King Ellis' Christmas Movie Thing

[Monkey D. Lars]

Ellis, you should watch: Ellis Sweet Ellis.

I mean, Alice Sweet Alice!

[Hajjhowe]

Jacob's Ladder is a very well recieved horror movie if you want a suggestion.

[King Ellis]

Day 3

The Blob (1958)

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Now isn't that a much nicer intro than rolling footage of genocide?

Before he was trying to jump into Switzerland on his motorbike and sidecar, Steve McQueen was taking on his first leading role as Steve Andrews, a young man trying to show his best gal a good time when they run into an old timer hollering about his hand.

Evidently it got stuck in a jam jar.

After The Blob wipes out the old man, the doctor and a nurse, Steve tries to get help but is naturally met with some skepticism. Not least from Sgt. Bert who apparently has it in for 'the kids'. All those mid 20's looking kids...

Steve rounds up his pals to go look for the monster, having to pull them out of a midnight screening of 'Daughter of Horror' which seems to be better known as 'Dementia'.

Oh come on, it can't be that bad!

Actually, all these scenes of people fleeing the movie theater are kind of odd as everyone seems to be smiling. I imagine it would be fun to be an extra in a movie and get to run around screaming your head off but it's not doing much to sell the panic of the situation.

Some of the effects on display throughout can be a bit cheesy, especially as The Blob envelopes a diner, trapping Steve, his girlfriend, her brother and the diner's owners inside. It's like they just poured some goo over a picture.

Though I kinda like this external shot, almost looks like a painting.

I also love how the finale goes from this somber tone of acceptance that there's nothing they can do to fight off this gloop, to everyone frantically rushing around trying to find fire extinguishers to exploit it's weakness to cold, ending with a surprisingly easy arrangement of having the military flying in to pick it up and parachute it down into the Arctic so that it never thaws out. Man, it was a tough enough job convincing a few local cops that this thing existed, how did you manage to swing getting the military involved? At least The Blob problem has been solved now.

Or has it?!

[Maxx]

Yes, it was Dreamcatcher! God that movie is terrible. Seriously though, Clownhouse!

[King Ellis]

Day 4

Candyman (1992)

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Since we've gone 3 days without one, it's time for tenuous personal story relating to the movie time! This one time when we were on holiday when I was but a young lad, I was hanging out with some other kids and one of them got to talking about this movie they'd seen called 'Candyman', a slasher villain with a hook for a hand that will come and gut anyone that says his name three times into a mirror. And it's from the same mind that brought us Hellraiser, Clive Barker. Actually, to go slightly off topic, I did love this quote from him regarding the latest Hellraiser which is apparently nothing more than a thrown together movie made purely as a means to protect the producers rights to the franchise:

"I have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker,it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole."

Sorry, I think I need to correct myself. I'm receiving word that the total of times you need to say 'Candyman' I've listed is wrong.

Apparently three ain't enough, man, he's needs five!

Don't blame me, blame the ruthless efficiency of Beetlejuice. That guy doesn't leave you hanging around saying his name two extra times, he's a busy man.

On reflection, it seems like quite an apt way to learn about the movie since it deals in the ideas of folklore and urban legends. Not only borrowing from the 'Bloody Mary' story but you have characters talking about things like pet alligators living in the sewers after being flushed down the toilet by owners that can't handle their growth.

The story of The Candyman is a very grizzly one indeed, the son of a slave who grew to be quite the gifted artist, commissioned to paint the portrait of the daughter of a wealthy landowner. She proved to be his downfall though as the two fell in love and she became pregnant, enraging the father who paid off some goons to take care of him. It's bad enough that they took a rusty saw and cut off his hand, not only disfiguring him permanently but also taking away his talent, but they would go so far as to slather him in honeycomb and let loose a swarm of angry bees that stung him to death.

Helen and her colleague Bernadette, researching urban legends at the local university, look into some killings at notorious housing project that people have linked to Candyman. This transpires to be just some random hoodlum out to make a name for himself by taking on the guise of Candyman, hook and all. Whilst killing a few women would be one thing, we also hear a tale of how he kills a young boy by castrating him in the toilets. That is seriously fucked up. It isn't until a white woman gets attacked though that the cops bother to do anything and quickly find their man.

However, with 'Candyman' being outed as just some thug, the real McCoy has to make his presence felt so that his legend might inspire fear once more and he has Helen in his sights. His stump always looks so moist and fresh, you'd think it'd dry off and scab over or something eventually. If it wasn't for that stump though, he wouldn't be a bad looking guy. That and he has a deep, rich voice that would probably make your knees weak and your front bottom wet.

Rather than just kill her outright, he implicates her in the murder of her best friend and the abduction of a baby which lands her in the mental hospital. After summoning Candyman again to prove how real he is, she makes her escape but finds her husband in the arms of one of his students. With nothing left, she has to give in to the Candyman's overtures when he promises to free the baby if she gives herself to him.

Maybe he isn't quite the hunk he appears to be though, as lurking under his fur coat are BEES! You've heard of the beard of bees? Well, this is the torso of bees! You might scoff but I honestly don't see what's so undignified about revering the bee. Seriously, I actually looked this up, the most deaths of humans caused by animals in the United States are caused by bees!

Turns out he's a lousy double crosser who always planned for them all to burn in each others arms in a huge bonfire that was being planned at the projects. However, Helen stakes him with some loose lumber and manages to fight through the flames to free the baby before succumbing to her injuries.

At her funeral, it appears the residents of the projects arrive to pay their respects, with one boy throwing the charred hook of The Candyman into her grave.

And as her husband repeats her name in the mirror out of grief, she returns as 'The Candywoman' and takes his life. Now, granted, all signs point to the fact that he was cheating on her but he was otherwise pretty supportive. He stands by her when she's suspected of cutting a dog's head off, attacking a woman and abducting her baby and does so again to a point when he arrives home to find her brandishing a bloody knife near the dead body of her friend. Yet, she acts like he just abandoning her to her fate, to be locked away forever in an insane asylum. When your only defense is pretty much that 'a ghost did it', then it shouldn't be surprising that he doesn't want anything to do with you.

It's probably not meant to be but the ending feels a little ambiguous to me. Like, the people started the fire as they suspected Candyman to be inside, with no reason to suspect Helen to be there and they to help her when she crawls out. Burying the hook I suppose can be seen as some sort of closure to the whole ordeal. But Candyman also talks about how the people that believe in him are his 'congregation', he did intend to burn himself in the fire alongside Helen and he is shown to be pretty persuasive. Them burying her with the hook perhaps gives her the means to continue the Candyman legacy? When you've got people throughout the film being tight lipped about things and this origin story being tied to such a brutal racial story, maybe it's not so much indoctrination and more just black people being suspicious when authoritative looking white people come around asking too many questions.

[King Ellis]

Day 5

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue (2009)

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As is tradition around these parts, it's time for a day off of sorts from the ol' movies by partaking in a documentary. Now, normally I wouldn't trot one of these out after only a few days but I have my reasons, mainly the fact that this thing has been occupying close to 7gb of space on my Xbox 360's hard drive for a number of years now.

See, in what I assumed was a temporary promotion, this movie was given out for free over Xbox Live and being the budding horror follower that I am, I duly downloaded it but never actually got around to watching it. As time passed, thoughts did occasionally cross my mind as to whether or not it would actually work anymore, what with all the DRM we have no ideas maybe they had one in place where you had to start watching it within a month or something. But as I sat down to watch it today, I found it working just fine and with a little Googling, I find that the promotion is still on so if you're still rocking a 360, maybe you can download it yourself.

Based on the book of the same name, Nightmares explores how horror movies have reflected the people and culture of the United States at the time. From the disfigured beings portrayed by Lon Chaney in the 1920's mirroring the the soldiers returning home from the great War sans limbs, through the threat of atomic attacks in the 1950's leading to all manner of fantastical creatures from beneath the waves, the deepest reaches of outer space or science experiments gone awry, culminating in a post 9/11 age where fear has gripped the populace and xenophobia starts to creep in.

My problem with this though is that with covering such a broad timescale, there's very little time for them to ever really focus on anything in depth. Movies might get a few lines and then, bam, we're onto something else. There's some notable talking heads here like Joe Dante, George A. Romero and John Carpenter and there are some interesting points being made, like how Jason Voorhees might have been railed against by parents for being too violent, but he almost represents something of a biblical message by offing these kids dabbling in drugs and pre-marital sex. Or how these film makers are actually very much anti-war and the like.

And of course how a few of them really seem to hate Ronald Reagan. Apparently there's not a world of difference between Reagan and Nightmare on Elm Street figurehead Freddy Krueger. Two highly charismatic figures, icons of the 80's, both epitomizing 'The Sins of the Father'. Krueger slashed the faces of the kids of those who wronged him previously, whereas Reagan just slashed taxes of the mega rich and left future generations in debt that had risen to $3b. World life, this is basic Reaganomics! I'm sure he'd prefer his Back to the Future name drop to this comparison.

Whereas something like Mark Gatiss's Horror documentaries I have talked about previously would lead me to seeking out particular films they had covered thanks to how deeply they covered them, the people involved in their production, visits to sets etc, here the brief nature of the clips they show don't really leave you much to go on and there's only one or two that have interested me. Deathdream, for example, they talk about during a section on the Vietnam war and shows a soldier coming back home despite his parents only just receiving a telegram telling them that he was killed in action so that has me curious as to how that plays out.

Watching Horror Europa last year was almost a movie in and of itself with it's production and tone but maybe this is too but moreso in the mold of a modern day gore-fest with it's unrelenting chatter and barrage of movie clips.

[King Ellis]

Day 6

See No Evil (2006)

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Because the, what, 3 or 4 wrestling references so far weren't good enough, let's just go straight for a WWE Studios production. I watched Miz's Christmas Bounty last year but now I'm delving a little further back for See No Evil, the answer to the grand mystery of MAY 19TH! Not one half of a prequel to the Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder movie, this was WWE's first movie flying solo after piggy backing on three movies starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. Who better to star in a horror picture than someone who they'd portrayed pretty much as a horror villain for a decade up to that point:

Kane!

He does look like he'd make quite a believable monster, just so long as you don't go and ruin the illusion by watching one of his economics lectures. Or read some of the working titles for this film. Eye Scream Man?!

Our story begins with two cops investigating a disturbance, finding a distraught woman who has had her eyes torn out. One of the cops gets savagely murdered by an axe wielding fiend before the killer turns his attention to the more senior of the pair. His arm gets chopped off but he's able to fire off his handgun and send the killer reeling. Help eventually arrives and both he and the female are taken for medical help.

Now, I'm no expert on film-making techniques but isn't this an example of a Dutch Mantel Angle?

4 years later and that same cop, Frank Williams, has taken up a new post at some kind of youth detention center. They might be a bunch of troublemakers but he's going to take them in prosthetic hand. He's teaming up with his equivalent from a female prison to take some of their inmates on a coed outing that will see them do some community service work in return for a month off their sentences.

They arrive at the Blackwell Hotel and meet Margaret who explains to them how this used to be the personal hotel of an extravagant playboy, hosting parties for his friends before they were all killed when a fire broke out amongst the upper levels. The group she works with plan to renovate the hotel and re-open it as a shelter for the homeless.

Despite being warned that various areas are off limits due to the fire damage never being fixed, our young delinquents are eager to explore, either to go get high or to investigate rumours of a hidden safe belonging to the previous owner.

Unfortunately for them, all they find is Jacob Goodnight. Clearly he has been watching Candyman too as his weapon of choice is a hook attached to a chain. From there, it's a rather predictable tale of him picking everyone off one by one and plucking their eyeballs out. And for that reason, this one actually gains a few points for me because anything to do with eyes just makes my skin crawl and this one is full of it. Eye stabbing, eye gouging...*shudders*

Of course, some of them he's happy to just claim the assist on. Take Melissa for example, keen on animal rights. That is until she's left hanging over a pool of her own blood to which a stray dog takes a liking and calls in all his friends to come join the party. This is why animals can't be trusted. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

We are treated to the odd flashback or two of Jacob's upbringing, locked away in a cage being ranted at by a female figure off-screen, raving about sin, the Devil and other such things.

Which leads to a plot twist that even Stevie Wonder could see coming from a mile away...

Margaret is his mother!

What better place to do God's work than in a house of sin and debauchery? Her plan worked perfectly, getting her revenge on the cop that shot her boy and all these deviants are just a bonus.

Jacob has developed something of a thing for religious tattoos, choosing to keep one of the girls that has some captive rather than kill her. When his mother sees this and his reluctance to kill her, she grabs a gun and goes to finish the job herself. Jacob gets another flashback to the childhood abuse and finally snaps, throwing his mother into some exposed metalwork, impaling her on the wall.

Everything culminates in some of the last remaining youths knocking him out of a window to which he clings onto and tries to climb back in, receiving a lead pipe to the eye for his trouble before plummeting several stories through a glass roof to his grizzly death. You see what I mean about the eyes?!

And to add insult to injury, the credits are interrupted us to bring us an epitaph to Jacob's tale: a dog urinating in his eye-socket. Lovely.

You can't really fault Kane here when his only job is to look menacing and occasionally grunt or scream out in pain. It might seem odd for WWE to shoehorn in some of their talent into acting roles despite all the transferable skills they might have, but on this occasion it's fine. I kept expecting him to chokeslam someone since he has them in the goozle all the time but he never follows through with it, unless you count slamming someone into the ceiling of a lift.

He must have done something right though as unlike some of the more recent WWE films that seem to only release in about 5 theaters and make pocket change, this one reportedly made $18m from an $8m budget so that's not too shabby. And hey, it's even getting a sequel which will be out in a few weeks! Starring Halloween alumni Danielle Harris and directed by The Soska Sisters, notable for their film 'Dead Hooker in a Trunk'. I can only assume that film delivers on what it promises.

[King Ellis]

Day 7

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

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Though I had it on my list of things to watch beforehand, Nightmares in Red, White and Blue was another reminder that Freddy Krueger was one of the big horror franchise icons that I hadn't paid any attention to yet. I've seen Jason Voorhees, I've seen plenty of Michael Myers but no Freddy. Well, I had at one point planned to pick up the blu-ray set of the various movies and TV show after seeing it pop up a few times for only £15 but then I came to realise, would I really care past the first one? I've not really had any urge to see more Friday the 13th and you could argue that my continued watching of the Halloween franchise is merely down the gimmick of watching Halloween on Halloween. So, screw it, A Nightmare on Elm Street!

Things start out with Freddy forging his signature bladed glove which is pretty interesting to see, even if it is set to the soundtrack of him breathing heavily. Other than making space to put a few credits in, I have no idea why they shrunk this portion down to this small window.

When a bunch of kids starting having the same bad dream, they all head over to Tina's house to comfort her, including Johnny Depp making his big screen debut. I didn't even realise it was him until the credits started rolling.

Tough guy Rod has his own special way of comforting her but, as slasher movies have taught us, promiscuity leads to a very sudden and bloody death. Freddy makes his way into Tina's dream and cuts her to shreds, leaving Rod looking on in the real world as she's sliced and tossed around the room.

Tina's friend Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (Depp's character), slowly begin to realise the dangers of falling asleep, with Freddy nearly drowning Nancy whilst she's in the bath. Normally it's Freddy Got Fingered but it seems to be the other way here...

The couple are unable to help the incarcerated Rod as Freddy makes his way into his cell and hangs him with his bedsheets. At Rod's funeral, Nancy tells her parents of the creepy guy from her dreams, with his red and green sweater and dirty hat, leading to a few alarmed glances between her mum and dad.

Nancy's mother carts her off to a sleep clinic where her dreams will be monitored. It's in there that Nancy manages to snatch the hat from Freddy's head before she's awoken, finding it still in her possession when she does. She manages to get the truth out of her mother, how Fred Krueger ran amok killing 20 kids but got off on a technicality. This led to a bunch of the parents forming a vigilante mob, tracking him down to his hiding place and burning the place down with him inside. She even kept his glove as a memento of that special occasion! And I suppose you've got the ashes on the mantle piece too?

Stirring up these old memories have seemingly sent her a little loopy as she hits the bottle and installs bars over all the windows. I guess she must have been that way ever since the incident though as we see her retrieving hidden bottles so it seems to be a long term problem.

After downing what seems to be the world's supply of coffee and Pro Plus, Nancy and Glen are approaching seven days without sleep but Glen finally slips up and is duly slaughtered. With her boyfriend dead and no one willing to believe or help her, Nancy decides to take the fight to Freddy by dragging him back into the real world and leading him into a series of Home Alone style booby traps. Sure does make him look like a goofball as he's being smacked around and set alight.

But Nancy learns the true way to defeat him is to take away his power by just ignoring him. Lame!

Or does she? Surprise ending! Turns out it was just a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream (BWOMP!) as the kids are all alive again and get trapped in a car with a soft-top that matches Freddy's sweater. Or maybe it wasn't him, maybe Christine is acting up again.

And then Freddy finishes things off by pulling a doll through a window.

I hear Freddy is supposed to bring some humour into the proceedings as the series progresses so maybe that helps fight the staleness but things are played pretty straight here, aside from him falling down stairs and his goofy Stretch Armstrong arms during one scene. I'd say the whole dream aspect is a neat idea as it can add to the suspense, never knowing when someone might be dreaming and when Freddy might show up but it seems like it's always pretty obvious when it's a dream since you'll have dead bodies come to life or just straight up have Freddy taunting someone. And I feel the whole 'dark secret' of the parents should have been more than it was. It's just established and then explained within about 10 minutes halfway through, maybe if there'd been more hushed talked between other parents it could have made me suspicious of some kind of ulterior motive. Still, at least it gives Freddy an interesting backstory and motive outside of just 'kill those frisky kids' even if they still lean heavily on that particular trope.

[Monkey D. Lars]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBtrUqZSlw4

[King Ellis]

Day 8

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

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On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes....on a plane.

The captain can't explain why there's snakes on a plane, mostly because he's dead. But don't worry, his co-pilot Champ Kind is here. Just so long as he can tear his eyes off those delicious stewardesses. Hey honey, how about I bring you some nuts? WHAMMY! The particular stewardess he's hitting on here is Claire who only has one more flight left til retirement, I mean, til she goes off to be a lawyer. Welp, that's you screwed.

It's the movie that Samuel L. Jackson insisted on being a part of and one that gave birth a thousand and one memes. It even played a part, in a roundabout way, in one of our very own hall of fame topics (We even get so very close to Skummy's prediction of 'Snakes on Cocaine' but end up with 'Snakes on Crack' instead). Anticipation online was so feverish that the studio actually scheduled some reshoots to try and reshape the film more in line with fan expectations. But all that hype didn't exactly turn out to be the money train that the studio was hoping for so maybe that nerd dollar isn't so dependable, something Scott Pilgrim learned some years later.

Surfer Sean Jones is witness to the savage killing of U.S Prosecutor Daniel Hayes and is about to be snuffed out by hitmen when FBI Agent Neville Flynn (played by Jackson) swoops him and saves him. I suppose it goes without saying that you have to suspend your disbelief for something as absurd as Snakes on a Plane but not everything here adds up. The gang barely get a glimpse as Jones as he speeds off on his bike so it's strange how both they and the FBI track him down. We see a Red Bull can during his FBI interrogation and the idea of dirty cops on Eddie Kim's payroll comes up so I guess he had his guys on the inside finger print it and I.D him that way? Well how did the FBI get a hold of it? And did Kim just have these boxes of snakes laying around the runway until his guys there could point out exactly which plane the FBI was getting on?

Whatever, the snakes are whipped into a frenzy by pheromones sprayed onto leis that are handed to passengers as they leave the airport in Hawaii. A timer goes off and the snakes are let loose, worming their way around the various nooks and crannies of the plane before working their way first into one of the bathrooms.

Nice to see you again, Tor, it's been a while. How are you holding up, old chap? I think this was covered in Scream but, yeah, just never have sex during a horror film. Doesn't matter if it's a repressed religious zealot or a bunch of venomous snakes, fate will conspire to kill you in one way or another.

The survivors group together in a more isolated part of the plane and try to barricade themselves in and tend to the wounded. One part of the entourage of a rapper gets bit on his behind and when the solution of sucking the venom out, he sure as hell doesn't anybody sucking his ass, especially not the running joke of the 'obviously super gay but haha he wasn't gay at all in the end' steward.

These aren't just little snakes either, there's even a bloody great python on board that manages to swallow a pompous English guy whole.

With the snakes taking out both pilots, we're left with the predicament of just who will land the plane? You keep expecting Claire to be the one to do it since hey, it's tradition but Flynn volunteers, figuring the tower can talk him through it. But wait! The other rapper handler has over 2000 flight hours!

And it's about here that we learn that Agent Flynn has Adder-nough of this and we get the infamous Samuel L. Jackson line, the one that's probably received tens of millions of hits on YouTube since it's inception: "I've had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!" And it just comes out of nowhere! Apparently part of the reshoots was to try and play more to Jackson's character type since a lot of the hype was centered around his casting and you can see how something like this was shoehorned in.

He shoots out a few of the windows in order to clear the cockpit of snakes so Troy can get in and do this thang. Meanwhile, everyone else is left holding on for dear life.

But it's OK, Troy is extremely experienced...in flight simulators. But somehow, some way, he pulls it off.

Well fuck, as if all that Kinect nonsense and DRM bullshit wasn't enough, now Sony has Samuel L. Jackon's endorsement and here I am backing a dead horse.

[King Ellis]

Day 9

Godzilla (1954)

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Gee, I hope that's just credits and not backstory...

The King of the Monsters seems to change in size and shape during his countless movie outings in his native Japan (and his more questionable Hollywood remakes), going from 50 meters tall to 106 in the 2014 American Godzilla. No matter his size though, he is capable of massive destruction thanks to the many weapons at his disposal including his signature atomic breath.

And it's the power of the atom that plays a huge role in the movie, from how it is said to have re-awoken the monster following nuclear weapon tests in the Pacific, to how Godzilla is basically a metaphor for the nuclear attacks suffered by Japan not even ten years prior to the films release.

What do these so called 'scientists' know? Everyone knows the brontosaurus is bullshit!

Whilst I'd say that the first hour is almost boring as it builds up Godzilla's re-emergence, the disbelief that this old legend might be true, politicians debating on how to deal with the potential fall out on the world stage of their part in creating this monster...it really kicks up a notch in the final third.

From what I've come to learn about Godzilla over the years, it's been built up as this sort of campy monster mash of Godzilla defending Earth from all manner of intergalactic invaders like giant moths, three headed dragons and even mechanical apes.

But kinda like Nightmare on Elm Street, this first outing has none of that. As you begin to revel in the sight of this giant fiend demolishing buildings with it's tail or burning down buildings, you cut to TV crews faced with their own mortality as Godzilla heads towards their broadcast tower and knocks it down. Or a distraught mother, clutching her infant child telling them that 'they'll be with daddy soon'.

Then you have the morning after the night before, dead bodies littering the streets, the smoldering wreckage of houses no longer there and fires still burning in the monster's wake.

When artillery shells and 50,000 volts of electricity prove ineffectual, one scientist is left with the quandary of his prototype weapon being the only viable option left to stop this utter devastation, but knowing that even if it were successful, he'd be left having his brain picked over by every military force on Earth wanting him to make a hundred more and enabling a massacre that would surpass even a nuclear bomb.

Here I am worrying about having 7 or 8 Freddy films, I think Godzilla has has a good 30 over the past 60 years. Not sure if I'd ever watch that many but I think one or two of them have big fights where lots of monsters return so that might be worth dipping into, almost like a compilation album or a 'Greatest Hits'.

[Toe]

I love Nightmare On Elm Street, and I find the original film is still a bit creepy. Especially this..

[King Ellis]

Day 10

Alien (1979)

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Ah, what better time to watch Alien then as Alien: Isolation is tearing up the video game charts and seeking to mend the damage done by the much slated Aliens: Colonial Marines. Though the franchise has had a number of releases over the years, most of their success has come from the Alien vs Predator spinoff, with a well received arcade beat-em-up in the mid 90's and then a pair of FPS games on the PC in the late 90's/early 00's. Though, I hear Aliens Infestation on the DS is meant to be good, following the Metroidvania style. I think it's there that Alien has left it's biggest mark on games though, being a big influence on Nintendo's Metroid series. But enough about viddy games, talk about the damn movie! For the sake of clarity, I am watching the Director's Cut...just because.

The Nostromo is carrying some 20,000,000 tons of mineral ore back to Earth and it's seven crew sleep soundly on board in stasis during the long journey but they're awoken by the ship's computer to investigate a mysterious transmission. We're treated to a quick tour during the intro, a strange mix of cramped corridors and the flickering lights of various computer screens and gizmos. But nothing can prepare you for the amazing technology they have in store...

IT'S DRINKING THE WATER!

I always like it when TV and movies try to predict the technology of the future with the limitations of the present. When the captain goes to talk to the ship's computer, he has to go through the protracted security process of inputting a password, taking out a special key-card, putting that in a slot which opens up a compartment to press some more buttons. Then when he does finally get in the room, it's an odd dome shape, covered in blinking lights and the world's smallest computer screens.

I see pet carrier technology has moved on though. Who need plastic cages when you can rugged, metal boxes?

When they do go to investigate the signal, it doesn't work out too well for the artist eventually known as the DEMON. That thing is just immensely creepy, not only for it's looks or it's attack methods, but the way it sort of hisses and tightens it's grip around the DEMON's throat as his associates cut away the helmet that the face hugger melted through to get to his face. As if that wasn't bad enough, it has acid for blood.

Which of course leads to the infamous scene where the alien bursts through the chest of the DEMON as he writhes around in pain on the dinner table. What I liked about this is how everyone is trying to hold him down to be examined when an initial wound opens, spraying blood everywhere. Everyone flinches and things go silent for a moment as everyone is in shock before they all realise in unison that they need to carry on trying to restrain the DEMON. Apparently the actors weren't informed ahead of time that this would happen so I guess that's quite a genuine moment.

Is it wrong that I find the baby poking it's head out, crying and then scuttling off amusing? There's just something funny about it running across the table, knocking drinks over and it's little tail flailing about as it goes.

You know, people talk about the phallic nature of the chest bursting and the Xenomorph design in general but between those, the alien face sitting and the android bukkake here, this flick is pretty dirty. I suppose the fact that Ash was a robot was the only actual twist here since he's portrayed as being a bit shifty from the off so you figure he's up to something. There's some other parts that just seem so obvious that you're just waiting for it to hurry up and happen. Like when they're using a tracking device to find the creature and they think they've found it, you just know it's the crew's pet cat. Or when Brett has to go find the cat when they startle it, you know the alien is laying in wait for him.

With the creature whittling the crew down to just three survivors, they figure it's best to just blow the ship up with it inside. It's a trivial thing but I like how complicated this destruction process is, which sounds rather obvious but for some reason I'm just imagining some big red button somewhere that someone trips over and presses. At least you can't accidentally set this thing off.

But oh shit, it was stowed away on the escape pod! Which is neat, it's design kind of blends in with all the exposed wires and machinery of the ship so it's hard to tell the difference when it's dark and you're a bit hysterical from seeing all your ship mates killed. Snakes on a Plane was the same when Agent Flynn had to crawl around in the bowels of the plane to reset some switches and he's got all sorts of cables in his way that you could mistake for his reptilian foes.

Feels like there's barely a word spoken during the last half hour aside from Ripley singing to herself incoherently. And there's just something very cool about the space suit and helmet.

Poor guy just wanted a hug.

For all it's cool moments, the interesting sets and alien designs, I'm not sure this has had the immediate effect on me that some other films have. Not saying it's bad or anything, just to me not great. Maybe because this is one of those films where, even if you haven't seen it, you kinda have with how many times these scenes have been repeated or parodied. Even the alien itself which they go to great lengths to keep you in the dark over by having it appear in so many forms, has now become an iconic design so it's not the unknown quantity it was then.

I blame the Turtles.

[Brody]

This is good stuff. I just watched Alien for the first time the other day because of Isolation. I was pleasantly surprised how well the movie holds up almost 30 years later. The only things that don't look great are the Ash and chest-burster scenes. Everything else is done really well.

[9 to 5]

I like the balls on Ellis to compare something from Alien to Snakes on a Plane.

[King Ellis]

Day 11

The Giant Claw (1957)

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Why, what sort of inept teaboy did they get to design this poster? They've cropped off it's head! As you'll see in a moment, they had their reasons. I was going into this one quite hesitantly as, knowing it's reputation, I feared it would be kind of a one trick pony. I was right to be worried.

We start with some exposition on radar tests being conducted seemingly in some part of Canada or Alaska, with pilot Mitch MacAfee in the air to allow equipment on the ground to be properly calibrated. It's whilst in the sky that he reports a UFO but it goes undetected by those manning the radars.

They're not happy with him, thinking he's pulling some sort of prank, especially since they had to scramble several other planes to go investigate the incident and one of the pilots has gone missing. Eh, it's not the first time MacAfee has led to the death of another man.a All Mitch can say is that whatever it was, it was 'as big as a battleship.'

Which is my cue to warn you all on the dangers of The Giant Claw drinking game. Do not, under any circumstances, try to play it. How many times can they possibly liken this thing to a flying battleship, you might ask. It's such an odd description. But play the game and you'll be long dead before the movie's half over and this thing is only just over an hour long. They say it so many times that it loses all meaning quicker than 'Pumpkin' during the autumn season. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice latte, pumpkin waffles, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin M&M's...

But if the drinking doesn't get you, the special effects will. Nothing I do or say can possibly begin to ready you for what you're about to see. Ladies and gentlemen, behold...

THE GIANT CLAW!
...

If you're quite finished drying your eyes from the tears of laughter, picked yourself up from rolling on the floor and stitched your sides back together, I'll try to continue.

I mean...wow. Where do you even begin? It might just be the ugliest thing ever imagined with it's jagged teeth, bulging eyes and wispy, comb-over hair.

And worse still, it has the kind of 'anti-everything' shield not seen since your game of cops and robbers on the school playground when that one kid wouldn't play dead no matter how many times you said you got him.

It also really fucking hates the United Nations building for some reason.

But all is not lost, for we are treated to copious amounts of techno babble, something about masic atoms, anti matter, electrons. I have absolutely no idea. The just of it is, they have to fire this thing at the bird and it will make it susceptible to normal weapon fire.

DEAD BIRD! DEAD BIRD! DEAD BIRD!

Just in time for Thanksgiving! What kind of meat do you like? Breast, thigh or wing? It's just a little soggy, it's still good! It's still good!

So, yeah, outside of the amazingly terrible titular bird, there's nothing worth seeing here. There's probably a montage on YouTube of The Giant Claw in action that will give you the same effect and save you a good hour and ten minutes.

[Monkey D. Lars]

Ellis, I would love to see you something like this with Black Cat (1981) it's about a cat that murders people.

[King Ellis]

Day 12

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

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This impromptu weekend of self torture continues, following the laughable Giant Claw we have what promises to be a really horrible and disgusting hour and a half with The Human Centipede.

The film opens with a mysterious man sitting a lay-by, seemingly waiting for something or someone, tenderly touching a set of photos. I've heard of dogging but this is ridiculous!

American tourists Lindsay and Jenny are making their way across Europe, currently settled in Germany and on their way out for the night when their car gets a flat tire. After trying to flag down a passing motorist who confuses them for hookers, they set off on foot looking for assistance and just when all hope is lost, they chance upon a house.

Unfortunately for them, the house belongs to Dr. Josef Heiter who very openly admits to not liking human beings. It doesn't take long for them to think that something's amiss here and try to make their leave but the doctor has slipped a little something into their water and they're out for the count.

He keeps the pair restrained and hooked up to various drips in his basement, alongside a Japanese tourist, Katsuro, he shoots with a tranquilizer and brings home. Forcibly waking up the trio, he reveals his horrifying plan via the medium of overhead projector.

A skilled surgeon he may be but an artist, he surely isn't, though those eyes do look pretty vacant and dead.

I like his calligraphy though. But, yeah, I think we all know what's going on (Thank you internet hype machine and South Park) and I'd rather not go into it as it is rather revolting. Apparently before his retirement, he was adept at separating Siamese twins so he has grown rather curious at doing the opposite.

Dieter Laser does a good job as the doctor, he has a good look for playing a crazed doctor and is slightly reminiscent of Dr Strangelove in those glasses.

And speaking of doctors, I'm not sure whether or not this isn't unlike a trip to the doctors: much worse in your head and ultimately not that bad once you get through it. Whilst the idea behind it is undoubtedly appalling, it's not exactly overly graphic. It's not pleasant to see these people stitched up like this, with the occasional close up on the stapled faces of the girls in positions B and C, but bandages cover up most of it. Perhaps that makes it worse though, making you imagine everything. There is one scene at the end where an escape attempt leads to Katsuro taking his own life by tearing at his own throat with a shard of glass which we're shown in full, bloody detail.

You can't really deny that the gross nature of the film is what earned it notoriety, it's why I'm watching after all, and it seems to have managed to get it a follow up two years later and there's a third on the way which is set to be the last. Apparently the chain in that one gets up to 500 long. For fucks sake...Bloody Larz, what's wrong with your country?

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

I've not watched the first and don't intend to either. However I've heard that there's a scene in the second involving a baby in a car that means I'll never, ever watch the second Human Centipede in my life.

With regards to Alien, it's one of my favourite films of all time. The best of the franchise for me.

[King Ellis]

I'm going to assume the scene is someone smashing a car window to rescue baby on a hot day. Then I'll ignore any post that says otherwise.