King Ellis' Christmas Movie Thing

[MalaCloudy Black]

Hellraiser was made on a $1 million budget. Closer to $985-990,000 according to Clive Barker, but that's close enough to round up.

[King Ellis]

Day 28

Child's Play (1988)

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Poor Chicago. Why are you always the epicenter of horror? Poltergeist 3, Candyman, the Nightmare on Elm Street remake...now a killer doll.

The major annoyance about the film is that damn doll. They came so close to making a pretty cool movie but they start out by removing any subtlety they might have had. Throughout the movie you can see that there's an idea there that maybe little Andy is the one committing these crimes, maybe the talking doll is all just in his head. It's another example of how coming into it late is a big factor when it's such an established franchise and character but just looking at the movie by itself they show straight away that it's some sort of black magic that puts the spirit of a murderer into a doll.

Hell, I'm not sure if you could even buy this movie nowadays without the cover having the bloody knife wielding Chucky front and centre.

That murderer sure hates Fireball Island though. Lakeshore Strangler, my arse. Put down your gun and go choke those cops out!

That's some pretty powerful voodoo!

Again, it probably doesn't help that it's already been established in my head that Chucky is a villain but that doll would look creepy either way. Then again, most of these things usually do. Oh, they made a doll that wets itself? BURN IT.

Oh well, at least I can laugh at the guy in the costume for a moment and forget my troubles.

If it were in the kid's head, I think I'd know what my first explanation would be. He's awake extra early since it's his birthday and he makes his mother breakfast in bed: an overflowing bowl of ''Good Guys' cereal with three spoons of sugar on top and some charred toast with a huge dollop of butter on it. I think I'm going to throw up. At least he can't fuck up a glass of OJ, right? I think he has this whole birthday thing mixed up, normally people would be bringing you stuff then, not the other way around.

After seeing a commercial for a Good Guy doll on TV, he spots a huge present and puts two and two together. Except, this is a single parent family and these dolls are $100 so that box only contained a pair of jeans. Top class trolling. 10/10

Luckily she finds a bum who has scavenged the burnt out toy store and found a doll. Her friend haggles him down to $30 and we have a deal. Unfortunately, the friend has to babysit that night and Chucky hits her so hard that she flies back about 6 feet through a window, crashing through the roof of an estate car. That doll can hit hard!

And this is one part where the mystery actually works. You only see flashes of movement, hear the sound of tiny feet scurrying by. Andy is so obsessed with the Good Guys that he's dressed the exact same as the doll and they're not massively different in size so it's not entirely clear who's doing all this.

Not that you'd want that the whole movie, you still need the truth to come out at some point and when it does, it's pretty glorious. Just going from this doll saying "I like hugs!" in it's sweet, innocent voice to "You stupid bitch! You filthy slut! I'll teach you to fuck with me!" is hilarious.

Chucky comes to learn from his old voodoo teacher that he'll be stuck in the doll forever unless he can transfer his soul into the first person he revealed the truth to, little Andy.

BAD TOUCH! VERY BAD TOUCH! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES!

[King Ellis]

Day 29

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

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So maybe I lied about only having room for one set of clowns, how can you possibly resist Captain Spaulding? Guy looks hella cool. He is the curator of the 'Museum of Monsters and Madmen' that also happens to serve fried chicken. It just tastes so damn good.

Urgh, I didn't know that was one of the Colonel's secret herbs and spices.

Amongst the visitors to his museum is Rainn Wilson. I don't watch the US Office so I can't make any Dwight jokes. I did watch The Rocker though, this certainly isn't what I'd call a Promised Land...Yeah, I was probably the only person in the world who watched that one, wasn't I?

It's very much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a bunch of people ending up running into a family full of weirdoes who proceed to hack them to bits. See, they get the idea to go looking for a local legend after seeing it at the museum, a certain 'Dr. Satan'. Pfft, he's no Dr. Giggles. Whereas TCM was pretty tame all things considered, this really piles on the weirdness and gore.

Namely one characters habit of turning his kills into works of art. Rainn Wilson, merman was definitely not something I was expecting to see.

It's not wholly original but it's certainly a spectacle with all the weird characters, grotesque imagery, mutilated corpses, dead characters skin being worn by these psychos, almost home video style snippets with them doing pieces to camera or showing close ups of their handiwork and nightmare sequences where everything is in negative.

And there's this one point where a cop is about to be executed, a gun pressed against his forehead, but the shot is just held for like thirty seconds, leaving you in suspense and waiting for this to be just over and done with before the trigger is finally pulled.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

Fireball Island is worth decent money if you've got a copy complete and in good condition. Three figures in fact.

[King Ellis]

I'm not really familiar with Fireball Island personally, the vaguely similar game I remember from my childhood is:

Not that I can really recall playing it properly, I just remember the green pterodactyl that came with it.

[Damian WayLNKe]

The real "I can't believe he's in that" of House of 1,000 Corpses is Chris Hardwick.

[King Ellis]

Just looking him up, the host of Singled Out? Yeah, that's a pretty odd one.

---

Day 30

Eyes Without a Face (1960)

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We're winding down now but I couldn't resist slipping in one more foreign film to bump up the numbers. Or would this only get me half a point since it's listed as 'French-Italian'? Either way, this was the last on my list of the trio of movies I was interested in from Horror Europa and it's just in the nick of time with The Curse of Michael Myers rounding out the month tomorrow.

Funny that we should be talking about Michael Myers as the emotionless mask worn by Christiane throughout most of the film is similar to that worn by The Shape, with John Carpenter even suggesting it may have served as some inspiration. This very blank expression is pretty creepy.

It's nice after recent psycho filled mayhem to have a killer who has a reason for what is he does. Christiane's father strives to fix her, restore her beauty after a car accident destroyed her face. Christiane blames him entirely for his wreckless driving so maybe there's some guilt thrown in alongside the general urgency to help his child. Dr Génessier is a skilled surgeon who takes to abducting young girls to remove their faces and graft it onto his daughter.

Hey! This morgue is just painted on!

Better yet, he's also a Horseman!

Whilst I may have found this to be rather uneventful and plodding, there is one important thing to take away from all of this:

I choose to remember Christiane as a faceless woman, a faceless woman who loved birds.

[Moses Julep]

One of my faves! You're a good man, King Ellis.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

I'm not really familiar with Fireball Island personally, the vaguely similar game I remember from my childhood is:

Not that I can really recall playing it properly, I just remember the green pterodactyl that came with it.

I have a copy of that under my stairs at the moment actually! Found it in a charity shop a while back. Happy days.

[King Ellis]

Day 31

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

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It's back to Illinois once more and a trip to the fictional Haddonfield to see what's going on with Michael Myers. It's been 6 years since his last outing when he was sprung from jail by the mysterious man in black, are we ready to ignore that as we did Jamie's murdering of her step-mother?

Well, actually, we aren't. I don't know if it's necessarily meant to be the exact same guy from Revenge of Michael Myers but we do get a young character here seeing visions of a man in black, hearing voices telling him to kill. That and a whole lot of backstory on a cult, ancient Druid symbols and a curse that has given Michael his powers.

I think they may have played around with Jamie's age here as she's now giving birth to a baby but this isn't any conventional hospital, the Druid's of this weird cult have taken her somewhere underground to have the baby and then they plan to use it in some way.

I'm not entirely sure what because the idea they set out is that Michael has been marked with 'Thorn', an ancient Druid curse meant to save many of their tribes people by inflicting a curse one child who would then kill their family on Halloween and this sacrifice I guess would satisfy the God's. If Michael manages to kill his family than the curse is broken, at least on him, and would be passed onto another child. Which it seems is the plan of this cult because they do abduct a boy from the extended Strode family but why didn't they just kill Jamie off if she was the last surviving link to Michael? They do also bring up that Thorn is a constellation of stars that appears periodically on Halloween and Michael also appears when it does so I guess they couldn't enact their plan until the next appearance of Thorn. Serves as a way to explain the big gaps between these movies as well.

A nurse that helped deliver the baby has a change of heart and helps Jamie escape but gets killed by Michael. He eventually chases Jamie down to a farm, impaling her on some equipment but finds that the baby isn't with her. It's no use asking for a hug, love, playing to his emotional side didn't work last time.

That's because she stashed him first at a bus station. It's there she makes a panicked call to a local shock jock who is due to broadcast out of Haddonfield on Halloween night and is playing up the whole Michael Myers thing. This gets the attention of one Tommy Doyle, played oddly enough by Paul Rudd, who is meant to be one of the kids Laurie Strode was babysitting in the first film, now a bit of a creeper and obsessed by the whole Myers thing. He manages to figure out Jamie called from the bus station, heads down there and finds the baby.

Actually, the radio show is pretty amusing because there's talk about various conspiracy theories including one that the CIA blew up the police station at the end of 5, abducting Michael, intending to use him as the ultimate soldier. But, unable to control him, they put him on a rocket and fired him into space. Michael Myers in space! I'm getting horrible foreshadowing of some future sequel here like Jason or Leprechaun. Personally, I think Michael Myers is a reptilian like Obama and the British Royal Family.

Jamie also appealed to Dr Loomis to come help her and, man, if you thought Loomis was run down by the end of 5, you ain't seen nothing. He was quite happily retired until Michael showed his head again, now he's trying to appeal to the members of the Strode family living in the old Myers house to get the hell out but patriarch John Strode is having none of it. He runs a realtor business and moved his family in because he couldn't sell the place due to it's history, only it seems he's the only one in his family who knows. You'd think someone would bring this up when they were invited over given how much a of shadow the whole incident leaves hanging over the town. They even went so far as to ban Halloween because of the murders commited by Michael back in 5.

But, yeah, Loomis is aided by a walking stick now, he's grown out his facial hair, his voice is even more wheezy and raspy and the liver spots are running wild on his head. Sadly, this would be Donald Pleasence's last outing as Loomis as he would pass away aged 75 some months before the movie hit theaters. Even when the quality of the films dropped, as in 5, he was a highlight so it's a shame that he wont be in any other going forward. Not that I have too many left at this point.

Michael is busy picking off the various Strode family members, including the asshole father who gets electrocuted so badly that his head explodes like something out of Scanners. Awesome.

Things culminate with the cult getting the baby back and taking it and young Danny into an operating room, again I have no idea what their plan is here, but Michael turns up and slaughters everyone.

Tommy manages to retrieve the baby and uses it to lure Michael into a final showdown, tricking him and allowing himself the chance to stab Michael with syrnges full of chemicals before beating the shit out of him with a pipe. Kind of anti-climatic way to go out considering we've had Michael have his eyes shot out and be set on fire. As everyone goes to leave, Loomis announces that he's staying as he has unfinished business to take care of, with his screams ending the movie, perhaps indicating that Michael has managed to escape once more or perhaps even Michael kills him.

Those screams come from an alternate cut of the movie which, ooh boy, is a whole different story. That one apparently goes way further with the whole Thorn thing, with Michael standing idly by under their control, and it's revealed that the cult made him have sex with his own niece and that's where the baby comes from. What the fuck...

And if being beaten to death with a pipe was bad, in this 'Producer's cut', Tommy performs a ritual that stops Michael dead in his tracks, allowing them to just leave. Then Dr Loomis finds the cult leader under Michael's mask, with Michael having switched clothes and fled. Loomis then finds the mark of the Thorn on his wrist which I guess makes him his new 'ruler' or whatever but I like the idea of the baby dying in a car crash offscreen, breaking the curse and now Loomis is the new Michael. You thought The Shape was lumbering before? Now he's going everywhere with a cane.

All these re-shoots explains the limited screen-time of Dr Loomis, with Donald Pleasance already dead by the time they came about. Feels like there's less Michael on the whole too with the cult playing the bigger role as the villains. Outside of the head exploding, there's nothing too interesting in his kills either. Like, there's one scene where he's ramming a cult members head into some iron bars and then goes so far as to push the head right through, but then the door just falls down and it looks like there's no body there at all. This all leaves you with lots more monotone Tommy Doyle and bland Strode family members.

In a way, it's nice that they tried to do something different with this whole Thorn thing but it's just kind of confusing. Actually, the cult business and taking things back to the sacrifical origins of Halloween puts me in mind of Season of the Witch. I don't know how intentional that was on their part but with how much they like to tie these movies to each other, maybe they did want to show a little love to the black sheep of the family.

Oh well, next year it's Halloween H20. Maybe we're not getting Michael Myers in space but Michael Myers under the sea instead?

[King Ellis]

Day 1

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

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After watching the remake last year, let's go back to the original, a film that apparently outgrossed Nightmare on Elm Street before everyone threw a fit over it tarnishing a fine, respectable holiday and had it pulled.

Holy shit, it's Old Man Peabody! I remember when he owned all the land around here, farmland as far as the eye could see. He had this crazy idea about breeding pine trees.

OK, I didn't think he was that crazy. I didn't even realize this was a thing until just now. Amazing. Since getting the BTTF trilogy on Blu-ray, I do like pausing when newspapers pop up on screen, especially since I guess they figured no one would actually have a chance to read them past the headline and picture so the actual stories themselves descend into repeated nonsense after the first paragraph or two.

But yes, actor Will Hare is taking the role of 'Grandpa' here, the guy who seems unable to move or talk until he unsuspecting grandkid comes to visit, then he's full of beans, raving about the dangers of Christmas Eve. Santa Claus isn't going to ignore those on the naughty list, he's going to punish them.

Turns out ol' Grandpa was right on the money as when Mom, Dad and little Billy and Ricky are on their way home, they run into a crazed man in a Santa outfit who guns Dad down and slits Mom's throat after throwing her down on the road and tearing her top off. Or, as someone on Wikipedia has summarized it: 'Billy's mother who is later killed by the killer Santa by having her throat slit after he tried to make her try to have quality time with him by his thoughtful attacks.' Questionable attempts to re-brand rape aside, I don't know what's so 'thoughtful' about his attack...

Little Billy managed to escape just in time, witnessing the whole thing from a roadside ditch. Unlike some, the demise of his parents didn't drive him on to be a crime fighting vigilante themed around nocturnal, flying mammals, instead leaving him and his baby brother in the care of an orphanage. Seems every Christmas that this otherwise nice little boy gets a little darker.

Probably not going to end up on the fridge anytime soon, that one.

And when he plays Peeping Tom and sees a couple having sex, he gets scolded by Mother Superiror. At least it's lighter than what they got, a belt whipping. Between witnessing an attempted rape on his own Mother and enduring a strict Catholic upbringing, it's no wonder this kid turns into a slasher villain.

But first he has to grow up a little and make his way in the world, one of the Nuns sweet talking a local toy store into giving him a job. But not just any old toy store...

There's a magical place, we're on our way there
With nail bombs in their millions, all under one roof

An unfortunate accident puts the regular Santa out of commission and Billy is put in the costume so as not to disappoint any of the happy little kids. Bad idea.

This, along with seeing one of his co-workers sexually assaulting another, sends him over the edge as he proceeds to slaughter everyone and deal out his own brand of punishment on those who have been bad.

Stiffing me on that overtime last week? Naughty.

Pre-marital sex? Naughty.

Stealing sleds from nerdy kids? VERY NAUGHTY.

You know why this earns my absolute (bell) ringing endorsement though? Because it indulges in what is fast becoming my new favourite trope, doing something to Santa in front of the kids. Now, arresting Santa? That's pretty good. Shooting him? Even better.

Gunning him down in front of orphaned kids? Holy shit, awesome. Just take a moment to appreciate the look of absolute horror on the kid just to the right of Santa.

"My God, It's Father O'Brien! He was our Santa this year!"

"Barnes wanted the guy to stop, Captain. He didn't respond."
"Of course not, he's deaf. He couldn't hear it."

Well, shit. I think Silent Night, Deadly Night just won this trope. There's no topping that.

As for original vs remake? They both have some wonderfully dark comedic moments but I'm torn between the two on different aspects. I think the setup works better here, especially the Grandpa scene which works much better when it's happening to a little boy as opposed to a teenager. Then again, the remake does have the greatness that is Malcolm MacDowell, some more creativity when it comes to the death scenes and the majesty of Santa with a flamethrower.

[King Ellis]

Day 2

The Grinch (2000)

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After seeing them in their brief Muppets appearance, I now witness the Who's in this full length incoherence.

Where KARLOFF once told this story of a Christmas objector, it's now narrated by the former Hannibal Lector.

And whether the reason is real or just schtick, I'm making it known, I hate this flick.

It's not just that Carrey chews on the set, it's the sight of the Who's that makes me sweat.

Their creepy faces, buck teeth and weird nose.

Or Cindy Lou's hair, just look how it grows!

Whilst Whoville is dressed up, decorated with spangles, it's like the whole town was built on an angle.

Since I'm offering up all of these zingers, can I also point out that the towns full of swingers?

Though The Grinch fills the townspeople with fear, Cindy Lou thinks he should be the meister of cheer.

Mayor Maywho thinks not and just like a crook, he makes up a lie from the town's book.

At your heartstrings, Cindy Lou's speech is clutching, but the Grinch and this prize, the Mayor says 'No touching!'

It's here that things get momentarily better, seeing the Grinch dressed up in a lame Christmas sweater.

But flashbacks to some old classroom mocking makes him want to tear down every Who stocking.

I can understand why he hates the Who race when even the teacher laughed in his face.

So the Grinch dresses up in his own Santa suit, St Nick's coat, his hat and his boots.

But I guess Cindy Lou isn't that smart, she can't even tell him and the real Santa apart.

Though this movie has increased her years by a few, her IQ seems to be no more than two.

Old Grinchy poo soon changes his mind, when he sees the Who's still singing in spite of his crime. "Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Yeah, a paycheck for 20 million, right to your door.

And they say the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day, sounds like a serious condition, you should be on your way.

As should I, on this review I'll call time, I've spent much too long butchering rhyme.

[Sousa]

And I said as I brought mistletoe and the wreath in,

"Holy shit, that review's the best possible Ethan."

[King Ellis]

That's good to hear. I feared you in particular would slate it after everyone mocked my rhyming a few years back.

---

Day 3

Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

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It's a nice little way to transition between the Horror movies and the Christmas movies by starting off with something like Silent Night, Deadly Night, but between that and re-watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, I thought I'd left horror behind. I thought I'd left Jamie Lee Curtis behind. But thanks to Sousa, it's back.

Aright, I'm exaggerating but this could easily be one of those re-cut trailers. It's a story of a middle age couple who happen up the idea of just giving Christmas a miss this year in order to go on a luxury cruise instead. I can certainly understand that, kids are all grown up and moved out so there's not really much call for it. And why sit there shivering in the Chicago snow when you can spend the holidays somewhere more tropical? What's with all the movies based in Chicago anyway?

Apparently this is absolutely unacceptable for the local community. The thrifty Luther Krank (Tim Allen) goes so far as to cut off buying a Christmas tree from the local scout troop or a charitable calendar from the local police force and this all leads to the kind of sneers you've seen before and it's not too surprising when the film tries to make out Luther to be a bit of a miser. But you end up completely siding with him when you see just how batshit insane his neighbours become when they find out he has the audacity to be going away on holiday.

Constant prank phone calls demanding he decorate his house.

Amassing outside their house demanding the erection of a festive fibreglass snowman, banging on the door and shouting at Luther's wife, Nora (Curtis) to talk to them, sending her into hysterics. I don't think Curtis ever got this worked up fighting Michael Myers.

Neighbour Vic Frohmeyer (Dan Aykroyd), who sees himself as sort of the ring leader of this street, even goes so far as to chase her as she tries to get away, berating her through her window, nearly getting his fingers chopped off as she raises it up as he's reaching inside.

For a good 40 minutes there were only four words in my mind. 'Who gives a fuck?' Who gives a fuck if your neighbour goes on holiday? How is it any of your goddamn business? This has got you so mad that you're going to harass them around the clock?

They go work on their pre-tans and it's front page bloody news, complete with photo of them in their swimwear. The local paper apparently has nothing better to do than run with this smear campaign. This is the kind of shit usually reserved for child murderers who have moved into the neighbourhood.

If Christmas means so much to this community, if they truly believe in it's message of goodwill to others then are they really living up to that by trying to drag their neighbours good name through the mud? It's not like the Kranks are bad people, admittedly he does it begrudgingly but Luther agrees to go through with his traditional, pretty sizable charitable donation to Church but all he gets is people calling him cheap and selfish for going on this vacation.

What if this was called Christmas with the Koothrappalis? Or Christmas with the Kissingers? "Hanukkah? Doesn't sound like any holiday I ever heard of. We don't take kindly to people who don't immerse themselves in this community, Mr Kissinger."

But when the Kranks get word that their Daughter is actually coming home at the last minute, suddenly they have no choice but to come crawling back and boy does everyone get a kick out of this. You need a tree? The Scouts have one left and sure it has pretty much zero pine needles left on it but that just gives it character, right? It's like Charlie Brown's, give it a nice blanket and it'll look very cute. And ignore that whole $15 price tag we have there, it's $75 now. Yeah, demand just skyrocketed, you all saw it.

You know what? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you, buddy. I actually took a little break from the film there because I was finding all this hard to stomach.

Meanwhile, Nora is off doing the food shopping, in particular for a ham that is her daughters favourite. I was expecting the usual cliche of a massive ham with slices of pineapple on it and about 20 coats of glaze but no, it's just this tin. I know what kind of meat comes in a tin, that's freaking Spam. I thought maybe I was just unfamiliar with this American product and that maybe it could have been something else but no, Luther even brings it up later on, it's just gelatin and pressed abattoir sweepings. I mean, I don't mind Spam or other such products myself but I just have a hard time imaging this thing being sold out and her having to pay through the nose to get the last one on the shelf.

I suppose it's nice that everyone does come around and help out at the 11th hour but it's in spite of how they feel about the parents, this is purely about giving the daughter something nice since she did such a good job babysitting their kids over the years. What a bunch of assholes.

I think this movie missed a trick when they had Luther go up on the roof to put the snowman up. It's a great big, bulky thing so he has to use a rope to pull it up and the knot is pretty suggestive. I was expecting everyone would see this, think he's finally come around and would be about to forgive him until it falls down and they see it hanging from a noose. That might have been funny but no, it just falls off, smashes and then Luther follows soon after and nearly breaks his neck. Given everything that happens in this movie, I think he's telling the truth when he tells his wife that it was a suicide attempt.

[Sousa]

I am so, so sorry.

[King Ellis]

Day 4

Jingle all the Way 2 (2014)

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As is fast becoming tradition around these parts, it's time to check in with WWE Studios to see what they've been working on for this Christmas season; Jingle all the Way 2. Unlike Christmas Bounty that got it's premiere on TV, this is a 'straight to DVD' affair starring not actually Italian WWE superstar Santino Marella and not actually a cable company employee Larry the Cable Guy. In fact, in an appearance on Monday Night RAW to help promote the movie, Larry said 'it picks up right where the first one left off, in the DVD aisle'.

But why a sequel to Jingle all the Way? I guess it must have come cheap for something that has some scrap of name value but, despite finding it to be fun myself, it's not like it won much acclaim or was much of a money spinner. And even though Arnie has caught the acting bug again following his stint in politics, he's not here to reprise his role. Neither is the annoying Sinbad, the probably too traumatized to ever act again Jake Lloyd or the sadly departed Phil Hartman. So what we're left with is a re-hash of the core story of a dad going to the ends of the Earth to get their kid what they want for Christmas.

As much collective eye rolling the internet did when they heard Larry would be showing his face on RAW, I didn't mind him then and here he comes off as a pretty nice guy. For as much as the first movie wanted to make out Arnie to be the bad guy for never making time for his son, Larry is working a part-time schedule so he can be with his daughter, going ice skating, playing hockey and even seeing her catch her first fish, which is one more than he ever managed. It's this good parenting that drives the plot, Larry's ex wife's new husband is a bit on the rich side, with a huge house and his own personal chef. How can Larry compete with that? Ah, but how can the step-dad compete with this down-to-earth, loveable guy? So the two are spurred on by their jelaousy of one another but even then, Larry is pretty accommodating about the whole shared custody thing and isn't causing the kind of trouble you're used to when this kind of story comes up. Not that he doesn't have the odd blip...

Like reading his little girls letter to Santa. The US Postal Service recognises Kris Kringle so you are breaking the law by opening his mail, Larry. His daughters handwriting leaves him a little flummoxed so it's off to the local toy store to see if they have any ideas.

Luckily they do, in the shape of Harrison the talking bear whose one selling point is that it repeats the kid's name. I guess the Furby never managed to do that, despite what the NSA thought. I'd suggest that this was some crafty work on the part of the salesman but I suppose 'hera sone' isn't that much of a stretch. Plus I can forgive him a lot given the stuff he has to go through in this job, not least the way he opens every greeting by wishing people a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, pretty much every festive holiday you can think of right through to the Winter Solstice. It's political correctness gone mad! Unfortunately for Larry, this thing is this years Tickle Me Elmo and they're as rare as rocking horse shit so he's out of luck.

It doesn't help that someone is going around and buying every last bit of stock from every store in town. It's not some unscrupulous eBay seller trying to price gouge but one of the step-dads employees on a mission to make sure Larry never gets a bear and thus breaks the heart of his little angel. Mwahahaha!

Thus leading Larry to engage in all matter of hi-jinx in order to get his paws on the toy including roping Santino into joining him in a bucking reindeer contest. Twice the bodies mean twice the chances! Unfortunately, Santino manages only one second on it. Poor guy, it's like the Royal Rumble in 2009 all over again. He wasn't ready!

This all culminates in Larry reaching his lowest ebb by dressing as Worzel Gummidge and infiltrate a charity event where Santa is handing out toys to underprivileged girls and boys. For shame, Larry.

Continuing our look at odd media practices, it seems that the local news here thinks nothing of providing blanket coverage of the release of the bear and the sudden stock shortages. Talk about free advertising.

But at least the movie has the sense to try and cover it's own back in the face of some emerging plot holes. Like, the internet wasn't what it is today back in the mid 90's so of course Arnie had to go all over looking for a Turbo Man but why can't Larry just do some online shopping? "Earliest they can get it here is the 26th, I need it on Christmas Day!" Okay, I don't believe that to be true at least you're acknowledging this. And the press even manage to use this apparent slow news day to make note of witnesses reporting the same one man buying up stock all over town and find the same company credit card and signature for all them.

He promptly throws his boss under the bus, claiming he was just following orders. You'll never work in this town again, buddy.

And even when Larry figures everything out and confronts the step-dad, he finds it in his heart to forgive him and help him out in the face of a crowd of people baying for his blood at the local Christmas light switch on. Despite what you may have heard, this wasn't some elaborate scam, it was just the Baxter Box company buying up entire shipments of this toy so that everyone in attendance could get one for free! Merry Christmas from the Baxter Box company!

As Ubisoft's recent peace offering of free DLC and games in light of the shoddy Assassin's Creed Unity has taught us, offer people some free shit and they'll pretty much forget about any past transgressions.

But what about the daughter in all of this? Is her Christmas present not made less special by getting it before the big day? Not having it all wrapped up and opening it in front of the tree with her family? Why, she never even wanted a Harrison in the first place. You were just reading her letter wrong.

Booooooooooooooo!

And as for Santino? He's so anonymous that you could be forgiven for forgetting he's even in the damn thing. He might pop up occasionally to lend a hand to Larry, rigging up some lights or shovel some snow, maybe some words of encouragement in his quest for the elusive toy but he's just as quickly gone again. I can't quite place his accent but at least it's not the broken Italian English that he's been doing for the past seven years or so.

Aside from serving to dispel some of the more negative apprehensions I had about Larry the Cable Guy going into this movie, there's not really much to take away from this. It's nice to see the dad here in a loving relationship with his family after the way Arnie was demonized in the predecessor but I don't think anything here hits the same high notes of the first movie. With such over the top moments as Arnie punching out a reindeer and supporting characters like the sleazy Hartman or the crooked Jim Belushi, Jingle all the Way had a 'so bad it's good quality' too it whereas 2 is just the kind of inoffensive, mediocre affair one might expect from a sequel very few people asked for from a nearly 20 year old film.

Actually, there would be one other thing if they actually rushed Larry the talking bear into production. I mean, he's already got his face slapped on both human and pet food, might as well do a line of toys for the kiddies too. C'mon, toy companies of the world, Git-R-Done!

[King Ellis]

Day 5

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

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AKA the other festive movie that got advertised on RAW. Or, I assume it did. I can't even remember if they talked about it. Or maybe I just blocked it from my mind. Anyway, I wonder if mentioning this movie on Twitter will entice the fake Grumpy Cats into following me again like they did the other week apropos of nothing. One was named Gurmpy Cat or something. They then unfollowed me a day later, presumably in a passive aggressive manner because I didn't follow them back. "Oh, you aren't going to follow me? Well up yours, buddy."

And before you start, yes, this is a real movie. No, I haven't gone insane. Or, if I have, Sousa and GoGo have developed the same psychosis so those are two good guys to go mental with. Sup, fellow Grumpy imagineers?

As for the movie itself, it kinda feels entirely redundant to poke fun at it when it spends most of it's time doing it itself. When you add in all the fourth wall breaking and being incredibly meta, it's a miracle there's any time left to tell a story. It's like trying to mock Sharknado or something. The movie's called Sharknado, anything you might say is just beating a dead horse at that point.

Maybe I'll change tact and condemn it for it's cruelty towards animals. The ongoing exploration of this poor cat is disgraceful. We moved away from 'freak shows' with humans but I guess we can point at laugh at the cats just fine. This thing has a genetic mutation, damnit!

I mean, look at it, laying there in it's bed for the majority of the movie, so straining. And I bet they sedated it by shoving pills in it's tuna. Then you have all these strange people coming around and picking it up? Poor thing must have been through hell.

Aubrey Plaza seems to have swung a sweet gig voicing her though. If it weren't for the occasional gags calling for a British or Australian accent, she wouldn't even have to change from being unenthused. It's probably not often you get to paid to call your own movie awful and insult the intelligence of those watching it.

If you're asking what sort of plot being an internet meme can create, it nearly hits close to home when they have the owner of a pet store in danger of being closed due to it's debts pick up Ms Cat and outline his plans to create the most viral cat ever. Cafepress money! But no, that's just a gag. The real money making scheme is selling a well bred dog for $1m (Dr Evil moment). Because little pet shops at the mall are the best place to get something that's gonna turn up at Crufts or the Westminster Dog Show.

And who better to steal it than a pair of glam rockers out to finance their own tour bus?

The world's most depressed 12 year old girl gets dragged into things when she wishes for a friend and gets stuck with being able to hear the cat complain about everything. When she goes back one night to talk to it again, she discovers the two crooks breaking into the pet store and we go through all sorts of craziness as she tries to stop them.

Liiiiiiiike...Grumpy Cat is driving car?!?! How can that be?!?!

At least the kid's mother finally finds out she's been missing all this time and races down to the mall just as managed to fix everything herself. She's obviously very concerned about her daughter, being out late unescorted is one thing but trying to foil a bunch of burglars too? And what if they weren't just burglars? Oh God! "Those guys didn't...do...anything to you, did they?" "That's a different Lifetime movie." Grumpy Cat explains. Woooooooow.

I'm just not sure what to say about this thing. It's just so odd. Just the idea of turning a meme into a movie is weird enough but then you've got this thing riffing away at it's own movie and now it's poking fun at After School Specials?

I know I shouldn't be surprised that this thing is a movie given that it seems anything can get it's own movie, cartoon, TV show, video game, comic, cereal or whatever the fuck. I guess that stretches to internet memes now but when you've got a potential money spinner in a cat that's apparently earned it's own $100m, if you choose to believe those figures which her owner has disputed, then why not? Hell, slap on Christmas and you even get an idiot like me to watch.

Man, I remember when I had some good stuff in these 12 days. Nightmare Before Christmas, Home Alone, Gremlins, It's a Wonderful Life...now I'm just reduced to watching terrifying remakes, bizarre sequels and whatever the hell this movie is meant to be. Actually, maybe this quote from the movie might best describe it:

"It's a soul sucking bastion of consumerism, which serves to drain people's bank accounts and alienate them of the true meaning of life."

This really is the #WorstChristmasEver.

[King Ellis]

Day 6

Lethal Weapon (1987)

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That stupid cat was the last straw. It's time to cleanse myself of that with a real man's movie, ya know? One with renegade cops, bad guys, guns, explosions...but I already watched Die Hard so where am I to get my fill? That's where Mr Gibson and Mr Glover come in.

Admittedly, the Christmas links here are even more tenuous than in Die Hard but it seems hard to argue when things open to the tune of Bobby Helm's Jingle Bell Rock.

Before things take a turn for the worst when a prostitute ends it all by diving out of a window, caving in the roof of a car as she lands. Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's a good job Tor is here because the gratuitous nudity during the start of the movie is just off the charts. Whilst the prostitute is more of a slip, we're treated to Danny Glover in the bath...

And the chiseled man ass of Mel Gibson as he rolls out of bed.

Being set in L.A, the chances of a White Christmas are slim given the cities record snowfall was a whopping 2 inches way back in 1932, that's not to say there isn't a lot of snow in this movie.

It's just that it all comes in packets and ends up Mel Gibson's nose. But hey, at least this shady drug deal takes place not in some abandoned warehouse or secluded back alley, it's right out in the open air in the middle of a Christmas tree lot. The dealers are even so kind as to throw one in for free! What nice chaps.

But when he pulls a badge, the deal turns sour and he guns his way out before backup arrives to help round up the stragglers. One of them manages to jump him though and puts a gun to his head, where Riggs oddly alternates between telling the gunman to shoot him and telling his colleagues to shoot the guy.

Turns out he is suicidal over the recent loss of his wife to a road traffic accident, prompting him to put a gun in his mouth whilst watching a festive Looney Tunes special. Between this, the first suicide and the later incident with a potential roof jumper, this really runs with the idea of the sharp increase in depression and suicides around the holidays, even if Snopes is telling me that's not strictly true.

This leads to the Police Department struggling to come to a conclusion on whether he's for real or just bullshitting to get early retirement. They stick him with Roger "I'm too old for this shit" Murtaugh who

comes to learn that he's very much for real.

There's some familiar faces on show here with Halloween alumni Tom Atkins and Mitchell Ryan embroiled in heroin trafficking. This isn't some small time operation either, they've got ex-Special Forces on board as mercenaries, like Gary Busey's 'Joshua'.

Now, the first time you're introduced to Joshua, you see him letting his boss burn his arm with a lighter just to show that his men aren't fucking around. But even then, I think Gibson way out crazies even Busey so that's something.

With Riggs having a similar military background, there's a running rivalry with these two as Joshua tortures Riggs in order to find out what the cops know about their operation, one of his goons using electric shocks but they're in for a long night because Riggs don't know shit. It's not that easy to capture the torture in a still-frame, just looks like they're washing Riggs with a luffa here.

Things culminate with the two of them wrestling in the mud because nothing's more manly than hand to hand combat. Kinda hard to see at times given how dark it is, plus they're rolling around in rain and mud. Not exactly the usual method of Policing either as they have tens of cops there to arrest the guy but Murtaugh tells them to let the fight continue.

Leathal Weapon is certainly more wild and intense than Die Hard but I can't see this replacing it as my go to Christmas action movie. They are very different though, with the focus here more on the relationship between Riggs and Murtaugh and how Riggs is brought back from the brink. The villains seem like an afterthought, whereas Gruber and friends are very much at the forefront of Die Hard and it's a lot of fun seeing their plan unfold and in the back and forth between them and McClane.

Plus, it's not like they ever machine gunned a TV because it was playing Alastair Sim's turn as Ebeneezer Scrooge.

[MalaCloudy Black]

Oh my god now I have to see the Grumpy Cat movie.

[King Ellis]

Day 7

Reindeer Games (2000)

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I really wish people would stop falling on top of cars...

But that's just a flash forward to something interesting, a vague promise that things might get exciting eventually, just stick with us through all this setup.

Ben Affleck stars as Rudy Duncan, a car thief waiting out his last few days in prison alongside his cellmate, Nick, who's in for manslaughter, an act he committed in defense of his girlfriend who was being hassled in a bar.

As if the uninspired salad of some shredded lettuce wasn't bad enough, it seems someone spiked the Jello pudding with cockroaches. I know this is prison but you've got to show some pride in your work, drizzle some balsamic vinegar on that shit, sprinkle some pine nuts, something! Still, I suppose this isn't the first time a cockroach has been associated with Jello. The disgusting meal leads to a food fight cum riot which another con who has it in for Rudy sees as the perfect time to exact some revenge and pulls a knife, only for Nick to end getting shived instead.

On the day of his release, Rudy sees a woman, Ashley (Charlize Theron), amongst the crowd waiting for their relatives who is left all alone as everyone slowly pairs off but her. She's been writing back and forth with Nick and, rather than break the bad news to her that he's pushing up daisies, he figures he might as well take his place. For the holidays at least, maybe wait till New Years to come clean and then he can move on with his life.

But uh-oh, her brother Gabriel tracks them down and rather than being the other protective brother, he's actually rather interested in 'Nick' for a different reason. Nick used to work security at a casino and Gabriel figures he'll be able to get all sorts of useful info out of him so that he can rob the place. But Rudy isn't Nick, honest! He just took his place so he could fuck this girl! Yeah, tell the guy with the shotgun pointed at you that you're not really interested in her, you're just lying to her to get in her underwear. That'll help.

So if you're not the guy they're looking for, and you're a bit of an asshole for that whole sister thing, there's no reason they can't just kill you since you're of no use to them. "Well, now that you mention it, maybe I am that guy!" And it keeps up this way throughout the movie, him explicitly telling them he's not the guy they want and them just keeping him around. It makes sense, I guess, because they're meant to be opportunistic and this is going to be their first robbery so maybe they're a bit stupid and easily manipulated by Rudy's improvised stories.

I mean, the guy is pretty smart. After all, he can 'hot wire' a hotel door lock with nothing more than a knife. A little Googling tells me that such things are quite vulnerable thanks to a little computer programming and a few off-the-shelf components small enough to be crammed into the shell of a permanent marker, quite scary really if you're a frequent traveler, but I'm calling bullshit on doing it by jamming a knife into an exposed circuit board.

All the other goons might be dumb but Danny Trejo? This guy knows his shit. Like, did you know that the retail industry does fifty percent of it's business between the dates of December 1st and December 24th? That's half a years business in one months time. Seems an intelligent country would legislate a second gift giving holiday around late May, early June to further stimulate growth. Christmas 2: Electric Boogaloo. If Joe Biden or Hilary Clinton are looking to make it to the White House in 2016, this needs to be top of their policy list. That and getting rid of all the Mexi...

Now, I know I have no good reason to point out Charlize Theron going topless but if being so gratuitous is good enough for the filmmakers, it's good enough for me.

At least that's one highlight of the movie, alongside the actual robbery itself, purely because it's a lot of twisted fun to see a bunch of Santas go in and start shooting up the place.

Even if their whole plan runs far from smoothly after 'Nick' and his expert directions point them straight into the janitors closet.

Some of it was true though, like the 'Powwow' safe which was said to hold thousands, perhaps millions of dollars that the manager was siphoning away from the Indian's who owned the place. Only, what was actually in there was a pair of guns which Dennis Farina as 'Jack Bangs' uses to fight back. I'd forgotten he passed away last year. Shame.

The casino scene helps liven things up and Gary Sinise has the look of a villain but this is an otherwise dull movie chock full of flip flopping characters and plot twists, enough to leave your head spinning. Even the Christmas stuff was made pretty irrelevant at the time given they had to push back the films release till February of 2000.

The ending is pretty stupid too. This ex-con, fresh off the back of deceiving his way into bed and killing a handful of people, is now filled with the spirit of the holidays and is depositing bundles of cash into the letterboxes of people in his hometown. Guess we can't have the audience going home thinking a crook won though, can we? Gotta make it look like he's redeemed himself somehow even when he hasn't.