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Favorite Comedian Lines


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I was just watching this canadian based comedy show out of Toronto called "Comedy Now" and i've heard the most hilarious line that i've heard in a while. It went a little like this:

"You see, if you don't watch porno, a girl asks you your fantasy and it's something like "I've always wanted to make love on a mid-summers night in a meadow while a fine summer mist voers the air"

But if you do watch porno, your fantasy is something like "Here, stick this banana up your ass, i'll release the weasel.""

and this was pretty good too.

My mom thinks that every guy's gay, like we'll be sitting in a resturant and she'll point some guy out and accuse him of it, then i'll ask her why and she'll say "Look at his good posture, and how clean and kempt he is" and then I think about it.... isn't that what our mothers have told us to do all of our lives? "Wash your face, sit up, suck that boy's c---."

What quotes have made you crack up?

Edited by Apple|Shampoo
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Don't know if it's my ALL-TIME favorite, but one that I just heard recently (again) that made me crack up was Jeff Foxworthy talking about how you don't want to hear certain things:

"That's why they invented terms like "female problems." Because if you're talking to me about discharge, you better be talking about the MILITARY. And it BETTER be honorable too."

Just struck me as funny.

Edited by bigsheep305
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Absolutely anything Bill Hicks has ever said about pro-lifers.

It's irony on a base level, but it's still a fucking hoot.

So because I'm bored, here are snippits of some of my favorite skits:

Bill Hicks' "Rant In E Minor":

"Isn't that great? Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I think that's why you giggle for the first hour."

Dave Attell's "Skanks For The Memories":

"If I were a midget, I'd constantly be late for work. I'd come in hours late, and my boss would be all like "Why were you late?! I'm trying to run a chocolate factory here!! ATTELLLLLL!" "Why was I late?! Look at these lil' legs! There was a puddle! I had to swim it, fucker!"

Lewis Black's "Rules Of Enragement":

"Obviously another long Minnesota winter. It's nice to be here in the summer, 'cause I always come in the winter and wonder....why the fuck you would live here. Everyone always says "you should come here during the summer, it's exceptional." Yeah...cause you can move your fucking fingers and toes."

Adam Ferrara's "Comedy Central Presents" Special:

"But ya gotta fight...I mean, you gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up, you end up screaming at one another over something totally stupid like "Why'd you put this spoon in this droor?" "JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, that's why! I got spoons hidden ALL OVER THIS HOUSE! Keep it up and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing!!!"

George Carlin's "Jammin' In New York":

"What about those passengers travelling with large children?! S'pose you have a two year old with a pituitary disorder? Like a six-foot infant with an oversized head?!"

Mitch Hedberg's "Strategic Grill Locations":

"Sometimes I wave at people I don't know. Very dangerous to wave at people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker! This thing's useful! I'm gonna go pick something up."

Sam Kinison's "Live From Hell":

"My God, he showed up! It's not like the Joan Rivers Show, he actually showed up!"

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I liked it when Bill Maher said something like this, which he apparently stole from Bill Hicks:

Of course Saddam has Weapons Of Mass Destruction...we have the receipt to prove it.

David Cross' comedy off of the Rock Against Bush DVD is pure gold, too. Too much to quote.

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Anything from Eddie Murphy 'Delirious' is pretty good. Back in the day, Eddie Murphy was sooo funny.

Also anything from Sam Kinnison - especially when he talked about how the people who filmed Oxfam adverts had a sandwich that they didn't want to give the kids. 'Er, you better wait a minute, that kid doesn't look hungry enough.' Also his take on marriage jokes is unlike that of any comedian.

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Mitch Hedberg's "Strategic Grill Locations":

"Sometimes I wave at people I don't know.  Very dangerous to wave at people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand?  They'll think you're cocky.  "Look what I got, motherfucker!  This thing's useful!  I'm gonna go pick something up."

That CD, and Mitch himself is great. It's just constantly annoying to hear the bass playing in the background during the routine. One of my favorite things happened on a comedy show here in Canada.

What's with all these people not caring about racism? They say I don't care if your white, black, yellow, green, purple.... wait a minute, purple? You've got to draw the line somewhere's. To hell with purple people..... unless they're choking... then help them.
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The Crucifixtion by Billy Connelly.

Absolutely hilarious, every part of it.

Billy Connelly is one of the funniest guys about today, most of his stuff is brilliant

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The Crucifixtion by Billy Connelly.

Absolutely hilarious, every part of it.

Billy Connelly is one of the funniest guys about today, most of his stuff is brilliant

Snap, but the best part is after he's nailed to the cross:

They're all lookin' at me and chantin' "dae somethin', dae somethin', dae somethin'", so that's when I did the final miracle *touches his nose*

That's classic. Also there was one on the Comedy Store by Nina Conti. She had a stuffed monkey with her and did a ventriloquist act.

Nina: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey: Because he was dead...........*Audience laughs*.......Don't laugh it happens you know!

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Snap, but the best part is after he's nailed to the cross:

They're all lookin' at me and chantin' "dae somethin', dae somethin', dae somethin'", so that's when I did the final miracle *touches his nose*


I loved the bit where the midget comes along with the spear(actual pole-type spear :P ). I was trying to find the script of it earlier but failed, otherwise I'd enlighten you all to the greatness that is Billy Connelly.

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Dane Cook, my favorite comedian, has plenty of funny-as-hell lines...most of them are actually on his website as well. Here's a few:

We never had a pool right? So one summer I remember my dad, to make me happy, you know 'cause I was bummed out 'cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing it was yellow, he layed it on the lawn and sprayed it with water...Slip and Slide right? Yeah. Woulda been fun if dad checked for ROCKS before he put it down. Slip and bleed from the aaaaaanus is what they should have called this ride. I was like "Watch this mom" *pssh* "AHHH! NO! UAHH!"

I took a la-(there's a pause, he's laughing a little)- I took a ladies order one time, I'll never forget this I go like this I go "Ma'am that'll be $3.75 please drive around." and there's like this long pause and then she goes "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fuckin' road you're on to ME. Where do you---okay ma'am you're gonna go to the Texaco station, take a right, go five and a half miles southeast. You're gonna see a guy in a yellow pancho; his name is Hank. He'll take you to the Whopper layer, that's where you go. And you've got 10 minutes to get there or we take your food.

How about this one? This is a fun one right? All you need for this is a pair of gloves, you take your gloves right? And go down to the bank, get behind all of the people in line in the bank and give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge. Wait until they turn around and when they turn around start putting the gloves on and go "Now would be a good time to leave."

And the news reporter was like "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it?" ...yeah, I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks. I've got this thing called a shark rocket, and I shoot it at them, and it REALLY annoys them. And then I just wade there for a little while, and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them, I know this hip move, it's something porpuses use, and then I pretend I have a bottle neck, and I stab them in the gils. And it's really effective.

There's alot more, but some are a bit long and I'm too lazy to type them all up, lol.

Edited by Norris Scott
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"I like escalators cause they can never be broken. They only turn into stairs. You put up a sign that says, 'Broken Escalator: Sorry for the convience'"

"I wrote a script and sent it to a director and he told me that I needed to rewrite it. I said fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

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"Ain't nothin' a wino's scared of, except runnin' out of wine. A wino wouldn't be scared of Dracula. Transylvania? Yeah, I know where it is! You ain' t the smartest motherfucker in the world... even though you is the ugliest."

Richard Pryor

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The stuff on 'Animals' about the Bible is GENIUS.

"In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth...and the Earth was without form and void and darkness was on the face of the deep"...bit dark, he sorted that out. "And God said 'Let there be light' and there was light"...

Ain't that brilliant? Eh? Oh come on, that's amazing. He made light up! There was nothing before. It's not like he saw some on holiday and said 'That'll be good back on Earth', he made it up! There was no...there was nothing to go by. It's not like there was twilight and he said 'Let's have that a little brighter' [...] Which means...that He created the Heaven and Earth in the dark! Fuckin' Hell, how good is that? I'd have gone "Right, let's have a little bit of light, see what we're doing...Riiight, I'm gonna need some planets..."

Chapter Three...I'm not havin' a go at Him, cause He is brilliant, but in my HUMBLE opinion I think the snake was a mistake.

OK, Chapter Three...his difficult third series. It's gonna get criticised whatever, isn't it? After all the good he did in One and Two...

I watch hours on end of the History Channel and the Discover Channel, back and forth...ask me anything about sharks and Nazis.

Not as bad as a lot of people make out...sharks I mean. Nazis, horrible, don't get me...Sharks: Brilliant, Nazis: Rubbish!

But the shark's an amazing creature. It got sensors up its body, it can tell the slightest movement in water, a floundering fish, through electrical impulses, and zone in on that. It's got good eyesight, contrary to popular belief. And it can taste and smell the slightest human secretion of blood and sweat, one part in a BILLION, from a MILE away. A shark would have found Anne Frank like *that*"

"You can lead a cow upstairs, but not down"...that's true by the way, it's the way their joints don't oppose...think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way.

"Come on Daisy, down you go"

"Oooh, I can't go downstairs, my joints..."

"I don't care about your joints, my wife's coming home in five minutes, get down the stairs...

Peter Kay

How do you kill a circus? Go for the jugula...

Used to be an old woman who lived next door to us there were a power cut one night, me mum went round see if she were alright;

"Are you alright, I was worried about you cause there's been a power cut?"

"Has there? I though there'd been a power cut, but then bus went past wi' it's lights on..."

Yeah, they plug em in now love, with a wire...

I went to cinema, I said 'You alright nan, help yourself to a pick 'n' mix, I'll get these...whoa whoa whoa...fudge? Feel the weight of 'em before you put em in. Flumps, marshmallows, that's what you want. Flyin saucers, have as many of them as you want

They never swear when they come in on those [Crimewatch] reconstructions "Come on, get on the floor you sponge. Come on, get that flippin' safe open you melon". How realistic is that?

Steven Wright

Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect

I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes
Edited by Jimmy the Exploder
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I love the Peter Kay adverts for the beer. The one where he gets rid of his mother is genius.

"Come on mum, I'm taking you to the old folks home."

"Are you mad? I'm 55."

"Yeah, but I've had a word, they'll take you, now come on."

"Why should I go live in an old folks home?"

"Cos I want to put a snooker table in your room, and kids are scared of your moustache. Avante!" *whistles*

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Good old Peter Kay. I liked the one where they're all sitting around the table in the restaurant and his phone rings.

"Hello? She's what? Put her on."

He puts his over the reciever and says to his friends "Monsters under the bed." They all chuckle, as he goes back onto the phone.

"... Its not the monsters under the bed you should be scared about, its the burglars coming in through the windows that you need to worry about."

Or something to that effect. Classic.

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