Favorite Comedian Lines

[apsham]

I was just watching this canadian based comedy show out of Toronto called "Comedy Now" and i've heard the most hilarious line that i've heard in a while. It went a little like this:

"You see, if you don't watch porno, a girl asks you your fantasy and it's something like "I've always wanted to make love on a mid-summers night in a meadow while a fine summer mist voers the air"

But if you do watch porno, your fantasy is something like "Here, stick this banana up your ass, i'll release the weasel.""

and this was pretty good too.

My mom thinks that every guy's gay, like we'll be sitting in a resturant and she'll point some guy out and accuse him of it, then i'll ask her why and she'll say "Look at his good posture, and how clean and kempt he is" and then I think about it.... isn't that what our mothers have told us to do all of our lives? "Wash your face, sit up, suck that boy's c---."

What quotes have made you crack up?

Edited May 23, 2004 by Apple|Shampoo

[caucasianheat]

Just about everything from David Cross' The Pride is Back and Shut Up, You Fucking Baby make me laugh.

[Turbo Yannis]

Absolutely anything Bill Hicks has ever said about pro-lifers.

[Hewey]

Most of Norm MacDonald's OJ Simpson jokes are great in my opinion.

[A-Dub]

"Shut Up and smoke that.....It's the law." ~Denis Leary~

Greatness

[EndOfAnEra]

I'm Rick James, bitch.

[Commander Sheepard]

Don't know if it's my ALL-TIME favorite, but one that I just heard recently (again) that made me crack up was Jeff Foxworthy talking about how you don't want to hear certain things:

"That's why they invented terms like "female problems." Because if you're talking to me about discharge, you better be talking about the MILITARY. And it BETTER be honorable too."

Just struck me as funny.

Edited May 23, 2004 by bigsheep305

[thatshortguy]

Absolutely anything Bill Hicks has ever said about pro-lifers.

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It's irony on a base level, but it's still a fucking hoot.

So because I'm bored, here are snippits of some of my favorite skits:

Bill Hicks' "Rant In E Minor":

"Isn't that great? Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I think that's why you giggle for the first hour."

Dave Attell's "Skanks For The Memories":

"If I were a midget, I'd constantly be late for work. I'd come in hours late, and my boss would be all like "Why were you late?! I'm trying to run a chocolate factory here!! ATTELLLLLL!" "Why was I late?! Look at these lil' legs! There was a puddle! I had to swim it, fucker!"

Lewis Black's "Rules Of Enragement":

"Obviously another long Minnesota winter. It's nice to be here in the summer, 'cause I always come in the winter and wonder....why the fuck you would live here. Everyone always says "you should come here during the summer, it's exceptional." Yeah...cause you can move your fucking fingers and toes."

Adam Ferrara's "Comedy Central Presents" Special:

"But ya gotta fight...I mean, you gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up, you end up screaming at one another over something totally stupid like "Why'd you put this spoon in this droor?" "JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, that's why! I got spoons hidden ALL OVER THIS HOUSE! Keep it up and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing!!!"

George Carlin's "Jammin' In New York":

"What about those passengers travelling with large children?! S'pose you have a two year old with a pituitary disorder? Like a six-foot infant with an oversized head?!"

Mitch Hedberg's "Strategic Grill Locations":

"Sometimes I wave at people I don't know. Very dangerous to wave at people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker! This thing's useful! I'm gonna go pick something up."

Sam Kinison's "Live From Hell":

"My God, he showed up! It's not like the Joan Rivers Show, he actually showed up!"

[tristy]

I liked it when Bill Maher said something like this, which he apparently stole from Bill Hicks:

Of course Saddam has Weapons Of Mass Destruction...we have the receipt to prove it.

David Cross' comedy off of the Rock Against Bush DVD is pure gold, too. Too much to quote.

[Numbahs]

"I don't want people to label me as gay or straight, I just want them to see me for what I truly am.........white." ~ Sarah Silverman

Edited May 23, 2004 by Numbahs

[therockbox]

"One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger."

~ Peter Kay

[fineintent]

Anything from Eddie Murphy 'Delirious' is pretty good. Back in the day, Eddie Murphy was sooo funny.

Also anything from Sam Kinnison - especially when he talked about how the people who filmed Oxfam adverts had a sandwich that they didn't want to give the kids. 'Er, you better wait a minute, that kid doesn't look hungry enough.' Also his take on marriage jokes is unlike that of any comedian.

[apsham]

Mitch Hedberg's "Strategic Grill Locations":

"Sometimes I wave at people I don't know.  Very dangerous to wave at people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand?  They'll think you're cocky.  "Look what I got, motherfucker!  This thing's useful!  I'm gonna go pick something up."

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That CD, and Mitch himself is great. It's just constantly annoying to hear the bass playing in the background during the routine. One of my favorite things happened on a comedy show here in Canada.

What's with all these people not caring about racism? They say I don't care if your white, black, yellow, green, purple.... wait a minute, purple? You've got to draw the line somewhere's. To hell with purple people..... unless they're choking... then help them.

[Kaney]

The Crucifixtion by Billy Connelly.

Absolutely hilarious, every part of it.

Billy Connelly is one of the funniest guys about today, most of his stuff is brilliant

[ADG]

The Crucifixtion by Billy Connelly.

Absolutely hilarious, every part of it.

Billy Connelly is one of the funniest guys about today, most of his stuff is brilliant

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Snap, but the best part is after he's nailed to the cross:

They're all lookin' at me and chantin' "dae somethin', dae somethin', dae somethin'", so that's when I did the final miracle *touches his nose*

That's classic. Also there was one on the Comedy Store by Nina Conti. She had a stuffed monkey with her and did a ventriloquist act.

Nina: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey: Because he was dead...........*Audience laughs*.......Don't laugh it happens you know!

[Kaney]

Snap, but the best part is after he's nailed to the cross:

They're all lookin' at me and chantin' "dae somethin', dae somethin', dae somethin'", so that's when I did the final miracle *touches his nose*

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I loved the bit where the midget comes along with the spear(actual pole-type spear ). I was trying to find the script of it earlier but failed, otherwise I'd enlighten you all to the greatness that is Billy Connelly.

[R.W.]

"I could solve all the world's problems..... If I cared"

Ricky Gervais - "Animals"

[The Mask of Norro]

Dane Cook, my favorite comedian, has plenty of funny-as-hell lines...most of them are actually on his website as well. Here's a few:

We never had a pool right? So one summer I remember my dad, to make me happy, you know 'cause I was bummed out 'cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing it was yellow, he layed it on the lawn and sprayed it with water...Slip and Slide right? Yeah. Woulda been fun if dad checked for ROCKS before he put it down. Slip and bleed from the aaaaaanus is what they should have called this ride. I was like "Watch this mom" *pssh* "AHHH! NO! UAHH!"

I took a la-(there's a pause, he's laughing a little)- I took a ladies order one time, I'll never forget this I go like this I go "Ma'am that'll be $3.75 please drive around." and there's like this long pause and then she goes "Where do I go?". Where do you go? You follow the one fuckin' road you're on to ME. Where do you---okay ma'am you're gonna go to the Texaco station, take a right, go five and a half miles southeast. You're gonna see a guy in a yellow pancho; his name is Hank. He'll take you to the Whopper layer, that's where you go. And you've got 10 minutes to get there or we take your food.

How about this one? This is a fun one right? All you need for this is a pair of gloves, you take your gloves right? And go down to the bank, get behind all of the people in line in the bank and give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge. Wait until they turn around and when they turn around start putting the gloves on and go "Now would be a good time to leave."

And the news reporter was like "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it?" ...yeah, I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks. I've got this thing called a shark rocket, and I shoot it at them, and it REALLY annoys them. And then I just wade there for a little while, and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them, I know this hip move, it's something porpuses use, and then I pretend I have a bottle neck, and I stab them in the gils. And it's really effective.

There's alot more, but some are a bit long and I'm too lazy to type them all up, lol.

Edited May 23, 2004 by Norris Scott

[Riceman 4K]

"I like escalators cause they can never be broken. They only turn into stairs. You put up a sign that says, 'Broken Escalator: Sorry for the convience'"

"I wrote a script and sent it to a director and he told me that I needed to rewrite it. I said fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

[Boulder]

"Ain't nothin' a wino's scared of, except runnin' out of wine. A wino wouldn't be scared of Dracula. Transylvania? Yeah, I know where it is! You ain' t the smartest motherfucker in the world... even though you is the ugliest."

Richard Pryor