. Skipper went to go for a Flipover Neckwhip, but Flair ducked. Skipper landed on his ass, and Flair capatilized.

Joel: Elix made a mistake. If Flair really wants to win this match, he has to do it now!

Flair put Skipper in a headlock. Flair held the hold in for a while, until Skipper got up to one knee and started to hit elbows to the midsection of Flair.

Mike: Skipper is fighting out of the headlock.

Skipper then went for a back suplex. But, Flair blocked it in mid air, and took Skipper down with a Headlock Takedown.

Mike: Seems like Flair is poised on winning this match with that headlock.

Skipper again got onto one knee. He hit another elbow on Flair, but this one was in the groinal region.

Joel: Ah, the great equalizer.

Flair was aching in pain. Skipper bounced off of the ropes and jumped on to the back of David Flair. Skipper span around behind him, and hit a crucifix. But David Flair countered it with a big Samoan Drop.

Mike: Huge samoan drop on Elix Skipper.

Joel: That'll squash any possible comeback from Skipper.

Flair made a nonchalant cover by draping his back over Skippers stomach. One... Two... Skipper countered out of by putting Flair in headscissors. Flair managed to kip up out of it. Skipper got up and charged at Flair. Flair turned around and got taken down by a neckbreaker drop from Elix Skipper.

Joel: If Flair would have made a normal cover this match might have been over by now.

Skipper picked up David Flair, and again went for the Play of the Day. This time, Flair managed to sweep Skipper's legs out from under him.

Mike: Flair counters the Play of the Day again!

Flair put Elix Skipper in the Figure Four leg lock. Teddy Long was asking Skipper if he wanted to give up, but Skipper kept telling him no. Skipper almost reached the ropes.

Joel: He almost has the ropes! Only a little further.

When Flair somehow managed to pull him back into the middle of the ring. Skipper had no choice, so he tapped out.

Mike: Skipper tapped out. David Flair wins this match, and he has won it cleanly.

Joel: Like him or hate him, he picked up the win fairly.

DAVID FLAIR DEFEATS ELIX SKIPPER

Mike: The kid with the camera apparently has found Shane Helms backstage.

Shane Helms is in the gym locker room when Shannon Moore walks in the room.

Shannon: Shane, man, you ready? We're up next.

Shannon goes for a high five.

Shane: Me and you, together? After that shit you pulled with Evan Karagias back in WCW, I'm never teaming with you again. So find yourself a new partner...

Shane shoves Moore who falls and crashes into a locker.

Shane: Because, I've found myself a partner!

The camera then turns right back off.

Mike: What does he mean? Its only a two on two match. But if Shannon Moore, Shane Helms, and John Cena are all looking for partners.

Joel: Relax Mike. Look, I think Shannon Moore is about to announce his partner right now.

Shannon Moore comes out to the ring and gets on the microphone.

Shannon Moore: You know Shane... At first I was pissed off when you left me. We were great together. We were topping the charts over in Europe. The Japanese chicks loved us. Hell, even these fat American girls from...Kearny, bought our records. But, I guess you felt the need to move on. You felt the need to travel on the path of the New Kids On The Block. You thought we needed to split up. Well, that may have been a blessing in disguise for me, because, I've found myself a new partner. And, his name is... "Luscious" Lenny Laaaaaaaaane.

"Backstreets Back" by Backstreet Boys plays as Luscious Lenny Lane joins his partner in the ring.

Mike Tenay: Lenny Lane is his partner!

Joel Gertner: Yeah, in both ways.

Shannon Moore: So, Cena & Helms, get out here with your partners, cause we're here to whoop some ass.

"Murda Was The Case" by Snoop Dogg, plays as John Cena enters the gymnasium with a microphone.

John Cena: Luscious Lenny Lane? I'ma hit you with some propane. Then I'll light yo ass on fire. Ya'll think you're what these honeys desire? My rhymes are so fresh they should be illegal. But not tonight cuz my partners Gangsta Willie Regal!

Mike: I'm not sure what he said, but I think William Regal is his partner.

Joel: Someone shoot me.

Gangsta Willie walks in the gym and gets in the ring. He starts to raise the roof much to the crowds delight. "The Vertebreaker" is heard on the boombox. Shane Helms comes out.

Shane Helms: Heh. I'm not going to come out here, and insult you fans as a segue to introducing my partner. I'm not going to rap for you all. Only thing I've got to tell you about my partner... is that he's a Natural Born Killer.

"Natural Born Killaz" by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube plays as the fans give the biggest pop of the night. New Jack opens up the side door and has a rubber made garbage can full of weapons. New Jack nods at Shane Helms and throws the can in the ring.

NEW JACK & SHANE HELMS VS JOHN CENA & GANGSTA WILLIE REGAL VS THREE COUNT

Journey with me

into the mind of a maniac.

New Jack and Shane Helms slide into the ring. John Cena picks up a rake. Regal picks up a shovel.

Doomed to be a killer

since i came out the nutsac.

Cena and Regal swing their weapons at New Jack. New Jack ducks under it and picks up a Stop Sign. New Jack drills them both with the stop sign. Shane Helms ducked a double clothesline by Lane and Moore, and hit a dropkick on both of them.

I'm in a murderous mindsate

with a heart full of terror

I see the devil in the mirror.

Helms and New Jack stomp on their fallen foes. Cena starts to get up. New Jack picks up a guitar. New Jack starts playing the guitar, and then breaks it over the head of John Cena. New Jack then takes the Neck of the guitar and hits Regal in the throat with it.

BUCK BUCK, Lights out

cause when i get my sawed off

niggaz get hauled off.

Shannon Moore and Lenny Lane start to get up. Moore runs at Helms and gets a backbody drop over the top rope to the wooden floor. Lenny Lane then runs at Helms. Helms pulls the ropes down, and Lane goes flying on top of Shannon Moore.

"Barrel one

touches your motherfuckin flesh

Barrel two

shoots your fuckin heart out your chest."

Shane Helms bounces off of the ropes. He makes it to the other side of the ring and leaps over the top rope with a Swan Dive right on top of the new Three Count.

You see Im quick to let the hammer go click

on my Tech-9 so if you try to wreck mine

fool its your bad time.

New Jack pulls out his handy staple gun and walks over to the fallen Willie Regal. New Jack puts a staple in Regal's head. Cena charges at New Jack from behind. New Jack turns around and puts a staple in Cena's arm, and then his forehead.

Feel the blast of the chocolate bomber

Infra red aimed at your head

like your name was Sarah Conner.

Helms throws Lenny Lane into the stairs . Lane is dropped on his hands and knees. Helms throws Moore into the steel guardrail. Helms runs and jumps off of Lane's back. Helms hits a Poetry In Motionesque move on Shannon Moore taking them both over the guardrail into the bleecher area.

Decapitating I aint hesitating

to put you in the funderal home

with a bullet in your dome.

John Cena composes himself, and picks up the rake from before. New Jacks back is facing Cena. Cena hits a low blow on New Jack with the rake.

Im hot like lava

you got a problem?

I got a problem solver

and his name is revolver.

Helms and Moore start brawling throughout the bleechers. The students clear their way as they make their way to the top of the bleechers!

Its like a deadly game of freeze tag

I touch you with a 44 mag

and your frozen inside a body bag.

Nobody iller

than this grave yard filler.

William Regal and John Cena are both up in the ring. John Cena breaks the rake across the back of New Jack, dropping New Jack to his knees.

Cap peeler

cause im a natural born killa.

Shane Helms grabs Shannon Moore and throws him into the wooden wall at the top of the bleechers. Shannon Moore hits back first and then falls onto the bleechers.

Terror illistrates my era

now i cant hang around my momma

cause i scare her.

Cena picks up New Jack and holds him. Regal gets up and takes the shovel. He nails New Jack in the head with it.

Im quick to blast motherfucker

it feels like im bustin a nut

when i open you up

cause your body is exposed to the midnight mist

all you weak motherfuckers give my ring a kiss

cause im givin dirt naps.

Shane Helms grabs Shannon Moore and takes him to the side of the bleechers. He is about to throw him off, when Lenny Lane comes from behind and hits an axe handle to his back.

Comin with them bomb ass raps

to make your lungs collapse

perhaps, you never sleep

cause evertime you doze

you catch blows to the motherfuckin nose.

Cena drops New Jack. Willie Regal grabs New Jack and puts him in a Camel Clutch. John Cena then grabs the Staple Gun.

Aint seen the sun, in 66 days

let me count the ways in a fucked up maze.

I never ever ever made a ho stay

But Im down with Dre

like AC is down with OJ.

Lenny Lane grabs Shane Helms head and slams it backwards into the wooden wall at the top of the bleechers.

So fuck how your livin.

Im the unforgivin,

psycho driven

murdera.

John Cena starts kicking New Jack in the head while Regal torks back on him. Cena then puts a staple in New Jack's head.

Its authentic.

Dont panic.

I cant stand it

God Damn it

Scizophrenic.

Shane Helms drops down lifelessy to where he is sitting down on the top bleecher. Shannon Moore and Lenny Lane put the boots to him.

So fuck Charlie Manson.

Ill snatch him out of his truck,

Hit him with a brick

and I'm dancin.

Willie Regal then picks up New Jack. He holds him in his hand as John Cena grabs a 2 x 4.

I dont understand the logic in my dreams.

But i understand i like the sound of Sireens.

Terrified screams from the streams

of Strycnine.

Dumping on any motherfucker tryin to trick mine.

Moore and Lane stop kicking Helms. They turn around and taunt the crowd that are now standing on the ground below the bleechers.

Cause punk motherfuckers wanna violate.

Now they stiff and cold

and they pupils wont dialate

Its so much pain.

Migraine.

headache

I can hear his bones break.

John Cena swings the 2 x4 at the held up New Jack. New Jack manages to duck. Cena cracks Regal in the head with the 2x4.

He steps in the single door

gets his ass whipped with 20 lashes

like that dude up in Singapore.

So Im a pull a fuckin Jeffrey Dahmer

now Im suicidal, just like Nirvana.

Helms take advantage of them posing, and shoves Shannon Moore. Moore falls forward, and falls down the bleechers until he finally hits the bottom, and rolls off to the wooden floor.

Tic Toc

Toc Tic Toc Tic

Dr Dre and Ice Cube on some murderous shit

keepin niggaz in order

makin there live shorter.

New Jack kicks Cena square in the balls. Then he grabs Cena's arm and hits a surprisingly well executed single arm DDT.

Ready to slaughter

cause to me a life aint worth a quarter

or a dime

mushroom's got my mind.

Lenny Lane goes down the bleechers and helps Shannon Moore up. Shane Helms is standing at the top and he looks like he is scheming.

Hallucinatin

aint no debatin

im creatin an escape

route to be out without a doubt

Scot Free, so dont even think about tryin to stop me

cause i cant wait

im out the gate

New Jack props up Cena so that he is sitting on the bottom turnbuckle. New Jack takes the 2x4 and puts it in between Cenas legs. New Jack grabs a golf club, and hits the 2x4, knocking it right back in to Little John.

On the for realla

a thrilla

or a natural born killa.

Shane Helms runs and leaps from the top of the bleechers. He does a somersault in the air, and then crashes into Lane and Moore. All three men are out cold!

GI-GI GI-GI GAGA

THEY CALL ME DADA

6 million ways to murder

Choose One!

Willie Regal gets up and is dazed. He starts bumbling around like an idiot. New Jack climbs to the top rope with the Golf Club. New Jack jumps off and hits the 187 with a Golf Club to William Regal. He makes the cover and referee Teddy Long makes the elementary 3 Count.

NEW JACK & SHANE HELMS DEFEAT THREE COUNT AND JOHN CENA & GANGSTA WILLIE REGAL

Mike: Well, we're back. Amidst all the confusion, Joel and I decided we'd be safer far away from here. But nonetheless, a brutal match like were accostumed to from New Jack.

Joel: No doubt about it Mike. Everyone stepped up their game for that match, but New Jack and Shane Helms walked out on top.

Mike: But up next, we have our main event for this evening.

Joel: Thats right, two former WWE stars Test, and Randy Orton square off in the ring.

"This Is A Test" is heard on mexican kids boombox, and Test comes out to the ring through the side entrance. He gets a pretty big pop since people recognize him. But from behind, Randy Orton enters the ring and attacks him before the match starts.

TEST VS RANDY ORTON

Mike: What a cheap shot!

Randy Orton starts clubbing away at Test's back when Teddy Long gets in the ring and the match starts. Randy Orton has Test against the ropes. He hooks Test's arms under the ropes and starts punching his exposed chest.

Joel: I expected a beat down here, but I sure as hell didn't think Randy would be dishing it out.

Orton grabs Test by the head and then walks to the turnbuckle. Orton slams Test's head face first into the turnbuckle. Orton starts punching away at Test again until Test blocks a succession of his punches.

Mike: I think Orton pissed the big man off.

Test grabs him by his arm and lifts him in the air. Test spins around and drops him in to the corner.

Mike: What a display of power by Test.

Test runs at Orton but gets caught with a boot to the face. Test stumbles forward. Orton charges out of the corner and hits a chop block to the back of Test's leg. Test falls face first to the mat. Orton starts stomping away at Test's left leg.

Mike: Orton's strategy is to work on Test's legs.

Orton then takes Test's left leg and puts it on the middle rope. Orton jumps and sits on Test's leg.

Mike: Test might not be able to stand after this, never mind lift up Randy Orton to use his power moves.

Randy Orton slides out of the ring. He pulls Test's leg until it is dangling off of the apron. Randy Orton climbs onto the apron.

Joel: Enough is enough, Orton, don't do this.

He gets a running start and then goes for a leg drop to Test's leg. Test manages to get his leg inside the ring. Orton falls and lands hard on the wooden floor. Test hobbles up to where he is standing, but limping.

Mike: A counter by Test. Test managed to pull himself up, but can he function with that bum leg?

He waits for Orton to stand. Test grabs Orton by his hair and pulls him up to the apron. Test then hooks his arm around Orton's head. Test hits a Reverse Suplex taking Orton from the ring apron into the ring.

Joel: Wow, I bet Orton wishes he would have just stepped through the ropes.

Test picks up Randy Orton. He throws Orton into the corner. Test runs in and hits a big splash on him. Orton stumbles out. Orton turns around and Test runs at him going for the Big Boot.

Mike: Its over if he hits this.

Orton ducks and falls to the left knocking Teddy Long over, and Test is met with a kick in the chest from RENO! Reno grabs Test's head and hits The Roll Of The Dice.

Joel: What the hell? What business does Reno have out here?

Reno gets out of the ring and taunts Test on his way back to the locker room. Orton and Long get up. Long wonders what happened but didn't see anything. Orton makes the cover on Test. One.... Two.... Three.

RANDY ORTON DEFEATS TEST

Mike: Not like this damnit.

Joel: Reno just cost Test the match.

Mike: Test will definitely want some retribution, but he'll have to wait till the next show.

Joel: Good night listeners. Tune into our next APWA broadcast in September.

EWR RATINGS

Interview with Bischoff = 78

Darryl def. Smiley = 61

Jung Dragons def Kash Money = 83 (100% MQ)

Flair/Skipper confrontation = 75

Flair def Skipper = 68

Helms/Moore Confrontation = 74

Cena Interview = 81

Jack/Helms def 3 Count def Cena/Regal = 74

Orton def Test = 65

Edited July 17, 2004 by Essa

[Hajjhowe]

Elix Skipper please. Thanks.

[Troy Maskell]

Jabronis take note Sugar Shane has arrived

Finally I don't have to wear that fucking mask anymore. That green shit in my hair?....Man you think I had a CHANCE at getting laid? Especially with that fat fuck Rosie following my ass. Taking his gimmick too far. "Look Hurricane! A old lady needs help crossing the street" Either that or wanting another fifty fucking Big Macs. That's not me. Do I look like the Green Lantern? Fuck that! So yeah I left to join Eric Bischoff. The man who made my career.

Today was the big day of the show and how did it begin? Like it has every other day since I left the WWE. Me waking up next to some beautiful ring rat. Man I love being me. That or doing coke off some strippers ass....I should know better than to go out with Eric.

So I arrive at the show and Shannon's there. The dude's practically been living off my ass for three years. Once a fucking month. Let's reunite 3 Count. Let's reunite 3 Count. FUCK OFF! You think Matty H agreed to go on a six month jobbing run for no reason? Hell no! He did it to get away from the vindictive little fuck. Anyway he says "Great news Shaneo! 3 Count is back baby!" Oh no! OH HELL NO! So I went right to Bisch's office and I was all like "I am NOT teaming with that bitch tonight" and he was like "I'm the fucking boss! You'll do what I say" So I says "Ok no more Gold Club card for you!" And then he's all like "Oh I'm sorry Mr Helms if you can find a partner I'll change the match" And I'm like "That's right bitch! Take note Sugar Shane has arrived!" So then of all people New Jack comes busting in all pissed yo saying "Yo whitey! How come I ain't on the fucking card" And I'm all like "I think I found my partner" so I goes to Jack "Yo nigga! I got your fucking match" Then he grabbed me like "What the fuck you call me" I mean there's no reason to go fucking psycho on my ass. Anyway I don't want to discuss how he became my partner but needless to say I'm charging Bisch for my fucking counselling

So the big time finally comes around and me and Shannon is all like "Ok baby we're up" and BOOM! I nail his ass! Yeah bitch you ain't the man now! VERTEBREAKER!

So he goes out and cuts some lame ass promo about how he hates me and he broke the team up. Yeah bitch you keep telling yourself that. And he gets his partner. Lenny "I'm a fagboy too" Lane. I knew he was a fucking fag. He always hit on me in WCW but I was all like "VERTEBREAKER!" and he saw things my way

Next out is John Cena. And he's got his partner "Gangsta" Willy Regal. Man Jack was pissed seeing that pasty English dude trying to be street bro. Raising the roof. You can't even raise your own dick

Then it's time for the star of the show. Then it's all like "VERTEBREAKER! Will break your Spine!" as I come out and introduce my partner man. You should have seen those fans man I had him eating out of my hand. And damn if that dawg don't have some cool ass music.

So we hit the ring and New Jack BRINGS the violence on the ghetto wanabes while I royally own those Fagboys. It's so good kicking Shannons ass.

Then Jack starts playing the tunes and dishes more pain to Cena and Willie. Heh that shit never gets old. Meanwhile Shannon thinks he's got a set of nuts and charges me but I drop his bitch ass to the floor. Then I send his little "partner" out there too. then it's time to fly and I nail their asses with a plancha. I'm just killing this boys. Boom Lenny to the steps. Boom! Shannon to the guard rail. Then I hit a poetry in motion using Shannon like I always use him....a stepping stone. So we go into the crowd. And I do what I always do to Shannon. Treat him like the bitch he is. All the way up the bleachers and then into the wall. I'm about to put him out of his misery when Lenny attacks me from behind. A situation he's used to (Taking guys from behind I mean)

So anyways he sends me to the wall and they start putting the boots to me. Then they think I'm done so they flip off the crowd but I'm never done. You know why? Cause I'm SUGAR SHANE HELMS BITCH! I'm not a jabroni. Flip off my sweet fans? Big mistake. So I gets up and shove Shannon down the steps. Glory boy has to make look worse than it is to get sympathy. Lenny goes to help him and then it's time for the Helms boy to fly. I nail them both with a sweet somersault plancha. All the fans start going "Holy Shit, Holy Shit, Holy Shit" and while I'm playing dead I'm thinking "Yeah bitch! Who's the man now?" Meanwhile in the ring Jack treats the Gangstas like he would a guy in prison and it's another victory for the good guys. Fans on their feet and all

So we goes backstage and I head up to Jack and I'm like "Yeah my nigga. That was some sweet shit dawg" and he goes all fucking psycho again! I'm telling you that dawg's got some mental issues man.

After the show we leave and all the rats are there. They want a piece of Sugar Shane baby. It's time to Party! A couple of bags of Coke. A couple of hot bitches and a big ass bed and it's going all night baby! And unlike other people I don't need that cocaine trick to make me hard all night. I'm Sugar Shane Helms! So we have a party then I gave those bitches a Sugar Smack! If you know what I mean

You know this is the shit bro! All sorts of bitches! I can kick the shit out of Shannon! And no fucking mask with a huge fat fuck following my every move! That's what I love about this place and that's why I love being Sugar Shane Helms!

Till next time my bitches

[Guest The Man with a Plan]

The Diary of a Harvard Graduate

August 28th- 10:00 AM

Well, my day got off to an interesting start. The alarm clock didn't go off, dammit. I wanted to out for a morning jog but those plans have been scrapped. I'm not even booked on the show tonight. What kind of crap is that? I am the only Harvard graduate in this damn business. How did that piece of hog crap Randy Orton get booked in the main event. Furthermore, how does he even have a damn job? All he is doing is riding the coat tails of his father, who wasn't even talented to begin with. Damn you Bubba Ray Dudley, I could have been big. I could be very over in the WWE right now but I was stuck with a damn concussion that I think is fully healed. O well, one can't weep forever. I rolled off of the bed and looked in the mirror. I am in a hotel, albeit it is a Marriott hotel. Hey, I am a Harvard Graduate you know. Anyway, I am in a hotel on the road with a bunch of smelly wrestlers. Who would have thought it? Let's continue on with my day, I slip on my robe and walk into the bathroom. I brush my teeth and get ready for the day. I chuckle to myself as I look over the piece of paper on the counter. It was a rundown of the card, Randy Orton versus Test is guaranteed to stink the place up. Hey like WCW 2000, it'll have the trainwreck effect. Something that you have to watch to see how horribly it'll do. Also an appearance from the Nature Boy, yeah right like Ric Flair would ever come to this promotion. Hell, I wouldn't come to this promotion. Well, I wouldn't have if Eric Bischoff hadn't promised me a push. I'm not even on the damn first card, this isn't apart of the deal. I work my way down the page and see that Darryl is wrestling. Wrong Tough Enough reject, Eric. I'm the guy that you are looking for.

To end my rant, I get dressed. My attire was a Harvard T-Shirt and a pair of jeans. I had on Nike Sneakers. As I walked down the hall, I passed the maid. My only thought was "I bet that job must suck." I got on the elevator and headed down to the first floor. I was highly disappointed with the fact that no one even recognized me. Hell, I'm Christopher Fucking Nowinski. Remember? I'm the guy who tried to steal Molly Holly's virginity. I really am above all of this, I should be a captain of industry but I am stuck working in the indies and not even a good one like Ring of Honor but APWA. I walk out of the hotel lobby and into my Lexus, I did have a decent amount of money though. Possibly enough to live off of for the rest of my life but whatever. I get into the car and look onto the dashboard, I look at my picture of William Regal and I. What's his gimmick here again? O yeah that's right a fucking gangster. When I think of gangster, I think of Al Capone and even the fictional ones like The Godfather series not this freakin' rap trend. I hope Eric bothers to explain how William goes from Goodwill Ambassador to a gangster. Why not just team up John Cena and New Jack? That's a logical solution, along with adding me and William Regal into the tag team match. Now you have Cena and New Jack against William and myself against Three Count. Shane Helms could be obnoxious man on the outside. During that drive, I also wondered about another thing. HOW IN THE HECK DID NEW JACK DID AHEAD OF ME? The man has killed people. He has never been trained, he botched bladed someone. I am a safe worker with a clean record and a good education. Why am I NOT in the main event? I should be the freakin' World Champion but I'm not even on the program. Hell, Shane, William and New Jack aren't announced as being on the program but they are there.

To continue the story, I pull up at my destination. I arrive at the gym, time for a workout. Even if I'm not wrestling, it's good to be prepared. Eric might pull a "WCW" and throw me in or even more likely, New Jack will be arrested. That whole match reeks of false advertisement. Shane Helms ends up with New Jack? Lenny Lane in Three Count? William Regal as a Gangster? This is Russo booking at it's peak and it's like watching a trainwreck, you feel compelled to watch it. I might even take bets to see how long this crap lasts. Anyway, I'll continue this story after a nice workout. Take care.

August 28th, 2:00 PM

After a nice healthy workout, I head out to my car. My nice shiny black Lexus, best car in the world. I am definately not going back to the hotel now, I am just going to drive around this hellhole. Maybe I'll actually find someone actually stimulate me, not in that way you perverts. I mean intellectually. Of course, I am in New Jersey so that's going to be hard to find. I also hate this traffic, damn idiot ran a red light and almost hit me. Someone needs to teach these people to drive. I wonder where the rest of the boys are, I haven't seen any of them at all for the past few days. I guess it's because I'm staying a nice hotel. As I am driving in my car, I pass a hottie walking down the street. Nice rack but she is probably as dumb as Forrest Gump so she's not my type. Typical blonde type. I end up noticing that I am going around in circles so I turn on the radio, same old crap. Mainstream is crap, none of it makes any sense. Who cares if 50 Cent hangs with his "homies" and smacks around women? Who cares if 3 Doors Down is here without their lover? Who cares if Toby Keith is a redneck? Infact, Toby Keith reminds me of Scott Steiner in our "great" debate. I hate hicks, I am definately voting for John Kerry. George Bush is a war mongerer, of course politics isn't discussed enough with our youth. We need to encourage that, today's music is dumbing down our youth. It even inspired a gimmick which turned a nice man like William Regal into a gangster. You know, I actually have a copy of the show's script in the backseat. I wonder how much it would go for on Ebay? I'm doubting it will go for anything.

I finally decide to stop at a local McDonalds for lunch. I lock my doors before heading in. Not sure about this neighborhood, looks safe but can't be too cautious. I walk in but finally someone recognizes me as somebody walks up to me and asks for my autograph so I autograph the picture of me but when I look up at the girl. She is absolutely gorgeous. She has long brown hair, slender body, nice boobs, not overly huge, not fake but nice size. Anyway, I look into her eyes as he turns to walk away but I decide that I have to do something so I tap her on the shoulder and say, "Hi." Well what the hell was I expected to say? She turns around and awkwardly returns the word. I then proceed to ask her, what she does for a living. Well, never been good at small talk. She certainly looked like a normal person though, she was wearing a t-shirt and jeans so how abnormal could her job be? To my surprise she was a doctor. Wow, a female doctor. She also mentions that she remembers me because she's an internet fan and then throw in the one liner of "WWE fans only remember 6 months into the past." O so true, not many fans seem to remember that Bradshaw was in the APA just 5 months ago and now he's WWE Champion. Nice woman, she was leaving out of McDonalds and didn't have time to chat. She introduced herself as Stephanie and left me with her phone number written on paper and in my pocket. I walk into McDonalds and I order a Big Mac with medium fries and a coke. As I ate my lunch, I thought about how unlikely that encounter was. Pretty amazing that someone intelligent lives in New Jersey. I got up from my lunch and used the napkin to wipe my mouth before exiting.

I walked out to the car and got into it. I pulled out of the driveway and drove out and down the street. I was getting tired of driving so I decided to go back to the hotel. I got up to my room and called Stephanie. We talked for a bit about various things, ranging from her education to what type of foods she liked. Maybe I was a little hard on people in New Jersey. In any event, I guess I'll hang around her for a little while. I did tell Stephanie to meet me at the "arena" at 6:00 which was one hour prior to the show. Well, unless you want to hear about me hanging out at the hotel then I will end this little story for now. See you at the event.

August 28th- 6:00 PM

I pulled up in the High School parking lot and locked the door before exiting. I saw Stephanie in the parking lot and walked up to her and welcomed her. I had a bag with my gear on the false hope that I am even in the event. I walked into the auditorium, blatantly avoiding the locker room. The ring and everything was set up so I decided to take Stephanie inside of a wrestling ring. I think I was doing good at this point, persue it like a friendship. I hope she didn't think I wanted to go further. Anyway, I bounced off of the ropes to check them out and it was pretty decent. Nothing compared to the WWE, I sat my gymbag outside of the ring as Stephanie and I prepared for a "match." She happened to be wearing a WWE RAW shirt so she was prepared. She whipped me into the ropes and I came back and fell from a clothesline. I was having a blast, she pinned me and I kicked out. We were counting our own pinfalls. We seemed like two kids out there playing, we were laughing. She won the match with her clothesline. We left the ring and headed backstage, she got to meet a few wrestlers. She shook Randy Orton's hand, I tried to keep her away from New Jack. I sat in the locker room with Stephanie just talking. Didn't care enough to actually watch it, I just walked around the locker room occassionally slapping hands with the guys as they walked in, pretending to care. The truth was that the more the night wore on, the more depressed I got. Stephanie didn't look to be having a ball either. I actually got up in the middle of the show and told Stephanie that we are leaving. I walked into Eric Bischoff's office and asked him if I could take off before the show was over. He had no problem with it. Stephanie and I headed to my car, I asked her where her car was and she said that she took a taxi. No complaints there, as we drove down the road we both joked about what an eventful day it was. Stephanie was really a great person, lucky to had met her. Though, I had to meet someone intelligent, it was a lunch break.

We arrived at my hotel room and we went up to the room. She flopped onto the bed as I sat beside her. I'm ashamed to admit that I was feeling like a 13 year old boy who had broken into his father's Playboy stash. She rushed in the "how do you feel about sex" question. I was shocked, she leaned in for a kiss and I returned the favor. What in the hell was going on? Anyway, she broke up the kiss and adruptly said "I don't know what I am doing here. Chris, you are a nice guy but this is going WAY too fast. I'll call you later." I flopped onto the bed, and thought "what a day." I fell asleep soon afterwards.

The proceeding diary entry was written by a Harvard Graduate

[D-Extreme]

Tonight is the night starts a new wrestling career for Alan Funk. Yes..ME! So at the start of the day I was merrier than ever. After taking a brief shower and started singing "f*cking in the bushes" by Oasis. Even though in my opinion says that they suck, I kinda like the song. After eating a hearty breakfast....I then realized I dont need to leave the house till 5 and then go there with a 1 hour time in traffic. Hell New Jersey is pretty near in my residence.

So after about 4 hours of non stop TV time and watching Oprah, some football game and that regis show. I then ordered some pizza from tony's pizzaria for lunch while I was alone in the house while wifey is doing her new job. Tony's Pizzaria has one of the best pepperoni pizzas in the world. Hell you can go to the strip mall here in Jersey thats about 5 minutes away depending on the traffic just to eat there. Well about 3 PM and 2 hours to get to my car and drive off I spent 1 hour lifting a few weights and doing some stretching, and I dont mean the RVD stretch.

By 5 o'clock, I put my wrestling gear in my bag and put the bag on the trunk. I drove off to the high school gymnasium of Kearney New Jersey! Well it took me actually 30 mins. Traffic was not that bad like it usually was. Now I entered the gym as I met Eric. Well he had some bad news for me

Eric: Hello Alan. Sorry man but we got no match or segment for you this time. Maybe in the next event. I'm sorry if you had to drive all the way just to know about this.

Me: Well actually its not that far fro...

Eric: Uh yeah here you go. Heres your paycheck for the show tonight. Really sorry you wont be in it. Its ok if you wanna leave now

Me: hundred?! Whoa this is great man! Dont worry I'll be wa...

Eric: Uh yeah yeah yeah, whatever Alan. Take it and leave if you want to.

Me:..........I was gonna say tha...

Eric: Yeah I know! IM SORRY!! OK! Next time you'll be in the program I promise that ok?

Me: Yes sir. Thank you

I kinda got misinterprited by Bisch again. Hell even in my WCW days he doesnt want me to finish what im saying. Instead he gets it all wrong. Well anyways it was kind of him to give me money for just driving here and do nothing. Well I was also looking forward to wrestling. But hey there is nothing wrong getting a hundred bucks to do nothing but go there right?

I met a few familiar faces in the backstage area. They were Lenny and David Flair. Well thank goodness there doing fine. 10 Minutes before the show started, I bid the guys farewell and headed home.

I drove off and kinda got back at my house with the paycheck. I cooked dinner for me and my wife tonight. Well she did atleast notice that I got a 100 dollar paycheck with me. I think we could use the paycheck to buy some new furniture in our living room or buy some food at the grocery tommorow. Wheter I wrestled or not, that dont matter to me. Cause atleast today I know I got a job at APWA. And this time I know I might be wrestling for the next show instead of acting gay and wear those high heel shoes and speak girlish. Cause the days of me being "Former Miss TNA Bruce" is now over. I'll be "angry" Alan Funk yet again...and no....I will not be yet another Colin Mochrie look alike.

Edited July 17, 2004 by D-Extreme

[Guest Vince Russo]

After the card is over, New Jack is sitting in what passes for the dressing room in the Kearny High School Gymnasium. He’s sweating, and breathing heavily

New Jack: So this is the motherfuckin’ American Pro Wrestling Alliance? What a bunch of goddamn shit. That’s what this is: a bunch of goddamn shit. I got put in the ring with a bunch of motherfucking crackers, and a pair goddamn Gangsta wannabes, who think they’re motherfucking Vanilla Ice, who was a goddamn cracker himself. First off, there was my fucking partner, some vanilla midget superhero-wannabe, who would get his ass fucked to shreds in prison. Not that I go for that shit mind you. Hell, watch it ? Sure. But not take part. I also had two motherfucking crackers who don’t know what the fuck it’s like on the streets, don’t know what the fuck it’s like to fight for your life on a daily basis, and who have had everything fucking handed to them on a motherfucking plate their entire lives, and they think that they can just fucking dress up and play at being a goddamn gangster. Fuckers, don’t be pulling that motherfucking shit with New Jack. If you want to talk to the last goddamn cracker that tried that shit, you’d better learn to speak to the motherfucking dead. And I won’t even waste my goddamn breath on the other two strawberries that were in the ring, but lemme tell you two motherfuckers not to cross my motherfucking path again, or you’ll get juiced some more, just like a strawberry. But you know something ? That wasn’t the worst part, no. The worst part of this whole motherfucking day was the goddamn fact that I had to play support to a goddamn ‘roid boy, and a motherfucking greenhorn. Eric Bischoff, I’ll take a payday from just about anyone. Heck, I took one from that goddamn Grand Wizard down in Bumblefuck Tennessee, but Eric ? Don’t you ever put me below those two motherfuckers again, or I swear to whatever goddamn God you wanna believe in that I’ll pull a Reginald Denny on your cracker ass. You hear me, motherfucker ?

[GoGo Yubari]

My name is John Cena.

But hell, if you’ve followed wrestling in the past year, you should probably know that, right?

And you should probably know how big a shock it was when I told Vince and the boys to take their contract extension and stuff it, right?

I’ve gotten mixed responses since that. A lot of fans applaud me for standing up to the “big, evil corporation,” and then there are people who call me ungrateful.

Those guys have it wrong. I’m thankful that WWE gave me a shot and let me be myself on TV. I mean, the Prototype? That wasn’t me. The characterless babyface who debuted on WWE TV with all that “ruthless aggression?” There’s a bit of me there, but not much.

The rapper who blasted everyone in sight, dissing everyone who got in my face? Yeah, THAT was John Cena.

But, see, as I started getting popular something happened. WWE stopped having faith in me and my character. “You’ve got to play to the crowd, John! Put them over! Appeal to their tastes!”

Appeal to their tastes? Shit. I WAS appealing to their tastes! I didn’t need to change my character! Did they turn The Rock into a smiling, happy-go-lucky good guy? No! That’s why he’s the Great One!

But I changed. I limited my rhymes. I didn’t go all out. I made it so the crowd could understand everything I said. And what happens? The smart guys in creative do nothing with me! They have me face Rene Dupree! I like Rene, he’s a good guy, but why give a guy who was in a cheap heat tag team a spot on the card that high? You get Booker T and Rob Van Dam and have me face Rene Dupree?

And then I see, all around me, limited workers getting major pushes. Bradshaw? What the fuck did Bradshaw ever do, huh? Kenzo Suzuki? We already have talented Japanese guys, but instead of giving Keiji Sakoda a chance they bring in that stumbling, slow-motion punk!

But that’s done. Like I said, like you know, I’m done with WWE and their games. I’m on the indy circuit now and DAMN does it feel good. I mean, I’m one of the highest-paid guys on the scene, and I’m working three, sometimes four dates a week. Throw in my work on my first record and you got a busy man to say the least. But I can handle it. All I’m wanting right now is to prove that I can be successful without WWE telling me what to do.

So when Eric Bischoff gives me an offer to join the APWA, you know I’m in. Another promotion to main event in, right?

Wrong. I make it to the gymnasium (man, a gym? Eric Bischoff can’t do better than a gym?) and as I’m coming in, Harvey Whippleman greets me and gives me a rundown of what’s happening on the show.

Test? Shit, of all the people to put in the main event, TEST? I get why he’s using Randy, that makes sense, but I’m being passed up for a guy like Test? I don’t know what Eric’s smoking, but it must be good. Maybe he’s got Jeff Hardy supplyin’ him or something.

And just as I’m thinking about that, the man himself shows up and shakes my hand.

Eric: “John! Great to see you, buddy! I see you’re looking at tonight’s card! Any questions?”

Why are you using Test? What the hell did I even come here for?

Me: “Why’m I teaming with William Regal, Eric? I mean, I like him and all, but it doesn’t fit with my gimmick.”

Eric: “It does now, John! Tonight the world sees the birth of, you’re gonna love this… Gangsta Willie Regal!”

… Definitely smoking something.

Me: “Does Regal know about this yet?”

Eric: “Nah, he hasn’t come in yet, but I can’t wait to see the look on his face! Now, John, you have to teach William the lingo and the poses you guys do. I would get New Jack to do it, but…”

Me: “… But he’s New Jack.”

Eric: “Exactly. Have fun out there, John! You’ll get your payment after the match!”

Oh, man. This is gonna be a bizarre night.

[ADG]

“……..God save…..the Queen!”

Ah, brilliant. The way it builds to that crescendo really fills you with pride. So what if it is coming out of speakers which would have looked out of place in the 1970’s, the fact is I am a free man, out of the horrid atmosphere of the WWE and into a laid back, respected position in the American Pro Wrestling Alliance. Or so I thought.

I pulled into the high school car park already worried. Eric Bischoff couldn’t get better than a high school? Herb Abrams got the MGM Grand Arena! Who cared if there were only 200 people in it, he still had a 22,000 seat arena, and we get a high school gym? Still, it’s a pay day I suppose. Getting out my car I saw New Jack entering the front entrance. I was surprised he getting a lift from a police car, but I smiled to myself knowing it would only be a matter of time before he was arrested. New Jack isn’t a wrestler, he’s a thug. A torag. A scallie. A ned. A chav. Call it what you like. Of course he calls himself a “gangsta” Oh, I’m real scared. Al Capone, Baby Face Nelson, John Dillinger. They were gangsters yes, but they were sophisticated. Well read, well spoken. They were cultured. This New Jack, he’s none of those. Every second word with him is a curse word, vile, vulgar man.

I decided to give it a couple of minutes, let New Jack go off and lock himself in a toilet cubicle, to snort a line of cocaine before I made my entrance, and who should be there waiting for me but Eric Bischoff himself. He looked nervous, as if he was about to tell me I was fired. Now with hindsight, that would have been better.

“Hi William” he said. “How’s it goin’?”

“Fine” I said, “Very well, and yourself?”

“Oh I’m good, listen I wanted to talk to you.”

“What about?”

“Your match tonight.”

“Okay then.”

“Well, listen, have you seen the card yet?”

“All I know is we’ve got Test and Randy as the main event.”

That in itself was laughable. Test vs. Randy Orton as the main event. Some untalented hick and a bummer in the main event! This was what was meant to bring people into this dump of a gym.

“Yeah well, we planned a tag match but we’re splitting it into a triple threat tag now because of……..I dunno some lovers tiff between Shannon and Shane. You’re teaming with John Cena as his mystery partner.”

I didn’t see why he looked so nervous. I liked Cena. Granted he wasn’t the type of person I would look for in a friend, but he was a rare breed nowadays. Someone who respects the business and will do anything for it. That level of respect died with Hogan, Warrior and Goldberg. It’s nice to see it surfacing again.

“That’s wonderful” I said. “Cena is an excellent prospect. You did well to get him on board here.”

“Yeah, well listen. We wanted to team the two of you together but it requires a gimmick change.”

Now the alarm bells were ringing.

“How much of a gimmick change?”

“Well, how does the name “Gangsta” Willie Regal grab you?”

Like a pair of pliers pulling at my testicles.

“Sounds…………..sounds……well it sounds………great.”

A fucking “Gangsta” ? What could possibly convince this man that I would: [a] Want to be a “gangsta” and (b] Be able to pull it off. I bit my lip though and reminded myself that this is a payday, even if it won’t be much of one.

“Well John will go over the….you know, words and hand gestures you need to learn.”

“Okay, oh and Eric?”

“Yes.”

“Who am I wrestling against tonight?”

“Shannon Moore & Lenny Lane in one team and Shane Helms…………..”

Good….

“……and New Jack in the other team.”

New Jack? New Jack? I have to step into the ring with that thug? I have to step into the ring with that thug. This is looking promising.

“So what do you think Willie?”

“I love it Eric, I love it.” If only to prove to that torag that this is a sport, and he doesn’t belong here.

“I knew you’d like it. Well I’ll see you later.”

----------------------------------------------

After much searching I found John in the cafeteria, getting a drink from the vending machine.

“Hey William, I guess you heard about tonight huh?”

“Oh no, no, no…….Oh you mean this bloody asinine gimmick I’ve been given, then yes I have.”

“Yeah I’m not too crazy about it either. Not that I’m not happy to be teaming with you, seriously I’m honoured and all, I just don’t like how it came about. Plus Jack will be pissed.”

“Ah yes, the infamous murdering bastard. But lets move on. The match itself, how do you see it going?”

“Well, New Jack is supposed to beat us up for a while, then we get a comeback before he comes back and wins. But hey, it’s Jack. That means weapons and the possibility of death.”

“Bloody thug.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“Listen to me here John. I have faced tougher men than him. Back on Blackpool Pier I’d face men about twice his size, twice his strength because I wanted to. And I would win. If Jack wants to, I’d take him any day, any place. I would rip his arm out his socket before he could even say ‘I’ll blast you!’

“Where did you hear that?”

“Oh some comedian.”

“Come on, I’ll show you what you need to know…………..”

John was helpful, very helpful. As we talked we laughed and as we laughed we got to know each other better. With me now as “Gangsta” Willie Regal, we’ll be spending a lot of time together. What was that line from “Casablanca”? Ah yes.

“This will be the start of a beautiful friendship………..”

----------------------------------------------

And then we get to the match itself. As it turns out, Shane and that bastard are to win, and they’re to look dominant. I tried to talk Eric round before hand, saying that the more offence that thug has the more likely he is of killing someone. Eric told me I was being silly and said we’d have a good match. So we go out there, and within a minute I can’t breathe. Why you ask? Only because that criminal stabbed me in the throat with a guitar neck. And then as if that wasn’t enough, he brings out a fucking staple gun. I didn’t agree to this! I was not told anything about a bloody staple gun. But there was some redemption, a shovel, and New Jack’s skull. When it came time to hit him, I just smiled. For the first time in this entire match I was on the offensive and by God was I going to enjoy it. Before tonight I had always regarded the safety of my opponent as paramount, but with New Jack, I took an exception and hit him as hard as I bloody well could! Not that he didn’t get his own back with that golf club at the end mind you. The biggest insult was that I was the one pinned.

Right after we’d finished the show I found Eric backstage. I’d had the staple pulled out and ice put on the swelling but I was still a little dazed.

“Eric!”

“Yeah William. Great match out there by the way”

“Yes indeed, um…………I was…….oh I’ve forgotten it now.”

“Probably being hit with that gold club.”

“No, no, erm…….Ah got it!”

“Spit it out man”

“I was wondering if I could possibly have a match one on one with New Jack soon. I think we could play off that match there. The staple gun, “STOP” sign and what not.”

“Maybe, I’ll think about it. Here’s your pay for the night.”

He handed me an envelope marked “WR” and left. $200 for the night. $200 for having a staple put in my head and getting a concussion from New Jack. Thank goodness for health insurance. But for now, I wanted pie. I wonder if there’s a Denny’s in Kearny………………..

Edited July 18, 2004 by ADGray

[Pleatherface]

My testicles are swolen to the size of grapefruit... WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I laid in the back of my beat up station wagon, thinking about the past few weeks..

My wrestling career had been going no where it didn't take a genuis to figure that out.. WOOOOOOO!

It was pretty clear to me that I'd never get out of the shadow of my father, his enemies knew who I was all too well, as did his employer..

I couldn't very well show up and mooch off his success when he's doing exactly what I would be doing, now can I?

I had a few independent bookings here and there nothing serious I thought maybe I could get a little money saved up and move to Japan or something..

The Fliehr name was big out there, Oh by the way I'm David Fliehr nice to meet you WOOOOOOOO!

So I'm on the verge of food stamps when guess who calls.. Uncle Eric.. I was glad to hear from him, he asked how pop was, he talked a little bit about the business and then asked me if I wanted a job.. I jumped at the opportunity.

Now, some wrestlers are quite cautious when concerning long term contracts, I'm not.

I've got a fish to feed for god sakes, can't let a little thing like ego get in the way. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's the other thing, he wanted me to imitate my father basically, do the exact same thing I'd been doing for about 25 years now..

I went to Jersey, met Unc and the group, and made the obvious statement..

We sucked. Not to discredit anyone, APWA is filled with great talent, just more people would rather see Teddy Long than the whole roster combined.. with good reason Teddy Long rocks, but thats not the point.

I met Elix, whom I might have said 6 words to during our respective stays at WCW. He seems like a nice person, but I don't really know him..

I sat around talking with Teddy, Bisch, and Yang, I was hoping to get a couple words with Regal but I didn't have the chance.

Finally, time came around for my match and I went out with red and white feathered boas and all, red trunks, my hair dyed white everything..

I tell you sometimes it's really degrading to have to go out there and pretend to be my father, and it hurts knowing that the fans that boo me, and the fans that cheer me however few of them there maybe.. will never know me for who I am..

They will only know me as Ric Flair's kid.

That's the bain of my exsistence, but the reason that I goto gym after gym, show after show.. hoping, begging, pleading that someday, someone will see me for who I am, give me a decent gimmick other than me spouting off "wheelin dealin" catch phrases and a plethora of "WOOOOOOOS" WOOO!

But, tonight wasn't that night, tonight I did everything like dad would, I sold like him, I acted like him.. everything..

I even used his finisher to pick up the victory, although it's been copied so much through the years its not really his anymore..

After the match I went to the back sweating profusely, I didnt notice it till after my shower, but my left testicle was swelling..

I decided it wouldn't be a problem, got dressed, got my paycheck from Teddy.. made sure to tease him about Haterizing, for some reason I've always like Teddy.

Whenever I would goto a WCW event I'd flock to him, which prolly made him hate me more than most people do.

Anytime I got a couple beers in me I would find myself relentlessy pelting the poor man with drunken white boy impressions of his "playa" gimmick he's always been a little sensitive about that...

Anyway, after I got my paycheck, I got in my wagon, went to the "Happy Palace" got as much chinese food as 6.59 could by, and started to drive back to my hotel when much to my chagrin I realized that I was unable to do so..

My scrotum had began to ache so much, that I had to park my car, that is by the way is much older than my father's feud with Ricky Steamboat, and rest in the parking lot of Long John Silver's.

I've always had some trouble with taking a groin shot and 99 times out of 100 the pain is too much for me to bare, it's been even more painful since I've started passing kidney stones, but that is a story for another time.

As I lay here waiting for the pain to stop so I can drive back to my hotel and watch some well deserved soft-core porn on PPV, I contemplate the meaning of my meager exsistence, was I really put on this earth to do nothing more than mimmic others, and if so why?

What benevolent greater being would bestow upon me such a horror, and I honestly have to answer myself..

I don't know, I don't know why I do this, but I do, and I shall aslong as my body allows me..

I close my eyes and begin to dose off in the backseat of my station wagon, with the hope that one day some female fan has to see me wrestle, and think to herself "That guy is hot, I wonder if he's single.." or at the very least boo me... a

Then, I dream my dreams of lamb and sheep as I fall quickly off to sleep.

Woooo...

[bubba]

I want to be Taylor Matheny please

[Essa]

Okay, good shit so far guys. Hajjhowe, and Bubba, just post your roleplays for the first show as soon as you can.

[Hajjhowe]

IT'S PRIMETIME BABY!!!!

At least it should be, but instead I am stuck jobbing my fine ass out to some chump kid! I'll get to my stuff later though...

Easy E made some bullshit announcements, but I didn't hear Primetime mentioned, what's up with that shit? He still got the people hyped, so that's cool.

Next up were two brothers beating the shit out of each other. They were ok, but they weren't PRIMIETIME BABY! The fat boy beat Norman. It was pretty weak come to think of it.

Next those crazy Japs fought Kash Money. It was some wicked shit, I’ll admit, but it would have been even better if I were in it. I mean I fought those boys in WCW, and I was champion! I made them look good man!

Next was one of the highlights of the show. Flair said some shit about being Ric Flair, but the glory that is I, Elix Skipper, arrived and stole the show with a sizzling promo.

The next bit was lame, but I managed to make Flair look like a million bucks, as only Primetime can. I can't believe Bischoff made me job... damn cracka.

Next it was white boy city as Shannon Moore sang, Sugar Shane rapped and for some reason William Reagle showed up. Anyways New Jack was with Helms, although if he were smart he'd team with primetime.

The match was good, but it could have used a few overdrives and maybe a couple of other Elix moves. Jack and Helms won.

Finally the big boys went out and put the fans to sleep. Why are they main eventing when I am here? Do they not see the glory of Primetime?

Overall it was pretty good, but was definitely lacking in Skipper skills. I'll need to talk to EB about this shit.

[bubba]

It's My Time To Shine!

It's My Time To Be The One!

It's My Time To Shine!

That's right your looking at the one herself. The Diamond Doll Taylor Matheny!!

When I interfered in the ladder match, I had one thing on my mind, to get my man whatever he wanted.

I want the whole world to see how I can hang with the guys and kick their asses!

Screw Tough Enough because I am here in APWA with the real boys. Not with the fake wrestler's in WWE.

This is were real wrestler's come to fight, which is why im here in APWA.

Your going to be seeing more of The Diamond Doll Talyor Matheny playing with the boys and kicking their ass.

[Essa]

...Bubba, you suck.

[Your Mom]

It's nice to be paid just for looking pretty. That's by no means demeaning what I do because I am quite talented if I do say so myself. But what that means is I collected my money tonight and all I did was put on an outfit and sit around backstage watching the show.

Sadly it wasnt a very good show, but I still got my $150 either way so what do I care? Taylor did great too. I gave her a good long hug just so she would know how impressed I was with her performance. She is in nice shape for not being a Tough Enough winner like me.

I hope Taylor and I will be good friends. I mean us girls have to stick together. I hope Eric books me on the next show. This outfit makes my butt look hot.

[DMN in the House]

'And I'm as free as a bird now... and this bird you cannot cha-ah-ah-ang-aaaaaaaaaaaange'

Man, I love that song. I sat in the lockeroom, after stealing the show, along with EZ and the Jung Dragons, changing into my street clothes. Usually I'd stay and watch the main event, but New Jack's not really my thing. The fans love it, and it keeps him employed, but any fuck down the road can do it.

I need a beer. I wonder if their's a bar in this nothing town. Wait, every town has a bar, I just need to find it. I went outside. A few of the guys were standing around. Jimmy, Norman, Kaz, the WCW guys. I nodded, and slid into my Camero.

I need to get drunk.

[Guest It's 999]

So it looks like Simon Diamond’s career is on the up again. Jesus, I really had to get out of TNA. “Irish” Pat Kenney? Have me split up with my tag team partner Johnny Swinger, a man who I grew up with, a man that I knew inside out and had a great chemistry with? I was promised a main event push, and my patience to become a major player on the “Jeff Jarrett Show” had just completely ran out.

APWA looks like it’s gonna give me a push that I’ve been waiting for, for ages. Hopefully I’ll get into a feud with either Kid Kash or EZ Money, since I worked with both of them, especially Kash, back in ECW. I was worried about the reaction I would get, interfering in the match with Taylor Matheny, but it looked like the fans knew who I was, and hated what I did, which was the exact desired effect.

This push in APWA could go anywhere…it could come to nothing….or I could become a bigtime player. All I know, is that whatever the guys in APWA want me to do, I’ll do it. And damn it, I’ll do it well.

(OOC: Is Taylor Matheny Diamond’s wife, Dawn Marie?)

[TOG]

No. Taylor Matheny was a contestant on Tough Enough.