EWB Screenwriting Group

[TKz]

TKz,

I've read the first ten pages. It has potential but like Split said, you need to severely cut-down the description. The fight scene on page three should be punchy. Don't forget that each page represents sixty seconds screen time, therefore the movement must represent that. It should like the 1960's Batman fight scenes, BAM! POW! KAZAAM! is more concise than "and then he threatened to do that" and "he started to do this". Read a couple of fight scenes from Buffy The Vampire Slayer (buffyworld.com) to get a feel of them. Just avoid any Joss Whedon chumminess their description has.

Another problem with the description is you need to sound confident. Unless it's a mystery requiring a vague description, avoid saying things like "He is.... wearing a cream trench coat over what appears to be some kind of business suit" - the kind of is a huge turn off as you don't seem sure yourself. "He is wearing a cream trench coat over a business suit" works better.

A couple more nitpicks: you should've started a new page after declaring the 'OPENING CREDITS'. The scene that went from the roof to his apartment in page 5 and 6, you need a separate 'INT - APARTMENT - NIGHT' if the scene changes, even if it's continuous. And on page 2, you don't need to describe a scene cutting as sudden, the 'CUT TO' above should be labelled 'SMASH CUT TO' if you specifically want that. And then remove all the CUT TO's that aren't necessary to the plot as you're not the video editor.

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh. I'd much rather help a writer by critiquing them and telling them how to improve than patting them on the head.

No, that's all quite helpful thanks (And to you Split), I'll try and work on cutting down the description when I've got some spare time next week. Cheers guys.

[Pepsi]

I've got a formatting question. How do I write it if I want an opening text crawl that then says the title?

Edited December 5, 2009 by Pepsi

[C-MIL]

You'd just write that. Or use "SUPER: Title" to denote super-imposing. It's not its own scene, so there'd be no slug.

[Pepsi]

You'd just write that. Or use "SUPER: Title" to denote super-imposing. It's not its own scene, so there'd be no slug.

So the Fade In after that?

[C-MIL]

Yeah, although stylistic decisions such as that would usually be left up to the director. If it's just a matter of putting the title on the screen, I'd figure putting it on the title page would suffice as direction.

[Numbahs]

I've got a formatting question. How do I write it if I want an opening text crawl that then says the title?

So, like the Star Wars opening?

BTW, the last comment by C-Milly is right. I wouldn't bother with it.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Numbahs

[GA!]

Who's taking part in Script Frenzy in April by the way?

[Numbahs]

I looked around the site and still don't understand how they can tell that you wrote it in April. Do you register the idea with the WGA on April 1st and then work?

Cool idea though.

[Jimmy]

I don't know. I nearly did last year. My problem at the moment is I've influenced in writing, or ideas, from what ever I'm currently watching. I finally set down to plan out a TV series a month ago or so, I got some plans together, but then it turned out very cliche. I need to really flesh an idea out for once. How do you guys go about writing down your ideas and such?

[GA!]

I looked around the site and still don't understand how they can tell that you wrote it in April. Do you register the idea with the WGA on April 1st and then work?

Cool idea though.

It's for fun, so no WGA. And they do it by setting up software between April 1st-31st where it can tell how many pages are complete in a PDF file.

[LittleDaniel]

How much outlining do you do? I feel like, if I put enough effort into the outline, I at least get through a rough copy of the piece (not necessarily a script, but any piece of writing) because I'd feel like I wasted too much time doing the outline to not get something out of it.

[GA!]

Personally, I practically write out the entire story in note form so the first draft process is more a transcript of my notes than anything. After that I start to smooth the rough edges.

[Numbahs]

I don't know. I nearly did last year. My problem at the moment is I've influenced in writing, or ideas, from what ever I'm currently watching. I finally set down to plan out a TV series a month ago or so, I got some plans together, but then it turned out very cliche. I need to really flesh an idea out for once. How do you guys go about writing down your ideas and such?

If you are going to do television, give your episode a "theme" of some sort. Whatever storylines happen in the given episode, need to pertain to that theme(even if it loosely does so). If doing a series of episodes, give the entire run a theme...then make each smaller theme build into that big one.

No character gets time in the show, unless they are a main character(someone in every episode) or help aid the story in some way.

I wouldn't worry about it being "cliche". Every story has already been created, you just have to put your spin on it. Even more so if it's TV. It will work itself out as you re-write.

What type of television would you be creating? Sitcom? Hour-long drama?

EDIT: I know some of that info seems random and/or obvious(especially if you've read books on the subject), but that's some of the best basic stuff I'd keep in mind. Anything else I'd suggest depends on the type of show you're getting into.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Numbahs

[Jimmy]

Yeah, I'm quite into American Sci-FI/Drama's. So that's what I'm more interested in writing. 40 minute or so episodes which revolve around multiple characters. I'm just trying to get some ideas sorted and see what comes from it.

[Numbahs]

Depending on how many characters you have, I would go one of two options for an original work...

- X amount of characters, given equal "ensemble" billing.

Pick an even amount of episodes (8, 12, 16, 22, whatever)

Have an "A" storyline and a "B" storyline for each individual episode. Highlight a specific character in each one, making sure that everyone eventually gets their own episode.

Say 8 characters and 16 episodes...

Episode one: #1 and #2

Episode two: #3 and #4

Episode three: #5 and #6

Episode four: #7 and #8

Episode five: #1 and #8

Episode six: #2 and #7

Episode seven: #3 and #6

Episode eight: #4 and #5

Episode nine: #1 and #5

Episode ten: #2 and #6

Episode eleven: #3 and #7

Episode twelve: #4 and #8

Episode thirteen: #1 and #3

Episode fourteen: #2 and #4

Episode fifteen: #5 and #7

Episode sixteen: #6 and #8

So, everyone gets four episodes. This is a good start.

The problem with something like this, is that you can easily neglect any number of characters when it's not their time to take center stage. I think an easy way to take some pressure off of yourself is to put your characters into groups. They can be pre-existing(family, co-workers), or meet each other and combine forces, whatever you want. This helps define relationships and attitudes that they may have before they even get their own episode, also keeping them relevant. The way you split them up doesn't need to be even either(2/2/2/2 or 4/4), (3/3/2) (1/3/2/2) could work.

Don't be afraid to play around with the dynamic, even as you write. This could lead to some of the groupings being withheld from the reader/audience initially...and withholding information can be good in any genre of screenwriting.

- You could also have X amount of characters, with 2 leads.

This is what I would recommend, as every episode will feature two characters that are pre-defined and familiar to the audience. Initially, you can have episodes that are mostly pertaining to them.

Using 8 characters w/12 episodes...

Episode one: #1 and #2

Episode two: #1 and #2

Then layer in some of the bit characters with their own combined storyline.

Episode three: #1/#3 and #2/#4

Episode four: #1/#5 and #2/#6

Episode five: #1/#7 and #2/#8

Episode six: #1/#4 and #1/#3

Episode seven: #1/#6 and #2/#5

Episode eight: #1/#8 and #2/#7

Then play around with it even more.

Episode nine: #1/#3/#5 and #2/#4/#6

Episode ten: #1/#3/#7 and #2/#4/#8

Episode eleven: #1/#5/#6 and #2/#7/#8

Episode twelve: #1/#4/#8 and #2/#3/#5

You could even have some late in the run where it's #1 and #2 together for one storyline and some of the bit players getting their own storyline for once. The possibilities are pretty much endless.

There's only one real problem I can think of right now with this format. You need to make sure the two leads are active. You can't have them be passive, good people in every episode. While that idea applies to all writing, not just this two main character format, it's easy to sink into it here. Most writers starting out will be desperate to make their leads likable. In trying their hardest to do so, they will often make more and more things happen to the protagonists rather than having them make questionable decisions or act out in any way. In reality, audiences are intrigued by unpredictable characters who learn or show change somewhere along the story. The opposite is true about characters that just predictably take everything that's handed to them with a smile.

Make sure you also structure the show around act breaks, even if you anticipate their being no commercials. It helps you keep the audience hooked. With a hour-long drama, I'd do something like this...

- 2 page teaser - Something that will interest readers right away. It can be humorous, action, horror, whatever the tone...

- Credits - You don't have to worry much about that, but it will be a break in the story.

- 13 page first act - Setup your story focus, characters, situation. One of the stories needs to elevate with a twist of some sort...

(Character A is a lonely person (i.e. no boyfriend), Character B[her brother] is going to work at a carnival. Blah, blah, blah. Character A is unexpectedly approached by a boy. WHAT A GAMECHANGER! >_>)

- 13 page second act - Continue on. We see what happens after the unexpected occurs, good or bad. The other story has a twist, bigger than the first story...

("A" is enjoying the newfound attention, they agree to go to the carnival. "B" works the carnival and sees "A" and boyfriend. "A" excuses herself to the bathroom and "B" watches as her new boyfriend steals money out of a cash register or something. WHAT A DOUCHE!)

- 12 page third act - Progressive storyline complications, culminating in a twist that will push us to the finish line.

("B" confronts the boyfriend, ready to lay into him, but chickens out and even accepts a candy treat of some sort from the thief. "A" comes back and pushes "B" back into work, leaving with the Douche. "B" is able to flag down his supervisor and alert him of the theft, although he's not able to point out the Douche. All is not good for "A", as she realizes her new guy is a smoker. This doesn't sit too well and they argue, breaking up in the process. In a rage, Douche flicks his cigarette into a something that slowly(unnoticed) lights aflame.)

- 10 page final act - Everything should come together, leaving our main characters changed and ready for another story. This should be the shortest of all acts. After setting up three acts, you should be able to do this one the quickest.

"A" slinks back to "B"s work area and sadly relives the breakup. "A" tells her about his douchey nature and says she's better off. "A" can't believe the size of this guy's nuts to steal from the carnival like that. He probably even bought their entertainment for the evening with stolen dough. "A" shrugs off the last comment while eating his candy treat with a guilt-ridden face. "B" finds an employee to cover for "A", and they go looking for the Douche. While looking, they are drawn to a crowd that has gathered around a pretty large fire. In the crowd, they spot Douche gawking at the fire he unknowingly created. "A" is also able to spot his supervisor and a police officer in the crowd. "B" approaches the Douche and gives him a peace of her mind while "A" comes in with the fuzz. Douche is arrested, but "A" stops the officer and admits that he too should be taken in because he ate something that he knew was purchased with the stolen money. The officer lets him off with a warning and chucks Douche in a police car or something.

Both "A" and "B" watch fire fighters douse the blaze. "A" with a newfound sense of doing the right thing. "B" alone again, but somewhat happy she is, as boyfriends aren't always what they seem to be.

Something like that is lame, I know. It's even pretty bad. I could've done a lot better if putting more time into it. That's what re-writing is for. "A" is pretty tame, but I still had him choose to accept stolen goods and to turn himself in for doing so. That's more interesting than doing the opposite of either. "B" got something given to her, divorced herself from it for a petty thing and then didn't lie down when it came to righting a wrong. She's definitely got an interesting spin to her.

I didn't mean to type something this long. I was just bored, couldn't sleep, and thought I would drop some personal thought/help into this topic. I'm always glad to discuss things of this nature with people, mostly because there is no one way to doing it...

Have fun with your creativity.

Edited December 8, 2009 by Numbahs

[Jimmy]

Cheers for taking the time out for that. When/if I get something done, I'll share it on here (Y)

[Numbahs]

One bit of advice...

I would suggest working on one thing at a time. Some people can do it. I definitely can't.

I think it's much better to plow through something, finish it, and let it sit while you work on the next thing. I have a lot of projects open right now as a result of working according to my daily mood. It has really stunted my progress. Sure, things are getting done, but once sequence at a time.

I have four feature-length screenplays, two spec television episodes, multiple outlines for original series and a partridge in a pear tree going right now.

Don't be that guy.

[HeartlineTwist]

One bit of advice...

I would suggest working on one thing at a time. Some people can do it. I definitely can't.

I think it's much better to plow through something, finish it, and let it sit while you work on the next thing. I have a lot of projects open right now as a result of working according to my daily mood. It has really stunted my progress. Sure, things are getting done, but once sequence at a time.

I have four feature-length screenplays, two spec television episodes, multiple outlines for original series and a partridge in a pear tree going right now.

Don't be that guy.

Agreed. I have a feature length screenplay that is still getting cleaned up and what I counted as TWELVE ideas that I think are good enough to develop. I've started writing bits of some of them in my very informal, non-screenwriting way, but still being in college kind of puts a damper on the writing aspect. That, and I'm taking a Playwriting Workshop course next semester toward my Creative Writing Minor, so I don't want to burn myself out. But, with that said, I'm fairly excited about the things I have going on.

As a word of advice that I've read in I think every book I have, when you do finish something and get it in the sort of condition where you think it can go off somewhere, it's a good idea to have either another screenplay waiting in the wings or to have a pitch for another screenplay because if they like the writing but not the script (or even if they like the script), they might be interested in whatever else you have.

[Gene Kiniski]

I have actually been reading a screenplay to help me out. Reading the writing portion behind a movie that I know fairly well seems to provide decent insight for me.

I think that just for the heck of it I am going to use the plot machine on Script Frenzy and write for whatever idea it gives me. It'll keep it unique and force me to use that extra effort and creativity.

[EDIT] Another random idea I had is a group effort mock screenplay. It would take a good bit of time to complete, but what if a few of us got together and worked on a single piece? We could pass it around from member to member and write it in sections. Just for fun and to help each other out.

[DOUBLE EDIT] http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay

Good points.

Edited December 14, 2009 by Gene Kiniski

[Gene Kiniski]

Double post:

Would anyone with some experience be willing to glance over about three pages for me so I can get some feedback before I'm too far in?