metalman's guide to pop music!

[METALMAN]

Right, I know a lot of you guys are a bit out of step with cultural trends and that sort of thing, especially chart music, so I thought I'd make a little guide to let you know what you can listen to. Feel free to print it off and keep it in your wallet, provided you drop me a message so we can discuss a fee.

A few things to note:

• It is highly recommended you only listen to artists from the top three tiers (the tiers in heaven).

• Listening to artists from tier four is not recommended and extreme caution is advised. If anything untoward happens, let me know as soon as possible.

• Listening to artists from tier five, six and seven is strictly forbidden. You may only listen to such artists upon receipt of written permission from me.

• If you feel an artist has been classified wrongly, you may petition for it to be moved to another tier. I will consider all such requeats. However, my decision is final and always correct. I mean, I do this sort of thing as part of my job, you don't (probably, and even if you did I'm still better at it than you.).

• Given the nature of pop music, sometimes it necessary to consider things beyond the artist's music, such as their videos, their character, or their style. Such factors can affect the artist's rating both positively and negatively. Perhaps the most obvious example of when such factors become relevant is Lady Gaga.

Tier 1: Terminally chill

Cher Lloyd

Lady Gaga

Lana Del Rey

Tier 2: Cool like a banana in a fridge

Cee Lo Green

Kanye West

Katy B

Tinie Tempah

Tier 3: Quite cool like a spring morning in Glasgow

Alexandra Stan

Aloe Blacc

Calvin Harris

Dappy

Inna

Mike Posner

Noah & the Whale

Snoop Dogg

Swedish House Mafia

Tinchy Stryder

Willow Smith

Tier 4: Pffffffffffffft, who cares?

Avril Lavigne

Britney Spears

David Guetta

Drake

50 Cent

Gotye

Ke$ha

Labrinth

Loick Essien

Mann

Maverick Sabre

Ms. Dynamite

Nero

One Direction

Parade

Rizzle Kicks

Sean Paul

Taio Cruz

Take That

Will Young

Wiz Khalifa

Wretch 32

Wynter Gordon

Yasmin

Tier 5: Quite warm like freshly photocopied paper

Adele

Birdy

Black Eyed Peas

Bruno Mars

Chase and Status

Christina Perri

Coldplay

Damien Rice

DJ Fresh

Emeli Sandé

Enrique Iglesias

Flo Rida

Gym Class Heroes

Jason Derulo

Kelly Clarkson

LMFAO

Ludacris

Matt Cardle

McFly

Nicki Minaj

Olly Murs

Pitbull

Professor Green

Rihanna (though you are allowed to listen to Rude Boi without permission)

Sak Noel

Scouting For Girls

The Wanted

Tier 6: Hot as hell without the positive connotations

Akon

Alexis Jordan

Alyssa Reid

Charlene Soraia

Cheryl Cole

Chipmunk

Christina Aguilera

Dev

Ed Sheeran

Ellie Goulding

James Morrison

JLS

Jennifer Lopez

Katy Perry

Ne-Yo

Nicola Roberts

Pink

Pixie Lott

The Saturdays

Sean Kingston

Templecloud

Vato Gonzalez

Tier 7: The worst! Kill them with fire!

Chris Brown (he's actually had a few good songs since he came back but...you know...)

Eminem

Example

Jessie J

Kelly Rowland

Leona Lewis

Maroon 5

Nicole Scherzinger

Usher

Westlife

[Lineker]

Shit thread.

[METALMAN]

no it is highly useful

[Lineker]

It's a tool like you!

[Gazz]

Mike Posner looks like a windowlicker with a spray on beard.

That's pretty much all I know about pop music.

[METALMAN]

Yes. I bumped him up a bit cause he did a song with cherzo.

[Liam]

I hate metalman.

[METALMAN]

why? i put you on my non-ignore list for luffbra!

[Liam]

Ok, I retract my previous statement.

Although I don't know when Damien Rice was relevant enough these days to be on one of these lists.

[METALMAN]

he charted last year because some bunch of clowns from the x-factor sang his song and made it popular again

[Rich]

This thread makes angels weep.

[Clawson]

Do we get an exception to watch Katy Perry videos on Youtube just to stare at her tits?

[RPS]

this list is godawful.

[The DBZemon King]

Do we get an exception to watch Katy Perry videos on Youtube just to stare at her tits?

I'll answer this one if I may Metalman...

Yes, but only with the sound off. (Y)

[RPS]

you are missing beyonce. what tier?

[Liam]

this list is godawful.

And bummers know pop.

[RPS]

this list is godawful.

And bummers know pop.

I was going to initially reply "this is what happens when you have a straight person rank pop music" but I thought I'd leave the door open for someone else to make the joke.

[Liam]

this list is godawful.

And bummers know pop.

I was going to initially reply "this is what happens when you have a straight person rank pop music" but I thought I'd leave the door open for someone else to make the joke.

You always leave 'the door' open

Yeah, that sucked....sorry.

[The DBZemon King]

Sleigh Bells, what tier?

[RPS]

Madonna, Azealia Banks, Gwen Stefani, Shakira, Kelis, Annie, Lily Allen...

What tier?

(we could be here all day)

EDIT: Also, Bearforce1:

Edited February 28, 2012 by RockPaperScissors