"Soccer" is destroying America!

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

How dare such a useless and dreadful sport be allowed in God's own country!

http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/?p=1329

An excellent article.

[Clawson]

Link no worky.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

It should, I just clicked it.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad

By Stephen H. Webb

Thursday, March 5, 2009, 12:00 AM

Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves. Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me! Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.” That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

Stephen H. Webb is a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College. His recent books include American Providence and Taking Religion to School.

[JStarr]

Worked fine for me...and I had to chuckle at where the writer teaches.

Good ol' Wabash College, Crawfordsville, Indiana, where the men are men and the sheep are quite nervous. Because it's all men and all.

It's always funny hearing intellectuals, male intellectuals especially, give themselves a hernia trying to hoist themselves above their gender by simplifying the entire male psyche into "Sex/Violence/Fried Foods," or some variant. If no one's getting killed or maimed, we don't care and are incapable of appreciating it. Funny, yes, but still bullshit.

[Clawson]

Yes, soccer is a foreign invasion. Cause we all know how popular football, baseball and basketball are around the world. And we all know America wasn't founded by no foreigners who played the game.

Fuck.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Clawson

[naiwf]

I agreed with the idea that "we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind." Everything else was pure theological/philosophical excrement.

[Captain Kirk]

Is this there excuse for not being very good at it?

[GA!]

+2 HP to CSAMH for putting 'soccer' in quotation marks.

[Matt]

If "football" is so much more entertaining than "soccer", why does "football" have all the bullshit off-field entertainment?

[Zaz]

This is why good 'ol America is such a shit country tbf.

[Clawson]

If "football" is so much more entertaining than "soccer", why does "football" have all the bullshit off-field entertainment?

What else you gonna do in the 40 seconds between plays? Americans can barely lift their bellies up to start masterbating in that time.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

The writer of the article clearly supports masturbation as a sport. Afterall hands are God's work while feet belong to the devil apparantly.

[gunnar hendershow]

For those who don't know, Stephen Webb is a world-renowned moron.

He has done such books as: American Providence: A Nation with a Mission, On God and Dogs: A Christian Theology of Compassion for Animals, and if Wikipedia is any indication his next book is Christianity and Its Enemies. He's a self-proclaimed "Conservative Christian Theologian" and as anyone can tell you there's something wrong with the three of those next to each other 100% of the time.

Oh, and need I add there's a good plenty of people like him in the Heartland?

[ZJ Penn]

How dare he call it tedious to watch?!

There's nothing more exciting than a "penalty kick out".

[Hobo]

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch?

Baseball, for one.

[Asuka's Gonna Kill You]

Heck, all sports aren't even close to being as entertaining as 'soccer'.

I stopped reading after he claimed it to be one of the most boring sports. Don't see the need to shit on America for this, it's just one pathetic idiot who seemingly hasn't got a clue what he's on about. It's really people like this that you wish you could just slap them across their face. He sounds almost as bad as Steven Howard out of The Sun, what a tit he is as well.

[nabeel]

Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding.

Where did he play soccer >_>

Edited March 14, 2009 by nabeel

[therockbox]

Someone's already updated his Wikipedia entry.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_H._Webb

On the 5th of March 2009, Stephen Webb published an article on "Soccer". Some might consider this article to be simply a scathing attack on something he has no interest in and obviously has an embedded hatred for. This article can be viewed at the following location,

http://www.firstthings.com/onthesquare/?p=1329

In this article Stephen insinuates that Soccer might not only be the cause of America “dumbing” down, but also the cause of America’s competitive, or dominating nature. The rest of the world might consider Stephen to be a complete and utter fucking prick for writing said article. This article was more than likely written during the early hours of the morning whilst Stephen was off work on sick leave, due to a sprained wrist whilst masturbating over the American flag and hurling lumps of his own faeces at maps of Europe.

I'm sure this is an old article though, or at least a rehash of something that's been around for years. I can remember reading something really similar to that ages ago, especially the bit about using the feet and an occasional bang of the head.

[JStarr]

This is why good 'ol America is such a shit country tbf.

Yeah, that was what I was afraid this would turn into. *sigh* Have a warning, Zaz.