britneyspearsisgod

CREDIT: BBC Sport You got your wish Newcastle fans. Now... which country shall produce an obscure billionaire to buy the club? I'm going outside the box and saying Nigeria

I decided I wanted a challenge. Thus, my logic was to start a game with the date set for Brazil 2007. Looking around for a poor team to manage, I noticed Newcastle United were a very poor 19th in the Premiership after 19 games around Boxing Day (surprisingly, very nearly outdone by Aston Villa in 18th). So far, the challenge is tough. Save for a very poor Derby, we have an atrocious run of form. Despite this, we beat Chelsea in the FA Cup 3rd Round and have already got through to the League Cup Semi-Final against Fulham. So, cups we can do, but leagues are our suck-dom. What our speciality is at the moment it seems is to attack and take the game at first, but let it slip and make stupid defensive errors around the end of the game. It's ricockulous. To remedy this, I have enlisted the services of many coaches to replace our wankier staff. I am trying to instil into the players a desire to continue. I shall also bolster my defence. Forgetting to set the "no transfer budget at start of game" option, I've been handed down £30m for the January transfer window. Considering the situation at St. James Park at the moment, I decided it is not too far out of the realms of possibilities Jean II Makoun, Sergei Ignashevich and Matt Hill are so far helping to bolster my defence. I wanted Silvestre (Man Utd were willing to let him go for cheap), but he made it clear he doesn't want to come to me. So, fuck him. What I now need is a striker to replace Ameobi (I don't rate him), a left-back that can go forward (Matt Hill is a left-back, but he's adaptable as a CB and as his defensive stats are better suited for that role I will be adapting him for that role), a midfielder with good attacking stats and a striker to cover my now two top strikers (although that may change as Fabio Zamblera is having a good run of form in the reserves). All of which I have to do now with £8m. £12.5m went on Makoun, £5m went on Ignashevich and Hill cost £3m. I spend about £1.5m on staff. I have a tough time to fill those roles. Mark Viduka hates me for not making him my number 1 striker. The thing is though, he's slower than Obafemi Martins and Owen. And if I got Owen, who isn't a speed demon but is so damn clinical, as I only play the one striker, Owen gets the nod. I can use Owen or Martins with versatility. Viduka doesn't like it, so he wants out. Not too pleased, but I can switch it. I will not fail. Bolton next up. Home game. Let's get the ball rolling!

And Nasri was a little child for kicking off the ball. It was all handbags at 50 paces - nothing that should have even been newsworthy.

Well, don't ask us to help you on that one Honestly... 3-0. One day we'll get it right.

Remind you of anyone? In other news, bugger you, Jermaine Beckford That would've been a brilliant result. But alas, I'll take a 2-2 draw away at Leeds... Reminds me of the two wonders of Bristol history, Graydon and Atkins. Sometimes, I wonder who was worse 2-2 with Leeds away is a fucking good result. We led for most of the game and, in essence, they only scored 1 proper goal, considering Elliott knocked it in accidently. I'm pleased. And, we are still above Stockport. That is always a bonus.

Mears is wrong to just up and leave... but who does Jewell think HE is? "Oh, Marseille want me... but I'll stay here in Derby instead. Yes. THAT's the sound of logic and reason." Ever since Jewell has come there all he has done is shout and berate his players and gotten very little results. It's a sad, sorry affair at Derby and I have to say Jewell isn't showing much in the way of true class. But then again, he has a reason to be angry. As I said, Mears should have at least talked to Jewell when he phoned.

I knew that

So... that Premiership... nice, hey?

Carmella Bing did a Tug Job scene recently. I am officially in heaven

I don't have a second team and I am committed to a club I have been apart of for many years. I don't pick and choose whenever Liverpool fail to beat Belgian teams

See, tonight explained why we will struggle. I will say top-half of the table is a good season. Anything less is expected. Relegation is bad, obviously, and I do believe we have more quality over a few other teams in the division to stay up. However, we have seemed to revert and track back in our style, losing the ball and generally actually performing unprofessionally. We need to REALLY work on our team play before we suffer hard. And in defence of Watford, they were fucking poor themselves. I hope they strengthen soon otherwise they'll fail to impress this year. Still, better being a Gashead than the other kind of head

He is a nifty little player. I would rather he stay at Luton for longer than a month to get the experience, but whatever the case may be, if he gets the chances, he's a nice little creative striker. I wouldn't say he'll set the world on fire, but he can do a job for you. As for me, a little disappointed that we never took it to Carlisle. Either team could have won it, but we never made our chances count. Carlisle's goal were simple, yet they knew what they were doing. I guess that was a case of experience and self-assurance on their part. We lack a stronger presence on the field a lot of the times. We did so well last year at times in the FA Cup because we didn't sit back - we held no fear. Not the result I wanted, but the season has just begun. I wasn't expecting play-offs or promotion, but if we can finish in the right half of the table, then it'll all be good.

Cody Lane looks like a mutilated chipmunk

I wonder if I qualify to play for Zanzibar... I would just to wear that shirt ¬_¬

With Alex Ferguson making his comments about Chelsea, Tottenham and everyone else, is it any wonder why people hate Man Utd? Such an arrogant cock when he's winning... I have half a heart to pull for Chelsea this year and I didn't expect myself to say that.

I think regarding the whole Tottenham/Liverpool/Manchester United dealio, every club has an underhanded way of expressing interest in other players. So telling the teacher, in effect, if pretty redundant in my eyes. In terms of legalities, then maybe clubs can be accused of tapping up. But then the laws in football in regards to transfers and contracts are quite poorly conceived anyhow, so you can't do much about it all until we get some common sense. All in all, I think it's not a big issue. If the players are that stupid to be persuaded by gossip and half-truths, then let them.

Steve McClaren is available

I could be sad, but to be honest I hate it when we play Doncaster, so I'm happy they've left us And, I'll be honest, it's funny to see Leeds fail.

I NEVER listen to my scouts. It's not so bad when you play with a team in the top division or so, but if you're Bath City or something and they piss on every player you ask them to look at and THEN suggest signing a defender with tackling at 2, marking at 4 and positioning at 1... well, needless to say I use them to find out stats I can't see through a normal search if it's a specific player, scouting a region to find more players, or just to scout my next opponent so I can look at their team and plan ahead. On a side note, that Bath side are top of the Conference South and haven't lost a game yet. So well done to the scouts

Are you serious? His big spending was a contributing factor in Lazio nearly going tits up and some of the players he has spent money on this year haven't nearly produced anything close to their price-tag. I won't say it's entirely his fault (chairmen and boards have to take blame too), but he hasn't been that great with money. Unless it's for himself. Then he's been fucking brilliant. The thing is, the reason why I think Grant has gone has nothing to do with his supposed lack of charisma (it's not a lack of charisma, it's a lack of arrogance). The fact is, Chelsea are only in the position they are at the moment because of the money (yes - that old argument). I won't doubt the reasons as to why Terry, Lampard and the likes are at Chelsea, because I think it's obvious they love their club. But, for guys like Drogba, Anelka, Malouda, etc., they're there for the top level football and the money. If Chelsea aren't winning, then they find it extra harder to lure players. They don't have the revenue stream to be able to miss out a season of winning like Manchester United or Arsenal (more seasons in Arsenal's case) and they don't quite have the prestige on a Continental scale to attract players like Real Madrid or Barcelona. Chelsea have enough to attract top British players, but they need to be able to hold onto a manager that can get something out of them. Chelsea are like TNA - they have to keep plugging away to avoid becoming like Newcastle. They need to win silverware to keep the push going. They don't have the time to stop. And that's why Avram Grant lost his job. But, it won't be the end of him. Let's face it - as far as CVs go, he can find himself a club now that will give him time to build his own team and give him a chance to avenge this lack of support. He has 2nd place in the Premiership and a Champions League final on his resumé. Who wouldn't want that? Ultimately though, I think the players can look at themselves and say they've let him down to an extent. While Grant needs to coax the best out of them, there were times when you saw Chelsea (especially against Barnsley) and thought they haven't fought hard enough. Still, best of luck to him and let's see who is next to take on Alex "The Destroyer" Fergueson

Well, considering I'm a mean ol' bastard, I say well done Hull and screw City in their shitty

I set up a mini-league on the Metro.co.uk European Championship Fantasy Football game if anyone fancies having a go at it. The league is "METRO SuperLiga" and the password is "schlongx". METRO FREE Fantasy Euro Championship Football Game

I'm working tonight. Salsa night. Wooo...

Mirror says Lampard to Inter for £7m. Don't believe it myself.

KKK? Not the best 3 lettered initials to refer to Newcastle's "messiah"