The BVS WWE: 2004-05

[SpiceDawg]

I love this diary. Probably tied with JHS' WCW '93 for my favourite. You do a really good job of capturing the feel of WWE but making it a lot better then WWE. Unlike most people, I really enjoy the Molly push. A lot. Considering what she has been through in this diary, her getting a World Title match is quite the pay off. It could lead to quite the feel good moment. I have to admit I'm guilty of rooting for Molly even though I'm sure there is no chance she'll win this thing.

I'm impressed with the way you've been pushing Jericho. He is such a bigger star in this reality then the real WWE. You've definitely made Jericho a legit main eventer. I'm digging the feud with Evolution. I hope there is a Jericho v. Beniot match in the near future.

No Triple H? Man, has he ever sunk low. Fighting women and then not even on the show.

Looking forward to the build to Rumble.

[Blehschmidt]

Another good show there Dukes. It may not seem like much after that PPV, but it accomplished what it needed too.

I WANT A HALLAROONIE DAMN IT!!!!

Looking forward to the Rumble.

[oldskool]

Could we see a "If Molly loses, she never wrestles a man again" stipulation to knock her out of the ME ranks for good?

Definitely looking forward to the Rumble.

[Troy Maskell]

Again I must make the usual pre-criticism speech of Duke's diary by saying I was never a fan of the Molly Holly storyline and subsequent push to begin with and if you believe this shows bias on my behalf so be it.

Once again I really hope this match finishes the Molly Holly push. To be truthful I've only really been paying attention to the Smackdown side of things cause I'm fed up with Raw and the Molly Holly "Blowjob" (Before anyone attacks me. I mean it as in a push as a result of sympathy, not as an attack of what she had to do with Darren) push. And putting her in a World Title match? That is WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS that I won't even begin to put forth my disgust at that. Let's just say if Molly won the title, even if it was for a "Jericho" reign. Then I'd be done with this diary.

[The Third Dukes]

Yeah, I know, Troy, I know. But I think you need to relax. I think.

Oh, and SpiceDawg... let's just say there are very good reasons for HHH's current position. And leave it at that.

*****

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Dec. 17 / 04, taped Dec. 15.

- From Nashville, TN.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and James E. Cornette.

- Opening match, Royal Rumble Qualifier: Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar v. Konnan and Road Dogg. Oh, this just can't go well for anyone involved. Unless they're former amateur wrestling champions. But hey, at least it gets us our Kurt Angle quota. Former champs annihilate the Kru to start, suplexing them in tandem before Brock runs both men over. Kurt tries an ankle lock early on, but Dogg breaks it up and DDTs Kurt. Konnan gets the carpetmuncher on Brock, but Dogg's shaky kneedrop is interrupted by a Kurt overhead suplex. That gets two. Brock with a series of gutwrenches and a Steinerline for two. Kurt back in, and he tries the rolling Germans, only to get mule kicked and hit with a desperation clothesline. Brock cuts off the hot tag, and the slaughter continues, as he hits the F-5 and tags in Kurt for the Pop-Up Superplex. Dogg is just being mugged here. Konnan runs in with a swinging neckbreaker on Angle, but that gets him sent out and Brock drops Dogg right on his head with a release German suplex. Ankle Lock finishes at 6:32. Always nice to see two guys look like they're having fun killing someone. *3/4

- Eddie says it all comes full circle at the Royal Rumble. He wants to know if Matt is still hungry, if he's still riding the emotion... or if this time, the roles truly HAVE reversed. Eddie says he'll be a 2-time champion, and I'm not one to disagree. A reader e-mailed me pointing out that if they build this match as the one that defines Hardy's career it might work, but I think they don't want to put Matt over Eddie twice, and they REALLY don't want to write him off.

- WWE Tag Team Titles: Pure Energy v. Jonathan Bradshaw and Bull Buchanan. As soon as I saw the pairing I winced. Not because it'll be a bad match -- Buchanan is getting good, and Pure Energy are decent at carrying -- but because I knew just what the result would be and that I would hate it. RTC bull-rushes to start, but London ducks Bradshaw and gets a rana, sending him packing. With Bull isolated, a double dropkick and Spin Doctor get two as they go for the quick pin. Dropsault, but Bradshaw returns and runs over London. Double spinebuster crushes him and gets Bull two as London becomes YOUR face-in-peril. Bull with the rebound lariat for two. Body-vice gutbuster gets two. Bradshaw in, and he pounds on London with some CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN', TONY before he fires off a suplex and fallaway slam for two. Clothesline from Somewhere-or-other gets two. Bull in, and a big boot and legdrop gets two, brother. Flying legdrop misses, hot tag Nova. Dropkicks to both men, and the RTC regroups, allowing Nova to hit a tope as London does a springboard plancha. Nice. Back in, London hits the Contra Code on Bull, but gets run over by the Lariat. Nova tries to catch Bradshaw by surprise, but he gets powerbombed for two. It's BONZO GONZO as London rolls Bradshaw up for two. Nova tries the Kryptonite Krunch, but Bull blocks and tosses him in a 25-story backdrop. London hits the London Bridge, but Steven distracts the ref and Bradshaw adds a beltshot. RTC do a neat double-team I can best describe as a guillotine powerbomb, and that gets the pin and the titles at 11:04. How predictable. **3/4 RVD and Hurricane protest and get mugged as well.

- WWE United States Title: Nathan Jones v. Ron Simmons. Jones mugs Simmons to start, pounding him down and stomping away. He tries for a slam, but Simmons blocks and shoulderblocks Jones. Clothesline and he punches away, but Jones slaps Simmons and gets an uppercut. Big boot gets two. Backfist gets two. Jones sends Simmons for the ride, but a blind charge misses and the Angry Man Spinebuster gets two. Simmons slams Jones down and hits an elbowdrop, then just pounds away. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, but Jones grabs him and gets a military press, launching Simmons into the ref. Simmons tries to revive the ref as Jones goes out for a chair. He returns, but Simmons ducks and catches Jones in the powerslam. No ref, so Simmons gets the chair as Shannon Ward runs in and attacks Simmons. Simmons threatens her as a second ref comes in and throws the match out at 7:00 or so. Seemed like a pointless exercise until later in the show. *

- Undertaker. Still creepy. Still asking Kidman to choose. Yeah.

- An important message from the Prime Minister cuts off the RVD/Morley match just as it's being introduced, and I make a note to vote for the Reformists in the next election. RVD wins, according to spoilers.

- Roddy Piper announces the card for the USO show in Iraq next week:

* WWE United States Title: Nathan Jones v. Ron Simmons

* Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio v. World's Greatest Tag Team

* Ultimo Dragon v. Kenzo Suzuki

* 3 Live Kru v. Right To Censor

* Paul London v. Evan Karagias

- Damn, almost makes me want to enlist.

- WWE Heavyweight Title match: Matt Hardy v. Ron Killings. Matt and Killings both threaten to use their belts to start, but the ref takes them away and Matt attacks from behind. Gutwrench suplex gets two. German gets two. Killings gets a swinging neckbreaker when Matt puts his head down, and a sunset flip gets two. Matt bails, and Killings follows with a baseball slide. Back in the ring, Killings tries a front suplex, but Matt blocks and hits a DDT. Bossman slam and Twist of Fate finish at 4:55. No resting at all. **1/4

- Team Angle discuss next week as Kurt basically wishes them good luck.

- Main event, Royal Rumble Qualifier: Undertaker v. Mike Barton. Barton tries a quick series of rights, but Taker fires back with soupbones and OF COURSE outboxes the boxer. Barton waits on the outside, where Taker follows and tosses him into the post. Back in, boot and legdrop gets two, broth... damn, already used that joke. Geez, you think Mark would get his own material by now. Anyway, chokeslam threatens to finish, but Barton goes low and slams Taker down. Fistdrop gets two. Barton gets a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. Boxing sequence sets up a Diamond Cutter for two. Barton gets ticked and climbs to the top, attempting to drop a fist on Taker's head, but Taker hits him with a boot. Soupbones in the corner and an OLD SCHOOL follows. Leaping clothesline, chokeslam, and Tombstone finish Barton off at 7:54. Slow. *1/4

The Bottom Line:

If the Rumble has any issues being built up, I've missed it. No Kidman this week, no Rey, no Edge... just a bizarre time all around, really. It's like they know the Royal Rumble sells itself and they can put the thing on autopilot.

Autopilot... I should try that sometime... ah, who am I kidding, I already do.

[DonaldMick]

Unless Smackdown moved to a major network in the past few months, the Prime Minister wouldn't be interrupting Smackdown. And if he did, they probably wouldn't cut back to it. Just a thought.

And the REFOOOOOOOOOORM Party (I love that word REFOOOOOOORM) has been dead for years.

Boo @ no RVD/Morley and RTC getting the tag belts. Dat's not kewl.

As far as Benoit/Molly goes - I'm sure we've all seen in the past that when Vince McMahon has a good horse, he'll ride it beyond the point of exaustion. But I honestly don't think they'd put Molly over because a heel always goes into Mania with the belt. So at the Rumble, Molly's going to get whupped. Hard. Maybe Benoit can debut Rolling DRAGON Suplexes?

- Donald

PS: Dukes's new title = :thumbsup:

[The Third Dukes]

Okay, you and I both know nothing ever happens in Iraq. It's a glorified house show.

So here were the results from this week -- since Virch took the week off for vacation and, like I said, nothing important happens.

Well, ALMOST nothing.

RAW:

* Sting defeated René Dupree.

* Tracy won a bikini contest over Alexis Laree, Gail Kim, and Lucille LaChienne... sort of. Randy Orton (hosting the event on RNN) declared Kim the winner, which led to Tracy and Gail getting in a catfight. Orton then turned his attention to Laree (who protested his ruling, Tracy being too classy to do it). Jericho cut him off, and a match was made.

* Booker T and Scott Hall defeated Michael Shane and David Flair.

* Shawn Michaels defeated Triple H.

* Chris Jericho defeated Randy Orton.

SmackDown!:

* Ultimo Dragon defeated Kenzo Suzuki by DQ.

* 3 Live Kru defeated Right To Censor.

* Paul London was sick and didn't make the trip, so Evan Karagias bragged about what a great guy he was. Santa Claus (a very, VERY big Santa) emerged to hand out presents to everyone. Evan asked for his present, and Santa gave him a rock of coal. Shannon Moore then came out and told Santa a mistake was made, but Santa just shrugged. So Mattitude beat him down and left him laying... until Santa got back up, shook off the cobwebs, and revealed he was really Hulk Hogan. Boots and legdrops ensued.

* Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio defeated World's Greatest Tag Team.

So yeah, nothing much happened here, and that's why I feel justified fast-forwarding to the next couple weeks. Jam and SS are working on their prizes, and they can take as long as they want. I'll go back and throw them in when they're ready, as a DVD presentation.

So, let's just move on to the Rumble build... oh, wait, I forgot, there's another match!

WWE United States Title match: Nathan Jones (champion) vs. Ron Simmons (challenger)

Simmons crotches Jones as he steps over the top rope, then punches away at his chest. Simmons sends Jones into the ropes, hitting him with a shoulderblock on the way out. Simmons drops to his knees and headbutts Jones, who rolls to the outside. Simmons follows, but Jones reverses a whip and sends Simmons into the post.

Jones rolls Simmons back into the ring and waits for him to get up, then lands an uppercut to back Simmons into the ropes. He tosses Simmons for the ride, hitting him with a big boot on the way back. Jones covers for two. Jones picks Simmons up over his head and press slams him to the mat. He covers, but again he gets two. Jones backs Simmons up in the corner, but Simmons punches out and reverses. Simmons gets a series of shoulder thrusts in the corner.

Simmons whips Jones into the opposite corner and charges, but Jones punches him in the face. Simmons gets up as Jones bounces off the ropes, looking to Punt Simmons. Simmons avoids it, and when Jones turns to boot him, Simmons catches him in the Angry Man Spinebuster. He covers for two. Simmons goes to the top, trying for the diving shouldertackle, but Jones socks him out of midair. He covers for two.

Jones sets Simmons up and bounces off the ropes, looking to Punt Simmons, but Simmons catches him and powerslams him instead. He hooks the leg, and it gets a three count for the title change.

WINNER and NEW WWE United States champion: Ron Simmons (5:46)

So the next you say nothing happens at a house show...

See you when we come back to regularly scheduled plotlines and such.

[DoubleX]

Isn't this the second time the US title has changed hands at a house show?

[Jam]

Did you get me PM I sent Dukes regarding the show?

[K.O.T.W]

WINNER and NEW WWE United States champion: Ron Simmons (5:46)

Edited February 8, 2005 by K.O.T.W

[Steve Corino]

I like Simmons with the US title. Here's hoping that they have a presentation on SD with a different design belt, because the real WWE US title sucks. Bring back the old school design, Dukes!

But I really hope that it won't turn into Bradshaw defeating Simmons for the title. But what would DA2k4 think about yet ANOTHER big guy holding the US title now? Either I think too far into it, or you are damn good at producing the unforseen drama!

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarK DVD Review(s) for WWE Best of 2004

- Okay, this is two separate shows on three separate discs in one nice glossy package. Now you can find out for yourself which brand is better. I mean, we all know MY vote -- the one with the Canadians on it.

Disc 1: The Programs.

RAW:

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and Diamond Dallas Page.

- They start by talking about the Molly Holly saga, as DDP compliments her on being a strong individual.

- Christian mentions how hard it was to play the heel without getting into stereotypes.

- Molly says the whole year has been psychologically helpful, and that she can't comment on what else is going on pending legal proceedings. Oops.

- "Be a Diva" highlights from May, as Molly is saved from potential humiliation by the Rock. This leads to...

- Badd Blood, where Molly defeats Christian for the I-C title and gives us the Markout Moment of the Year.

- JR mentions Triple H, causing DDP to do a "Good Thing, Bad Thing" on independence.

- Trish Stratus and Tracy talk about how their friendship nearly fell apart over a guy.

- Triple H spews venom.

- From June, Trish and Tracy argue over the Badd Blood finish. This was the first sign things were going wrong.

- Fast forward to Unforgiven, as Trips loses to Rhyno after running into Trish, literally. Backstage, Tracy of course stirs the pot.

- From RAW prior to MSG, Triple H tries to apologize with flowers, but Tracy steals them and hilarity ensues.

- Survivor Series, where Trips finally has enough of these two arguing and beats them both up, losing the match but gaining a small dose of self-respect. That set up...

- Armageddon, where Trips wins a handicap match against the both of them.

- Page mentions Randy Orton's rise to stardom, and JR wonders if 2005 will be his year.

- Orton talks about beating up legends so that they'll retire, even dropping Kevin Nash's name.

- Shawn Michaels puts over Orton as the future, but reminds us the future isn't now.

- Sting speaks of his six-month feud, saying that after that long, you come to respect someone.

- Orton doesn't respect Sting. Funny cut there.

- From WrestleMania, Shawn Michaels beats Sting with Mick Foley as the referee. They all make nice afterwards.

- Highlights of Backlash, as Sting and HBK defeat Evolution 3-on-2 and the crowd boos them out of the building. This came to a crescendo...

- The next night in Calgary, Orton and Michaels go nuts on RNN and get the crowd in Bret's hometown to cheer MICHAELS. Go figure.

- SummerSlam, where Sting beats Orton with help from Chris Harris. Odd choice here, going with this and not Unforgiven, although I guess I can understand given the blood quota on free TV.

- Eric Bischoff stops by the announce position and talks up how great Evolution is.

- Bischoff's "Ruthless Aggression" comments from RAW after Unforgiven are shown.

- Chris Jericho mentions how emotional things were for him this year, and how getting the World Title meant everything.

- Chris Benoit also puts over how important the title is.

- Chris Jericho appears on RNN and makes fun of Randy Orton in many funny ways.

- SummerSlam, where Benoit screws over Mondo and Dreamer in hyperdramatic fashion, while Jericho defeats Rhyno and becomes World Champion. Benoit's actions led to...

- Unforgiven, where we see tasteful highlights of the Benoit/Orton LMS match.

- On to Survivor Series and the Elimination Chamber, as we get the Benoit/Jericho finish.

- And finally, the RAW Match of the Year, form Armageddon, the Iron Man match. Just highlights, of course, as there's no way this would've fit in a two-hour show. Finish is of course Jericho trying the dragon suplex hold for the pin, only to suffer a double pin instead.

- JR, Eric, and DDP promise us more excitement in 2005 and plug the Royal Rumble a lot.

SmackDown!:

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and James E. Cornette.

- Cole puts over the Piper Administration as being the kind of unpredictable behavior wrestling fans like. Can't argue there.

- Highlights of Steve Austin introducing Roddy Piper, making sure to beat up Steven Richards in the process.

- From April 15, Richards gets audited at Piper's request.

- From November, Piper makes Matt Hardy defend against Ron Simmons and tells the story of how Simmons beat Vader. The Matt v. Simmons match is not shown in the program, though.

- Cole talks about how the tag team division may have been the strongest in history, with Team JAPAN, Brock and Kurt, Kidman, and Rey, and so on. This sets up...

- WrestleMania XX and the SuperCage, as we see basically a highlight reel (not that there was much else) of the craziest spotfest in a long time. Kidman's double shooting star press has become the stuff of legend.

- Cornette brings up how this may have been the best day in Kidman's life, because it would be downhill from there soon after.

- From May, Nathan Jones threatens to annihilate Torrie with a chair, but Undertaker intercedes in a direct ripoff of the Savage/Roberts angle that turned Taker face the first time.

- From Judgment Day, Taker and Torrie show up as undead zombies and make Shannon Ward think they're weird. And that's saying something.

- From October, Undertaker asks for a shot at Matt, but Kidman wants his wife back and gets destroyed.

- Two weeks later, Kidman notices Torrie in some dark ritual and goes nuts.

- The next week, Kidman and Taker are teammates and Taker leaves his partner for Mattitude to finish off.

- Eddie Guerrero gets involved, as he tells Kidman to stop being a pansy and move on. This leads the two to a HUGE brawl in the ring, which Undertaker interrupts as he wipes them both out.

- The next week, Taker says he will bring Kidman to Torrie... but on Taker's terms.

- Two weeks later, Eddie beats both men and gets a shot at Matt at the Rumble, which leads to...

- Royal Rumble talk.

- Cole then argues that it wasn't all bad for Kidman, as he had a long tag title reign. This leads to...

- Judgment Day, where Kidman and Rey upset Team JAPAN in a ladder match. This would have been great in and of itself, but...

- They then proceed to TOP it against World's Greatest Tag Team in a rematch from the previous year's Vengeance that was even BETTER than the first time around. How's that for scary?

- Cornette notes that there's one force they haven't talked about: Team Angle.

- From March, the team is reunited with Eric Angle on board.

- To May, where a potential Kidman/Rey v. Maximos match is stopped when Team Angle beats everyone up. Brock Lesnar then is introduced as the newest team member.

- Fast-forward to June, where Kurt and Brock enter the ring after a ****1/4 Kidman/Rey v. Maximos match and beat everyone up, including special ref Mick Foley. Kurt would get his comeuppance, though...

- On to WarGames, where Eric Angle finally quits the team in a huff as they fight in the Bingo Hall. The mutants, of course, love it.

- To November, where Piper's Pit makes a one-shot return and both Angle Brothers talk trash.

- Cole promises that when they meet, it'll be a great match. But that the greatest match of the year had to be at WrestleMania.

- Highlights of Kurt v. Eddie for the WWE Title. It's a great match, so we get the last 10 minutes or so. The full match is in the extras, thank heaven.

- Cole wraps things up.

The Bottom Line (subtotal):

The usual recap show, as we see what will likely be important to start 2005, but who cares about that? We have EXTRAS to view!

Disc 2: The Extras, RAW:

- First, an Easter Egg: go to the Language menu, select Francais and press right to bring up a French flag icon. Select it to get Sylvain Grenier's outstandingly funny interview where Booker T sabotages the subtitles.

- RNN with Christian, Molly Holly, and Eric Bischoff. From my review, as all of these will be: Molly looks like she's getting flashbacks. Christian informs Molly that she'll be fired on the spot if she fails to comply, and that no one outside of this show wants her. He even goes so far as to claim Molly hit Benoit on purpose because she WANTED to be a Diva. MAJOR heel heat for that. Molly protests, but to no avail, so she begins dancing -- nervously. Christian cuts her off and tells her she's holding back, then realizes what's missing -- a stripper's pole. Christian is being SUCH a dick right now. This is awesome. We get the obligatory Eric Bischoff / Gold Club reference before Molly approaches the pole. This time, Orton says he knows what's missing... and the three of them stuff money down where her G-string would be. Oh, that's just COLD. Molly begins crying from humiliation (HEY! THERE'S NO CRYING IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!), and Christian turns the bullying up another notch. WWE Divas are supposed to show flesh and not wrestle, he says. I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments. And oh by the way, you can stop looking for someone to be your knight in shining armor, because it's Bischoff's show, no one can save her, no one can stop this...

- ...and CUE THE ROCK! Now THAT'S how you make an entrance! Rock picks Molly's spirits up, even singing to her (awww). Bischoff tries to remind the Rock who's in charge here, but the Rock reminds HIM who's in charge. Rock pauses here to do his "FINALLY" line (gargling and doing breathing exercises as a warmup -- awesome), then reminds Bischoff that Rock's on the Board of Governors and outranks him. Bischoff pulls out the black belt bit. Rock: "In what? Strudel-fu?" Even Molly can't keep a straight face now. Rock calls Christian a "creepy bastard" and declares that Molly doesn't have to do anything Christian wants her to until the end of time. Or until Christian loses his virginity, whichever comes first. Christian's double-take is priceless. Oh, and it's Molly v. Christian at Badd Blood, too. Orton gets in Rock's face, which is really a diversion so Christian can attack. Sting appears to take Orton out of the equation, and Rock makes the comeback and kicks Christian's ass. Then, Molly delivers a low blow to Bischoff that damn near takes the roof off of the building! Bischoff's sell job is just glorious to watch, too. Christian chases after Molly but runs into ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! And then the best part: Rock tosses Christian onto the previously-cleared Spanish table, and Molly goes up top, rips up the dollars they stuffed in her pants, and DELIVERS THE MOTHERLOVING MACHO MAC ELBOW ON CHRISTIAN THROUGH THE TABLE! The crowd is absolutely going apesh*t right now. Rock picks Molly up and carries her on his shoulders in the ring as the show ends.

- Intercontinental Title: Christian v. Molly Holly. Molly is UNGODLY over as they do the staredown. DDP pre-emptively apologizes for dropping the professionalism and being a cheerleader. Christian wins a lockup and slaps Molly around. Molly gets pissed and chokes away, but Christian tosses her off. Headlock and punches by Christian, and he dropkicks her. Caveman hair drag to the corner leads to some chopping, but Christian is unsuccessful and getting Molly's shirt off. We've all been there. Molly uses the FINGERNAILS OF DOOM to get Christian away, then punches away to a HUGE pop. Twisting armbar, but Christian shoves her off and gets a flapjack for two. Hairpull slam and Christian tosses Molly, adding a sliding kick for good measure. Molly visits the ringpost twice, and back in, the ARROGANT COVER~! gets two before Molly reverses to an ANKLELOCK~! The crowd is going NUTS at this point as Christian scrambles to the ropes. Short clothesline by Molly, and a missile dropkick gets two. Ten punch countalong and DDT gets two. Christian runs Molly over with a bodypress for two. The ladies in the crowd are screeching at everything in this match. It's like a boy band concert in there. Powerslam gets two. Christian tries a corner charge but takes the Holy Shit Bump instead to pop the crowd HUGE. Christian walks (haven't I seen this before?) so the ref does the "get in by 10 or forfeit the title" bit (this looks familiar). This time, though, Chynna Doll emerges from behind the referee (who is dramatically counting Christian) and powerbombs Molly. Christian saunters in and covers, but he stalled too long and only gets two. Rear Naked Stretch is reversed to a Diamond Cutter (complete with sound effect from DDP) for the Double KO. Chynna calls the ref's attention to her tossing Christian the belt, and Christian smacks Molly with it for the DQ at 11:44. Oh, God, they DID go through with it. This is basically the same finish they did last year, at the same PPV, with the same Intercontinental Champion, and the same false cheap finish in between.

- So at this point, the crowd is chanting "Bullsh*t" and I'm warming up the pokers, but AUSTIN~! emerges and says the match MUST CONTINUE. No DQ, no countout, and everyone banned from ringside. Chynna protests, so Austin goes KICK WHAM STUNNER on her to send her packing. The match restarts with Christian beating up Molly and getting a DDT. He gets a second beltshot for two. Christian begins whipping Molly with the belt as the match (in context) gets mildly disturbing and realistic. Christian forces himself on Molly, which wakes her up, pisses her off, and causes her to go choke-happy. Low kick and handspring elbow by Molly, and she sets up -- and connects with -- the SHATTERED DREAMS~! as the place is going ballistic. Molly-Go-Round follows, but it only gets two. The crowd, the announcers, my friends, myself, and pretty much the entire world assumed that was the finish. Christian hits a rabbit punch and takes time to loosen a turnbuckle. He chops Molly right across her boobs, being a total absolute dick. Into the exposed turnbuckle goes Molly, and an Unprettier follows. This time, though, Christian makes sure to cover missionary-style (which the announcers don't pick up on) and Molly is up at two. Christian steals Lilian Garcia's chair, making sure to nail her with it on the way in, and Molly eats a chairshot for two. The crowd is absolutely having a heart attack right now. Caveman drag to the chair, and Christian sets up a piledriver, but he takes too long fondling her (tell it like it is) and Molly reverses to a wrist clutch suplex with bridge for the pin and the title at 21:44 as the crowd absolutely blows the roof off the joint. **1/2

- Tracy v. Victoria. From the RAW after Badd Blood. Okay, it's apparently Nice Victoria this week. A reader emailed me and said that Victoria actually IS consistent in character -- that character being a schizo tweener. It's an interesting idea, to say the least. Not necessarily GOOD or anything, but interesting. Lockup and clean break. Lockup and Victoria with a headlock, but Tracy reverses to rana. Armdrag by Victoria, and we reach a stalemate. Round 2: Victoria returns the clean break, and the two get into a quasi-amateur pinning thing that gets Tracy two. Victoria tries a suplex, but Tracy with a German for two. Tracy goes up top but gets slammed off for two, and back to a stand-off. Round 3: Armdrag by Victoria, but Tracy unloads the CANADIAN VIOLENCE (betcha didn't know that one before Bad Blood). Blind charge falls into a bodypress by Victoria for two. Victora sends Tracy across the ring, but Tracy vaults onto the turnbuckle and hits Pie in the Sky to win at 5:25. Certainly a taste of something different, if totally boring. *1/2 This is on here so you can hear the announcers talk of the early tension the two had.

- Rhyno v. HHH. From Unforgiven, and the crowd is burned out from the Last Man Standing match. HHH learns his lesson from Backlash and comes out first, but Rhyno still tries to attack during the entrance, but HHH senses that and turns to clock him. Fun little callback. HHH continues with the EVIAN SPEW OF DOOM in Rhyno's face, followed by a clothesline. HHH pounds away (overshooting Rhyno's head -- way to make your monster heel look bad, Hunter), but Rhyno gets an atomic drop and shoulderblock. Rhyno pounds away, but HHH blasts him to break. Rhyno with shoulder thrusts in the corner as Trish bounces to ringside. HHH USES THE KNEE~! to cut Rhyno off, and a facecrusher gets two. Rhyno reverses a whip and sends HHH tumbling to the outside, landing on Trish. HHH apologizes, but Tracy tells HHH to continue the match and she'll get Trish. HHH re-enters and walks into a GOAR GOAR GOAR for the pin at 4:35. The match was basically an excuse to get these two on the card and to start the angle. 1/2*

- An Easter Egg: highlight the HHH/Awesome Survivor Series match and press right, and you'll get the Lady Liberty bikini contest from MSG, where Trish threatens to flash the audience but is sadly stopped.

- Sylvain Grenier, Lucille LaChienne, Valerie, and Mike Awesome v. Maven, Tracy, Trish Stratus and Triple H. From Survivor Series. Maven starts the match (after a hissy fit with the girls) by rolling Lucille up for two. Grenier objects and slams Maven for two before we HIT THE CHINLOCK. Maven powers out, and HHH enters. A dropkick into USE OF THE KNEE~! leads to an elbowdrop for the pin at 2:17. That's right, an ELBOWDROP. And here I thought it would be a clothesline. I mean, doesn't that just define the bottom of the jobber barrel right there, win a simple transition move like an elbowdrop pins you? I mean, yeah, it's Survivor Series tradition for somebody to lose to a transition move, but usually it's something with a tad more bite than THAT. Awesome enters, and a the two start firing off haymakers like Ali and Frazier. But without the scientific skill. Or contact. But that's an industry secret. Anyway, Awesome gets the knockdown, so Maven tags in and fires away. Awesome runs Maven over with a clothesline, but doesn't cover. Dude, it's SURVIVOR SERIES. Anyway, powerbomb gets two as Awesome picks him up and delivers the Classic Awesome Bomb for three at 5:11. Everyone runs in again (except Valerie) and the men tumble to the outside. Miscommunication causes another argument, and this time HHH breaks it up, only to Pedigree Tracy and slam down Trish before walking away (lest he job to Mike Awesome, you see). Valerie covers Tracy at 8:52, Lucille pins Trish at 9:19, and HHH is counted out at 9:56. HHH then tells both women off in a post-match interview, officially making himself the story of the match at the expense of the monster push for Awesome. That divorce can't be finalized fast enough. 1/2*

- HHH v. Trish Stratus and Tracy. From Armageddon, and please, WWE, I'm begging you: let Tracy have her last name back! The women tease being lesbians before charging HHH, who no-sells a clothesline. Tracy tries a sleeper, which does nothing until Trish adds a low blow to knock HHH over. Tracy stays on top, but HHH starts trying to kick away to get her off his back and it's RIDE EM COWGIRL! YEEHAW! Sadly, she does not last the full 8 seconds, and therefore the match must continue. Lariat by HHH, and Tracy does the Bret Hart bump for two. HHH USES THE KNEE~! for two. Suplex sets up the Pedigree, but Tracy goldbricks, low blows, and ranas HHH in that order. Hot tag Trish, who dives in with a headscissors. Stratusfaction and she goes back up, but a splash hits the knees. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE to Trish, then another one to Tracy for good measure, then he pins Trish at 6:51, because (1) she's legal and (2) she's dead from the Pedigree, which as we all know knocks you out for five minutes straight. Not that HHH should have lost this, but he didn't seem to interested in playing ball at the very least. Match was basically a squash. DUD

- Easter Egg alert! Select the WrestleMania match and press right to get the RNN after WrestleMania, where Randy Orton demands that Sting retire, back when this was a new angle.

- Sting v. Shawn Michaels. From WrestleMania XX, and Mick Foley is YOUR special referee, as he comes out to a HUGE pop. Lockup and clean break by both men to establish it's face/face. Sting gets a series of armdrags and howls to the crowd. Shawn headscissors Sting to the outside, then jumps on him. Back in, Shawn with a suplex, but Sting avoids the elbow. Sting gets a Russian legsweep for two. Back suplex for two. Shawn pulls out a sunset flip for two. Into the corner, and Shawn takes the Holy Shit Bump v2.0 to the outside. Sting sends him back in, then hits a ten-story back drop for two. Where's the fountain of youth these guys found? Shawn rolls outside, but a baseball slide misses. Shawn gets a hurricanrana and vaults off the guardrail. No, really, they don't *look* 15 years younger. Suplex by Shawn, and he cues the band. Sting catches, then delivers the Scorpion Deathlock. Shawn reverses, but right next to the ropes. La Majistral gets two for Shawn. Sting with a release German suplex, then tries consecutive verticals, but Shawn cradles on the third for two. Shawn now with a German suplex with bridge for two as I momentarily worry it's a double-pin spot. Shawn flips in the corner, and Sting gets a superplex for two. Shawn trips Sting and slaps on a figure-four, even whooing like Flair. Sting tries to reverse to the Scorpion, but the whole thing’s a mess and they go to the ropes. The two chop away, and Shawn wins that. Ten punch countalong, and a monkey flip gets two. Sting reverses a corner whip and lands a Stinger Splash, but a second Splash is intercepted in midair (sort of) with the Sweet Chin Music for the pin at 13:52. ***1/4 Everyone shakes hands and forms a mutual admiration society afterward.

- World Tag team titles: Evolution v. Sting and Shawn Michaels. Sting gets a mixed reaction, HBK is booed out of the building, and Evolution gets a face pop. Sting uses CLUBBING FOREARMS on Shane to start (after HBK distracts), and a Stinger Splash makes Shane bail straight to HBK who shows the family love and sends Shane to the STEEL steps. See, he doesn't even treat his nephew with respect. Clearly he's a bad person. Shane with a crossbody, and it's BONZO GONZO until we're left with HBK and Orton. Orton pounds on HBK as the crowd chants his name (freaky). HBK with the Flair Flip, and Shane backdrops his uncle off the top, continuing the family love. Batista enters with a press slam for two. At this point, HBK and Sting figure out they're gonna have to play the heels, and everyone goes outside to stall for time until the word gets around. Back in, Batista wins a LOCKUP OF DOOM with HBK, then hiptosses him to the face... heel... er, Evolution corner. Shane in, and he gets a dropkick. HBK sends Shane flying to the outside to make him YOUR <insert disposition here>-in-peril. Sting adds to it by choking Shane with his bat. Back in, it gets two. Kneebar by HBK as the crowd begins a HUGE "You Screwed Bret" chant. Great, now the WWE will play that up for the next 15 years. Sting in with a shinbreaker for two. Half-crab, but Shane with an enzuigiri to break. Sting stops the tag, though, and gets a back body drop. HBK with the figure-four (as Orton and Batista tell Shane to quit so they can keep the titles), but Shane reverses. HBK makes the ropes. Sting keeps the offense with a suplex and elbowdrop for two. Scorpion Deathlock, which the crowd just HATES. Shane tries to make the bottom rope, but Sting pulls him back. HBK finally reminds Sting that getting Shane to lose does them no good, so Sting tags him in. HBK's Sweet Chin Music hits the turnbuckle, and Shane with a Flair Pin for two. Shane with a DDT, but Sting cuts off the tag as the announcers note that Shane's being hung out to dry here. German suplex gets two. Stinger splash try, but Shane ducks and Sting slams the post HARD, knocking him out. HBK knocks Shane out as well, but Orton sends HBK out and Batista tosses Sting onto Shane for the pin at 16:31, throwing the match but keeping the titles. Crowd chants "Bullshit" at that one. Great match, but it was BEGGING for ten more minutes and a better ending than that. ***1/4

- RNN time! He brags about being the champion, then introduces Shawn Michaels, who is booed out of the building. Shawn doesn't even bother with his music, pyro, dance, etc., which is interesting. Orton buries him as an old-timer, then mentions Bret as another old-timer and the crowd turns on a dime. He claims Montreal was a work (without breaking kayfabe) and that the only reason it was contrived was to secure Bret immortality in Canada. Orton claims Shawn is a disgrace to the business he grew up in. I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments. Bret's an old, decrepit man who is one bad bump away from a coma, too, sez Orton. The crowd is really pissed off right now. Shawn interrupts and tells Orton to stuff it as the crowd is totally confused. Shawn apologizes to Bret on-camera (he took out a full-page article in the Calgary Sun asking for forgiveness) as the crowd starts to applaud him. I don't get it. Orton calls Shawn a liar (he ain't the first) and claims Shawn will rot in hell (thankfully, they cut out the next line on the DVD). Shawn slaps the shit out of him for that comment and promises to win the titles back tonight for the Hart family. A donnybrook breaks out as Batista runs in, but Sting makes the save and demolishes the OrTron.

- Sting v. Randy Orton. There's about six guys at ringside right now as opposed to the one advertised, but whatever. Orton stalls to start, but Sting brings him back in with a suplex and keeps pounding him. Clothesline (HOWL), but Batista with a trip and Orton gets a cradle for two. Shoulderblock gets two. Play of the Day gets two. Sting recovers with a Stinger Splash, but on the second try Benoit pulls Orton aside. Benoit apologizes to the ref as Shane gets a superkick on Sting. It gets two. Orton misses his own Stinger Splash and Sting gets a German on the rebound for two. Benoit distracts the ref again as Batista enters with a Demon Bomb, and that sets Mondo off as he goes nuts on the outside. A huge brawl erupts, and Harris enters with a spear to Batista and the Catatonic to Orton to give Sting the win at 7:23. Typical lumberjack match. 3/4*

- RNN from May 10. He talks about a couple of washed-up has-beens, then brings out his guest: Y2J. Jericho immediately beings to talk circles around Orton, first by criticizing what Orton's done with the decor. He then proceeds to call him "Blandy" and mock his tone of voice, including pretending to fall asleep at one point. This may be Orton's bit, but this is RAW IS JERICHO! You tell him! Jericho then expands it to "Blandmaster Flash", which I just KNOW is going to be carried in as a sign by about 30 different marks next week, each one thinking they're totally original. Orton tries to intimidate Jericho physically (since he's CLEARLY not winning a war of words), so Jericho tackles Orton down, then systematically destroys the RNN set. Beautiful segment, as Jericho just absolutely trashed Orton in so many different ways I can't possibly do it justice.

- World Tag Team Titles: Nick Mondo and Tommy Dreamer v. Batista and Michael Shane. From SummerSlam, as Benoit is the referee. They get it out of the way right off the bat, as Shane cradles Mondo with the tights and Benoit quick counts him at 0:19 for the title change. Not really a match, so no point rating it. Benoit then chops the bejeezus out of Dreamer to cement his heel turn, and Horsem... er, Evolution Beatdown #26B on Mondo follows. The heels turn their attention to Stacy (with camera angles trying to ignore that Stacy is actually 2-3 inches taller than Benoit), but Sting and Harris cut them off. And this segues into the Sting/Orton match earlier on the DVD.

- Main event, World Heavyweight Title: Rhyno v. Chris Jericho. From SummerSlam. Y2J is INSANELY over, even more so than Eddie. Wow. Rhyno charges but misses and Jericho goes nuts with chops and the facejam. Jericho works the neck before Rhyno sends him into the turnbuckle. Rhyno wraps Jericho's leg around the ropes as Hebner forces a break. Rhyno works the leg some more, hurling himself at it like a bowling ball. He stands on Jericho's knee and pulls up, but Jericho makes the ropes. Rhyno tosses Jericho's leg into the turnbuckles, followed with a flying legdrop to Jericho's leg. Jericho cuts off the leg onslaught with a series of CANADIAN VIOLENCE, into a snap suplex. Springboard dropkick connects, but Jericho tweaks the leg again. Rhyno tosses Jericho and preps the Spanish announce table. Jericho blocks Rhyno and they slug it out on the table before Rhyno gets a spinebuster through it. Back in the ring, GOAR GOAR GOAR... gets two?!? Rhyno is in shock as the crowd explodes in cheers and JR notes that it's the first time someone kicked out of that in months. Rhyno tries again, but Jericho kicks a charging Rhyno in the head WITH HIS BAD LEG, causing a double KO. Jericho with a hopping kneedrop for two. Jericho with a ground sleeper, but Rhyno powers to his feet. Jericho is sent in the ropes, but rebounds with a GOAR GOAR GOAR of his own! It gets two. Snap suplex, but the Lionsault causes leg-to-leg contact. Rhyno charges but eats the post, and Jericho pulls the double powerbomb out of mothballs to get the pin and the title at 13:09 as Toronto blows the roof off the place. Red hot crowd makes this match better than it should've been. ***1/4

- Last Man Standing: Nick Mondo v. Chris Benoit. From Unforgiven. Benoit has a huge bin full of chairs, so Mondo wheels out a half-dozen tables, which he leaves at the entranceway before charging the ring. LET THE HATRED BEGIN! Mondo pounds away on Benoit before clipping him and doing more pounding. Benoit fires back with CANADIAN VIOLENCE and slams Mondo's head into the turnbuckle. A slam, and Benoit opens the bidding by exposing the steel bolt. Mondo recovers and tries the rolling Germans on Benoit, but Benoit switches and gets two of his own before Mondo switches and sends Benoit into the bolt. Tilt-a-whirl slam gets a four-count. More stiffing, but Benoit BLASTS Mondo with a low blow and sends him into the STEEL bolt. They do a Tombstone reversal spot, which ends with Benoit hitting a shoulderbreaker and SNOT ROCKET OF DOOM. Benoit gets a chair he tossed into the ring and waffles Mondo with it, then smashes Mondo's head with the chair into the bolt. Mondo is down for five and blades. Benoit with a swing and a miss for strike one, and Mondo nails strikes two through 13 or so on Benoit's face. Sledgehammer Legdrop gets a five-count. To the outside, where Mondo eats stairs. Benoit nails Mondo with the steps, then stands on Mondo and drills him again in the head. That gets a seven-count. Mondo hits a big boot to sends the stairs into Benoit (who was carrying them like Kane always does, begging to get sent into them), and M.Bison off the apron gets a six-count. Benoit spears Mondo into the bin, but back in, Mondo jumps Benoit. He charges, but Benoit pulls the ropes down and sends Mondo into the bin. Benoit tells Patrick not to count (can he DO that?) and enters the bin. Mondo fires a chair into Benoit's face, and a second one. Benoit kicks Mondo low, then tosses him out of the bin, where Mondo lands with a thud on the stage. It gets a five-count before Benoit picks Mondo up. Mondo sends Benoit into the bin, then sees Abdullah the Butcher at ringside. Oh no. Abdullah hands over his cherished heirloom to Mondo, and Benoit gets totally forked up by Mondo. Back suplex onto the stage by Benoit stops the forking, and both men are down for seven. Benoit with more CANADIAN VIOLENCE, but he charges and takes a back body drop on the ramp for an eight-count. Mondo fishes a ladder out as Benoit's down and charges, but Benoit catches it and a tug-of-war breaks out, ended when Benoit lets go and Mondo propels himself backwards into the bin, taking the ladder to the stomach. I didn't think that worked outside of cartoons. Suplex on the ladder gets a nine-count for Benoit. Benoit gets the fork and uses it liberally on Mondo, as we're at a combined 1.5 Muta here and JR is a little uncomfortable. Mondo staggers around to the stage as Benoit follows. A slam on the ladder seems to finish, but Benoit gets arrogant and Mondo's up at nine, picking Benoit up for an Assault Driver on the stage and a double KO. Mondo's up at eight, Benoit at nine. Mondo with more shots to the head, then a slam and he climbs the ladder. Benoit catches Mondo coming off the ladder in the Crossface. Tapping does no good in a Last Man Standing match, so Benoit holds on until Mondo passes out. Benoit again doesn't want it over yet and climbs the ladder, looking for the swandive headbutt. It misses. Damn, didn't spinal fusion surgery teach Benoit anything? Mondo is up at seven and climbing, but Benoit's up at nine and following him up. Mondo stands on the lower edge of the Tron as Benoit joins him, and a slugfest erupts. Both men tease falling into the tables before Mondo gets a headbutt that nearly sends Benoit off the Tron. Mondo tries to stomp Benoit's hands, but Benoit grabs Mondo to pull himself back up. Mondo slugs away, then decides to up the insanity by climbing the Tron to the top. Benoit follows, and the two fight it out atop the Tron. Benoit wins that with a low blow, then delivers a MOTHERF*CKING POWERBOMB OFF THE TRON! Mondo freefalls through the tables (which were conveniently set up in a six-table pyramid), and that'll end the match at 25:41. Crowd chants "Holy Sh*t", and for once I agree. Benoit, ever the humanitarian, delivers another snot rocket as he walks to the back. Mondo is stretchered out, but gives the thumbs-up to the crowd. Awesome brawl. ***1/2

- Elimination Chamber III for the World title: Chris Jericho v. Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels v. Rhyno v. Molly Holly. As is tradition, the opponents enter in order of appearance. So Benoit and Jericho start. Molly seems a little claustrophobic in her pod. Benoit FLOORS Jericho with a chop and grabs an armbar, but both men tumble to the ropes. CANADIAN VIOLENCE breaks out, and Jericho loses but reverses a German to one of his own. Back suplex and ARROGANT COVER~! gets one, and Benoit gets pissed and hits a dragon screw and Sharpshooter. Jericho makes the ropes, but gets clubbed intoa hammerlock suplex. Diving headbutt misses, Lionsault misses, and Randy Orton is in. Orton gets a dropkick and Play of the Day, but misses a crossbody. Jericho pounds on Orton, but that draws Benoit in to flatten Jericho. Armlock by Benoit, with Orton adding some shots of his own, but Jericho won't tap. Orton tries a suplex, but Jericho blocks, but Orton blocks and Benoit aids him in suplexing Jericho. Both men go for the cover, and the alliance breaks down, allowing Jericho a dive for a triple KO as Shawn enters. Superkick for Orton, but Jericho suplexes Shawn for two, then covers Orton for two. Benoit gets a German for two. Orton draws blood on Shawn while Benoit beats Jericho up. Jericho flips out of a suplex and hits the Breakdown for two before Orton saves. Orton dropkicks Jericho into a Benoit cradle for two. Shawn returns with a five-arm to Orton and suplex to Benoit. Jericho cuts off the big elbow with a superplex, then Lionsaults everybody, covering Orton for two. Benoit punches away on Jericho as Rhyno joins us. Rhyno tries a double GOAR GOAR GOAR on Shawn and Orton, but misses both. Evolution gets a double armbar on Jericho, but Shawn breaks. Rhyno hits a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER on Benoit for two. Jericho punches Orton down, while Benoit gets Jericho in the rolling Germans for two. Rhyno with a press slam on Shawn and he stalks him, but Benoit clothesline a surprised Rhyno. Orton tries a figure-four, but Jericho cradles for two. Benoit and Jericho fight over submission holds while Shawn and Rhyno get a double KO. Orton licks his lips and moves in for the kill, but Molly is released and flies in like a bat out of Hell, RKOing Orton off the top for the pin at 20:36. Mwahahahahahahahaha. Benoit sees this and brutalizes Molly, so Shawn beats up Benoit and cues the band. Rhyno, however, steals a page from Benoit's book and hits the GOAR GOAR GOAR on an unsuspecting Shawn, getting the pin at 22:15. Learn from the best, I say. Jericho powerbombs Rhyno for two as Benoit completes the slaughter on Molly, hitting the SNOT ROCKET OF DEATH and a diving headbutt from atop the pod for the pin at 23:39. Wow, who'd Molly piss off? Rhyno takes a release German suplex from Benoit, who turns around and eats a missile dropkick from Jericho. Jericho takes a fan poll, and Rhyno wins a trip into the Walls. Benoit adds the Crossface as I get flashbacks to the glory days of May 2001, and Rhyno's tapping at 25:44, leaving us with Benoit and Jericho -- right back where we started. More CANADIAN VIOLENCE follows, and the two men go flying into the walls as Jericho blades. Benoit sends Jericho into a pod, but it doesn't break. He settles for a snap suplex before trying a different pod, but Jericho reverses it and Benoit crashes (and yes, this one DOES break). Back in the ring, Lionsault hits the knees, and the Crossface is on. Jericho's too close to the ropes, though, so Benoit tries to send Jericho into the corner. Jericho reverses, but his Stinger Splash is alley-ooped into the pod behind Benoit (breaking THAT as well) and Benoit gets the Flair Pin for the title at 31:02. Unnecessarily cheap finish that will probably set up a rematch like last year. This match had a bit of an identity crisis, but the first 15 minutes were unbelievably solid. ***

- Main event, Iron Man match, World Title: Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho. From Armageddon. Lockup and clean break by Jericho. Lockup and not-so-clean break by Benoit. Another lockup, and it leads to Benoit getting a back suplex. Jericho avoids a charge and begins the CANADIAN VIOLENCE! Who had 2:54 in the "when will the first chop be landed?" pool? Back elbow and Jericho works the leg. Benoit kicks away to break and converts a charge into the Crossface. Jericho makes the ropes. Benoit chops away at Jericho, but Jericho reverses and goes to town. THIS IS CANADA! Corner clothesline leads to a back suplex and ARROGANT COVER~! for two. Benoit gets a bodypress and slugs away, then goes to a Herb Kunze armbar. He releases near the ropes, then tosses Jericho. Jericho reverses Benoit into the STEEL post, and back in, a missile dropkick gets two. Benoit with a tilt-a-whirl slam and short-arm scissors, and Jericho does the Backlund counter for two. More chopping, but Benoit dumps Jericho, who lands on his arm. Cue ominous music. Tope for Benoit, and back in, Benoit with a slingshot headbutt on the arm. Chickenwing eats some time. Jericho with a clothesline, but it's the bad arm and he sells appropriately. Flashback and rebound dropkick set up a SHINING WIZARD~! for two. Bulldog try, but Benoit avoids it. Benoit with a straitjacket chinlock, which he redeems by driving his knee into Jericho's back. Jericho fights in the hold for a while, Test of strength out of the hold, and Benoit wins by using the hair like a good heel. Benoit goes ground and pound, but Jericho steals Storm's rollup for two. Both men on their knees, and they exchange CANADIAN UBERVIOLENCE! Benoit ends the run with a headbutt and snap suplex for two. Jericho with a rolling lariat out of nowhere, and he gets a snap suplex for two. Benoit stops on a dime off of a whip and pastes Jericho with a chop, then tries a German suplex, but Jericho reverses to one of his own for two. Another chop and running dropkick. Jericho gets the ten punches, and unlike Randy Orton, the crowd counts along because Jericho's actually cool and stuff. Monkey flip sets up the Walls of Jericho, but Benoit avoids it, so Jericho catapults Benoit over the top rope to the outside. Jericho with a plancha, and it's time to clear the table. Benoit avoids a suplex and sends Jericho into the STEEL post. The steps are set up, and after a fight, Benoit blocks the Breakdown and sends Jericho into them. Back in, Benoit goes suplex-happy, landing TEN German suplexes (even though it takes a good 3 minutes to do so). Benoit's every bit as dazed as Jericho, though, and we have a double KO. Benoit up first, and he tries the swandive, only to land on Jericho's extended fist. Ouch. Jericho with a fisherman's suplex for two. To the top, and they fight with more chopping before Benoit wins and superplexes Jericho down. The announcers are astounded at what they've seen, and Page is hammering home that no matter how brutal this is, they STILL have a long way to go, which is the point of an Iron Man match. Hammerlock slam by Benoit gets two. Benoit misses a dropkick and Jericho cradles for two. Jericho slugs away, then switches to chopping before trying a bodyslam, but Benoit reverses IN MIDAIR to the Crossface! Dizamn. Jericho is dead meat, but refuses to tap. He blacks out, and the ref does the arm test, but Jericho recovers and puts Benoit on his back for two to break. Benoit tries again, but this leads to a pinfall reversal sequence, ending with Benoit blocking a rolling cradle and holding the ropes to go up 1-0 at 41:49! Benoit attacks right out of the rest period with another rolling Germans try, but Jericho switches and gets five of his own for two. Benoit plays dead and suckers Jericho into a Crossface, but Jericho tries to stand up, so Benoit breaks and lariats Jericho down as Evolution appears. Benoit waves them off because he's a right proper bastard and wants to win on his own, but this allows Jericho to roll him up for two. Benoit stomps away and gets a Tornado DDT, then decides to wait and take the win. Tombstone try, but Jericho slides out. Blind charge by Jericho leads to an alley-oop into the ringpost, which is how Benoit won in the Elimination Chamber. Nice callback. Benoit with the Walls, but Jericho powers up on ONLY HIS GOOD ARM and makes the ropes. Benoit with a slam and he goes up, but he takes too long and Jericho gets up, shoving him off the top and through the previously-cleared Spanish announcers' table. The crowd senses a countout, but Benoit gets back in at nine. Suplex by Jericho and a Lionsault, but he can't keep the covers. A second Lionsault hits the knees, and Benoit rolls him up for two. See, now he realizes that Jericho won't die, and he wants the insurance fall. Powerbomb is teased, but Jericho backdrops out for two. Suplex try, but Benoit falls on top for two. Benoit to the top, but Jericho avoids whatever and slaps on the Walls. Benoit attempts to make the ropes, but that leads nowhere, so he instead causes Jericho's bad arm to lose its grip, breaking the hold. Benoit charges, but Jericho puts a Crossface on him as JR is clock-watching. Benoit makes the ropes. Jericho with a rollup for two. Jericho tries a powerbomb of his own, but that's countered, so Jericho holds on for a sunset flip for two. Heads collide for a double-KO and JR is going nuts. Jericho rolls on top for two, then pounds on Benoit and tries again. Still two, and now the crowd is sensing Jericho's time is running out. Benoit falls on top on a slam attempt for two. Benoit tries to run, but Jericho catches him. Full nelson as JR is about to have a heart attack and DDP is marking out. Benoit can't escape or quit, so Jericho barely gets a DRAGON SUPLEX~! (nearly dropping Benoit in nasty ways), and the ref counts three at 59:52... or does he? The time expires as both men are GASSED. Earl calls a referee conference, then goes to the annoucners and checks replays. Sure enough, Benoit's shoulders were down, but so were Jericho's, and that means a double-pin spot and Benoit wins 2-1. Well, if you're going to use a double-pin spot, it might as well be late in an Iron Man match when you've established both men as exhausted. Can't go the full monty in good conscience, but this enters the three-way tie for greatest Iron Man match ever with Rock/HHH and Bret/Shawn. ****3/4

[The Third Dukes]

Disc 3: The Extras, SmackDown!:

- From March 25: Main event interview: Steve Austin is here to a huge pop. He talks about the Board of Governors getting together, mentioning Hogan's fly was open and some beer got on Rock's shoes. Funny. Steven Richards interrupts and tells him to get to the point. So Austin says they've decided on a new GM, at which point Richards has a few demands. Too late for that. Austin flips him off ("Censor this, jackass!"), so Richards grabs the arm to shove it down. Oops. KICK WHAM STUNNER for Richards. I half-think this'll be the end, but no, we find out our GM -- Roddy Piper. At the time I was certain he was a stopgap measure, but he's turned out okay. Austin and Piper share a beer, end of show.

- Piper teases Steven Richards about the RTC's finances. Steven appears to be behind on his taxes, so he gets hauled off for an audit (they even talked Mike Rotunda/o into playing IRS, and is that Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker with him?), but not before superkicking Piper. Funny.

- Piper announces that Hardy will be forced to defend against Faarooq (who he calls Ron Simmons). He then tells the audience about Simmons' title win in WCW in 1992, in a situation where he was an out-of-nowhere underdog (he even mentions Jake Roberts for the heck of it). Hardy sees this and begins to wonder if he's being set up. This segues to...

- Main event, WWE Title: Matt Hardy Version 2 v. Ron Simmons. From Baltimore. It amazes me that the WWE can take an over-the-hill midcard tag team wrestler and make you care for him over the course of a night, to the point where you are actually capable of suspending disbelief and thinking that maybe, just maybe, he'll pull off the 1000-1 upset and win the gold. I speak for the fans in the arena, of course; you and I know there's no way in hell he'll win, but the fun will be in not REMINDING us of that as the match goes on. Mattitude is sent to the back, and Matt threatens to walk, but it's a diversion so that he can slam the belt in Simmons' head to start. Matt kicks away and gets an atomic drop, then catches the staggering Simmons with a five-arm. Simmons bails and Matt dives, but Simmons catches him and rams him back-first into the post. Cornette and Cole point out that he's probably working towards winning with the powerslam again as Simmons tosses him back in the ring and nails a shoulderblock. Shoulder thrusts in the corner and he gets the 10-punch countalong, only for Matt to drop him face-first on the corner. Matt rolls Simmons up for two. Dropkick and missile dropkick set up the Ctrl/Alt/Del for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. Matt tries the Twist of Fate, but Simmons picks him up and crotches him on the top, then grabs a suplex for two. He gets in the three-point stance and lariats Matt down for two. Spear sets up the Angry Man Spinebuster. Simmons tosses Matt to the ropes, but Matt bails, sensing what's coming next. Simmons follows, which is what Matt wants as Simmons goes into the STEEL steps, and Matt nails the Railrunner. Back in, Matt goes up top and hits a flying sunset flip try, but Simmons sits on him for two. The ref is wiped out on a blind charge and Matt flies at Simmons, and of course NOW he turns a bodypress into the powerslam to a BIG pop. Damn. But with no ref, Mattitude returns and commences a beating. Bradshaw makes the save, clearing Shannon and Evan out of the ring, but his Clothesline from Hell hits Simmons. Bradshaw sees this... and leaves the ring. Slingshot suplex by Doug and Twist of Fate by Matt end the match at 12:32. Overbooked mess, but the heat was pretty amazing for a mismatch. * Bradshaw turns completely on Simmons post-match, sneering as he powerbombs him... and Steven Richards emerges. Bradshaw and Richards shake hands, end of show.

- Opening match, SuperCage, WWE Tag Team Titles: Rey Misterio and Billy Kidman v. Mattitude v. World’s Greatest Tag Team v. Team JAPAN. From WrestleMania, and don't get me started on why this was relegated to opening match status because we'd be here all day. Rey and Kidman both do Rey's vault-through-the-stage entrance. Matt Facts: Matt likes performing in MSG. Everyone charges the center to start, and the Animals and Mattitude do a four-part Poetry in Motion on Haas. Ultimo attacks Haas and gets in some karate kicks, while Kidman armdrags Matt around. Rey and Shannon make the first go at the cage, and Rey crotches Shannon on the rail and ranas him off. WGTT get the leapfrog choke on Kidman, while Ultimo is the recipient of a Twist of Fate off the top from Matt. Seems like a big highspot for so soon. Kidman reverses a ToF try on the ground from Shannon, then makes a go for the belts. He slips and falls, taking out three guys in the process. Shannon scrambles up the corner, but Tajiri lands a superplex. Now Matt tries, but Tajiri stops him, too. Ultimo goes up top and hits the MOTHER OF ALL ASAI DDTS (and you thought he did that last month) from the cage top. Kidman and Shelton head to the same rail, and Shelton wins the beating. Of course, on top of a cage is a pretty inopportune place to remember that YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Ultimo and Rey reach the belts, but Rey's rana attempt is blocked and the two men are hanging upside-down like some Cirque du Soleil rejects. Haas gets an RKO on Rey, and Ultimo flops down on both of them. Shannon gets to the top, but Tajiri shakes and kicks until Shannon flies off the cage and into the third row in what was probably meant to be a tribute to Jeff Hardy. Tajiri now tries, but Bubba starts using the nightstick through the cage to stop him. WGTT give him the Star Spangled Blaster as a booby prize. Haas climbs, but Kidman follows to block, then Shannon returns from the crowd and bulldogs both of them to the mat. Shelton tries to shimmy across the rail, but Rey climbs up and vaults into a perpendicular 6-1-9 to send Shelton to the mat. Now Rey pulls himself up, but Ultimo returns the favor with a Tornado DDT to send them down. Haas and Matt fight on the top as Bubba slugs down Heyman, so Haas sends Matt crashing onto Bubba. Haas tries to walk it, but he can't, and poor Shannon bears the brunt of the fall. Kidman and Tajiri try, then fight it out, so Kidman gets a Kid Krusher off the top rope. Back up, but now Ultimo finds Kidman and delivers a German off the cage. Matt climbs back to the top, so Rey meets him and superplexes him back in. Tazz calls it a "superduperplex", which is just stupid enough to catch on. Four guys try to climb, then see each other and attack. Everyone brawls as Kidman climbs and stares at the group. As promised, here comes the insanity -- Kidman vaults off with a DOUBLE ROTATION SHOOTING STAR PRESS onto all seven guys, defying a few laws of conventional wisdom along the way. The faces beat the heels up the cage, then Kidman crawls to the center as Rey takes Tajiri and Ultimo down. Kidman gets the belts for the win at 15:52. Um, yeah, that'll do as a red-hot opener. ****1/2

- WWE Tag Title match: Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio v. Shannon Moore and Bubba Rogers. Paul Heyman is on commentary, and he and Cornette establish almost immediately that they hate each other. Poor Michael Cole is lost as to how to handle this. Kidman and Moore start and get a cruiser sequence in, which Kidman wins. Rogers enters, but Rey cuts him off with a headscissors. The champs do a RnR double dropkick, which allows Cornette and Heyman to argue about who the best tag team of all time is. Rogers catches Kidman with the nightstick, and Moore gets a series of dropkicks and a senton for two as Kidman plays Ricky Morton. This prompts a further argument about whether Ultimo has more martial arts talent than Stan Lane, and I don't think Cornette's winning that one. Rogers enters with a powerslam for two. Corner crush as Bossman still sucks and Cornette and Heyman still hate each other. I await a banana reference any minute now. The heels get a form of Demolition Decapitation for two, as Cole offers that team up as maybe the greatest ever and both managers tell him to stick to calling the match. Rogers back in, and we HIT THE CHINLOCK as we go to break. Hey, that's how I like my Bossman matches -- during the ads. We return with Rogers yanking Kidman by the hair to the canvas and splashing him for two. The heels get the Rocket Launcher for two, as Cornette points out the Midnight Express invented that move. Heyman: "Why couldn't they have practiced on you?" Kidman ducks a superkick, but Moore gets a facebuster and brings in the big man. Kidman does a handspring YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN out of nowhere, hot tag Rey. Rey goes ballistic with armdrags and ranas on both men as Heyman almost makes a VERY personal comment about where Cornette can stick his tennis racket. Heel miscommunication leads to a dump to the floor, and Kidman dives onto both men. Moore is sent back in, but Rogers catches Kidman and the heels do a missile dropkick / slam combo to the outside. Rey gets a maniacal dive on both heels as they celebrate. Back inside, Moore covers Kidman for two. Kidman trips Moore into position, 6-1-9 and West Coast Hop finish at 13:49 as Cornette and Heyman promise to continue hating each other. Even setting aside the hilariously spiteful commentary, this was a very good tag formula match, and Bossman was used quote well. **3/4 Post-match, we get the Savage/Roberts moment.

- Nathan Jones and Shannon Ward v. Undertaker and Torrie Wilson. Michael Cole is the referee, but the crowd is pretty tired right now. Things change, though, when Taker re-emerges as the Deadman, complete with Torrie dressed as a mourner at a funeral, plus a makeup job that's supposed to make her look like Paul Bearer, but actually looks a lot like Ward's. At any rate, it has the desired effect. Faces no-sell everything, chokeslam for Jones, Tombstone for Ward (by Torrie!), goodbye at 2:55. DUD

- From October 7: Matt Hardy celebrates his title win and asks for an opponent. Eddie comes out to demand a rematch, but before that can be agreed to, Taker emerges. It took 27 men to beat him in the tournament, and there's no way Matt will beat him cleanly. I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments. Kidman returns with a still-zombified Torrie and asks for Taker to give her back, so Taker kicks his ass. The clip ends here.

- Two weeks later: So Kidman, Rey, and Eddie wanna talk strategy for the match, but can't find Taker. They go to his dressing room, but once there they see a black room with nothing but eerie candles and Torrie sitting in the middle, staring at the urn (which is in the middle of a pentagram drawn in chalk). And then Kidman actually shows more passion than he did at any moment in his LIFE, asking Torrie about being stuck in a prison-like trance. Insert Bradshaw joke here. Kidman questions whether she thinks he can provide for her, almost to the point of beating himself up over it, then yells "I LOVE YOU! Do you even care?" This is borderline chick flick. He remembers that Torrie said it was just once, and that explains why he's convinced there's shenanigans. Torrie never stops staring at the urn. Uncomfortable segment.

- Main event, unsanctioned fight: Billy Kidman v. Eddie Guerrero. From just after Survivor Series. Kidman comes out first and tells Eddie he has 10 seconds to take back his words about Torrie. Eddie enters and tackles down Kidman, punching away. Eddie keeps pounding until Kidman goes to the eyes to stop it. Kidman kicks Eddie in the Guerreros and hits a throat punch, followed by a body attack into a blatant choke. Eddie punches the arm to free himself and the two tangle like a pair of hockey players jonesing for five-minute majors. Eddie gets a fast combo to knock Kidman down, but Kidman kicks away to get his balance. Kidman backs Eddie into the ropes and just unloads with lefts and rights until Eddie gets a chop to slow Kidman down, then drives him face-first to the mat. Kidman scratches Eddie's face to stop a pounding, and the two roll around in the mud and to the outside. Eddie spears Kidman into the railing. He attacks Kidman in the gut with fists until Kidman gets an elbow to the back of Eddie's neck, followed by a running lariat. Cornette is absolutely in his glory calling this. Kidman continues the fight by choking Eddie on the guardrail, but a HUGE mule kick breaks. Eddie runs into the ring and boots Kidman in the face as he follows. Eddie vaults over the top and snaps Kidman's throat on the ropes as he does so, then slingshots back in with a knee to the groin. Kidman fires off with left hands to break the mount Eddie has, then takes his ring off and DRAGS it in the cut he made earlier as Cole is aghast at the brutality. Kidman steps on Eddie's throat and looks to jump on it when the lights go out and Undertaker appears. Kidman charges and is FLATTENED by a straight punch, and Eddie gets up and gets chokeslammed. It turns into a huge three-way melee, and Torrie is wiped out in the process, falling to the floor. Kidman abandons the fight and checks on her as the camera zooms in to show HER wedding ring still on her hand. Major intense brawl to end the show. If it were a match I'd call it about *** or so.

- Undertaker tells Billy Kidman that he can be reunited with Torrie, but only if he joins her, not if she joins him. Bonus footage shows the next week's promo in which Torrie (sounding quite ghostly) tells Kidman she wants to be with him under Taker's rule. Creepy shit.

- Billy Kidman v. Undertaker v. Eddie Guerrero. Winner goes against Matt at the Royal Rumble. Taker and Eddie pinball Kidman to start, but Kidman ducks an Eddie right cross and gets a headscissors to send him to the outside. He then turns and nails a flying choke on Taker, pounding away at him, until Eddie comes back and rolls Kidman up for two. Taker walks the ropes and nails both little guys, then picks up Kidman for a powerslam for two. Eddie knocks over Taker and gets the El Paso Lasso, but Kidman dives off the top with a legdrop to break, then whips Eddie into Taker. Torrie holds the urn up, and Taker complies by throwing Kidman to the outside and suplexing Eddie. Kidman returns with a springboard dropkick on Taker, allowing Eddie to roll him up for two. Rolling verticals by Eddie on Taker, but Kidman catches Eddie with a Kid Krusher for two. He goes up, but Taker sits up and throws him off. Chokeslam, but Eddie dives in with a frog splash to break up the pin. Eddie clotheslines Taker out, but Torrie appears to revive him with the POWER OF THE URN. And if green smoke starts pouring out, I will shoot someone. Kidman grabs Torrie, but Taker nails Kidman with the urn and tosses him back in. Tombstone seems ready to finish, but Eddie dropkicks Taker and Kidman lands on top for two. Eddie gets DDTs on both men and covers Kidman, but Torrie (who a reader has noted is essentially one bad dye job away from being Shannon Ward's stunt double) distracts the ref. That's actually good subtle booking, and the announcers even note that keeping Eddie from winning benefits both Kidman AND Taker and leaves her loyalties torn. Taker gets up first and grabs Eddie for a powerbomb, but Kidman trips Taker from behind and Eddie pulls out a sweet dropkick in mid-flight, sending Taker to the floor. Eddie then thanks Kidman with a brainbuster and Frog Splash for three at 9:24. Matt/Eddie with PPV time? Again? I'm down with that. *3/4

- WWE Tag Team titles, ladder match: Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio v. Team JAPAN. SuperCage footage plays during the entrance just to remind us how insane these guys are. And speaking of insane, Rey is so far over it's scary, as is Ultimo. No kidding, this could have been the main event. Ultimo suplexes Kidman as Rey ranas down Tajiri. Ultimo gets a double handspring kick on the champs, then DDTs Kidman as Rey does a tope con hilo on Tajiri. Ultimo tosses Kidman, who goes with the flow and nails a tope suicida on Rey and Tajiri. Ultimo says "what the heck" and Asais everyone on the outside. Heyman sends the ladder in, and Ultimo tries to climb, but Kidman slams Ultimo into the ladder. Kid Krusher is blocked as Ultimo tosses Kidman into a Tajiri roundhouse. Tajiri turns around into the West Coast Hop from Rey, who then powerbombs Ultimo off the ladder. Rey tries to climb, but Kidman accidentally knocks the ladder over. Ultimo gives Kidman a hiptoss onto the ladder, followed by a seated dropkick to the back. Rey monkey flips Ultimo to stop his offense. Tajiri sets the ladder up, so Rey gives him a neckbreaker to stop him and climbs. Ultimo yanks him off and goes for the Asai DDT, but Rey dodges. Ultimo lands on his feet, straight into the Kid Krusher. Tajiri hits the handspring elbow on Rey and the Tarantula on Kidman, which allows Rey to climb. Tajiri gets an electric chair drop to pull Rey off the ladder. Kidman dropkicks Ultimo into the ladder as Tajiri climbs, ending that threat. Kidman and Ultimo unleash the LUCHA VIOLENCE (Kidman? Do chops? Whatever) before Rey gets the 6-1-9 on Ultimo. Kidman climbs, but Tajiri catches him. Still, even off of a ladder, YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN. A second climb is interrupted by Ultimo with the Dragon Sleeper. Rey breaks with a missile dropkick. Ultimo and Rey both climb, and Kidman pulls the ladder away. Ultimo sends Kidman into the ladder with a drop toehold, but Tajiri charges into a series of armdrags. Ultimo climbs, but Tajiri gets tossed into the ladder. Ultimo lands on his feet, so Kidman slams him into the ladder as an exclamation point. Kidman and Tajiri meet at the top and fight while Heyman stops Rey from interfering. Rey gives Heyman a 6-1-9, which sends him flying into the ladder as Kidman and Tajiri crash. Ultimo takes over on Rey and tries to climb, but Kidman (who covers for Tajiri's injured foot by using the steps) returns, and the champs hit the Hop-Up rana on Ultimo off the ladder. Ultimo, bless him, takes the bump face-first. Ultimo rolls outside and helps Tajiri up, so Kidman nails a SHOOTING STAR DDT on the outside on the challengers! Holy $#|t! Meanwhile, Rey climbs until Heyman uses the GREEN MIST OF DOOM to stop him. Kidman returns and kicks ass on Heyman, only to be hit with a top-rope Asai DDT for his troubles. Rey gets a crucifix armbar (look, YOU come up with a name for it) on Ultimo as Tajiri hobbles up the ladder. Rey simply grabs Tajiri's bad foot to make him fall off. Ultimo and Rey race to the top and fight it out, but Kidman pins Ultimo's arms to his sides on the ladder (that's different), allowing Rey to get the titles at 22:58. Kidman and Rey help Tajiri to the back as the crowd delivers a standing ovation. And rightly so. ****3/4

- WWE Tag Team Titles: Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio v. World's Greatest Tag Team. Pre-match vignettes establish that Kidman and Torrie were thrown a surprise anniversary party backstage today. Haas sucker-punches Rey to start, but Rey nails Shelton out of a whip and ranas Haas. Rey dropkicks the heels together, and Kidman enters to send Shelton out. Dual dropkick and dual legdrop on Haas gets one. Kidman nails the Shooting Star Plancha on Shelton because he can. Haas stops an armdrag and takes over, however, getting Christian's Rear Naked Stretch thingy for two. Shelton enters as Rey is YOUR midget-in-peril. Elbow, kneedrop, and fisherman's suplex get two. Belly-to-belly by Shelton, but Rey avoids a drop toehold and gets a handspring elbow. Haas dives off the top to stop Rey, however, getting two. Leapfrog choke time, but Rey ranas Haas out of the ring in a cool reversal, then Drops the Dime on Shelton to bring in Kidman. Ten punches and monkey flip for Shelton, then a running DDT. Double bodypress and Kid Krusher try, but Haas shoves Kidman into the corner and Shelton German suplexes him as Kidman revs up the Iizuka scale and tries to top Ultimo. It gets two. Back body drop by Shelton. WGTT get the Star-Spangled Blaster (TIGER SUPLEX variant!) for two. Corner clothesline and brainbuster by Haas gets two. Shelton enters with the 450 for two as Rey saves. Spike piledriver (behind the ref's back), but WGTT stall too much. Haas decides for an exclamation point with an Angle Slam, but Kidman turns it around to a bulldog for a Double KO. Shelton cuts off the hot tag, though, and a gutwrench bomb gets two. Cornette is RIGHT ON THE BALL as he notes that Kidman can't do his standard reversal from the gutwrench position. Shelton charges but flies outside, and Brian Hebner counts Shelton to the point where he doesn't see Rey get the tag. As Rey protests, Shelton clocks Kidman with the tag belt, but the ref stops the count when he sees Haas celebrating with the belt too soon. WGTT do the atomic drop / superkick / bridge combo for two, but Kidman bridges out (!!) and gets a suplex. Shelton cuts off the hot tag again, though. Then Shelton tries a powerbomb, but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KI... well, I'll be damned, Shelton anticipated that and moved. How's that for continuity? Kidman, though, knocks down both WGTT members off a double-team try. Shelton cuts him off, but Kidman gets an enzuigiri. Haas cuts him off, but Kidman sends him out of the ring. Shelton tries again, but Kidman gets to Rey anyway. HUGE HOUSE OF FIRE! WGTT bail, so Rey gets a somersault plancha on both men! Springboard legdrop to Shelton, but Haas saves. Blind charge misses, and Kidman with a DIAMOND DUST out of nowhere on Haas! 6-1-9 to Shelton! Kid Krusher by Kidman... gets two. Crowd is shocked. Haas with a Flair Pin, but Rey saves. Whew. Kidman flies over the top, but lands on the apron. Sunset flip in by Kidman on Haas gets two, reversed by Shelton for two, reversed by Rey for two before the kickout! Crowd is absolutely ballistic now. Shelton climbs to the top, trying to catch an unsuspecting Kidman, but Rey warns Kidman and the two do the Hop-Up Rana on a surprised Shelton for the pin at 27:00! I've thought this through several times, and I just can't justify anything less than the best. This, folks, was a tag match worthy of RnR v. Midnights. ***** Team Angle storms the ring and adds the exclamation point by destroying the champs with a Horsemen-esque beatdown.

- Team Angle (Kurt, Eric, Haas, and Shelton) all come to the ring with the VELOUR TRACKSUITS~! Kurt talks about getting the band back together after his WM loss. Eric says he'll debut next week, and all is forgiven in the family. Angle announces tonight he'll face Konnan. Angle claims Konnan's not worthy of a challenge, though, and that he (Kurt) will wrestle circles around him. PREACH IT, BRUTHA! This was here for completeness' sake.

- Main event, WWE Tag team titles: Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio v. Los Maximos. BUT WAIT! Kurt Angle wants to speak before the match about how none of these guys are worthy of being in the same ring as he is. They don't have Olympic gold medals, and you can't exchange frequent flier miles for them either. But it's all a DIVERSION, you see, as Eric and WGTT attack the champs. The challengers want to join in, but Kurt levels both of them and Team Angle goes ballistic, destroying everyone. So anyway, as Kurt was saying, he found someone worthy of being in his presence, and worthy of joining forces with. That person is Brock Lesnar. Kurt puts over Brock's fighting spirit and said he realized that Brock had a lot in common with him. The two shake hands and demolish the cruisers some more.

- Round Three, WWE Tag Team titles: Filthy Animals v. Los Maximos. Winner takes all here. They pair off to start, and Rey hits Poetry in Motion on Jose. Kidman covers, but Foley's sending everyone out of the ring and Joel legdrops Kidman. Double suplex on Kidman makes him YOUR husband-in-peril. Joel with a rana, and the Maximos get a double German suplex for two. Jose dropkicks Kidman to send him out, and Joel dives onto him. Jose gets two. Moonsault sequence gets two. Swinging neckbreaker and Lionsault by Joel get two. Joel with a headscissors, and an armbar as we take a break. Jose distracts Rey as we come back, so Rey distracts Foley, and Kidman is pulled away from the ropes before Rey breaks. Kidman with a desperation rollup for two. Kidman is AWESOME as Ricky Morton here. DDT by Joel, and the Maximos get simultaneous running splashes for two. Jose with a monkey flip, and the Maximos hit a TOWER SUPERFLY SPLASH~! for two. Rey interrupts, so the Maximos get a Doomsday Device Rana on Kidman, who finds the ropes at two. Legsweep/spinkick combo gets two, and it would've been the finish if Foley hadn't told Joel to leave. And now, after 10 straight minutes of beating on Kidman, Jose gets pissed off and forgets who he's fighting. Joel: "No, no, don't do it!" Well, he doesn't, because YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Joel's attempt to stop his younger brother is an automatic 1/4* raise. Joel tries to stop the hot tag, but Kidman enzuigiris him and gets to Rey. Rey goes nuts with dropkicks to everyone, and the heels collide. Brainbuster for Joel gets two, and it's BONZO GONZO. Kidman and Jose hit spinkicks on each other for a double KO. Blind charge by Joel on Rey misses, and Rey gets the West Coast Hop for two, reversed by Jose for two, reversed again by Kidman for three at 16:31. Normally I'd cry a tear at the Cruiserweight title being neglected while all the stars are being shuffled around the tag ranks, but if the Cruiser tag teams (Kidman/Rey, Jose/Joel, Ultimo/Tajiri, Matt/Shannon) keep producing like this, then f*ck the Cruiser title. ****1/4 Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar run in and clean house, including an F-5 on Foley. Bastards.

- WarGames: Undertaker, APA, Billy Kidman, and Rey Misterio v. Team Angle. From the Bingo Hall. Kidman and Shelton start, and Kidman flattens Shelton early on. He tries to draw blood, but becomes so obsessed that Shelton gets a low blow and sends Kidman to the cage. Superkick, but Kidman switches rings and suckers Shelton in, scoring a swinging neckbreaker. Missile dropkick and both men go cageward, and Kidman blades. And it's an UGLY blade, too. Another superkick and the cut gets worse, but Kidman manages to get a cross-armlock. Kurt Angle enters next. Yes, the heels won the toss. Really. He tosses Kidman to the opposite ring, and Shelton gets a diving clothesline. Double suplex and rolling Germans (with thrust kick) follows. Rey Misterio is next with a chair and I suspect he won't bleed, but Kurt just might. Chairshot for Shelton, Van Daminator for Kurt, and Kurt goes to the cage and blades. Double dropkick to Shelton, and Rey Drops the Dime as Charlie Haas enters. Kidman flips out of an Angle Slam, but Haas runs him over and WGTT do the leapfrog choke. Star-Spangled Blaster time, but Kidman blocks the kick and Rey gets a Blockbuster on Shelton, vaulting off of Kidman. Angle Slam and Ankle Lock on Kidman, but Faarooq (wearing an FSU jersey) breaks it up. Angry Man Spinebuster and all the faces get Ankle Locks on all the heels to a huge pop. Kurt breaks but walks into a powerslam. Haas heads to the cage as Eric Angle is next. He gets the chair and mashes Kidman with it. WGTT use the chair on Rey and celebrate, but Kidman does the backflip onto them and Angle. Kurt gets an overhead suplex on Faarooq, then tosses Kidman into the cage. Haas tries to follow, but Rey trips him as Bradshaw enters next. He goes ballistic on Kurt and Shelton, as APA and WGTT tangle. Bradshaw blades, making it three guys. Kidman and Rey do the Hop Up Rana on Eric. Kid Krusher on the chair to make Haas bleed. Mike Barton is last for the heels, and he has another chair. Kidman and Rey both get them, and Kurt and WGTT beat on APA. Barton boxes down Rey, and Eric gets an Ankle Lock as Barton lands a KO punch on Kidman. The lights go out to signal Undertaker's entrance as the Match Beyond begins. Taker kicks everyone's ass as Bradshaw hits the Clothesline from Hell on Eric and sends him to the cage. Half the match is bleeding. I love it. Low blow by Kidman on Haas and a figure-four (complete with WHOO), but Kurt breaks it up. Double suplex by WGTT to both Faarooq and Taker, but Taker sits up. Kurt tries to switch rings, but Rey 6-1-9s him back. Enzuigiri by Kidman. Barton breaks it up and the Angles get stereo Angle Slams on Kidman and Bradshaw. Kidman is dragged to the cage as Kurt produces handcuffs and orders Eric to lock Kidman in place. Ankle Lock on Bradshaw, but Eric suddenly decides to be a man and Angle Slams Kurt to a huge pop as everyone in both rings is stunned. DDT to Barton, and Eric grabs a chair and beats up Haas. Kidman recovers and cuffs Kurt as Faarooq tackles Shelton. In a brilliant piece of booking, Taker Tombstones Shelton dead as Eric chairs a cuffed Kurt dead in a re-creation of the Chair Shot Heard Round the World. In the confusion, Rey gets a tornado armbar on Haas for the tap-out at 28:32. Ah, WarGames. ***3/4

- Piper's Pit is back, and Kurt and Eric are on it. Eric asks for respect, but Kurt keeps belittling Eric's accomplishments compared to his own. Eric claims he respects Kurt and just wants it in return. He's proud of his brother, but he wants Kurt's ego to stop. Of course, when Kurt IS the best, it ain't ego... well, there's Matt Hardy, but he doesn't count. Kurt plays the broken neck card, then says the fans don't care what he's been through. Eric retorts that he's scared of breaking HIS neck, then says they could be bigger than the Harts or Von Erichs. Kurt says they already are -- by himself. Oh, TAG. Roddy cuts off the bickering and makes Kurt/Brock/Haas/Shelton v. Eric/Edge/Tajiri/Colt for Survivor Series.

- Easter Egg: go to the WWE Title match and hit right to call up the two-part sit-down interview Tazz had with Kurt and Eddie.

- Main event, WWE Title: Kurt Angle v. Eddie Guerrero. Aw, yeah. Eddie has George Lopez, Kurt has his brother Eric. Finkel does the boxing intros. Tim White gives instructions. The crowd is amped. Angle goes to the mat to start and carries Eddie through a nice sequence. Into the corner, where Angle chops away. Charge misses, but Angle recovers with the Rings of Saturn. Eddie makes the ropes. Shoulder tackle by Angle, but the elbowdrop misses and Eddie gets a senton. Both men flip out of opponent's suplex attempts, and now Eddie chops Angle. Rana and we head outside. Back in, Angle trips Eddie and works the leg. Eddie responds by working the arm some. Angle grabs the hair to break, drawing a warning. Angle kicks his leg out of his leg, then gets a Russian legsweep and an Indian deathlock. Eddie to the ropes. Overhead suplex by Angle, and he starts going Steamboat on Eddie's leg. Speaking of Steamboat, Eddie punches the arm to stop it, then gets a series of armdrags. Angle bails again, but Eddie's dive hits nothing AND injures his leg. Lopez tries to check on it, so Angle threatens him and tosses Eddie in. Shinbreaker by Angle. Stretch Muffler, but Eddie gets a headscissors to break. Short-arm scissors, but Angle eschews the Bob Backlund counter for the ropes. Dropkick by Eddie misses, and Angle gets a half-crab. Eddie makes the ropes again. Eddie blocks Angle's whatever and does a tornado armbreaker. Nagata Lock by Eddie, but Angle drops his weight on Eddie's leg to break. Psychology! Eddie blocks a spinning toe hold, but Angle goes overhead on Eddie. Rolling Germans by Angle, but on the third one Eddie flips out... and hurts his leg on the landing. PSYCHOLOGY! Angle Slam try, but Angle's arm loses its grip and Eddie lands on one foot. MORE PSYCHOLOGY! Eddie kicks Angle to the outside, then rams his head into Eric's. The arm goes to the ringpost. Slingshot senton hits the knees. Figure-four attempt, but Eddie cradles for two. That's the first two-count of the match. Eddie no-sells a clothesline because it's Angle's BAD ARM. Sweet! Judo throw by Eddie, into a cross armlock, but Angle leverages for two before the break. Eddie goes for rolling verticals, but his leg gives out on the third try (!!!) and Angle falls on top for two. Angle gets a Sharpshooter for the hell of it, but Eddie grabs the ropes instantly. Angle does more damage to the leg before Eddie kicks him away. Hammerlock slam and hammerlock Northern Lights suplex (taught to him by Benoit, no doubt) gets two. DDT by Angle, into a legbar, but Eddie gets to the ropes. Angle then channels Mutoh and does a dragon screw into figure four combo, and Eddie is FUCKED. Eddie tries hitting various legs, but Angle sends him to the mat for a two-count. Eddie finally reverses, and Angle can't power out because of his arm! PSYCHOLOGY~! Finally the hold is broken. Angle SWEEPS THE LEG~! Who knew the Karate Kid had such a lasting influence? Heel hook by Angle, but Eddie makes the ropes. Ankle lock is applied too late, as Eddie is halfway up and hits an enzuigiri for two. Eddie puts on the CROSSFACE CHICKENWING OF DOOM, but Angle bridges back for two to get Eddie to break. Eddie wrenches the arm out of a lockup, but Angle drop toeholds Eddie on the way down. Back to the leg for Angle, but his arm gives way and Eddie kicks him low to gain time... and a warning. Fujiwara armbar by Eddie, but Angle gets the ropes. Angle gets the Steamboat slam reversal for two. Angle delivers a belly-to-belly with the one arm. Moonsault try, but Angle hits Eddie's knees (including the bad one), and both men sell. Angle catches Eddie trying a leapfrog and delivers a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER into the Anklelock, but his arm loses its grip on Eddie’s foot. A second try (this one with one arm -- PSYCHOLOGY~!) and Eddie is dead meat. He goes for the ropes, but Angle pulls him back. Eddie then kicks Angle in the head. Both up, and Eddie gets a powerbomb. Eddie hobbles over for a frog splash as the crowd senses the end, but Angle gets his Pop-Up Superplex... and lands on his bad arm! PSYCHOLOGY DELUXE~! Double-arm DDT by Eddie, and now he gets up uncontested. He falls pitifully short on the frog splash, however, because he can only push off on one leg! This is mad psychological shit, yo. Angle with an STF try, but Eddie rolls him up for two. Angle with an Angle Slam for two, foot on the ropes. Good, because that could've ended the match. Eddie elbows out of a German try and hits a brainbuster, but Eric puts his bro's foot on the ropes. Lopez protests, and in comes the belt. Eddie dropkicks it into Angle's face (CHEAT TO WIN~!), but is slow to cover and gets two. Angle goes for a 3/4 nelson, but Eddie hooks a front chancery into a reverse Crossface! Eric tries to pull him to the ropes, but Lopez hits the low blow and Eddie pulls Angle back. Finally, Angle taps out at 38:35 to give Eddie his first title as the place goes apoplectic. THAT'S how you do psychology, people. Normally I'd get mad because of the silliness of using the belt at the end, but someone had to be the heel, and the seconds at ringside ADDED to the match rather than subtracting from it. *****

The Bottom Line:

2004 was a funny year, in that it gave us some storylines that fizzled and some that sizzled. Thankfully, the WWE focused on what sizzled, and then REALLY delivered in the extras. Many matches go over ****, making this a must-keep DVD selection. I wish the WWE would do more of this.

Strongly recommended.

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Jan. 03 / 05.

- From Long Guy Land.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and DDP.

- RNN! Orton announces the six-person main event: Benoit/himself/Batista v. Molly/Jericho/Michaels. He promises to get even for Shawn's win at Armageddon. His guest is Christian, who gets a nice ovation. Orton asks him about the Rumble, and Christian says it's his destiny to win. That winning begins tonight with HHH, and just like saying Beetlejuice enough times gives him a human form, invoking HHH's name causes his music to hit. Trips claims he will win the Rumble again, just like the last two times he's entered. Christian: "I'd say you've lost that extra something that gave you the big advantage, Hunter. And it involves woman trouble." I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments. Trips talks about Christian's own "affair" with Molly, and that causes a brawl as HHH comes out on top. How about that.

- Booker T preps for his qualifier against Johnny Jeter, but La Résistance want to know why they aren't qualifying and decide to take out Booker for the heck of it. Scott Hall rushes in, Jeter wisely decides to wait, and Bischoff calls him off. Instead, we'll have an...

- Impromptu Match: Scott Hall v. René Dupree. Joined in progress with Dupree nailing Hall with an axehandle and suplex for two. Bodyslam and THE EXTREMELY FRENCH PEOPLE'S ELBOW~! gets two. Dupree with a German suplex (oh, the irony) for two. Blind charge misses, and Hall cues the comeback with a fallaway slam. Hiptoss and second-rope bulldog sets up the Razor's Edge at about 4:00 shown. It's Scott Friggin' Hall, whaddya want from me? 1/2*

- So Johnny Jeter comes out, figuring he'll get a bye into the Rumble, but someone else has plans...

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Nick Mondo v. Johnny Jeter. Mondo dives in off the top to start, going to the ground-and-pound before Jeter shoves him aside and kips up. Jeter with a spinkick to stop Mondo, but a back body drop try leads to a sunset flip for two. Tilt-a-whirl slam gets two. Jeter ducks a big boot and gets a five-arm to take over. Northern Lights suplex gets two. Jackie Gayda trips Mondo because she can, so Mondo goes out to talk to her and Jeter dives onto him with a plancha. Mondo into the STEEL guardrail, but he vaults Jeter into the crowd, then dives off the railing onto Jeter with a quebrada that comes FRIGHTENINGLY close to causing a skull fracture. Back in the ring (hey, this is WWE after all), Jeter ducks a flying back elbow and gets a handspring moonsault (!!) for two. Surfboard as we take a break. We come back with Jeter chopping away in the corner and getting a clothesline and bulldog for two. To the top, but the spinkick misses. Mondo with a big boot to set him up in the ropes, and the Sledgehammer Legdrop connects. Jackie slaps Mondo, which only serves to piss him off, so Jeter baseball slides him into the guardrail. Back in, Lionsault press is caught, but Jeter slides out the back on a Tombstone and kicks off a pinfall reversal sequence. Mondo stops it with a discus punch, then goes up and hits M.Bison. Jeter reverses a whip, but tries a Thesz Press and is caught. He shifts into Victory Roll position, but that just allows the Assault Driver to hit for the three at 10:44. Spots were contrived, but Jeter's coming along nicely. ***

- Molly Holly talks worriedly about the match with Benoit at the Rumble, admitting she may be in over her head. The Long Island crowd boos her. Ouch.

- Non-title, Royal Rumble Qualifier: Lance Storm v. Michael Shane. Shane dives onto Storm to start, then drags him in and hits a belly-to-belly for two. Dropkick gets two, but Storm ducks a blind charge and gets a headlock. And the crowd pops for it. In Long Island. After just booing Molly. Huh? Shane shoves out of it, but Storm kicks him in the head and gets a suplex. Russian legsweep and elbowdrop gets two. Bulldog gets two. Storm tries a superkick, but Shane blocks it and sweeps him out. Shane with his own bulldog for two, then a German suplex for two. Superkick connects for two. Diving clothesline and he goes up, but Storm shakes the ropes and superplexes him for two. Satellite headscissors by Shane stops any rally, but Storm reverses a DDT to a Nothern Lights suplex for two. Storm lands the superkick and gets the Sharpshooter for the submission at 6:44. Abrupt finish to a good match. **3/4 Post-match, Joey Matthews makes his return and blasts Storm with the belt as Jackie Gayda applauds. Joey Matthews? Um, no.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Christian v. Triple H. HHH pounds on Christian to start, getting a bodyslam and kneelift. He dumps Christian and slugs away on the outside, ramming him into the STEEL railing. Back in, kneedrop gets two. I'm almost going to miss his knee-related offense. Almost. Hunter gets a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two before going to a ground sleeper. Christian stands up and elbows out, getting a Tornado DDT for two. He tries again and is powered down in a chokehold. Hunter switches to the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, and we take a break. We return with Christian getting the arm-check, after which he fights out and gets a back suplex. Christian with the Read Naked Stretch for two. Inverted DDT try, but Hunter gets a Stunner out of it and throws Christian into the buckles, hitting a powerslam on the way out for two. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Tracy appears to distract Trips and Christian rolls him up for two. Wha? The Pedigree's supposed to knock you out for hours on end! What gives? Negotiations must be going south. HHH furiously pounds on Christian's back, then tosses him... into the ref. Whoops. He tries another KICK WHAM, but Tracy hops in and digs her fingernails into HHH's eyes, and as he goes to Pedigree HER, Christian gets the Unprettier as a second ref counts the pin at 10:54. No Dusty Finish, but still not a good match, thanks largely to the unmotivated HHH. *1/4

- Main event: Evolution v. Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels, and Mol... oops, Molly gets destroyed by Kane pre-match to a huge ovation. Michaels lands a superkick on Kane to stop the beating, but that leaves Jericho 1-on-3. Evolution gleefully kills him. Batista gets a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER, then tags in Orton, who gets Play of the Day for two. Batista distracts the ref as Benoit and Orton do the Doomsday Device. Benoit stays in and gets the rolling Germans as Michaels charges the ring. The ref deals with him, so Orton and Batista do an RKO3D on Jericho. Orton clips Jericho, then brings in Benoit, who gets a kneebreaker. Batista enters with a bearhug as we take a break. We come back with Batista getting the shoulder thrusts, then Benoit returns with a shinbreaker. Orton enters and slams Jericho's leg down, then gets a figure-four. Michaels breaks, so Benoit goes to the top and tries the swandive. Jericho avoids it, but Orton recovers enough to drop a knee on the leg. Legbar, but Jericho fights to the ropes. Batista enters and tries the Demon Bomb, but Jericho alley-oops into a Shining Wizard. Hot tag Michaels, and everyone gets arm-dragged. German suplex for Batista gets two. Evolution bails, so the faces hit side-by-side planchas off the top rope. Back in, Michaels slams down Benoit and hits the Savage elbow for two. Orton tries an RKO, but gets shoved off into Batista and cradled for two. Jericho with the bulldog, but his Lionsault try is caught by Batista with the Demon Bomb. Michaels saves, and miscommunication causes Batista to go flying. Benoit Crossfaces Jericho as Michaels superkicks Batista, and that gets the three at 15:41 just MILLISECONDS before Jericho taps. The announcers note that Jericho was facing the pin and knew how long he had to hold on. Neat touch. **3/4

The Bottom Line:

It's all about the Rumble, although at this rate the Molly backlash might be killing any plans the WWE had there. Granted, it would be suicide to put the title on a woman anyway, and Molly barely seems like more than a jobber standing next to Benoit. Still, the Rumble match itself will help redeem this, and a Booker/Hall v. La Res rematch will be fun to look forward to.

And hey, next week Storm gets to murder Joey Matthews, so I'm happy.

[Blehschmidt]

and thus the depush of Molly begins.....

Glad to see Christian go over Trips, and I am pulling for him in the Rumble.

Joey Matthews makes his return from the broken leg, and goes straight into a feud with the IC Champ??? Big Things might be on the horizon for Joey!!

Good Show Dukes...looking forward to the next one, and can't wait for the Rumble!!

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Jan. 06 / 05, taped Jan. 04.

- From Mohegan $un, CT.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jim Cornette.

- Opening match, WWE United States Title: Ron Simmons v. Sean Morley. Good God, they put the title on him in Iraq? Are they crazy? He's pushing 50! Then again, so is Randy Savage and he's insanely over in PWC, so what do I know? Simmons tackles down Morley to start as Jonathan Bradshaw looks on at ringside. Enemy Pummel and a backdrop attempt, but Morley blocks and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Running kneesmashes and a Russian Legsweep follow. Moral High Ground misses, thought, and Simmons gets the three-point stance. Spinebuster and powerslam finish at 3:58. 1/2*

- Matt Hardy reminds the troops that in order to keep the belt with Mattitude, they not only need to worry about Eddie Guerrero, but about the Rumble winner. They need to make sure he's from RAW, so it's time to take the qualifiers and make sure the "right" people advance.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Pure Energy v. World's Greatest Tag Team. London is announced from Hartford again, getting the cheap pop. Pure Energy cleans house to start, isolating Haas and getting a double dropkick and double hiptoss. Shelton tries his luck and gets double-teamed aggressively, ending with the heels colliding and Pure Energy getting stereo Tornado DDTs. WGTT bails, so London gets a somersault plancha for the heck of it. Nova follows with a tope. Back in, Nova sticks and moves on Haas, getting a drop toehold into a London legdrop into a Nova senton. Haas enters, but Nova hits a Hotshot. London with the London Bridge on Shelton for two, then a BAAAAAAAAAACK body drop into a Nova moonsault for two. FINALLY, London tries a blind charge and is tagged by Shelton with a superkick to make him face-in-peril. Haas in, and the leapfrog choke gets two as we take a break. We return with Shelton getting a T-Bone suplex for two. Haas in with a release German for two. Doomsday Device gets two, Nova saves. Abdominal stretch, with requisite cheating, but Nova races over and breaks, then races back. He can't get back in time, and Haas rolls London up for two. Miscommunication leads to a double clothesline, hot tag Nova. Headscissors for Haas, Spin Doctor for Shelton, and it's BONZO GONZO. WGTT dispose of Nova and try for the Star-Spangled Blaster, but Nova distracts the ref and Shannon Moore and Evan Karagias hit a double aerial attack on Shelton. Haas turns around only to get cradled by London for the pin at 13:22. Sweet. ***1/2

- Elsewhere...

Kidman slowly opens a black door and sees a dark room. Inside is Torrie, seated. Before her, inside a white chalk pentagram, is the urn. All around are candles. She sits in a trance. Kidman goes up to her.

Kidman: "Torrie... dear... I know you're in there. I don't know what's going on here, but... I know you want us to be together. I want it too."

Torrie snaps her head to face Kidman.

Kidman: "Yeah, I said it. I hope you understand though... I want the real you. I don't want some quasi-undead variation on you. That's not who you are. It's not who I am. We were meant to be a family, flesh and blood, in the real world. Not this... dark ritualistic voodoo world. The human world."

Torrie: "Y... y... yoooo..."

Kidman: "What? Torrie, are you there?"

Torrie: "Yooooou donnn't getttttt thaaaaat choiiiiiiiice. Yoooour loooooove... orrrrrrrrr yourrrrrrrrr liiiiiiiiiiife..."

Kidman: "No. No, that's not true! IT CAN'T BE! I heard you -- the REAL you -- try to sneak through there. You're not doing this of your own free will, Torrie. I know it. You know it. I just... need to... get you out. It's not about getting you on his terms, no matter how much of a hostage you are. I will bring you back to life."

Torrie: "I aaaaaaaam aliiiiiiiiiiiive... I am sssssssstrooooooongerrrrrrrrrr..."

Kidman shakes his head in desperation and goes to leave.

- If they're not careful, they may wind up with the crowd turning the wrong man. Whoever that is.

- Undertaker v. Kurt Angle. No Torrie with him, as she's still meditating. Taker no-sells some right hands to start, landing a diving clothesline and OLD SCHOOL. He goes for a powerslam, but Kurt rakes the eyes and gets a back suplex. Clothesline and DDT gets two. Rolling Germans, but Taker blocks the third and slams down Kurt. 25-story backdrop and Kurt bails, so Taker follows and tosses him into the STEEL steps. Back in, it gets two. Kurt recovers with a bulldog for two. Moonsault misses -- I know, what else is new? -- and Taker sits up first. Chokeslam, but Brock runs in and nW-- er, Team Angle beatdown ensues at 5:54. Taker is best in small doses, really. *3/4

- Piper announces a trade: Jamie Noble and Nidia for Maven and Rob Conway. The New Blood will arrive next week.

- Meanwhile, Matt says he'll handle the next one.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Edge v. Billy Kidman. Chain-wrestling sequence eats up some time, then Kidman sends Edge to the outside and fakes a dive. Edge gets on the apron, so Kidman kicks him down and gets a crossbody to the floor. On the outside, Edge catches Kidman in a powerslam and tosses him back in. Spear gets two. Kidman vaults a second one and gets a rollup for two, kicking off a pinfall reversal sequence. Kidman armdrags Edge to the outside and preps to dive, but Edge pops back up and the two clang heads. As the ref checks on Kidman, Matt Hardy appears and WAFFLES Edge with a chair. Edge is tossed into the ring, and the Shooting Star Press finishes at 3:44. *1/4 Matt gets into the ring as Edge recovers...

Matt: "Hey! Hey Edge! How ya doin? Got a bit of a headache? Ya see... I've been thinkin' it over, and after some consideration, I gotta say... I respect you. I saw you come back from a broken neck. I saw the heights you reached... getting Hulk Hogan on your side. And I know -- I KNOW -- you'd be the guy who has the best chance of beatin' me. So you ain't gettin' that chance, Edge. I don't care how many times I have to come out here and interject... there ain't no way in hell you're getting a shot at my title. So it is written in the Book of Mattitude. Edge, Version 2 has just made you obsolete!"

As Edge slowly heads to the back and Matt smiles at him, VIVA GUERRERO starts up. Eddie slowly appears from the back, staring right at Matt.

Eddie: "Escuse me, esse. I musta missed somethin', man. Cuz you talkin' bout who gonna go to WrestleMania? You wanna talk about who gonna be takin' you on then? Well, you know, Matt, you might not have your title to hide behind when WrestleMania comes around. Do I need to remind you that you got unfinished business? You beat me once, Matt, and I was man enough to admit it. But when you beat me twice, it wasn't on the level, homes. Three times? That ain't gonna happen, hombre.

You can face whoever you want at WrestleMania, and you can do whatever you want to keep Edge from gettin' to your title. But at the Royal Rumble, it won' be your title to defend. It will be my title to reclaim! Every man here knows that when you take my title, you take my pride. At the Rumble, I will give you a slap in the face from all of Mexico for the way you have conducted yourself as a so-called World Champion. And when the dust settles, Matt Hardy, I will stand with YOUR... no no no no no, with MY title. VIVA GUERRERO!"

- WWE Tag Team Titles: Right to Censor v. Road Dogg and Ron Killings. Footage from Iraq shows that the Kru won a six-man in the Middle East to get this shot. Kru slug away at Bull as Bradshaw gets dumped. Funky punches by both men (and the splits by Killings), but Bull knocks down Dogg into face-in-peril mode. Bradshaw with a shoulderblock and fallaway slam for two. Bull gets the rebound lariat for two. Bradshaw with a lariat for two. Powerbomb try, but Dogg fights out and backdrops Bradshaw. Hot tag Killings, who flies in on both men for two each. All four men brawl, scissor kick, powerbomb, and the champs retain at 4:03. Nothing to see here. *

- Roddy Piper comes out, and he's mad. First, he says that Nathan Jones wants a rematch. Fair enough, sez Piper, he'll get it at the Rumble. Second, though, and most important (his words, not mine), he wants Mattitude out here RIGHT NOW. He tells Matt he'll pay the Piper for screwing three men out of Royal Rumble appearances. And so...

- Main event: Matt Hardy v. Edge and World's Greatest Tag Team. Three-on-one to start, as Haas gets a German suplex and Shelton lands a diving clothesline on Matt. Edge scores a full nelson while Haas punches away, but Matt flips out of it and Germans Edge. WGTT report to the apron as Matt gets a Northern Lights suplex for two. Edge gets a switch and bulldog, but Matt cuts off the tag with a MAIN EVENT SLEEPER. Edge reverses for two. Matt pounds away and gets a gutwrench suplex for two. Ctrl/Alt/Del gets two. Twist of Fate is blocked, and Edge catches Matt on the rebound with a boot and legdrop, brother. Shelton in, and he gets a T-Bone and tries for the 450, but Matt gets the knees up. Bossman slam by Matt gets two, Haas saves. Matt with a Twist of Fate to Haas, but Shelton lands the superkick for two. Shelton tries a German, but Matt lands on his feet and gets a vertical suplex. Swanton bomb hits, but now Haas pulls Matt off into the Angle Slam for two. Matt rolls Haas up for two. WGTT collides, and Matt gets a crossbody on both, but Edge swoops in with a spear and Edgecution for the win at 7:55. Matt did well one-on-one, but one-on-three he had no chance. Decent way to send the fans home happy. **

The Bottom Line:

It'll be interesting to see if they continue the Matt/Edge side-story, but it has the benefit of giving SmackDown! a favorite, which they were sorely lacking. The rest is just wheel-spinning to the Rumble, but that's okay this time of year, because the Rumble is the one event that sells itself.

Here's hoping Eddie doesn't get lost in the spin, though.

Edited February 17, 2005 by Dukes

[The Third Dukes]

So I go to do a nice SD write-up and realize I never did RAW. So no cut scenes, which is a shame because there woulda been a couple of good ones. Instead, a Double Rant.

*****

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Jan. 10 / 05.

- Live from Fort Lauderdale, FL.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and DDP.

- And it's announced (via an exclusive RNN News Report, of course) that Eric Bischoff has the day off, so Orton proclaims himself in charge. After all, there's no one else around with any sort of high ranking. So he starts to read off a series of matches for the night, all of which are incredibly slanted, when the Rock makes his obligatory hometown appearance. A few thousand insults later, and we find out that Rock is really in charge tonight. He changes things up a bit, putting Kane in a handicap match against Shawn Michaels and Molly Holly and forcing Evolution to qualify for the Rumble while not naming their opponents. Orton doesn't like this, but Rock belittles him until Orton RKOs Rock and takes his show over again. The usual Rockiness.

- Jamie Noble and Nidia highlight video.

- Lucille LaChienne protests Nidia getting this type of treatment, which naturally leads to...

- Opening match: Lucille LaChienne v. Nidia. Lucille attacks in the aisle, sending Nidia into the railing and tossing her in. Roundhouse kick sets up a front suplex for two. Nidia elbows out of a German and gets an X-Factor for two. Suplex and she goes up, but the missile dropkick misses and Lucille gets a release German suplex. She goes for an EXTREMELY FRENCH PEOPLE'S ELBOW~! but misses because she's not nearly as awesome as René Dupree, and Nidia gets a powerslam and moonsault for the pin at 3:55. Watchable. 3/4*

- Molly and HBK talk strategy for the main event (basically, Shawn does all the work and Molly saves herself for Benoit). They're really overprotecting Molly here, and I'm not sure why.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Randy Orton, Batista, and Michael Shane v. Sting, Chris Harris, and Jamie Noble. How Noble fares in this will go a long way to determining what kind of use he'll have. Although to be fair, everyone in this match is nicely over. Huge brawl begins things nicely, as the faces clear the ring and Sting and Noble dump Harris onto Evolution in a nice spot. In the ring, Shane jumps Sting from behind, but Noble yanks him off and gets an inverted suplex. Batista nails Noble with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER as everyone clears out, making him YOUR face-in-peril. Ah, so no intent in pushing the guy, I see. Orton clotheslines Noble and gets a suplex for two. Orton and Batista with a Total Elimination for two as we go to break. We come back with Batista holding Noble up and Shane getting a Hart Attack for two. Superkick is caught and spun, and Noble gets a tiger suplex. Hot tag Harris, who gets a lariat on Shane and spears down Orton. Batista pulls him off, but Sting enters and Germans Batista. It's BONZO GONZO as everyone hits their finishers in rapid succession, ending with Shane dropping the elbow on Noble for the pin at 13:44. Noble's face turn did nothing for him and he's deader than dead weight. ** Rock sarcastically congratulates Orton and guarantees he will not forget the disrespect given him tonight.

- Booker T and Scott Hall v. Johnny Jeter and Chris Matthews. Big brawl to start, which is a requirement with a Hall match, and the faces slug down the lightweights, who bail and talk to Jackie Gayda. Again, I question why Johnny Jeter, who Meltzer named one of the 10 most talented wrestlers in WWE, needs to take advice from Jackie Gayda, who is responsible for some of the most hideous matches in WWE history. Jeter enters, but Hall uses his experience to duck and dodge his opponent, then slams him into the turnbuckle 10 times. I love the old-school spots. Booker with a slam and tiptoe kneedrop for two. He tries the Bookend, but Matthews hits a missile dropkick to cut it off and make Booker YOUR sucka-in-peril. Jeter with a DDT for two. Jackie's Kids hit a double springboard clothesline into a Matthews elbowdrop for two. Northern Lights suplex by Jeter gets two. Matthews with a diving clothesline for two. Heel miscommunication leads to a hot tag to Hall. He runs through the usual, ending with a fallaway slam for two on Jeter. Matthews jumps in, but Booker cuts him off and it's BONZO GONZO. La Résistance run in for no adequately explored reason other than to piss Scott Hall off, and the CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE OF DOOM gets the win for Matthews at 7:43. Not bad. ** La Res celebrate until Rock informs them they have a Street Fight against Booker and Hall at the Rumble.

- Intercontinental Title: Lance Storm v. Joey Matthews. Matthews jumps Storm to start, trying to go for a rana, but Storm counters, leading to a series of moves and counters ending with... say it with me... a headlock by Storm. Matthews slips out and tries to wriggle into a mount position, kicking off another chain-wrestling sequence ending in a Storm headlock. Crowd applauds, showing that Storm just might be getting over in his own way. Joey squirms out and gets a dropkick before working on the neck. Storm fights out of that and gets a kneebreaker and Dragon Screw. Now things seem to be kicking up, as Matthews ducks a clothesline and scores an enzuigiri to knock Storm to the outside, following with a pescado. Back in, Matthews tries a neck-scissors choke-out, but Storm gets out and nails a superkick for two. Jackie Gayda trips him up and Matthews gets a swinging bulldog for two. He sets up for a Frankensteiner, but Storm shoves him off, only to have Gayda crotch him. Finally, Alexis Laree emerges and tackles Gayda, distracting Matthews and leading to a chop block and Maple Leaf for the submission at 8:31. Wrestling -- what a concept. **1/4

- Main event, handicap match: Kane v. Shawn Michaels and Mol... no, wait, Evolution shows up and beats down Molly, leaving Shawn alone and evening the odds a little. Shawn hits a flying jalapeno and kips up, trying a rana, but Kane stops it and throws him upside-down into the turnbuckles. Chokeslam gets two. Big boot and Kane tries the Burning Hammer, but Shawn armdrags out of it and hits a Thesz Press, BAH GAWD. Shawn warms up the band, but Kane catches the foot and runs Shawn over with a lariat. To the top, but Molly comes back and crotches Kane. Shawn with a superplex for two. Flying elbow, but Shane distracts the ref and Benoit breaks it up with a German. Molly hits the Molly-Go-Round on Benoit, but Batista Demon Bombs her and Kane gets the Tombstone on Shawn for the pin at 5:40. A MASSIVE brawl breaks out with Kane beating people indiscriminately and Evolution doing a 4-on-2 (Randy Orton joins in) on Shawn and Molly. Chris Jericho joins in as Kane walks off, but David Flair makes the numbers too much until Rock helps clear the ring. Faces stand tall to end the show. *1/2

The Bottom Line:

When Rock's on the show, everything else seems secondary. Evolution's qualification was foreseeable, and there was no way Joey Matthews was going to beat Storm. The Street Fight could be good, and the build to Benoit/Molly has been good, but I can't see either challenger(s) winning.

Kudos to making Kane a favorite on the RAW side, though.

*****

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Jan. 13 / 05, taped Jan. 11.

- From Orlando, FL, home of some two-bit Mickey Mouse operation.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jim Cornette.

- Opening match: Nathan Jones and Kenzo Suzuki v. Ron Simmons and Tajiri. Paul Heyman says he's thinking of inviting Simmons into the Dangerous Alliance, answering a question from one reader as to whether he's a step up from Nathan Jones as far as wrestling. Heyman even puts over Simmons' history of being one of the best power wrestlers in history, explaining the difference between power wrestling and meaningless brawling. Case in point, Simmons fires off an Angry Man Spinebuster starting with Kenzo, following up with an elbowdrop and front chancery. Kenzo tags in Nathan, but Simmons backdrops him and Tajiri gets a karate rush. Nathan stops short of a backdrop and clubbers Tajiri, and Kenzo adds a press slam to make Tajiri YOUR face-in-peril. On this team, there wasn't much doubt. Kenzo with a Shining Wizard for two. Nathan gets a left cross and goes ground-and-pound. Kenzo in, and the Big Uglies get a double boot for two. Kenzo misses a superkick, and Tajiri hits one in return. Hot tag Simmons, and he spears down Kenzo and shouldertackles Nathan. Powerslam on Kenzo, but Nathan saves and it's BONZO GONZO. Tajiri mists Nathan, but walks into an STO from Kenzo for the pin at 5:44. And here I thought I'd need the hot pokers for it. *

- Matt tells his MFers that Priority Number One was to keep Edge out of the Rumble. He tells Shannon that the secret must not get out, and he knows if Edge wins, the WWE will release the secret to promote the match. Huh. Evan asks for details, but none are given. Just keep him out of the Rumble. I see.

- Meanwhile, the RTC argue they should have a bye to the Rumble due to being champs, but hey, Piper counters, Lance Storm didn't get that luxury so you don't either. But hey, you won't mind once you see the opponents, right? Wrong...

- Royal Rumble Qualifier, non-title: Right to Censor v. New Blood. Steven orders his men to attack in the aisle, but Maven dodges Bull and hiptosses him while Conway flapjacks (sorta) Bradshaw. In the ring, the Blood isolate Bull and get a double slingshot suplex for two. Bradshaw clotheslines Maven, however, and shoulderblocks Conway to make him face-in-peril. Bull adds a rebound lariat, and Bradshaw gets shoulder thrusts in the corner. Conway escapes a powerbomb with a rana and gets a BEAUTIFUL overhead suplex on the turnaround (wow!). Hot tag Maven, and it's arm-draggin' and dropkickin' and noggin-knockin' a plenty. Steven smacks Maven with a belt behind the ref's back, but Conway saves at two. Stack belly-to-belly on Bull, Bradshaw saves. Conway tries the IRON CLAW~!, but Bradshaw gets an electric chair and Flair Pin for three at 7:42. REMATCH!!! ** Of course, this wasn't the planned way for them to debut. Meltz says they were scheduled to go over the Maximos, but Joel protested and dogged it at house shows instead, leading to the card being re-shaped that morning. I'll let you judge if it's for the better.

- Stephanie hypes next week's qualifier: RVD/Hurricane v. World's Greatest Tag Team. Oh yeah, baby.

- The Maximos complain about being taken out of the Qualifier in favor of RTC, and Joel goes so far as to say he'll leave the WWE if he can't get a spot. 3 Live Kru interrupts, noting you don't hear any of them complaining, and Joel replies it's because they're not worth it. Konnan says he'll risk his WWE career to prove them wrong...

- Loser Leaves WWE: Konnan v. Joel Maximo. Carpetmuncher, rolling lariat, Tequila Sunrise, goodbye at 0:58. That's pretty much definitive, isn't it? DUD Jose panics, afraid he's gone too, but when assured otherwise, he dives onto all of the Kru and attacks Killings, whipping him with the belt.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Rey Misterio v. Edge. Michael Cole points out these two are former WWE Tag Team Champions, and they should know each other well. Edge tries to start with a suplex, but Rey lands on his feet and trips him up. Off the ropes with a Lionsault hitting the knees, and Edge gets a fireman's carry into a Texas Cloverleaf. Rey wiggles out and cradles Edge for two, kicking off a pinfall reversal sequence. Edge ends it with an alley-oop, but Rey lands on the top rope and tries for a crossbody. Edge catches him and flapjacks him, leading to a spear for two. Edgecution is cut off as Mattitude rushes to ringside, and Rey gets a rana for two. Edge sends Rey into the ropes, and he dives onto all three members of Mattitude... but gets beaten down for the DQ win at 5:31. Edge looks on, puzzled. **1/4

- Backstage, Matt congratulates his men on a job well done, but realizes that next week they're in Montréal and tells them to up the ante.

- Meanwhile #1, Paul Heyman extends an invitation to Ron Simmons, but he says someone else has also inquired about his services.

- Meanwhile #2, Billy Kidman enters Team Angle's dressing room and says he's not thrilled about being on their side tonight, but Piper's Piper. Both men agree to get along.

- Meanwhile #3, Heyman tells Matt (as Matt heads to the ring) that maybe he's looking too far ahead with Edge, since he might not make it past tonight.

- Meanwhile #4... no, my mistake, that's a match.

- WWE Heavyweight Title: Matt Hardy v. Ultimo Dragon. Ultimo outwrestles Matt to start, working some amateur stuff. Matt changes course, slingshotting Ultimo out of the ring, then follows him outside and sends him into the STEEL steps. Back in, Northern Lights suplex gets two. Ctrl/Alt/Del gets two. Matt tries the Twist of Fate but is hit with something dangerously close to a backdrop driver for two. Karate rush leads to a roundhouse kick that puts Matt in the 6-1-9 position. Ultimo then dives over the top and Hotshots Matt on that rope as he lands on the outside. Unreal. He re-enters via the top, but Matt ducks the Asai DDT. Ultimo lands on his feet and tries a backslide for two. Matt catches Ultimo with a Bossman slam for two. To the top, and a missile dropkick and Twist of Fate ends it at 6:46. REMATCH!! **1/4 Eddie Guerrero makes his appearance and pounds the living hell out of Matt, promising it'll be THAT EASY at the Rumble.

- Main event: Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and Billy Kidman v. Undertaker and Pure Energy. Cole notes these six men were the first from SmackDown! to qualify, hence the match. Kidman looks so cute in the velour tracksuit. He even imitates Brock's jogging in place as Kurt twirls. Pure Energy charge the ring and get caught in a 2-on-3 before the lights go out. Taker appears at ringside, suckering Kidman into going after him, as Kurt hits an overhead suplex on Nova. Brock gets one of his own as Nova slips straight into face-in-peril mode. Brock gets a gutwrench suplex for two. Kidman back in, and he gets a headscissors and MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER on Nova. He tries an overhead suplex, but nearly botches it and Nova underrotates to make it a flapjack. Kurt gets ticked and shows Kidman how to do a real overhead suplex, then Brock insists he can do it better, leading to Kurt and Brock giving Kidman an impromptu overhead suplex lesson on poor Nova. Kidman figures he's figured it out by now, but Nova punches out and hits a Spin Doctor. Hot tag London, who gets the Dropsault on Kurt and a Tornado DDT on Brock. Kurt gets hit with a crossbody, but Brock nails London with a Steinerline to make HIM face-in-peril. Bearhug as we go to break. We return with Brock getting a spinebuster for two. Kidman with an abdominal stretch into a rollup for two. Fallaway slam by Kidman (which would be more impressive if you couldn't tell London was doing all the work) gets two. Kurt and Brock applaud. Kidman brings Brock in, and the athletic side gets a Doomsday Device for two. Brock tries the F-5, but London spins to his feet. Kurt runs in, and London manages to get a bulldog/rana combo on them. Tag Kidman, hot tag Taker, and the crowd goes nuts as Kidman just BULLRUSHES Taker... who flattens Kidman with a chokeslam. Shots for Kurt, Shots for Brock, and Kidman gets thrown over the top... and onto Torrie! Kidman comes to and frets, but Torrie sits up and Taker and Kidman brawl like maniacs to the back. Back in the ring, London hits the Contra Code on Brock, but Kurt hits the Angle Slam on him and Anklelocks Nova for the win at 18:05. Serviceable. **3/4

The Bottom Line:

They'd better deliver on the Matt/Edge secret soon, and with Montréal heavily involved, I worry they'll blame Matt for Bret Hart's exit from the WWE. Which is a shame, because the wrestling was decent this week, including a hot six-man main event. With 18 down and 12 to go, the Rumble's looking like it'll need some more star power to be its usual goodness.

But that's what the next two weeks are for, right? Right? RIGHT?

*****

YOUR ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE:

World Title: Chris Benoit © vs. Molly Holly

WWE Heavyweight Title: Matt Hardy © vs. Eddie Guerrero

WWE United States Title: Ron Simmons © vs. Nathan Jones

World Tag Team Titles: La Résistance © vs. Booker T and Scott Hall

Current Rumble Field:

* Batista

* Billy Kidman

* Brock Lesnar

* Bull Buchanan

* Chris Jericho

* Christian

* Jonathan Bradshaw

* Kane

* Kurt Angle

* Lance Storm

* Michael Shane

* Nick Mondo

* Nova

* Paul London

* Randy Orton

* Rey Misterio

* Shawn Michaels

* Undertaker

More tomorrow as I go full-steam ahead to the Rumble.

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Jan. 17 / 05.

- Live from ToRAWnto, Canada. Ain't I witty.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross, DDP, and a We Want Bret chant that accompanies...

- ...RNN! Orton does his usual "get over it" shtick, always a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, then says he'll show people the real criminal: Shawn Michaels. Shawn comes out and simply smiles at Orton, who does everything possible to rile up the crowd. His "You Screwed Bret" chants being turned into "Orton Sucks" chants might be the highlight. Michaels simply smiles through the whole thing, with a chuckle and grin the likes of which he must have had when he was in the back room in Montréal in 1997. Orton reveals that both he and Shawn have the night off, but that Michaels' time to pay the piper will come. Roddy? Anyway, Orton finally gets ticked off at the crowd and wants to take it out on Michaels, but Shawn sidesteps, Superkick, walk away. Fun opening segment.

- Backstage, HHH threatens Trish just to be a dick.

- Opening match, Royal Rumble Qualifier: Sting and Chris Harris v. Matthews Family. Mismatch, right? We'll see. Faces clear the ring as Johnny Jeter appears at ringside and cheers his buddies on. Harris fakes a dive, getting the heels to flinch and knock over Jackie in a funny moment. Back in, Joey gets nailed by a Harris lariat, but Chris cuts him off with a neckbreaker. The Matthewseseseseses hit a double suplex for two. Chris gets a rana and rollup for two. Rockerplex gets two as we take a break. We come back with Chris getting a neck-scissors on Harris before rolling him on his head. Joey gets a flying legdrop for two. Chris tries a Frankensteiner off the top, but Harris blocks and powerbombs down Chris. Hot tag Sting, and he opens up on Joey with chops and a German suplex for two. Stinger splash gets two. Jackie trips up Sting, so Alexis Laree flies down the aisle and takes her out. The ref deals with this, allowing Jeter to smack Sting with a chair, and Chris gets thrown on top for the upset at 12:20. Jackie rips off Alexis' pants for fun. No complaints here -- about the wrestling or the pants. **1/2

- Chris Benoit and La Résistance v. Booker T, Scott Hall, and Molly Holly. I anticipate Bizarro Crowd here. Booker and Hall jump La Res from behind, and when Benoit begins chopping away, Molly goes low. Yup, the crowd is cheering Benoit tonight. Benoit corners Molly to enormous face heat, but Hall pulls him off and hits a corner clothesline. Dupree enters and clotheslines down Hall, and he and Grenier get the Rougeau kick for two. Booker pulls Dupree off and suplexes him, and Molly tosses Grenier and adds a plancha. Everybody heads outside to brawl, no doubt with Hall, Booker, and Benoit rebooking this on the fly. Things settle down as Booker gets a slam and tiptoe kneedrop on Dupree to make him YOUR Canadian-in-peril. Hall with a fallaway slam for two, then mocks the dance in a Fierce Drunken White Guy manner. Go with what you know, I guess. Molly wrenches the arm and gets a handspring elbow, then brings in Booker for a hiptoss and crescent kick for two. Booker gets a headlock as we go to break. We return with Molly rolling Dupree up for two. Low blow and she sets up Shattered Dreams, but Grenier catches her in an inverted DDT. Dupree untangles, hot tag Benoit. Chop! Chop! Rolling Germans to Hall, but Molly dives in with a crossbody, so Grenier pulls her off with a DDT. Hall catches Grenier with the Razor's Edge, but Dupree nails a kneelift as the ring clears. He gets THE EXTREMELY FRENCH PEOPLE'S ELBOW~! to Hall for two. Booker gets the scissors kick on Dupree, but Benoit tries for a Crossface. Molly breaks it up and gets the wrist clutch suplex for two. Double clothesline, and Grenier wakes up just in time to walk into a Bookend for the pin at 11:43. Ending was all over the place, but otherwise this was a fine six-man. ***1/4

- Valerie informs Mike Awesome that she can't be at ringside for the match he has with Chris Jericho because she'll be in the main event. Awesome is concerned.

- Chris Jericho v. Mike Awesome. And indeed, he should be, because as Awesome enters the ring, Jericho rolls him up for the pin at 0:10. Not a match so much as a way to get Awesome his first loss, which makes Jericho good, and have it not damage him, since he was basically otherwise pre-occupied.

- And now, Randy Orton makes up for months of sucking...

Randy Orton sits on a chair, facing a camera. He is alone in a locker room.

Orton: "I've thought about it. I thought about what happened last week, and why it bothered me. It occurred to me why. Rock, you walked into your hometown -- but into my life. You spouted your sayings -- but on my stage. You see, Rock, you aren't worth being called a wrestler... you're not like me.

Oh, you used to be, Rock. I won't deny it. You used to be a wrestler, and a damn good one. But now? You're a sellout. You're nothing more than a Hollywood darling. You spout lines, you make moves, you smile at the camera... and you collect a paycheck and act like you're the best to happen to our show. But there's one thing: you're not a part of our show anymore.

I'm not the only one who feels this way, Rock. Every single individual who has given his blood, sweat, and tears for this business hates you. We think of you as nothing. I'll admit I'm lucky -- I've gotten my big show main event. Most people won't ever get there. Most people toil away, trading wins and losses, hoping to keep their head above the .500 mark. For most people, just making WWE television is their dream.

Not for you, Rock. You got in like I did -- through legacy. You then took that chance, and you compiled a record that speaks for itself. But... when it came time for you to choose your first love, you chose the silver screen over the squared circle. You left us in the dark. You stabbed us in the back! You treated us like some one-night stand as you WALKED OUT THE DOOR TO A LAZY MAN'S LIFE!

What have you done to earn a cut of the gate? What have you done to earn the right to pollute our ring with your presence? You betrayed wrestling, Rock. You could've been its ambassador. You could have shown the world that wrestling is a noble profession, not a sham to be laughed at. You had that power.

And you treated us... the rank and file... the everyday people of professional wrestling, who have to work two jobs while paying thousands to learn how to do this right... who feel they've accomplished something if they fight not in front of 10 thousand like us, but a hundred... you took those people, and you treated us like peons. Well, Rock, you're the one who deserves to be disdained. And someday, somewhere down the line, I will humiliate you as much as you need to be humiliated.

You were, Rock. But now? You're nothing. I am."

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Chris Nowinski v. Tommy Dreamer. Announcers are ignoring this match, and so am I. Nowinski wins in 3:00 or so. The whole thing was an excuse to allow JR and Page to talk about Orton's claims against Rock.

- Kane. Brooding. He's going to destroy everyone at the Rumble, and claim the title that made him feel human. He even mentions Undertaker and Angle by name from the SmackDown! side, which is a nice touch.

- Main event, flag match: Trish and Tracy v. Jazz and Valerie. Yes, folks, this is YOUR main event. I know we're in Toronto and stuff, but c'mon. Huge meeting in the middle, as Trish bulldogs Valerie and Jazz slams Tracy. Jazz gets a pump splash off the ropes, while Valerie goes low and gets a suplex on Trish. Valerie makes the first run at a flag, but Tracy catches her and throws her back, and the two catfight. Jazz pulls Tracy off of Valerie and German suplexes her, but Trish makes a break for her flag. Jazz stops her as Valerie stomps away on Tracy, and Jazz and Trish take a tumble. Valerie pounds on Tracy, getting a DDT and yanking her hair in a camel clutch. Outside, Jazz introduces a chair to the proceedings, but Trish trips Jazz up and uses it. Valerie interrupts, and the two get into a tug-of-war, which ends when Jazz lariats Trish down. Valerie smacks Tracy and tries for the flag, but Trish stops it and gets a handspring elbow. Valerie bails, so Trish catapults Tracy onto her as we take a break. We come back with Jazz holding a half-crab on Trish, which Tracy breaks. Rana to Jazz, rana to Valerie, and she climbs, but now Triple H appears and shoves her off the top. Valerie has a clear path, but Trish gets a reverse superplex to pull her back down. Now Jazz and Tracy climb opposite corners, then stop to prevent each other from getting it. I like that spot. Valerie gets up, slips, crawls, climbs... and Tracy dropkicks her at the last second to prevent the win. Crowd is eating this up. Trish with the Stratusfaction on Jazz, and the Canadians double kick Valerie before climbing for the win at 12:44. Absolutely hot crowd made this fun. **1/2

The Bottom Line:

It's a Canada show. The WWE knows to give the Canadians certain things, and it results in a fun and good show. The bizarro alignments in the six-man actually benefitted things, because Hall is such a good heel. But, the Matthews guys in the Rumble? I dunno...

Oh, and Rock is gonna have to put Orton back in his place again.

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Jan. 20 / 05, taped Jan. 18.

- From Montréal, PQ.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jim Cornette.

Roddy Piper is shown with his left hand on a Bible and his right hand in the air. Hollywood Hogan is shown facing him.

Hogan: "Repeat after me, brother... I, Rowdy Roddy Piper..."

Piper: "I, Rowdy Roddy Piper..."

Hogan: "...do solemnly swear..."

Piper: "...do swear, solemnly or otherwise..."

Hogan: "...that I will faithfully execute the office..."

Piper: "...that I will faithfully execute the office..."

Hogan: "...of the Board of Governors."

Piper: "...of the Board of Governors."

Hogan: "And that, to the best of my abilities..."

Piper: "And that, to the best of my abilities..."

Hogan: "...I will protect the WWE..."

Piper: "...I will protect the WWE..."

Hogan: "...against all other organizations, foreign and domestic..."

Piper: "...against all other organizations, foreign and domestic..."

Hogan: "...with liberty and justice for all..."

Piper: "...with liberty and justice for those who earned it..."

Hogan: "...so help me God."

Piper: "...so Gold help them."

Hogan: "Close enough, brother. Welcome aboard."

They shake hands as flashbulbs go off.

Piper: "So, ya sure about this? I mean, ya don't exactly have a rough job, ya know."

Hogan: "I know, brother, I know, but the time has come. My daughter's almost grown up, and I haven't been there for her much. I wanna help her out with her career. It's time for me to fade away anyhow."

Piper: "All right, man. Good luck. Hey, ya know what? I'm gonna make my first proclamation as a member of the Board. At the Royal Rumble, we'll have a little ceremony for ya in the ring. It's the least we can do for ya, Hogan. Ya know, you and I have battled a long time, and I respect what ya done. It's time fer us to give back ta you. Fair enough?"

Hogan: "Well... who am I to turn down somethin' in my honor, Roddy? Do what ya gotta do, man."

Piper: "All right! And now, if you'll excuse me... I still got a show to run. Enjoy the easy life, Hulk. We're all gonna miss you."

Hogan: "Thanks, brother. That means a lot."

- I'll believe it when I see it, but this seems to confirm what all the rumours were saying. And if Hogan really is stepping aside from wrestling, finally, I guess it makes sense to throw a public party for him. After all, WWE canon states that he made wrestling what it is today, so it's only fair the Orange Goblin get the chance to ride off into the sunset. And hey, he's still popular, so more power to him. I'll even withhold the cynical comment about how this'll increase the buyrate by a guaranteed 100,000 or so.

- But that change doesn't take effect until the Rumble, so Piper wants to go out with a bang. It's Six-Man Tag Week on SmackDown!, so a series of 3-on-3 matches abound, starting with our...

- Opening match: Jose Maximo, Shannon Moore, and Evan Karagias v. 3 Live Kru. Aww, and here I was hoping for some lucha madness. Maybe some other time. Massive brawl to start, as Konnan beats up Jose (one of the few Mexicans he DIDN'T train) and Dogg works on Shannon. Killings gets a neckbreaker from Evan, and the MFers stop the funky punches with a double DDT. Konnan gets the carpetmuncher on Shannon, but Evan dropkicks him. Killings returns with a Kru Kutter, but Jose is ready and spinkicks Killings to the outside. Triple-teaming by the heels (double suplex and crossbody) gets two as Dogg takes over Ricky Morton. The heels with the moonsault sequence, ending with Jose getting two off the top. Rana by Jose, and Shannon gets a corkscrew moonsault for two. Mattitude collides on a double-team attempt, hot tag Konnan. House of fire, but Jose cheats and gets a neck snap to break up a Tequila Sunrise on Moore. It's BONZO GONZO as everyone runs through a series of counters, ending with Maximo getting a back superplex on Killings for the pin at 6:43. Harmless opener. *

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Ultimo Dragon v. Edge. I'm sensing a pattern. Ultimo pounces Edge with kicks, but Edge fires back with a spear for two. Suplex and he goes up, but the missile dropkick misses. Ultimo gets a dragon sleeper, but Edge flips out and scores a neckbreaker for two. Doug Basham races in... and his leg collides awkwardly with the ring as he slides in, legit blowing his knee out. Everyone covers as the referee tends to Doug while Shannon gets an Overcastle on Edge and Ultimo scores an Asai DDT for the pin at 2:23. Originally, this was planned to be ten minutes Edge fighting basically 1-on-4, but the injury caused a re-shuffling of things. Shame, too. 3/4* Fortunately, the WWE knew what to do with the time.

- Kidman heads to Eddie's locker room, passing a courier headed to Piper's office on the way, but instead finds Torrie (still Creaturized) around the corner. We only hear him chew her out, but it suddenly stops, followed by silence and Kidman speaking in Taker-ish tones. Then THAT stops, and Kidman is heard saying "What the..." before we hastily cut away. O....kay then...

- Meanwhile, the courier delivers a tape to Piper.

- Nathan Jones, Tazz, and Joey Numbahs v. Ron Simmons, Tajiri, and Scott Colt. The announcers note that Simmons comes out on his own rather than with Heyman's group, so clearly the deal isn't sealed yet. Pier Six kicks us off, with Tajiri kicking the bejabbers out of Tazz while Jones and Numbahs double up on Simmons. Press slam by Numbahs, but Colt gets a Tornado DDT on him for two. Heels bail, so Simmons tosses Colt onto the pile, then Tajiri baseball slides the whole lot. Back in, Simmons gets a three-point stance into a spear on Numbahs for two. Colt enters with a springboard legdrop for two, but Tazz catches him in a T-Bone to make him face in peril. Numbahs javelins Colt into the heel corner, then tosses Colt for Jones' interception punch for two. Brilliant. Jones with a big boot for two. Tazz gets a release German suplex for two. The Port Authority do an elevated double-team DDT for two. Finally, Numbahs misses a blind charge and we get the hot tag to Simmons. Shoulderblock! Shoulderblock! Shoulderblock! Two-count! Tazz tries Tazzmission, so Tajiri breaks and gets the Tarantula almost seamlessly. It's BONZO GONZO as Jones Punts Simmons, but Colt dropkicks him out and gets the Colt 45 on Tazz before Kenzo Suzuki and Ultimo Dragon and Paul Heyman and Shannon Ward and... it's just a huge mess at 8:00 or so. Ah, this was our obligatory "here's how insane the Rumble looks" match for the week. Good times. *3/4

- The Kru talks to Maximo about being even, but Jose wants gold, esse, so it's Jose v. Killings at the Rumble. That could be fun.

- Royal Rumble Qualifier: Rob Van Dam and Hurricane v. World's Greatest Tag Team. This matchup never gets old. Everyone goes nuts to start as kicks and suplexes are used like they're on sale. RVD with a wheel kick and split-legged moonsault for two, and Hurricane adds a Shining Wizard to Haas for two. Haas bails, so RVD does a somersault plancha. Shelton attacks Hurricane from behind, however, and gets a release German suplex for two. RVD returns, but is immediately escorted to a neutral corner as WGTT get the leapfrog choke. T-Bone by Shelton gets two. Haas in with an Indian Deathlock as we take a break. We come back with Haas getting the rolling Germans because he can, followed by a Shelton flying clothesline for two. Double wheelbarrow suplex gets two. Hurricane floats over on a release German by Haas and gets an inverted DDT, hot tag RVD. Kicks for everyone, and a spinkick on Haas gets two. RVD gets a mid-ring monkey flip on Shelton, but Rolling Thunder hits the knees. Hurricane dives onto Haas for two. It's BONZO GONZO as Haas reaches for brass knuckles, but Stephanie grabs his arm and Hurricane gets a Cactus clothesline. RVD nails an enzuigiri to Shelton, and the Five-Star finishes at 10:44. ***1/4

- And now...

Roddy Piper's office. Edge enters.

Edge: "Hey, Rod. Congrats on the promotion. Any word on who the new guy's gonna be?"

Piper: "Edge... sit down. You, uh... you might want to see this."

Edge: "What is it?"

Piper: "It's a bit of tape from February 23, 2003 -- the last time the SmackDown! brand was in Montréal. I'm sure you remember the day, right?"

Edge (instinctively grabbing his neck): "Oh, yeah."

Piper: "Well, uh... this was just given to me... and, uh, since the statute of limitations here in Quebec is 18 months on assault, there's nothin' the mounties can do, but... I think there's something you can do."

Edge: "Okay... show me."

Piper's about to put in the tape when we hear a knock on the door.

Piper: "Come in!"

It's Eddie Guerrero.

Eddie: "Hola, senor. Eh, whass the meeting about, man?"

Edge: "Video footage from a couple years ago."

Eddie (nervous): "I'll give her the money back, man, I swear!"

Piper: "No, no, no. It's... well, ya gotta see it to believe it."

***COMMERCIAL***

We return in Piper's office, only this time, it's a mess. Eddie is hiding behind the desk, looking nervously at the exit, while Piper and Edge are off-screen. We hear them, though.

Piper: "Calm down, all right! Ya wanna get tossed in jail for destruction of property?"

Edge: "I'll kill him! Goddammit, I'm gonna kill that son of a..."

Piper: "NO! Edge, you listen to me! I want you to go home right now, all right? I don't want to see you until we're in Little Rock for next week's show! You're just going to hurt yourself again!"

Edge: "One year! He cost a whole damn yea... no, more. TWO WRESTLEMANIAS! The biggest night we have and I'm on the sidelines with a broken neck!"

Piper: "I know, I know you're upset. I'm pretty pissed off, too, all right? But what's done is done. Now, I don't want ya stoopin' to that level, ya got it? I wasn't around then, but I am now, and I can have you blackballed from the WWE like that! So listen ta me! Go home, now! For yer own good!"

A few moments of silence. We see Eddie duck behind the desk as a potted plant flies where his head was. Edge appears on-screen, then walks off to the exit, off-screen. We hear a door slam, then see the framed picture of Piper behind the desk fall to the ground. Eddie gets up slowly, eyes wide, and looks at where Piper would be.

Eddie: "You want me to... uh... make sure he's okay?"

Piper: "No... you get down to the ring. You got a six-man. Just remember what happened in here, ya got it?"

Eddie nods before walking off-screen. The camera turns around to see the shambles of the office, with file cabinets tipped over, a window smashed, drapes pulled down, and Roddy Piper standing in the middle of it all.

Piper: "This is coming outta his paycheck."

- And yes, we all know what Edge saw without being told directly. And if you don't, check the last few weeks. It'll come to you.

- Main event: Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and Matt Hardy v. Rey Misterio, Eddie Guerrero, and Billy Kidman. Good times for everyone during intros, from Matt standing a little TOO close to Brock to Kidman staring at his hand like it is/was possessed to Eddie racing at full speed and taking out all three heels at once. He picks Matt up and pounds away on him, with Kidman and Rey double-dropkicking their SummerSlam foes out of the ring. Eddie tosses Matt into a Rey rana while Kidman backflips onto the ex-amateurs. Back in the ring, Eddie and Rey double hiptoss Matt, then hit Poetry in Motion. Finally, Brock Steinerlines Rey into midget-in-peril mode as everyone else is sent to the corners. Overhead suplex gets two. Kurt enters with the rolling Germans into a release German suplex for two. He gets a legbar as we take a break. We come back with Kurt holding the leg and trying for a heel hook, but Rey kicks away. Matt enters with a gutwrench suplex for two. Rey escapes a Brock bearhug and gets a leg trip into a senton, hot tag #1 to Kidman. Kidman fires off with hiptosses on all three men, landing a Rube Goldberg bulldog on Brock for two. He tries the Kid Krusher, but Kurt distracts the ref and Matt gets a beltshot for two. Kurt and Brock get a gutbuster and switch off as Kidman revs up the Iizuka scale. Been a while since he did that -- specifically, basically since he went into this Undertaker storyline. Hey, there's a reason Ricky Morton's singles career tanked. Matt gets a DDT and the Ctrl/Alt/Del for two. Brock in, and he does rolling gutwrench suplexes for two. Kurt and Brock do the Doomsday Device for two. Kurt applies a front chancery as we take ANOTHER break. Clearly this match went long thanks to the Basham injury. We return with Kurt getting a vertical suplex, and making it the rolling verticals, pointing at Eddie as he holds the last one, for two. Matt tries the Twist of Fate, but Kidman shoves him off and hits a dropkick. Brock tags himself in and cuts off the tag, then gets a back suplex for two. Kurt enters, and he gets a hairpull slam and Sullivan stomp for two, just to be a dick. He hits the Ankle Lock, and Kidman is fading FAST, yo. The arm falls twice, but before the third try, Torrie emerges with the urn. Well, that's just like spinach to Popeye, so Kidman fights out and gets an enzuigiri on Kurt, but gets stupid and goes for the Kid Krusher instead of tagging out. Kurt shoves him off and nails a release German suplex. Brock enters, and an overhead suplex and ARROGANT COVER~! gets two. Brock tries a powerbomb, but no. Kurt climbs to the top to moonsault Kidman, but no again. Matt dives to stop it, but it's a hot Hot HOT tag to Eddie. Eddie goes nuts on all three, hitting a slingshot senton on Matt and the rolling verticals on Brock. Kurt escapes, but Kidman gets the elusive Kid Krusher on the floor. 6-1-9 to Brock, and Eddie with a headscissors. Matt with a Twist of Fate on Rey, but Eddie catches him and slams him, following with the frog splash for the pin at 27:33. Ten minutes too long, but otherwise pretty. *** Kidman heads to Torrie, getting a staredown with Taker in which he says "I know" repeatedly, while Eddie poses with the belt over Matt... until Brock clears the ring Rumble-style. End of show.

The Bottom Line:

They covered well for the injury, and Basham isn't much of a loss as of right now. This show had a lot going on -- Hogan's retirement announcement, Kidman's discovery, the tape -- that really, it's amazing they didn't stretch all this out. I guess the tape HAD to be here, but the rest... I dunno. A lot happening.

And then there's this Rumble thing coming up... anyone know about it?

*****

YOUR Royal Rumble Card, with one week to go:

WWE Heavyweight Title: Matt Hardy © vs. Eddie Guerrero

World Title: Chris Benoit © vs. Molly Holly

WWE United States Title: Ron Simmons © vs. Nathan Jones

World Tag Team Titles, Street Fight: La Résistance © vs. Booker T and Scott Hall

WWE Cruiserweight Title: Ron Killings © vs. Jose Maximo

Hollywood Hulk Hogan's retirement ceremony

ROYAL RUMBLE (6 slots left):

* Batista

* Billy Kidman

* Brock Lesnar

* Bull Buchanan

* Chris Jericho

* Chris Matthews

* Chris Nowinski

* Christian

* Hurricane

* Joey Matthews

* Jonathan Bradshaw

* Kane

* Kurt Angle

* Lance Storm

* Michael Shane

* Nick Mondo

* Nova

* Paul London

* Randy Orton

* Rey Misterio

* Rob Van Dam

* Shawn Michaels

* Ultimo Dragon

* Undertaker

Not much left now!

[Silent C]

I don't post much, but I've been reading from the start... The tape was a shocker and I had to check it up just to make sure, but I'd love to see you tie this to Eddie (Unless the Guerreros were feuding with Edge/Rey at the time, which I can't really recall- and even then Edge/Rey wouldn't have held the belts now, and Eddie would be the "lovable" heel). Now, I think I'm pretty good with Rumbles, as the last one (or was it NWO?) got me some Wrestlemania booking rights. Here goes, anyhow...

WWE Heavyweight Title: Matt Hardy © vs. Eddie Guerrero- Edge seems to be gunning for both men, but it's Eddie I see him going on to Wrestlemania against.

World Title: Chris Benoit © vs. Molly Holly- The WWE would be a joke otherwise, with all my respect towards women's wrestling.

WWE United States Title: Ron Simmons © vs. Nathan Jones- Simmons' title reign is too short to end now, unless this gives us a final Jones/Ultimo match up at Mania.

World Tag Team Titles, Street Fight: La Résistance © vs. Booker T and Scott Hall- I really don't have a reason to see the faces going over.

WWE Cruiserweight Title: Ron Killings © vs. Jose Maximo- At one point or the other I forgot about Killings being the champion, and a face should win it off of Maximo at Mania, so 3LK are losing their gold here.

ROYAL RUMBLE (6 slots left):

* Chris Jericho- Out of the announced participants, I crossed out anyone in a tag, or too low on the card. Then old-timer main eventers and anyone with a feud I can't see being given the Wrestlemania main event spotlight. The only other logical option I saw was Randy Orton, but Randy is going into a program with The Rock, so I can't see him reasonably turning face for a program with Benoit, with two months till 'Mania.