The BVS WWE: 2004-05

[The Third Dukes]

Just when I thought I was the only person who could do a rant in any style... okay, I never thought that, but work with me... along comes Engage. I asked him to look this PPV Vengeance thingy over, and here's what he had to say...

It’s time for the 12th most important PPV of the year, Vengeance.  Seriously though, if anyone had told me a year ago that Edge and Bull Buchanan would be second from the top on a PPV which would feature a kickboxing match, Colt Cabana and Konnan I’d have called you crazy and that PPV bad.  However, it has happened and it looks like a decent card so… yeah.  I guess I really don’t have a joke for that.  Oh well.

WWE Vengeance

From Hartford

Before we begin, I just want to point out that I find Cornette and Cole to be a pretty good commentary team.  They play their roles well, and no one takes verbal punishment quite the way Cole does.

Matt Hardy vs. Konnan: US Title

I hate Konnan’s little speech before every match.  I hated the Hartford Whalers.  Now I feel justified for my hate of Konnan.  Anyway, off the bat Hardy manages to miss a punch in the corner from point-blank range.  Not gets it blocked.  Misses.  Wow.  Konnan exhausts his spots by hitting the rolling clothesline and the face buster.  That gets two.  Elbow smash and… regular elbow get two.  Come on Konnan, you’re allowed to use more than that.  Matt shows Konnan how it’s done as he lands a low blow and gets a northern lights suplex for two.  Konnan is kicked into 3 Count for a 2 Count.  Konnan comes back with a kneelift.  Exciting.  A german suplex connects and Matt is knocked out of the ring.  Konnan does his first impressive move of the night with a dive onto all of Mattitude.  Konnan slams Matt’s face into the post, but Bossman does the same to Konnan.  Hardy rolls him up for two.  Twist of Fate is reversed by sending Hardy back out of the ring onto his followers.  Konnan blocks a sunset flip for two.  Hardy gets an assist to complete the flip for two.  Side Effect lands, but Hardy can’t hit the Legdrop.  Hard to miss that slow a target, but Hardy’s done that a few times tonight.  He must need a vision upgrade.  Konnan completely blotches a swinging neckbreaker, but Hardy sells anyway.  Moore saves his god.  Konnan tries to apply the Tequila Sunrise, but Hardy get out.  Double knockout clotheslines.  Bossman distracts as 3 Count interfere.  Road Dogg stops them.  He hits his stupid kneedrops, however, which allows Bossman to give the title to Matt.  One brainshot, and Matt retains.  This gets **1/4 because Konnan actually managed to keep it simple and sharp, as much as I hate to admit it.  Konnan had a really noticeable botch and the finish was completely overbooked though.  The right man went over.

Kidman rubs it in everyone’s face as he has an anniversary party.  But he forgot to get Torrie a gift.  I smell a sitcom!

Ultimo Dragon vs. Ron Killings vs. Jamie Noble: Cruiserweight Championship

Off the bat, Killings tries a rollup but Noble busts out a nifty sequence to get him with a suplex.  Ultimo gets a german suplex for one.  I have a feeling that this is going to get hard to recap.  Double dropkick sends Noble to the outside.  The formula lives!  Spinkick lands for Ultimo, but the Asai Moonsault gets knees.  Killings fights back and gets 7 of ten punches before Noble returns with a back suplex.  JAPANESE PALM THRUSTS send Noble to the corner, but Ultimo takes the Dragon Sleeper from Killings.  The irony is lost on most of the crowd.  Noble uses the Shining Wizard to break it up.  Ultimo goes up but Noble meets him there.  Killings stacks Noble and Ultimo must think Killings is Tajiri as he looks for the Stack Asai DDT.  Of course Killings stops it and ultimo face plants.  Electric chair gets two.  Ultimo gets a drop toehold after a Killings whip to Noble.  STF meets a Killings dropkick.  DDT by Noble on Killings.  Noble gets a single leg crab but Ultimo breaks it up.  Ultimo gets the moonsault for two after killings saves.  Bridged german on Killings gets two after Noble smashes to save.  This turned out not to be formula after all.  Nidia decides to attack Ultimo as Noble applies a leglock.  Ultimo staggers into Noble and Noble staggers into the ref for a pretty weak ref bump.  Pins for everyone ends in Heyman sitting on Killings leg.  Ouch.  I hope Killings can still walk.  Ultimo throws Noble out after Noble touches Heyman.  He then Asais onto all three of them.  Killings delivers a springboard planché, forgetting his knee is supposed to be hurt.  He remembers to sell after the move, though.  In the ring Noble knocks Killings down on the outside and rolls up Ultimo for two.  Killings returns with a noggin’ knocker.  Way to top off the high flying showcase, Ron.  He stuns Ultimo but Noble breaks up the cover, kicks him in the knee and applies the Figure Four for the win.  ***3/4 for a nice finish and some amazing three-way wrestling.  Killings poor selling of the knee dragged it down a bit for me, though.  Team Angle attacks everyone, until Tajiri and Cabana… I mean Scott Colt save.  This becomes a match.

Ultimo Dragon, Tajiri and Scott Colt vs. Kurt Angle, Eric Angle and Mike Barton

Tajiri and Colt are sent to the floor as Ultimo gets beaten down.  Belly-to-belly and the fist get two.  Baton tags in and beats down Ultimo more he gets a knee to the face for two.  Eric and Barton connect on an awesome crossbody/powerbomb combo.  Colt takes advantage of the referees turned back and gets a DDT to try and turn the tide.  Ultimo just can’t catch a break though, as he takes a Angle Slam.  Barton tags Kurt.  Triple germans lead into an overhead, which leads into a double suplex from Eric and Barton.  Eric applies an assisted abdominal stretch.  A cool spot sees Tajiri pretend to use the mist, allowing Ultimo a hiptoss.  Tajiri roundhouses Eric and leaves the ring.  Ultimo goes to tag, but he must have drawn the short straw tonight as Kurt drags him back.  Hart Attack gets Eric two.  Ultimo is set up on the top.  Kurt is tagged in but the pop up suplex is blocked and Ultimo gets an Asai DDT.  Kurt should know that only works as a counter.  Hot tag finally lets Ultimo out of the match, as Colt goes to school on Barton.  Eric gets a DDT as Tajiri locks Kurt in the Tarantula.  Slingshot legdrop lands on barton, but Eric smashes Colt.  Barton and Eric look for a backdrop, but take double DDTs.  The DDT appears to be Colt’s move of the night.  What is that so far in this match, 4?  Colt and Tajiri whip Barton and Eric into each other.  Kurt won’t stand for that and Angle Slams Colt.  Barton gets two from it.  Barton shows his complete and utter incompetence as his TKO is blocked.  After the Angle Slam, I think I could have hit that.  Anyways, german gets two on Barton.  Baton gets knocked out of the ring, but Eric enters and suplexes Colt.  Then, in a bizarre occurrence Kurt tags in by tagging Eric.  It counts… somehow.  Way to go, Jack Doan.  Tajiri mists Kurt, and since Colt’s gimmick seems to be beating Angle he does so with a rollup.  This gets **** for Ultimo’s beating and it being just as impressive and interesting as the last match, but with more suplexes.

Summerslam hard sell.  It’s in five weeks people!  You should begin calling your cable provider now!

Filthy Animals vs. Worlds Greatest Tag Team: WWE Tag Team Championship

Haas powers Rey into the corner and cheap shots him on the break.  I love that heel tactic.  Chop sends Rey to the corner, so Rey decides to knock down Benjamin while he’s there.  Rey gives Haas a rana and dropkicks him into Shelton.  Kidman sends Shelton out of the ring and gets the rana to send him out.  Double dropkick and Cornette freaks out... until he remembers what year it is.  Double leg drops land for one.  Kidman dives to the floor onto Benjamin as Haas manages to get a Rear Naked Stretch off of a counter.  It gets two.  Benjamin is tagged in and gets an assisted elbow for two.  Kneedrop, headlock and fisherman’s suplex follow for two.  Belly-to-belly connects and Haas is tagged.  Haas goes up as Rey gets a handspring elbow on Shelton.  Haas lands a flying clothesline and oklahoma roll for two.  I’d say something witty but this has been great so far.  Tag to Shelton.  World’s Greatest Double Team is reversed into the headscissors in a nice looking spot.  Tope rope Lou Thez by Rey on Shelton.  Tag to Kidman.  10 punch and a monkey flip to Shelton.  Kidman’s hoping to execute that one tonight too.  DDT to Shelton, clothesline to Haas and my favorite wrestler is a HOUSE ON FIRE!  Crossbody to both men, but the Kid Krusher is broken up.  Benjamin gets a german for two.  Tag to Haas.  Superkick/Tiger Suplex gets two.  That hurt to watch.  Haas gets a clothesline and a brainbuster for two.  After getting the tag, Shelton comes off the top with a 450 for two.  The SPIKE F’N PILEDRIVER CONNECTS!  KIDMAN IS DEAD!  Hass tags in and tries the Angle Slam, but Kidman connects with a desperation bulldog.  Kidman can’t move yet so Haas tags out.  Shelton attempts a powerbomb but you can’t powerbo… WHAT!?  Powerbomb connects.  My world is shattered.  Rey saves on the cover.  Kidman manages to pull the ropes down to send Benjamin to the outside.  Hot tag to Mysterio.  Mysterio gets a running rana on Haas, but referee Brian Hebner didn’t see the tag.  Back to Kidman as a face in peril as he gets clubbed with the belt.  The man is being punished for being married to a stripper.  Haas tags in and gets the atomic drop/superkick gets two.  Kidman manages a nice matrix into a suplex.  Haas makes the tag first and Benjamin cuts off Kidman.  Shelton tries another powerbomb, which Kidman tries to counter.  Shelton simply moves and Kidman face plants.  That was tight.  Tag to Haas but Kidman lands a double clothesline.  Enzuigri to Benjamin and Kidman finally makes the tag!  Mysterio plays the hot babyface as he goes through the hot tag spots.  Moonsault to both WGTT members.  Rey drops the dime on Benjamin, but Haas saves.  Kidman saves Rey from a corner clothesline and gets a Diamond Dust on Haas.  619 connects to Benjamin.  Benjamin takes the Kid Krusher for two.  Apparently the save made Kidman legal.  Haas rolls Kidman up for two after Rey saves.  This match has lost all order with whose legal.  Haas tries to throw Kidman out but he holds on and sunset flips him.  That gets two.  Shelton flips Haas on top.  That gets two.  Rey flips it back.  That gets two.  Shelton decides he’s sick of doing that and clotheslines Rey.  Kidamn manages to throw Haas out as Benjain goes up.  The Flithy Animals hit a cool looking Pop-Up Double ‘Rana for the win.  Awesome match that was only hurt a little bit by everyone being legal at the end.  ****3/4.  Most of Team Angle runs out and destroys the Animals.  Torrie, freaking out, checks on her man. 

In the back, Piper isn’t pleased. 

Rob Van Dam vs. Nathan Jones:  Kickboxing Match- Mills Lane as official

This is kickboxing.  I don’t know how to recap this.  They kick each other a lot.  They punch each other a lot.  RVD seems to be able to hold Jones off very well and score a lot of points, but Jones always manages to score the big shot to rock RVD.  This goes the full five rounds, with Jones knocking RVD out but RVD being saved by the bell.  RVD gets it on points.  Jones isn’t pleased and KO’s Lane.  RVD fights off Jones and lands the Five-Star Frog Splash to pop the crowd.  This doesn’t get a rating for not being a match, but I have to say it was freakishly entertaining, if only because of the oddity of a rigged kickboxing match.  Not something I’d want to see often, but it was extremely well executed.

Edge vs. Bull Buchanan:  Number One Contendership- Street Fight

I wish the WWE would have the balls to hotshot the title shot to Bull, if only to make these matches seem more legit in the future.  Fistfight to start, which is won by Edge.  After an irish whip, Bull does his agility move where he jumps up top and gets a clothesline on a charging Edge.  I never get tired of that spot.  Bull slams Edge and gets the blatant choke.  Powerslam gets two.  Bull runs into a Spear, which I still don’t buy from someone with Edge’s build.  Edge rolls out and grabs a chair.  One of the RTC’s beliefs must be that chairs are for sitting, because Bull wastes no time wasting Edge with it.  Cover gets two.  Bull throws Edge out but misses a chair shot as he follows.  Edge throws him into the steps and smashes him with the chair.  Edge tries a cover but it isn’t that kind of a Street Fight.  He ushers Bull into the ring and grabs a shovel.  Now why on earth would a shovel be under the ring?  They fight over the shovel until Bull absolutely destroys Edge with it!  That made the entire crowd wince.  Bull launches Edge out of the ring onto the dropped chair.  Bull grabs the stairs but Edge chairs them back into his face.  Bull comes back with a low blow and throws Edge into the barrier.  Bull exposes the concrete and lands the big powerbomb.  Edge has already taken a few viscous bumps so far.  RTC salute and Bull gets a table.  After throwing Edge into the ring, Bull looks for the powerbomb, but Edge has the shovel and clocks Bull with it.  Cover gets two.  Missile dropkick connects and Edge goes for the chair.  One man con-chair-to is late, and the two chair fight.  Edge manages a DDT.  Legdrop misses, but Edge still beats Bull up and gets the Sharpshooter variation.  Bull fight out with a chair but the spinebuster is reversed to a face jam.  Bull comes back with a cool looking superplex through a table, but both men are hurt.  I dig the fact the same few weapons have been used the whole match.  Bull manages to roll onto Edge for two.  Bull exposes the turnbuckle pad but Edge slings him into it and rolls Bull up for two.  Bull gets a Big Boot out of nowhere and goes up top.  Sadly, he doesn’t try his awesome looking top rope axe-kick, and misses a legdrop.  Edge-e-cution is countered, and Bull low blows Edge with the SHOVEL!  Every man in the building just grabbed their crotch and looked on in pain.  However, when Bull lifts Edge up he gets caught in a sunset flip.  Cover gets the three.  *** for a very stiff, very brutal match which should legitimize Edge’s challenge in the eyes of a lot of fans.  Also, Bull looked very good and will be helped by dishing out as much punishment as he did. 

MAIN EVENT:  Eddie Guerrero vs. The Undertaker- WWE Title

Right off the bat Guerrero gets a punch no sold.  That’s not a good sign.  Then a series of tackles and punches get no sold.  Eddie’s blind charge hits the corner, and Taker gets the clothesline.  Flying clothesline misses and Eddie turns the tide with a brainbuster.  That gets two.  Taker nearly beats Eddie up and looks for the Choke Slam.  Eddie fights out and sends Taker out of the ring.  Taker is, of course, perfectly fine but Eddie lands a dive.  Back in, the slingshot senton gets two.  I like that move, but it has zero impact.  Taker with the boot, just because Eddie was starting to look good.  Powerslam gets two.  Sidewalk slam gets two.  Big boot is countered into the Lasso, but Taker gets the ropes.  Eddie attacks the knee, and gets the rolling verticals for two.  More knee work and a springboard splash get two.  Brainbuster connects but the Frog Splash misses.  Taker gets a sort-of Choke Slam but gets crotched attempting the Old School.  Hurricarana sends Taker to the outside.  Eddie preps the announce table (Spanish), but of course Taker won’t take the bump and Eddie ends up taking the Choke Slam through the table.  Taker hasn’t budged from his set of five trademark moves tonight.  He tries the Tombstone, but Eddie does the Japan counter into his own.  Taker does the same, but Eddie floats into an inverted DDT.  That saved the match from being a DUD.  Eddie comes off the top with the Crossface from El Passo.  Eddie works it into a rollup for the win.  * for a disappointment.  In their previous matches Taker tried new things and bumped.  This time he forgot about the knee and wouldn’t do anything that could make him look weak.  He wouldn’t even tap out, as Eddie had to roll him up.  See why the previous matches worked and this one didn’t?

Closing:  Great PPV which was only hurt by a bad main event.  Even Konnan and Jones came to play.  Find this now for the three-way, the six-man, the tag title contest and Bull/Edge.  Amazing show.

←

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarK RAW Rant for July 26 / 04.

- Live from Pittsburgh, PA, the place you stick the hose when America gets an enema.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and Diamond Dallas Page.

- RNN: So Randy Orton promises to make mincemeat of Chris Harris and make an example out of him for when Sting comes a-callin'. Still, Harris has a little potential (as Orton uses a colorful analogy to demonstrate how little), and a slot in Evolution is ready whenever he wants it. But first, our guest today: Eric Bischoff. Bischoff thanks the millions of his fans (who show their affection by booing) and then announces Team RAW's four combatants for the All-Star Match: Kane, Christian (major boos), Shawn Michaels, and of course HHH. Wow, they're loading it up this year. Bischoff also says he's opened the bankbooks and pulled out a couple of heavy hitters for Mondo and Dreamer tonight, in order to see if they really ARE the best RAW has to offer. No hints, though, which draws out Dreamer. Dreamer's speech to the ECW Arena is shown (appropriately censored), after which he goes off on Bischoff...

Dreamer: "Can you do that, Eric? Can you honestly say that you've become a hero in any organization? Look me in the eye, Eric! Look at me! Look at the scars on my face -- scars from being busted open a thousand different ways. Look at the bruises on my arms -- bruises that I got from chairs, canes, and hundreds of other weapons. Look at my hands -- hands whose fingers aren't perfect because they've been broken by some of the most sadistic SOBs that ever wrestled! Look at my back -- all deformed from years of deciding it was easier to wrestle than to have surgery! All these things have made me who I am right now -- a hero and a star! They're all more than you'll ever have, Eric! So go ahead, tell me who it is. I don't care. Because I and Nick Mondo are ready to kick their ass and add their names to the list of people who doubted me, underestimated me, and in the end, respected me!"

- HUGE "ECW" chants break out from this. Eric simply shrugs and tells Tommy to get his gear, cuz their match is first up. Dreamer is ruling it right now, and the trip to the Bingo Hall may have just lit a fire under him.

- World Tag Team Titles: Tommy Dreamer and Nick Mondo v. KroniK. JR points out that it was Kane and Undertaker who fought in KroniK's last match on the big stage some three years ago in what was a "brutal, horrific match". I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments. It's a huge, HUGE brawl to start as the Briyiyiyiyiyans pound the champs into the ground. Double boot to Mondo as Dreamer gets rabbit punched by Bischoff, and Adams with a full-nelson slam to make Mondo YOUR face in peril. Clarke gets a pumphandle slam for two. Adams goes old-school with the head vice slam for two. Tilt-a-whirl by Clarke gets two. Kroni>| with a spike powerbomb for two. Mondo ducks under a double clothesline, though, and he climbs up the ropes, coming off with perhaps the most awesome move variation I've ever seen: he does his M.Bison off the top rope, bounces off Adams' head, then bounces off of Clarke's head, resulting in a triple KO. Beautiful. Hot tag Dreamer, and he goes through the usual. Bischoff kisses Stacy just to be a dick, so Mondo dives onto Bischoff. This leaves Dreamer alone, though, and High Times gets two before Mondo dashes back in to save. Bischoff distracts the ref, but that only allows Mondo to SHATTER a cane over Clarke's head, and Dreamer gets the Dreamer Driver for the pin at 8:24. Not as brutally horrible as I was fearing, but KroniK are past it now and any sort of marketing value they had was lost in 2001 thanks to the Brothers of Push Destruction. * Michael Shane helps lead a 3-on-2 beatdown.

- Chris Jericho is headed to a photo shoot somewhere in Pittsburgh, and a few fans are gathered around. Jericho signs some autographs when a fan yells for Jericho to turn around. Jericho, being the idiot he is, does so, and Rhyno nails a GORE GORE GORE on Jericho on the asphalt in the parking lot where the photo shoot is being held. Bear in mind one gore in the ring is instant death. The fans help Jericho to his feet and check if he's okay, but they're fans so they wind up leaving him open. GORE GORE GORE again and Jericho is back down. Rhyno makes sure to thank the fans as he leaves. Paramedics arrive and check on Jericho. Rhyno smiles at the damage he's done. Man, if this doesn't make Jericho a major underdog (leg injury + challenger + GORE), nothing will.

- Chynna Doll v. Stacy Keibler. Winner of this match gets a Women's title shot next week. Stacy's slaps are no-sold by Chynna, so Stacy tries to rake the eyes. That goes nowhere, and Chynna tosses Stacy all over the ring. Powerbomb, gorilla press, and drop sleeper finish at 3:02, although Stacy is back up soon after arguing the count. Let's just pretend Chynna was named the top contender by Eric Bischoff and go on, shall we? -*

- HHH wants to talk to Christian about strategy, but Christian isn't sure he wants to hear it. HHH insults him about his losing attitude, and Christian lets HHH think about all he's been through. "You ever lost to a girl?" Well, does divorce court count, Reso? Anyway, HHH shoves Christian, who walks off in a huff... until Kane arrives and the heels clean house. HBK tries to save, but to no avail. Bischoff storms in and chews out the heels for not playing as a team, and tells all four men there's a tag match tonight to settle things.

- Chris Harris v. Randy Orton. Harris tells Orton where he can stick his offer for a spot in Evolution pre-match. Orton backs Harris into the corner... and slaps him. Oooh, it's ON. Harris opens up a can of whoop-ass on Orton, tossing him out of the ring and nailing a baseball slide and super missile dropkick to the floor. Back in, Harris tries the Catatonic but Orton stands and clotheslines Harris down. Orton stomps away and gets a German suplex for two. Clothesline and Harris is sent out. Orton tosses Harris into the STEEL steps, and back in, it gets two. Orton gets Play of the Day for two. RKO try is ducked and Harris gets a Hening-esque neck snap as Orton sits down in pain. Funny. Harris with a lariat for two. Orton jumps a spear attempt, however, and nails a neckbreaker on the rebound. We HIT THE CHINLOCK as we go to break. We come back with Harris elbowing out of the hold and hitting a crossbody on Orton for two. Orton catches a second try and switches it to a Catatonic (formerly known as "That F*cking Move") for two. He tosses Harris into the corner and Stinger Splashes him, but his Deathlock try is reversed to a Sharpshooter by Harris out of nowhere. Orton scrambles to the ropes, but Harris takes advantage and gets a clothesline and dropkick to send Orton bailing again. Harris gets a slingshot plancha on Orton, and back in, Harris with a springboard legdrop for two. Orton crotches Harris on another high-flying attempt and superplexes him for two. Orton argues the count, but that allows Harris to roll Orton up for two. Harris tries a Stinger Splash, but Orton sends him flying out of the ring instead (MAJOR bump there) and Batista appears to destroy Harris for the countout at 15:35. I do NOT like the finish, but the buildup was sweet and I have all sorts of confidence in Orton/Sting at SummerSlam. *** And speaking of the Stinger, here he comes to make the save. This would seem to set up another tag match, but Harris and Sting as a team can't do anything good for either man -- Sting is a loner, and Harris needs to break out of the Stinger's shadow.

- And now, with Trish injured and the other two women off to fight, Molly FINALLY gets her way...

Molly: "Christian? Can we talk?"

Christian (nervous): "Oh, um... well, I, uh... why?"

Molly: "Because for the past couple months, I've been trying to say something."

Christian: "I'm sure ya have. But I don't wanna hear it."

Molly: "Christian, I--"

Christian: "No, save it. I know what you're gonna say. You're right. I am pathetic. Everyone knows it. I said some stupid things and made you do some stupid things. And now everyone out there thinks I'm a loser. You hear them. You have to."

Molly: "But--"

Christian: "And it's all because of how I treated you! I'm not good enough to be an All-Star. I'm not right for this. Every week I think of what a failure I am -- not a professional failure, a PERSONAL failure. I'm sorry, Molly. I'm just an asshole who's never gonna make it."

Molly: "Christian, wait!"

Christian: "What? You wanna rub it in? You wanna join all these losers in Pittsburgh in rubbing it in? You wanna gloat about your title and taking it from me, leaving me the laughingstock of the locker room? Go ahead! You've earned it! I'll listen."

Christian sits down, tears forming in his eyes.

Molly: "Christian... I forgive you."

Christian looks up, confused.

JR (confused): "She what?"

DDP (ready to explode in joy): "She does?"

Christian: "But... why?"

Molly: "Because you're not the worst thing to happen to me, and you never will be. You've said things, yeah, and they hurt. But not as bad as the hurt I've felt before. Christian, you're a good guy deep down. You just need to believe you are. You started to get all wrapped up in the boy/girl thing, and I got in it, too. But in the end... it's just a match and a title. It's not as important as my life -- or your life. Christian, I'm not mad at you. I can't be."

DDP (cheering): "All right!"

JR: "How in the hell...?"

DDP: "Shhh!"

Christian: "Thanks... that means so much. I... I'm sorry... I... thank you."

He goes to hug her, but she jumps back.

Molly: "Whoa, wait a second. I'm not ready for that from you. I just want to move on. You've still got work to do if you want me to trust you. But I'm still ready to forgive you."

She offers her hand.

Molly: "Deal?"

JR: "Molly, what the hell are you doing??"

DDP: "Shut up, Ross!"

Christian shakes it.

Christian: "Deal. And thank you."

Molly walks off. Christian is smiling, breathing a sigh of relief, as though a burden fell from his shoulders.

- DDP talks about forgiveness in "Good Thing Bad Thing", but JR interrupts and says Christian is beyond help. The two argue about Molly's actions as the next match begins.

- Handicap match: Chris Nowinski v. Tracy and Alexis Laree. The announcers continue to argue over Molly's decision, with JR claiming Christian will show his true colors and DDP firing back that JR is showing HIS. Ouch. As the announcers ignore the match, so do I, and it ends with Nowinski beating Laree in 5:33. 1/2* DDP claims that if Christian were to come to Molly's aid, JR would do a 180 and praise the kid. JR: "He'll never help her out. He's a pathetic little bastard." DDP: "You make your own opinion and let Molly make hers -- or are you gonna tell her how to behave the same way that D--" Sadly, DDP's mic is cut off before he finishes that line, presumably because the criminal case is still pending, but the point is made.

- Rhyno returns from the photo shoot and gloats to Eric Bischoff. Bischoff appears happy that Jericho will never be champion, and claims that everything is falling into place. As Rhyno leaves, though, Bischoff expresses some doubt about Rhyno's chance, but promises he has a "backup plan".

- Main event: Kane and Christian v. Shawn Michaels and Triple H. Christian has a noticeable spring in his step again. Kane jumps the gun on Michaels as they brawl all over the damn place. HHH slugs away on Christian and USES THE KNEE~! to its full effect. Kane enters and chokeslams HHH, getting two for Christian. Michaels jumps back in with a bodypress on Kane, then catches a charging Christian with a back body drop. HHH spears down Kane, while Christian gets set on the top rope. Michaels tries a superplex, but Christian reverses to a top-rope tornado DDT as the ref escorts HHH out. Christian gets a last shot in on HHH, who delivers a facecrusher to Christian in reply to slow him down. Both (legal) men charge, and Christian knocks Michaels over with a clothesline. He goes to the Rear Naked Stretch for two. Kane enters and boots Michaels to the outside, where Christian sends him into the STEEL steps. Back in, Kane with a powerslam for two. Christian gets a double axhandle and tries for the Unprettier, but HBK throws him off and clotheslines him down. Hot tag HHH, who blows through Christian before Kane boots him and gets the flying clothesline. It's BONZO GONZO (already?) as Michaels dives onto Kane on the outside and HHH introduces a sledgehammer. The ref is hit by mistake and it's a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 9:00 or so. * All four men brawl to the back, where they exchange more weapon shots. And as they all get separated by the rest of the RAW locker room, we see Roddy Piper in the background, smiling. Nice touch.

The Bottom Line:

Very much an experimental show as the main issues to SummerSlam (Jericho/Rhyno, Sting/Orton) get the full build. I wonder if Molly's forgiveness will stick or be used as an excuse, and really I can't see anyone supporting Christian with JR going the way he is. Add in that next week, the WWE's in San Antonio, and I'm not exactly feeling good about the buildup. Then again, they've gone on long enough with the Jericho thing, and the blowoff can't happen soon enough.

So basically, can we just fast-forward to SummerSlam?

*****

July 29, 2004

WWE.com

We go to the Riverfront, as Cincinnati, OH brings us another edition of the best sports entertainment out there, SmackDown!

Last week, we had a WarGames worthy of the name that ended in a surprise turn of events -- Eric Angle sabotaged his team's chances! Kurt is furious and has promised to send Eric to defeat tonight when the two brothers meet one-on-one! Can Kurt send a lesson to his brother, or will Eric show Kurt what he's been overlooking all this time?

Last week, Roddy Piper rewarded the APA for stepping up to the plate in WarGames with a WWE Tag Team Title shot. Tonight, they get that chance as Faarooq and Bradshaw face off against their WarGames teammates, Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio! Who's gonna walk out of this battle of power vs. speed with the belts around their waists? And can either team defeat Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam on August 15th?

Jamie Noble won't go down without a fight, and that's what he plans to give Ultimo Dragon. After a telephone to the head -- the same weapon that got Ultimo the victory at the Royal Rumble -- helped the Dragon get the Cruiserweight title in Philadelphia, Noble is using his rematch tonight. Can he win the belt back, or is the Man from JAPAN that much better?

All this and more -- including words from the Undertaker -- tonight at 8/7 Central on UPN! Be sure to Smack Your TV to catch all the action!

[DonaldMick]

*marks the fuck out for Bret Hart references*

Kronik? Well lemme ask ya brother, what are you smoking and where can I get some?

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Jul 29 / 04, taped Jul 27.

- From Sin-cinnati, OH.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and James E. Cornette.

- Opening match: Matt Hardy and Bull Buchanan v. Rob Van Dam and Konnan. MATT FACTS~!: Matt believes in censoring drugs, and Matt is a registered Republican. I'm sure he's just saying that. The Republican thing, anyway. Oh yeah, the match: faces clean house, as Bull gets double-kicked and double-clotheslined while Matt bails and cheerleads. Konnan sees this and baseball slides him into an RVD somersault pescado. Back in, RVD gets bodyslammed by Bull, into a legdrop for two. Matt enters and gets a Northern Lights suplex for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. The heels do DEMOLITION DECAPITATION~! with a Hardy yodelling legdrop. Bull goes to the body-vice drop for two. Rebound lariat gets two. Bull is feeling it. Hardy enters, but the Twist of Fate is blocked when the kick is caught and RVD does the stepover enzuigiri. Hot tag Konnan, who does his usual three or four moves of doom. Heels collide on a double-team try, but RVD's bodypress is caught into a powerslam by Bull. Bull boots Konnan down and out of the ring, while Hardy gets the Twist of Fate on RVD to win it at 6:03. Fun little match there, but I question the sanity of jobbing out RVD -- actually, wait; given that Mattitude and 3 Live Kru have the issues, and Bull is being given a push, RVD had to job. If only Bull wasn't being given a push... but that's another rant. **

- Edge prepares with Paul Heyman for the six-man tag later tonight. Edge promises to win the title in HIS town of Toronto. The usual cookie-cutter promo from Edge, and nothing we haven't heard a million times.

- Cruiserweight title: Ultimo Dragon v. Jamie Noble. The rematch the world wanted to see. Actually, the only thing that confuses me is what this is doing on SD and not at SummerSlam. Anyway, we forgo the lockup and do some chain-wrestling, as Ultimo gets a headlock and rides him down. Noble elbows out and switches to an armbar as Ultimo tries to stand. Ultimo gets to his knees, so Noble goes to a wristlock as Ultimo stands and grabs for a jawbreaker. Noble shoves out and Ultimo flips off the ropes over Noble. Backslide attempt, but Noble flips out over THAT and holds a front chancery. Ultimo turns it to a monkey flip and grabs a legbar. Dig that chain wrestling. Noble kicks out of it and gets a drop toehold, trying an anklelock, but Ultimo is to his feet. Noble just Dragon Screws Dragon and tries a spinning toe hold, but Ultimo flips him over to a pinning predicament for one. Both men up, and the crowd applauds. Nice that. Now Noble and Ultimo go for MIDGET VIOLENCE, won by Ultimo. Dropkick and a proper Dragon Screw follow, and Ultimo dropkicks the knee for good measure. Ultimo grabs a seated legbar, but Noble does the same and they begin elbowing the hell out of each other's legs. Noble drops the hold first, but Ultimo can't stand to put more pressure on and loses his grip. Noble gets a spinkick (good leg) to send Ultimo out, and they brawl on the outside. Nidia distracts Heyman -- like that'll work -- allowing Noble to clobber Paul E and steal the phone. I guess we know which one's calling the spots now. Ultimo tries his ropeflip fakeout again, but the knee collapses on the landing. Noble tries a figure-four, but HIS knee collapses. Brilliant. So both men are hobbling to their feet, and both try dropkicks, which leads to a double KO. Nidia on the apron stops the count as Noble uses the CELL PHONE OF DEATH on Ultimo's knee, and a figure-four leads to a blackout pin at 14:03. That match should've ended by tapout, but I guess they're saving themselves for the finish. ***3/4 And indeed, here's Piper with more:

Piper: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with you two guys, anyhow? Jamie Noble, ya think yer proud of yerself for the way ya won the title, stealing it with that damn phone? Of course, I know what yer gonna say -- but Uncle Roddy, Ultimo used it last week! -- and I say, damn right he did! C'mon, Ultimo-SAHN, ain't ya better'n that? What, did the samurai of the middle ages use cell phones? I don't think so! So lemme tell ya how we're gonna do this. As of this very moment, the Cruiserweight champion ain't either one of ya! That's right, ol' Uncle Roddy's askin' fer the belt and keepin' it until SummerSlam! And at that time, I'm gonna have you Ultimo and you Jamie Noble go one-on-one, and the first guy to get a fall will... Actually, the first guy to get a fall won't get anything. Cuz I just know that Paulie over there or Nidia over there will do somethin'. So instead, I'm gonna make it best two out of three! You want the title? You gotta go all the way! This is Olympics time, and I won't be satisfied until one of ya proves to get the gold -- no silver, no bronze, just a gold! You two ready? All right -- Michael Cole, stop telling dirty jokes to Cornette and get the belt. I'll see the two of ya at SummerSlam -- and maybe you'll make it to the afterparty."

- And may I just say THANK YOU!!! This is a gift from the workrate gods!!!

- Edge, Tajiri, and Scott Colt v. Mike Barton and World's Greatest Tag Team. I'd mourn the demise of Team JAPAN, but (1) Ultimo/Noble is just that much better and (2) Colt's more than adequate as a replacement. DA04 attacks WGTT off the bat, and Tajiri scores a handspring elbow on Haas. Shelton fires off a kick that misses on Colt, who gets a suplex on Shelton before Barton drops a fist. Haas gets a T-Bone suplex on Colt (!!), and he brings in Shelton for a double suplex. Shelton with an arm-and-legbar at once, but Tajiri kicks him dead-on to stop it. Tajiri goes out, so Barton slips on the glove and smashes Colt with it. Shelton gets two. Leapfrog choke gets two for Haas, and a German suplex follows for two. Barton in with an uppercut and legdrop for two. Shelton misses the 450 when Colt rolls away, hot tag Edge. SPEARS FOR EVERYONE! Sharpshooter on Haas (not his variant, just a regular move), but Barton with a discus punch to break and it's BONZO GONZO. Barton gets a TKO on Colt, but Edge delivers the Edgecution for the pin at 9:16. **1/2 Eddie congratulates him on the win and reminds him that no matter where they are, he's still Latino Heat. He will be champion come the end of SummerSlam. VIVA GUERRERO~! And is that a veiled threat at Cheating 2 Win?

- WWE Tag Team Titles: Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio v. APA. Torrie accompanies Kidman this week, and she certainly looks happy. I hear that backstage, Kidman and Torrie are giving relationship counselling to Eric Angle and Nidia. I wonder how the women's side of that conversation is going. "Trust me, girl, after you get the fake boobs and pose nude in a magazine for millions of horny teenagers, he'll fall in love with you all over again!" Kidman and Faarooq start, and Kidman gets a crossbody for one before Faarooq pounds him down. APA try a double slam, but Kidman lands on his feet and scores a series of spinkicks. Rey in, and the champs do a double rana to bail the APA to the floor, where the Animals stupidly follow. Why is it stupid? Because it's brawl time on the floor, and the APA own that. Back in, Faarooq with a powerslam on -- who else? -- Kidman for two as the APA play heels here for the hell of it. Bradshaw enters with a fallaway slam for two. Big boot gets two. Faarooq with the ANGRY MAN SPINEBUSTER for two. Tackle gets two. Bradshaw's clothesline misses, Kidman with a rana, hot tag Rey. Rana for Bradshaw! Rana for Faarooq! APA bails and Kidman does the backflip onto both before tossing Bradshaw back in for the 6-1-9 for two. Kidman tries a bodypress but airballs it. APA toss Rey and Bradshaw tries a powerbomb, but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Faarooq gets hiptossed as Rey returns and Drops the Dime for two. Kidman misses a blind charge and takes the Clothesline from Texas, but Rey with the West Coast Hop for the pin at 10:03. APA are at their best against lightweights, oddly enough. **3/4

- Matt Hardy "Tell Me I'm Fake" ad. Yeah, as if.

- WWE Title: Eddie Guerrero v. Hurricane. Handshake to start. Hurricane with a clean break, but Eddie chops out of it and slams Hurricane into the turnbuckle. Suplex and slingshot senton get two. Hurricane gets a Shining Wizard, but his flying jalapeno is countered to an armbar. Eddie stands Hurricane up and gets a rana, then the rolling verticals. To the top, but Hurricane follows with a superplex. Eddie bails, so Hurricane tries a tope suicida, but Eddie misses and Hurricane splats on the outside. Back in, Gory Special 2000 and Frog Splash finish at 4:42. *1/4

- Undertaker announces that he will face the demon his brother has become at SummerSlam. So that's one down, three to go for the All-Star Match. I hope the other three can carry him...

- Kurt Angle is out and has the mic, which is always fun. He demands an apology from his brother and says he's willing to forgive the emotional outburst. Eric walks out, and Kurt just wants to know why. Eric keeps trying to explain, but Kurt cuts him off and calls him a loser and an idiot brother who never amounted to anything. "You see these? That's two more golds than you'll ever hold!" Kurt even calls Eric jealous and says he HAS to do everything Kurt does. Eric just stands and shakes his head the whole time before clubbing Kurt as the match begins.

- Main event: Eric Angle v. Kurt Angle. Eric pounds away on Kurt as the crowd goes nuts. Eric with a belly-to-belly and a kneedrop for two. Crowd chants "Angle Sucks", so Eric looks around in confusion in a funny bit. Kurt takes advantage and schoolboys his brother for two. Kurt with an overhead suplex for two. Kurt goes up top, but the moonsault misses as Cornette claims that Eric "knew he was gonna do that". Yeah, him and everyone else in Ohio. Eric with a DDT for two. To the outside, where Kurt low blows him and gets a medal-assisted punch. Back in, Kurt gets the rolling Germans, bridging on the last one for two. Kurt tosses Eric into the turnbuckle and rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for two. I love how Kurt doesn't need to cheat but is doing so anyway. Kurt with another overhead suplex and the strap comes down, but Eric slides to the outside. Kurt follows and chases Eric, but in the ring, Eric turns and gets a suplex of his own for two. Eric goes up, but Kurt with the Pop-Up Superplex for two. Ref is bumped, and Kurt gets an Ankle Lock, but Rey Rey runs in and ranas Kurt off of Eric and into the ropes. 6-1-9 as the ref comes to, and Eric with an Angle Slam of his own for the upset at 8:45. Not bad. **1/4 Rey laughs at Kurt as we go off the air.

The Bottom Line:

Well, the Cruiser match should rock your world and not even bother to call you in the morning, while everyone in the tag match is going to work hard. Brock Lesnar comes back next week, as does Benoit, so the SummerSlam card ought to shape up even better. My question is, where do you go with Eric? You've already blown off his Kurt issue and he hasn't even explained himself!

Okay, on second thought, that isn't necessarily bad...

*****

Hey, folks, me again.

Guess what? With this show, I officially reach one game year of booking! Yay! So let's do some survey stuff... respond to whatever you want, freestyle. What's worked for you? What hasn't? Who's been the surprise of the diary? Who have I botched that should've been a home run? What change of direction from the real WWE has been the best for me? The worst? And is there anything else you wanna say (constructive... although "good job" is appreciated, I'd like some help more than anything else, or some pointers on what to continue.)

I'll let you know my own opinions after a long weekend, and it's back to RAW in San Antonio at that time. TWO WEEKS TO SUMMERSLAM! SMELL THE BUYRATE!

Or is that Piper's tube of Ben-Gay?

[syck]

Live from Pittsburgh, PA, the place you stick the hose when America gets an enema.

[Kane's Mullet Slacker]

I know I haven't posted in a while but I loved the throwback to the old BVS with the Wargames match. I'm glad to finally see some closure to the Molly-Christian thing. Summerslam, to steal a phrase from the greatest color man in wrestling today, Tazz, is shaping up to be a ROCKETBUSTAH~! I'm glad to hear that Benoit is returning because I've missed him. Chris Harris is good addtion to the WWE roster as I think he'd fight in well and be able to work the WWE style. The old school Cell Phone shot had me marking out! And that comment Piper made...

C'mon, Ultimo-SAHN, ain't ya better'n that? What, did the samurai of the middle ages use cell phones? I don't think so!

[ROC]

This is a great diary, Dukes. Virch is gold! Anyways, I'm liking Scott Colt. It seems every match he's in isn't too bad on therating scale so I say: PUSH SCOTT COLT!

*continues Push Scott Colt chant*

[The Third Dukes]

A few thoughts from the Man in Charge:

* I've started a request for a good SummerSlam poster. Thanks to DBD, whose neat Molly and Kurt pic opens the bidding. Think YOU can do better? Go the Graphics Forum and try.

* Scott Colt, and I'm not sure whether I explicitly stated this or not, is Colt Cabana's real name. (Not quite; his real last name is Colton, but that's good enough for the WWE.) So there's a reason he's doing well.

* I pretty much stole the enema line from Bret Hart circa 1997. Sorry.

* I decided to edit the game file because at this point, I'm not playing this game to try to succeed; I'm playing it to entertain myself and you guys, and any advantage I can get I'll take. In this case, I had all the guys working for global companies and Japan at the same time IMMEDIATELY drop their global contracts. This was a major blow to FLI, which lost half its roster and now has to work with their biggest money match being John Cena vs.... Randy Savage. There's a joke in there somewhere...

* I'm glad other people liked the old-school look of the Wargames. I enjoyed it myself.

* KroniK was a one-shot deal designed to get Mondo and Dreamer over as tough guys who could take a beating. They will not be back. (And you thought I was crazy.)

* My personal surprise is how these arbitrary ideas for temporary things turned into gold. The decision to push Rhyno came out of nowhere when he started throwing up great brawls with Undertaker. Nathan Jones has become a fun guy to write matches for. Team JAPAN was never meant to be together this long or be half as successful. Jericho I knew would be a challenge, but at the same time he's the best guy to write for -- he can say or do anything and it could make sense. Molly's roller coaster ride probably went a few stops too long -- everyone was calling for the switch at WrestleMania -- but it was SO worth it to work a Rock cameo into the program. RNN was a stopgap idea to cover for the lack of Highlight Reel, but Orton as over-the-top host always makes me chuckle. Kidman and Rey playing the Rock'n'Roll Express of the 21st century has been easy for me.

* Of course, it wasn't all wine and roses. I seriously dropped the ball with Sean O'Haire early on, not knowing what to do with him. Rob Van Dam is lost in limbo right now -- too good for the US title, not quite the main event, and no one to go against. And after putting all this buildup behind Eddie Guerrero's title reign, he hasn't really had a program to continue his success -- I guess the era of "take all comers" champions is over. I'm sure there are other screw-ups, and I'm sure my Old-School Readers Club (tm Zaz) will remind me.

* Actually, the lack of Eddie programs has devalued the WWE Heavyweight Title pretty badly -- right now, the Tag titles are the most valuable on SmackDown! I guess that's what happens when you put on ****+ tag matches. I assure you this changes soon.

* New signings... Chris Harris has been "Sting's friend" thus far, as it's clear he needs his own program to really define himself and I have no clue where to put it... Scott Colt is a goldmine in the ring, and if Paul Heyman (the #2 face on SmackDown!!) does some promos for him in the future, he'll be a title contender by Survivor Series... Tracy Brooks is another women's wrestler, but I wouldn't give up hope yet... Scott Hall came back, went in a long-term program with Christopher Nowinski, and put him over, so I have no complaints there... Roddy Piper as SmackDown! GM is just fun... Some more people will debut soon, as T.J. Wilson has been seen on Heat and a bit player from the original BVS is ready to become a full-time valet in the WWE.

* SummerSlam news: there will be at least one surprise appearance at SummerSlam. No hints

* For me, the most rewarding match I've written thus far was Eddie/Angle at WrestleMania -- a 40-minute technical masterpiece I had no qualms about giving ***** to, even with shenanigans involved in the ending. I wish I could point to a match as the worst I've written, but all of them served their purpose. I guess I'm like Mick Foley in that way -- it's hard for me to see the bad in my own matches.

* I've run out of things to say, so let's go to...

*****

WWE.com

August 02, 2004

We are deep in the heart of San Antonio, Texas, for today's LIVE edition of RAW!

San Antonio is famous as the home of the Alamo, but also as the home of the Heartbreak Kid! Shawn Michaels will address his hometown on a special edition of RNN tonight! What will the All-Star have to say?

Chynna Doll destroyed Stacy last week to earn a shot at the Women's title, and this week it's on the line! The Ninth Wonder of the World will try to become a 2-time (and undefeated) women's champion by wresting the title from Tracy! Can the new champ keep her reign going?

Chris Jericho asked for a tune-up match for Rhyno, but Eric Bischoff may have given him more than he's ready for. Jericho will go one-on-one with Randy Orton, who beat Jericho for the rights to the host segment at the top of every RAW! Can Orton go two for two? Or will Y2J keep the momentum going?

All this and more -- including a look at a coming attraction -- this week on RAW! Be sure to tune in to the First Network for Men and watch it unfold LIVE!

[DonaldMick]

* I pretty much stole the enema line from Bret Hart circa 1997. Sorry.

Speaking as a Bret Hart mark, that's not a bad thing... that's a GOOD thing. </DDP>

* KroniK was a one-shot deal designed to get Mondo and Dreamer over as tough guys who could take a beating. They will not be back. (And you thought I was crazy.)

Thank god. Besides, didn't one of them retire to go into boxing (Clarke)?

I hope you keep Hall around as well, he can always help get guys over AND can be a calming force in the locker room.

Other random thoughts:

~ So who's left for the Animals after Kurt/Brock? Though considering the matches they put on during this run, maybe it might be time to bump one of them up to the main event...?

~ Nowinski as an asshole IC Champ? I think it could do for him what Orton's run (IRL) did. And anyone who goes over Molly for the belt is going to be an uber-heel anyway.

~ Noble/Dragon, 2 of 3 falls? I am SO there.

~ And last but not least, I HAVE A FEVER AND THE ONLY CURE IS MORE PYRO JOKES!!

[Steve Corino]

For myself, there hasn't been anything bad in this diary. Some things I enjoyed a little less than others, but nothing has been bad. You've even made a Nathan Jones push as painless as it could possibly be, by putting him with Ward.

You get absolutely NO complaints from me, whether you want some or not. Sorry dude, that's just how it is.

[ROC]

* Scott Colt, and I'm not sure whether I explicitly stated this or not, is Colt Cabana's real name.  (Not quite; his real last name is Colton, but that's good enough for the WWE.)  So there's a reason he's doing well.

[The Third Dukes]

At the request of Hurricane Donald, I offer the following for today. "WE'RE IN SAN ANTONIO SO SHAWN MICHAELS USED HIS CREATIVE CONTROL TO SET OFF MORE PYRO!" You're welcome. Now don't say I never listen to my public.

*****

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Aug. 02 / 04.

- Live from San Antonio, TX, home of some guy.

- Your hosts are JR and DDP.

- And we waste no time with the Shawn Michaels antics from his hometown. JR quietly reminds us about what happened when these two were together in Calgary, and I really hope for no repeat...

Orton: "Shawn, welcome to RNN, and... well, I guess I should say congratulations on making the All-Star team. I mean, it's clear what that honor means to you and to everyone in the back: you had nothing better to do that night! I mean, I'd have taken your spot in the All-Star match, but we all know I'll be too busy showing Sting to be a fraud! So without further ado, go ahead and explain why you are so useless that the only thing you had to go for you was a throwaway match."

HBK (smiling wryly): "Throwaway? Listen here, kid, any match with the Heartbreak Kid in it ain't no throwaway. EVERY match with the Heartbreak Kid in it is a chance to see the truest icon of the WWE. Lemme ask you, buddy -- you ever faced down with the Undertaker?"

Orton: "That old fogey? Nah."

HBK: "Well, I have. And lemme tell ya, he'd eat chumps like you for breakfast, but he couldn't beat me. Lemme ask you again: what do you think of Rowdy Roddy Piper?"

Orton: "He WAS good. He WAS a great fighter."

HBK: "But put your name opposite his, and do the words 'Dream Match' come to mind, like they do for Hot Rod and the Heartbreak Kid? I don't think so. You're all right in the ring, Randy. I've faced you enough times to know you're gonna be something. But now ain't the time. Now ain't the place. Right now, you got your match, and I got mine... right now, you're a superstar, and I'm... an ALL-STAR!"

Orton: "Yeah, yeah, whoop-de-doo. Look, Shawn, while you're out here flapping your dentures you kinda overlook a few people. Like, for example, the one guy who SHOULD be an All-Star, but can't be because he's busy training to win SummerSlam's main event -- you know, RHYNO?"

JR: "Certainly he could win over Y2J."

HBK: "Rhyno, huh? Well, he's a tough man, I know. But he ain't never gone at it with a guy like me. And he certainly ain't never faced a challenge like being the away team. So Rhyno -- I know you're listening -- and I got a little proposition for ya. You, tonight, In This Very Ring, sqaure off with me, the Show-Stoppah, the Main Event, the One and Only ICON, the Heartbreak Kid! If you're half as good as you say you are -- and I know you're damn good -- you should have no problem accepting this challenge."

JR: "Come on, Rhyno, what are you afraid of?"

DDP: "Easy, Jim, easy. Fools rush in."

Orton: "You must think Rhyno's an idiot. You just want another shot at glory, and just like has happened millions of times in millions of places, you're going to use the 'hometown calls' to get it! I know all about your history with big matches. The referees -- well, they tend to cut the great Shawn Michaels a little slack. Or, in the case of Montreal, a LOT of slack. And I know this match will be a travesty, a conspiracy, and one great chance for an old two-timing double-dealing sonofabitch like you to steal the World Title from around the waist of the greatest natural force there is! So let me answer on Rhyno's behalf: NO! No you canNOT have the title shot! No you canNOT try to pull a robbery off! You just go back to the back and hang out with Sting and Triple H and all those other old guys and let the stars like me carry this--"

- Of course, Orton does NOT speak for Rhyno, or the booking committee, so here's the champ with a GORE GORE GORE to Orton. He stares down Michaels and accepts as the crowd blows the roof off the joint. I like the booking of the match, but who's gonna win?

- Backstage, Evolution holds a meeting with Bischoff. Orton is irate that he was attacked prior to his match with Chris Jericho and wants it postponed, but Bischoff tells Orton he has a solution to even things up. Meanwhile, Bischoff awards Batista and Shane a match with Mondo and Dreamer at SummerSlam, and even says the champs can pick one stip, any stip. Shane protests, but Bischoff says "they'll just make it a Hardcore match -- you know, no disqualification." Everyone smiles and laughs. I don't know how the match will work -- granted, Batista and Dreamer work well together, as do Orton and Shane -- but in a hardcore match, the heels will be total fish out of water.

- Sting and Chris Harris v. Johnny Jeter and Chris Matthews. I kinda sorta recognize Matthews as having done a cup of coffee in ECW, ironically as Joey Matthews' tag team partner, so I assume this is Christian York here, changing his name to avoid confusion. Indeed, DDP confirms this is "Joey Matthews' cousin", thus making the ID obvious, even though the two don't look nearly enough alike to be cousins. Anyway, Harris starts with Jeter, and he gets a dropkick and lariat for two. Matthews does a Hotshot on Harris, and Jeter takes over, working the arm. Matthews with a double axhandle on Harris' arm, and he gets a hammerlock and hairpull. Rana and enzuigiri set up a Fujiwara armbar, but Harris is still fresh and makes the ropes. Jeter with a Northern Lights suplex on the arm for two. The heels get Maven and Conway's dropkick/missile dropkick combo, getting Matthews two. Matthews tries a crossface-like maneuver, but Harris rolls him up for two. Jeter to the top, but the spinkick misses, hot tag Sting. Sting does the usual, including the DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER OF DOOM, and gets the pin after a Stinger Splash and Deathdrop on Jeter at 6:47. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling, even if its only purpose was to put Sting on the show. **

- Backstage, Triple H reveals that he won't forgive as easily as Molly and the alliance will be a difficult one. Christian takes exception, and the two argue. How nice.

- Women's title: Tracy v. Chynna Doll. Oh, joy. Chynna overpowers Tracy to start with a press slam and powerslam for two. Tracy slides under a lariat and gets a rana, but Chynna catches her crossbody and dumps her to the floor. Tracy yanks Chynna outside, and that's a big mistake because Chynna tosses her into the steps. Back in, it gets two. Chynna with a handspring elbow attempt that hits nothing. Pie in the Sky connects, but Christian runs in for the DQ at 2:43. 1/4* HHH follows, and the two sides continue fighting as I smell a tag match for next week.

- A bizarre video next as a bunch of Beverly Hills girls talk about the guys of wrestling, and one of them says she knows of a new wrestler who's gonna be "so totally awesome." "Who?" "You'll see. August 16." Well, points for building it up, but minus several million for making it look like a comedy gimmick.

- Christopher Nowinski, Rodney Mack, and Jazz v. Booker T, Alexis Laree, and Molly Holly. Pre-match vignette shows Booker punking out Theodore Long after being called an Uncle Tom. Good, I always hated that term. JR once again calls Molly too trustworthy to forgive, which allows DDP the opportunity to say that it's not about trust -- "and in fact, she DOESN'T trust him, she just forgives him." Point to Page. Huge brawl to start, and Booker sends Mack out with a leg lariat before helping Molly double-team Nowinski. T&A double team variant (Molly with a handspring elbow, Booker with a clothesline and tiptoe kneedrop) on Nowinski gets two. Laree with a crossbody on Nowinski for two, but that makes her legal, so Mack slams her down and goes clubberin'. Mack with a gutwrench suplex for two. Jazz tags in, and a double chickenwing (on a string) follows into a tiger suplex for two. Nowinski gets a headbutt and football tackle for two, even using the three-point stance. Mack tries the Blackout, but Laree squirms to the ropes. Back body drop, and Nowinski and Mack get a double fistdrop for two. Nowinski with a Cactus DDT for two, Booker saves. Jazz in via the top, but Laree gets the knees up, hot tag Booker. Everybody bumps like a maniac, and a Spinaroonie and axe kick gets two on Mack before Nowinski saves. It's BONZO GONZO as Booker dives onto Mack, Jazz, AND Long, but that leaves Nowinski with the women. Hiptoss over and out for Laree, beltshot for Molly as the ref tries to restore order, and the Cactus DDT finishes at 9:25. Served its purpose, but I never want to see Rodney Mack in the ring. *

- And here's Nick Mondo. He says that Bischoff made a mistake, but he wants to show that Dreamer and Mondo can wrestle, too. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... ahem. Anyway, the stipulation: special referee, and here's Chris Benoit making his return to the ring.

Benoit: "Surprise, Batista. Surprise, Michael Shane. I bet you thought I'd be out for a long time. Well, I'm gonna be back, and at SummerSlam, I will be the referee for the World Tag Team title match. This arm is 100%, and that's bad news because it means it can count to three on you, Evolution. August 15, in Toronto, Canada, everyone will see what the Crippler is all about. Everyone will see Evolution get what's coming to them. And most importantly, Eric Bischoff, you'll see how I've become known as a superstar. Batista, I was on the shelf for two months. At SummerSlam, I will make people regret what they have done."

- Backstage, Evolution yells at Bischoff, who pleads for mercy. Orton leaves in a huff, telling Bischoff he has until SummerSlam to make it up to him or Evolution turns on Bischoff. Yeah, right, Orton as a face. That would never work.

- Randy Orton v. Chris Jerich...oh, remember when Bischoff said Jericho and Orton would be on even terms? Well, here's Rhyno to make it one GORE apiece. So he has lousy timing -- when has that mattered? Anyway, Orton gives the thumbs-up, which the announcers interpret as telling Bischoff it's all square, and Jericho is being attended to by EMTs. Bischoff calls them off and says the MATCH MUST CONTINUE (or, in this case, start) or Jericho loses the title shot. Jericho crawls to the ring as the match begins. Orton covers quickly for two. Again, but still two. Orton stomps away and gets a backbreaker for two. Gutbuster gets two. Rabbit punch and knee to the gut set up Play of the Day for two. Orton gets pissed and chokes away at Jericho as a huge Y2J chant starts. Jericho crawls to the ropes as Orton uses Jericho's missile dropkick for two. Back to the gut with a double stomp and elbowdrop for two. Jericho avoids the RKO, though, and chops away on Orton. Corner-to-corner assault and springboard dropkick, and Orton bails. Jericho dives onto him and punches away, then tosses him in and gets his own missile dropkick for two. Corner whip is reversed, but Orton can't get a spear as Jericho vaults it and rolls Orton up for two. Faceplant, but the Lionsault hits the knees. Jericho reverses a small package for two. Orton goes back to the torso with a boot and a Rear Naked Stretch for two. Orton tries... um... some sort of torture rack, but Jericho armdrags out of it and dropkicks Orton. Orton charges but gets tripped straight into the Walls of Jericho. Orton makes the ropes, but Jericho catches him in a snap suplex and the Lionsault hits for real to finish at 10:54. Beautiful match that makes Jericho seem like a real threat to the title and adds more intrigue to the main event. ***1/4 Orton attacks Jericho post-match, including a figure-four as the announcers play up the leg injury. Think about this: Jericho went ten minutes without once relying on his leg injury to draw heat. That's why he's Jericho.

- Kane talks about meeting his brother and introducing him to true hell.

- Roddy Piper appears in Bischoff's office and talks about how disorganized his team looked. He makes a bet with Bischoff: winner of the All-Star Match gets to have Halloween Havoc on October 19 on ABC. Oh, and Piper says he'll announce the rest of his team on SmackDown! Bischoff: "If you get there." Christian appears and destroys Piper. Nice.

- Main event, World Title: Shawn Michaels v. Rhyno. We have almost no time left, and indeed, there's no match. Rhyno and Evolution team up for a first-class beating on Michaels, including a flying elbow, Demon Bomb, and of course a GORE GORE GORE. Michaels sells it like death. Benoit runs in and runs Evolution off, staring down with Rhyno before Orton spins Benoit around. Unfortunately for him, Sting appears and spins HIM around as Benoit and Rhyno brawl. Mondo and Dreamer even the odds, and it's a huge duke-out as Michaels lays in the ring playing dead. Bischoff calls off the dogs and announces a series of matches for next week: Rhyno and Evolution v. Jericho, Sting, Mondo, and Dreamer is one of them, along with Benoit v. Michaels. Everyone's called to the back, but Evolution does a 180 and beats down Michaels some more to huge heat. Bischoff stands tall as we go off the air.

The Bottom Line:

Nice to see they're using HBK well (to give others the rub), but so much emphasis is on this All-Star Match and not on Jericho/Rhyno, which has been anticipated since about May. Of course, right now, the whole thing's just sort of going around in circles, so there's no telling what's going to happen. It's clear that the WWE finished booking with too much time to spare and has no clue what to do now, so they're throwing things together and hoping for that last buy.

And hey, with the promise of Michaels getting the crap beat out of him, they got my money.

*****

August 5, 2004

WWE.com

Houston, Texas, hosts the best brand of sports entertainment out there -- SmackDown! Tune in to UPN to catch the action tonight!

Roddy Piper has decided to catch the Olympic spirit. Twenty men have been given the chance of a lifetime in what he's calling the Medal Battle Royal! He won't explain any further, except to say it will affect who goes on to SummerSlam! Tune in to find out more!

Ultimo Dragon and Jamie Noble will square off at SummerSlam in a best-of-three encounter. Before then, however, both men will be given warmup matches! Ultimo Dragon will square off against Mattitude's Evan Karagias, while Noble draws the high-flying Sonjay Dutt, usually seen on Velocity but getting a shot at the big time! Will either man pull an upset, or will both Cruiserweight contenders remain on top of their game?

Halloween Havoc is on the line at the All-Star Match, and Roddy Piper hasn't even shared who his team is! After what Christian did to him on RAW, you have to think he'll stack his side with the best he can get -- but who are they? Piper promises to tell more tonight... although with Piper, who knows?

All this and more -- including a pair of title defenses -- tonight at 8/7 Central on UPN! Be sure to Smack Your TV to catch all the action!

[DonaldMick]

/me marks out for the return of the pyro joke

And thank god you're not keeping "Taboo Tuesday" on the schedule, either. What crack-smoking monkey thought that name would draw?

Now we just have to figure out who the Hollywood guy is...

[Blehschmidt]

Another couple of excellent shows Dukes.

I am looking forward to Jericho/Rhyno more than anything else.

As for the Hollywood guy.....hmmmm.....I honestly have no idea.

[Steve Corino]

Hopefully Dukes didn't just find the old "Before They Were Famous" SMW DVD like I did, and thus would be debuting "Hollywood" Bob Holly

[Guest y2gudge]

"Hollywood" Hulk Hogan or The Rock I'm thinking...

The past couple of shows have just seen you trundling along towards Summerslam quite well, War Games was fun, but too much Evolution on Raw at times and the fact that Jericho/Rhyno is close to being overshadowed by The ALL-STAR match is worrying...hopefully Nowinski gets the IC Strap come SS, then all will be right in the world (except boring Edge is still clogging up 'The Glass Ceiling' not letting anyone through!)

*y2gudge*

[GoGo Yubari]

I'm pretty certain I know who the bit player is. I thought I knew before and the debut segment more or less sealed the deal. Good show.

[The Third Dukes]

Hopefully Dukes didn't just find the old "Before They Were Famous" SMW DVD like I did, and thus would be debuting "Hollywood" Bob Holly

←

[Blehschmidt]

World Heavyweight Title Match

Rhyno © vs. Chris Jericho

WWE Heavyweight Title Match

Eddie Guerrero © vs. Edge

Intercontinental Title Match

Molly Holly © vs. Chris Nowinski

WWE United States Title Elimination Match

Matt Hardy © vs. Konnan vs. Eric Angle vs. Bull Buchanan

World Tag Team Title Match (Special Referee: Chris Benoit)

Nick Mondo and Tommy Dreamer © vs. Batista and Michael Shane

WWE Tag Team Title Match

Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio © vs. Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar

Grudge Match

Sting (w/Chris Harris) vs. Randy Orton

2 out of 3 falls for the Vacant WWE Cruiserweight Title

Ultimo Dragon vs. Jamie Noble

WWE All-Star Match

RAW: Eric Bischoff, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Kane, Christian

SD!: Roddy Piper, Undertaker, Rob Van Dam, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin

TIEBREAKERS:

1. Which match will open the show? US Title Four Way

2. Who will be the special surprise appearance I said would occur? Vince McMahon

3. There will be one swerve at SummerSlam. What? Christian helps Nowinski beat Molly.

4. What individual will score the pin in the All-Star match? Kane

5. Will anyone get at least 8 of 9 matches correct? Yes

[K.O.T.W]

World Heavyweight Title Match

Rhyno © vs. Chris Jericho

WWE Heavyweight Title Match

Eddie Guerrero © vs. Edge

Intercontinental Title Match

Molly Holly © vs. Chris Nowinski

WWE United States Title Elimination Match

Matt Hardy © vs. Konnan vs. Eric Angle vs. Bull Buchanan

World Tag Team Title Match (Special Referee: Chris Benoit)

Nick Mondo and Tommy Dreamer © vs. Batista and Michael Shane

WWE Tag Team Title Match

Billy Kidman and Rey Misterio © vs. Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar

Grudge Match

Sting (w/Chris Harris) vs. Randy Orton

2 out of 3 falls for the Vacant WWE Cruiserweight Title

Ultimo Dragon vs. Jamie Noble

WWE All-Star Match

RAW: Eric Bischoff, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Kane, Christian

SD!: Roddy Piper, Undertaker, Rob Van Dam, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin

If you give the belt to Jericho, I won't have any complaints

1. Which match will open the show? US Title

2. Who will be the special surprise appearance I said would occur? The Hollywood Guy

3. There will be one swerve at SummerSlam. What? Christian helps Nowinski or they form one big Russo-swerve 3 person stable.

4. What individual will score the pin in the All-Star match? Piper

5. Will anyone get at least 8 of 9 matches correct? Yes

Edited August 28, 2004 by K.O.T.W