EWB Screenwriting Group

[GhostMachine]

Got an idea for a script I might write, but I want to see what some people here think:

Would a giant monster movie where you don't actually get to see the monster work? I'm not talking about something like Cloverfield where all you see is the destruction its causing until the big reveal, but one where all you see of the monster the entire film is its shadow and maybe a foot (because I'm thinking of having it first appear by stomping a car with people in it). There would be a big battle between it and the military where the monster is hidden inside a huge cloud of smoke when the camera angles are positioned where you'd normally be able to see it, and it basically gets blown to smithereens while inside that cloud.

I want to go this route because I like the idea that sometimes the imagination can be scarier than something actually seen.

[C-MIL]

Sounds like The Mist...

And like The Mist, you'd have to frame the story around something other than the monster in order for it to really work. Same idea in practice in Cloverfield too.

It could definitely work, but if you go into it thinking that you're writing a monster movie where the audience never sees the monster, you're sunk. You have to write a different kind of movie that just so happens to have this giant monster shadow looming over it.

[HeartlineTwist]

While that's true, unless you're directing it yourself, what you're imagining in your head and what the director is going to create is usually going to be two different things. When you write a novel, you need to be as descriptive as possible when it comes to the setting and character actions. That's more of a directors job when it comes to film, though, unless it's something that is completely necessary to the plot of your story.

You don't have to be a fantastic writer to "wow" someone with your script. You have to have a fantastic story.

You do have to have a fantastic story, but you also need to be a pretty decent writer.

Sure, your concern isn't camera angles or even really transitions or the technical side of the issue. And writing in specific reactions/emotions for characters can be somewhat troubling, but having a great story AND a great voice are very important. How you go about describing your setting and story tonally can work wonders for the screenplay. Yes, you don't need details like "A red phone sits on Hank's table beside his couch" unless that phone is really important, but you probably shouldn't excise all details because that's really the time for the voice to come through.

I think a screenplay that shows a really good example of the voice of the writers is the screenplay for (500)Days of Summer.

And I echo what's been said about the monster movie idea.

[ThrillhouseMAX]

I don't know how I didn't realize this thread was here. Screenwriting is one of my favorite things. I've got a stack of scripts that I've wrote (and some I haven't finished) that I haven't done anything with yet. I've been trying to write a new script, but I don't have a name for it, so maybe I'll let you guys in on the plot and see if you can help me with a name. I know the name isn't always the more important thing, but to me it feels stronger to have a title. Maybe I can get a little feedback on the story and see what you guys think of it.

So basically, this guy has had it with his job, and he wants out. He works in a normal office building, nothing too special. He finally loses it when his boss chews him out over something that he had no part in, and then the next day he sneaks two paintball guns in. He waits for the right time, and then basically shoots everyone he can with paintballs until police arrive, and then he is arrested and fire. I think I might try to end it (albeit, probably stupidly) with him waking up at his desk, revealing that he was dreaming, BUT when he checks under his desk, there are two paintball guns against the wall.

Thoughts? I don't even know what I think of my own script, so... yeah.

[GhostMachine]

Sounds interesting. Personally, if I writing something like that - and this is just me; I'm not saying you should change and go with it - I'd have it be actual guns and he snaps out of it after being shot dead, not arrested. Unless its written as a comedy, that is.

I'm tossing that monster that isn't shown idea on the backburner. Its just one of several ideas I've got, and there are a couple of others I will probably write first, if I even do that one at all. (All I've really got fleshed out in my head for the monster script is the first few minutes leading up to when the monster shows up and another scene about a 1/3 of the way into the film that doesn't have the monster in it)

[ThrillhouseMAX]

Sounds interesting. Personally, if I writing something like that - and this is just me; I'm not saying you should change and go with it - I'd have it be actual guns and he snaps out of it after being shot dead, not arrested. Unless its written as a comedy, that is.

I'm tossing that monster that isn't shown idea on the backburner. Its just one of several ideas I've got, and there are a couple of others I will probably write first, if I even do that one at all. (All I've really got fleshed out in my head for the monster script is the first few minutes leading up to when the monster shows up and another scene about a 1/3 of the way into the film that doesn't have the monster in it)

Thanks for the feedback. It is supposed to be a comedy, which is why I chose paintball over real guns. Monster stories, to me, always seem weird to write, because I always had a tough time fleshing out what I wanted to do with the monster. If you can manage to make it work, more power to you.

[C-MIL]

Ready, Aim, Fired?

[GA!]

Another bump. Anybody done much screenwriting lately?

[Jimmy]

I've done a lot of research lately as I'm going to write a television pilot for my Extended Project Qualification. I'm also working on a short script as warm up, which I aim to post up on a script website to get some feedback on my writing style and such. I wrote about ten pages of a feature a few months back, but the feedback I was getting wasn't overly positive and I think the writing style was awkward.

I'll post the link to the ten pages if anyone would be kind enough to feedback me. Since then, I've read a lot of scripts, like the Studio 60 pilot and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and I've found it seriously helpful.

[GA!]

Post it up and I'll take a look tomorrow morning.

[LL!]

I was enticed through the promise of some money I really could've used to convert a short (11 page) script into a feature (90 pages.)

I was like, "FUCK YEAH!"

And then he said, in 3 days.

And I was like, "What the fuck are you on?"

I got to 60 pages and failed. The content was also preachy bullshit, so I had no creative motivation invested. In the end, half of me feels that it was for the better, as I really wouldn't want my name attached to it.

[GA!]

I was enticed through the promise of some money I really could've used to convert a short (11 page) script into a feature (90 pages.)

I was like, "FUCK YEAH!"

And then he said, in 3 days.

And I was like, "What the fuck are you on?"

I got to 60 pages and failed. The content was also preachy bullshit, so I had no creative motivation invested. In the end, half of me feels that it was for the better, as I really wouldn't want my name attached to it.

I'm somewhat in the same situation at the moment. I've been hired by a friend of a friend to write a feature length drama/horror - unlike you they have been very welcome with giving me time (I hope to finish tomorrow, five weeks after I started), however I believe I've written a pile of shit. There are major outlining issues in that its too melodramatic, too cliche, and that the intended subtext is not subtext at all which in turn creates a massive moral issue. As it's not my outline, I don't want to go into business for myself, so I'll have to have discussions, which will probably lead to another script being written. FML and all that.

I also got news tonight from my Dad - as I use his house as a mailing address for some reason - that the script I sent to the BBC (which I have referenced here, back in August I believe) got to the basic feedback stage of "thanks, but no thanks". I'm severely disappointed I didn't get to the stage above - where I'm guaranteed a full read of the next script I send, even if it's just a piece of paper with shit smeared on it - as it sounds like I completely squandered the idea I had. Last time I reached the feedback stage, I knew the series idea I had was fairly unworkable. Now the fault lies solely with my execution. As someone who regularly doubts their ability to execute a piece of writing, having it confirmed by someone else is a kick to the balls.

I might post the feedback actually when I get it. My Tumblr needs content damn it.

[Jimmy]

http://splitsecond7.angelfire.com/

It's on there. I feel it was helpful to plan through a whole feature, but some of it was misguided. I'm open to any feedback and I'm able to take harsh words, I'm just looking to improve. This was my work a few months back. Since then, I've started on a few other things I feel are a bit better. But yeah, if any of you fancy it, the link is on the front page. Just gotta highlight it to see it cos I'm useless with angelfire, apparently.

[GA!]

I'll give it a read shortly.

Incidentally, if anyone wonders what feedback from the BBC Writersroom looks like, here you go. My fuck-ups are of an educational value.

[Jimmy]

Sorry that the script didn't get any further, but at least there was some positives to take from that. Are you working on anything else at the moment? Found that letter a very interesting read and followed you for good measure.

[fr34k]

I can't really comment on your style Split, because I have actually no idea how to write a screenplay. Your descriptions of what's happening seem okay though. What I don't like is your dialogue - I don't know why but it seems pretty stiff and artificial to me. There are some good lines (e.g. JUDY: Funny, you giving me a lecture about quitting), but other parts just don't ring true to me.

So yeah, I'd start there with improving .

[GA!]

I read it. I'm in the middle of upgrading my computer so pardon the lack of references to names...

It's a very good start. You accomplished an important aspect of scriptwriting - and that's to grab the reader's attention around page 10. I want to know why her husband has been kidnapped, how the main character will overcome his flaws to do such a thing, and why she has stayed quiet about it for 48 hours. So good job there.

I can't really comment on your style Split, because I have actually no idea how to write a screenplay. Your descriptions of what's happening seem okay though. What I don't like is your dialogue - I don't know why but it seems pretty stiff and artificial to me. There are some good lines (e.g. JUDY: Funny, you giving me a lecture about quitting), but other parts just don't ring true to me.

So yeah, I'd start there with improving .

I agree. I wouldn't say 'artificial', the characters are saying what needs to be said in terms of the narrative, but there's no flair to what anyone's saying. Think, for example, is the main character was sarcastic. How would the dialogue change to fit that?

Word to the wise, remove all swearing. Peppering everything with 'fuck' is a rookie mistake as it's both empty emotion, and dilutes any moment where saying 'fuck' is actually appropriate.

[Jimmy]

Oh, sweet. On another site I was getting feedback that the kidnapping aspect came out of nowhere and threw them off because it was out of the blue and an unrealistic conclusion to draw to, which is something I was getting at. Yeah, I do need to work on my dialogue, that's something I realise.

I'll try and cut out the swearing, I was going more for realism - but if it's coming across as a bit too much that's something I'll definitely cut out.

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Out of interest, how was the writing style GA?

[GA!]

Oh, sweet. On another site I was getting feedback that the kidnapping aspect came out of nowhere and threw them off because it was out of the blue and an unrealistic conclusion to draw to, which is something I was getting at. Yeah, I do need to work on my dialogue, that's something I realise.

I'll try and cut out the swearing, I was going more for realism - but if it's coming across as a bit too much that's something I'll definitely cut out.

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Out of interest, how was the writing style GA?

It's a good thing it came out of nowhere. It's attention grabbing, it makes the reader go: "Wait, what?" As long as the script in the end makes sense, it doesn't matter if you withhold key information until later.

As long as its not forced, realistic dialogue does not necessarily matter or else every scene would include small talk ("Hi" "How are you...") and other boring conversationalist quirks. Swearing can be done masterfully though (see The Thick of It), just don't go to Tarantino-style silliness.

There wasn't enough there to tell what you're going for in terms of style.

[Jimmy]

Well as long as it read alright without taking you out of the script because of clunky descriptions or such, then that's a positive I can draw from this. Thanks a lot for the feedback. (Y)