The BVS WWE: 2004-05

[oldskool]

Essa won their "Winner messes up the loser's diary" contest, so the RAW Roulette is the on-screen explanation for whatever Essa decides to do.

Rather clever cover, I will admit.

[The Third Dukes]

.40 / 11 .tcO rof tnaR WAR KmarS ehT -

- Live from Manchester, England, that former American colony.

- Your hosts are DDP and Jim Ross, both of whom appear to have grown goatees.

- Opening match, Hell in a Cell: Chris Jericho v. Valerie. Well, they're certainly putting the RAW Roulette Wheel on steroids here. Jericho does his usual boring offense to start, but Valerie uses a well-timed kick and moonsault to take over. Bulldog gets two. Jericho goes low and gets a kneelift for two. Ah, Jericho, using that knee again. He tosses Valerie out of the Cell and stalks her, hitting a clothesline. Looks like Valerie's doing all the work again. Jericho gets sent into the side of the cage and does what he does best -- bleeds. Man, why can't this be a title match? Valerie scampers to the top of the cage as Jericho s-l-o-w-l-y follows her up. Man, Jericho just hasn't been the same since he married Stephanie. Up top, Valerie get a dropkick and hiptoss, followed by a beeyootiful crossbody. Jericho gets a straight right hand that seems to knock Valerie out, but he charges and Valerie tosses him off the edge of the cell! Wait, Jericho took a bump? In what universe? Mike Awesome helps Valerie drag Jericho's fat ass into the ring, and once there, Valerie covers for the pin at 5:44. Yecch -- Jericho is such a waste. 1/4* They shake hands, but Valerie kicks him low and gets the Beverly Hills Bust. Then Bischoff fires Jericho for the hell of it, even though he's a Governor and it should be Linda's show. Fun stuff, and once again Jericho finds a way not to job the title. Just saying.

- Inferno match, Intercontinental Title: Chris Nowinski v. Lance Storm. Funny, I coulda sworn they'd have saved this for Halloween Havoc, but I guess that's the roulette wheel for ya. And of course, Chris -- who only went to Harvard Community College -- misunderstands the rules, sending Storm straight into the fire to give him the win and the title at 0:06. Storm pounds on Nowinski while selling his leg getting burned -- work, shoot, who knows?

- BUT WAIT! Here's another challenger:

- I Quit Match, Intercontinental Title: Lance Storm v. Dawn Marie. Dawn works on the leg like a mofo, finally making Storm tap out to the Sharpshooter at 3:01. Good -- the title didn't need to be on a man anyway. It's been going downhill since Molly lost it. 1/4*

- Texas Death match: Christian v. Kane. I'm sure Molly is watching this one intently after what Christian did to her. And when did Kane grow a goatee, anyway? Christian goes nuts with a mirror to start, calling back to last week, but Kane stops him with a big boot and chokeslam for the first pin at 0:54. Christian is up easily. Christian uses a chair to floor Kane and pins him at 1:33. Kane is up at 6. Both men tumble to the outside, where Christian gets a Tombstone on Kane to finish at 2:21, and Kane ain't gettin' up. Why bother? -*1/2

- Molly is out, and she says she's finally getting her revenge on Bischoff... by marrying him? Yup, right there in the ring, they have the wedding ceremony, although Bischoff seems a little uneasy about the whole thing. I don't blame him; after all the degrading things she's put him through, one can only imagine.

- Last Man Standing: Chris Benoit v. Alan Johnson. Benoit's in no condition to wrestle with the torn quad he suffered, so Johnson -- some no-name -- hits him in the leg and Benoit stays down for the 10-count. Johnson, the sportsman he is, continues pounding the leg to put Benoit on the shelf, then strokes his goatee to the delight of the crowd. He might get over, yet.

- Inferno Match: Shawn Michaels v. Randy Orton. Showing they've learned from the previous match, both men race to the ropes, but HBK gets there first and wins at 0:02. I hope they have a huge main event stored up.

- Bra and Panties match, Women's title: Alexis Laree v. Stacy Keibler. This is beneath me to recap. Basically, they roll around for a while before Stacy (who's way too good for this stuff) rips off Laree's outfit for the win and the title at 1:33. Now Laree can go back to consoling her boyfriend Test while he recovers from a broken leg. Let's have some REAL wrestling matches, dadgummit!

- Cage match, World Tag Team titles: Batista and Michael Shane v. Johnny Jeter and TJ Wilson. Batista tosses Wilson around while Jeter and Shane exchange armdrags. They switch off, as Jeter slams down Batista while Wilson hits the Code Blue on Shane. Batista gets sandwiched by twin spinkicks, but Shane makes a dive for the door and escapes. Alas, both men must escape, so it's party-time for the challengers, as Jeter gets a Northern Lights suplex and Wilson scores a missile dropkick on Batista. Batista catches Jeter in a powerslam, but Wilson breaks up a Demon Bomb try with a sunset flip. It doesn't mean anything, but Batista is held down long enough for Jeter to drop the knee across his nose. Total Elimination on Batista, and we have new Tag Team champions at 4:22. Okay then... *1/4 Just for fun, Jackie has the duo dive onto Michael Shane from the top of the cage, then demands that new Intercontinental Champion Dawn Marie get in the ring. And the wheel spins and... oh, this oughta be fun...

Iron (wo)Man Match for the Intercontinental Title: Dawn Marie (champion) vs. Jackie Gayda (challenger)

The competitors circle each other to start. Both of them seem reluctant to lock up. They finally do, and neither one seems to get an advantage. Eventually, Dawn backs Jackie into the corner. The ref demands a clean break and gets it. Dawn and Jackie stare at each other before locking up again. This time, Jackie gets a headlock. Dawn tries to shove Jackie off, but Jackie hangs on. Dawn tries to pick Jackie up in a suplex, but Jackie keeps the headlock on, forcing Dawn to drop Jackie to her feet. Finally, Dawn manages to shove Jackie into the ropes, but the two collide on the rebound and both trip.

Jackie races to cover Dawn, but Dawn reverses and a catfight breaks out. Dawn chokes away at Jackie, then Jackie rolls over and chokes Dawn down. Eventually, both women stumble into the ropes, where the ref calls for a break. Both women get up and stare at each other, talking trash. Dawn slaps Jackie, who retaliates with a slap and both women grab each other's hair. Jackie tosses Dawn by the hair, earning a warning from the referee. She gets in the mount position and digs her nails into Dawn's eyes, but Dawn uses her legs to hook Jackie's arms and flip her over for the pinning predicament. It gets a two-count. Dawn kicks Jackie as they both get up and tries for a suplex, but Jackie sandbags. She manages to reverse Dawn's suplex try into one of her own. Jackie goes up top, but Dawn follows and meets her on the top rope.

They slap each other in an attempt to dislodge one another, but Jackie manages to shove Dawn to the mat. Jackie flies off with a splash, but she hits Dawn's knees. Dawn rolls on top, but it gets two. Dawn picks Jackie up and puts on an armbar as Lance Storm appears and joins the announcers. Jackie gets to her feet and yanks Dawn down by the hair, listening to the admonishment from the referee. She stomps away on Dawn before picking her up and sending her into the ropes. She hits Dawn with a back elbow and drops an elbow. She covers, but it only gets two. Jackie stomps away on Dawn's upper body before applying an armbar of her own. Dawn gets to her feet and kicks Jackie in the leg, knocking her over. Dawn gets a seated leglock on Jackie, much to Storm's delight.

Jackie tries to pedal herself backwards to the ropes, but Dawn uses her leverage to keep Jackie from escaping. Jackie manages to wiggle over to her side and reach for the bottom strand, grabbing a hold of it just as Dawn lets go to pull Jackie back to the center of the ring. Dawn tries a spinning toehold, but Jackie kicks her off and pulls herself to her feet as Dawn trips over Jackie on the rebound. Jackie quickly dives onto Dawn, but it's only worth a two. Jackie puts Dawn in a cross armlock, applying pressure to her shoulder. Dawn tries to work her way to her feet with a bridge-out, but Jackie stretches to keep Dawn on the mat. Dawn finally makes her way to her feet, forcing Jackie's shoulders to the mat for a count of two before Jackie gets Dawn off her feet again.

Dawn attempts to reach for the ropes, but in doing so, her shoulders are on the mat, and that allows another two before she lifts her arm. Dawn finally rolls towards Jackie and pushes her feet loose from the armlock, allowing her to roll Jackie up for two. Both women get up, and Dawn begins to shake her arm. Jackie moves in for a lockup, but Dawn keeps her distance and rolls out to the floor. Jackie follows, and on the outside, she slugs away at Dawn's shoulder before tossing her into the steel steps. Jackie picks Dawn back up and throws her into the ring, following her in and continuing to work on the arm with a Fujiwara armbar.

Dawn uses her legs to hook the ropes behind Jackie, who stands up and pulls her own hair in frustration. She pulls Dawn away from the ropes and stomps on her shoulder before picking her up and tossing her into the ropes. Dawn ducks a clothesline, and on the rebound she clips Jackie, who falls on her face. Dawn rolls her over and covers for two. Dawn then holds the leg she hooked and laces it with her own, dropping to her knees for a kneeling leglock. Jackie tries to bridge her way out of it, but only succeeds in rolling over, causing Dawn to change the hold to a sitting half-crab. Jackie reaches for the ropes as we take our first commercial break.

***COMMERCIAL***

We come back with Jackie shaking feeling into her leg on the outside as the referee counts. At nine, Jackie rolls back into the ring and tries to dart back out of the ring, but Dawn grabs her by the ankle. She pulls on Jackie, who grabs the bottom rope for dear life, as the referee attempts to break what is technically a hold. He pries Dawn's hands off of Jackie's leg, which causes Dawn to argue the decision. As she does, Jackie sneaks up from behind her and rolls her up, getting the first three count of the match at 20:37.

After a 30-second rest period, we resume the match with Dawn angrily throwing shots at Jackie's face and chest. She sends Jackie across the ring into the opposite corner and charges in, running into her with a clothesline and sending her to the mat. Dawn waits for Jackie to get up. Jackie slowly rises to her feet, and as she stands, Dawn hits a kick to the gut, then puts Jackie in position for a piledriver. Jackie, however, reverses, flipping Dawn over her head to the mat.

Jackie heads to the outside of the ring and grabs the Intercontinental title from the timekeeper. As she returns to the ring, she waits for Dawn to get up, but the referee grabs the belt from her hands. Jackie starts to argue with the referee, but to no avail. Dawn is on her feet and charges Jackie, but she misses and the ref is wiped out instead. Both women get the same idea and hover over the referee, attempting to pry the title from him. Both get one end of the belt, and they engage in a lengthy tug-of-war over who will be able to use it. Eventually, Dawn grabs on to Storm, who has left the announce table to help her out.

He pulls her to the ropes, but this causes her grip to slip and Jackie gets the belt. Jackie swings at Dawn, but she ducks and Storm is nailed in the head. Jackie looks around in confusion as Dawn rolls Jackie up from behind, but the referee is just now coming to and... so... it's... just... a... long... two count. An angry Dawn stares at the referee, but she senses Jackie behind her and whirls around to slap her in the face. Jackie takes a step back as Johnny Jeter runs to ringside to protest Lance Storm's presence.

His distraction of the referee, though, allows Storm to slip into the ring unnoticed and superkick Jackie down. An irate Jeter refuses to leave the apron, though, and as Dawn covers for what would be 30, the referee is unable to count. Storm finally yanks Jeter off the ring apron, allowing the referee to turn around and count, but by this time it's only two. Dawn shakes her head in disbelief and picks Jackie up. She gives her a Russian legsweep before grabbing her legs and attempting to apply the Sharpshooter.

Jackie squirms on her back, attempting to reach the ropes, but as she gets close, Storm slaps her hands away and Dawn drags Jackie back to the center of the ring. She applies the Sharpshooter as we go to commercial again.

***COMMERCIAL***

Jackie is in the Sharpshooter as we return, but she's fighting and clawing her way to the ropes. As she inches forward, Jeter cheers her on and Storm urges her to tap. Jackie's fingertips reach for the ropes, but she can't get there. Jeter jumps onto the apron and argues that the hold should be broken, which means the referee misses Jackie tapping.

Dawn releases the hold, sure she's gained a fall, but as the referee tells her otherwise, she becomes incensed, striking the referee with a low kick, an elbow across the nose, and a punch to the back of the head, knocking him down. Dawn stomps away at the referee, which lets Jackie recover and grab Dawn by the hair, tossing her to the outside. On the outside, Jackie grabs a chair and stalks Dawn with it. She goes to swing, but Storm intercedes, superkicking the chair into Jackie's face. Dawn quickly returns and hides in the ring, where a second referee appears to replace the first... and disqualify Dawn for incapacitating the referee at 35:29.

All through the thirty-second rest period, Jackie remains motionless on the outside. When the bell rings, the referee starts counting. Jackie doesn't move, so the referee awards Dawn a fall via countout at 36:52.

After thirty more seconds, Dawn decides to pick Jackie up and put her in the ring herself. She then covers Jackie, evening the score at 37:44.

Jackie comes to during the next thirty-second rest period and has to be told it's now 2-2. She keeps her distance from Dawn, attempting to regain her bearings after the superkick. Dawn keeps trying to initiate contact, but Jackie wheels away. Eventually, Jackie locks up with Dawn as the two struggle to gain superiority in this even matchup. They break the lockup, with neither woman having an advantage. Dawn offers a test of strength to Jackie, who slowly moves her hands in position to accept. Amazingly, it actually is a test of strength, as both women struggle to overpower the other.

Jackie is the first to show signs of weakness, as her knees buckle and she begins to plead for mercy. She drops to her knees, desperately trying to push back upward, as Dawn mocks her. Suddenly, Jackie gets a burst of energy and begins to pull herself up to her feet. She manages to power herself back to even strength, then turns her hands over to put Dawn at a disadvantage. Dawn slowly buckles to her knees as it's Jackie's turn to talk trash. Dawn begs for mercy, then tries to pull herself up. Jackie casually boots her in the gut to stop her, then picks her up for a DDT.

Dawn shoves away, and the two charge and clothesline each other, resulting in a double KO. The referee stands over both of them, slowly counting them out.

He counts one. He counts two. He counts three as Jeter cheers Jackie on. He counts four as we see Storm staring. He counts five as Dawn seems to show life. He counts six as Jackie's arm flails into the air. He counts seven as both women try to sit up. He counts eight as Dawn tries to roll over. He counts nine as Jackie manages to get to her knees, ending the count. Jackie crawls to the ropes as Dawn rolls onto her stomach, then pushes herself up to her hands and knees. Jackie dives for Dawn, pulling her back to the center of the ring, and grabbing her arm in a wristlock. She applies pressure on Dawn's head as Dawn attempts to get out of the hold, but she remains fighting as we take our final commercial break.

***COMMERCIAL***

As we return, Dawn is mere inches away from the ropes, trying to reach them with her outstretched hand. Jackie sees this and tries to grab that arm, but in doing so, she releases the arm from the wristlock and Dawn rolls out of the ring to create distance. Dawn, fully aware that a tie would mean she keeps the Intercontinental Title, begins to walk slowly around the ring, begging the referee to count her out. He does so, but at nine, Dawn rolls back into the ring and back out again. Storm tells the camera he taught her that as Dawn continues to mock Jackie.

Finally, Jackie has enough of it and heads to the outside with Dawn. The two scratch at each other on the outside of the ring before returning to the inside, still as intent as ever to finish each other off. A series of slaps is won by Dawn, who picks Jackie up and sends her into the ropes. Jackie bounces off and launches herself at Dawn, but Dawn rolls through with the momentum and hooks the tights to score the pin at 51:39.

The chase is on now, after the mandatory thirty-second rest period. Jackie immediately runs after Dawn, who heads to the outside and keeps her distance from Jackie. Jackie waits in the middle of the ring, urging the referee to count faster, and at nine, Dawn rolls in and rolls back out again. Dawn sticks her tongue out at Jackie as she cradles the long-since-discarded Intercontinental Title in her arms on the outside.

This time, at nine, Jackie catches Dawn and, using her hair, keeps her in the ring. Jackie gets Dawn into the corner and mounts the turnbuckle. She begins the ten-punch countalong, then monkey flips Dawn out of the corner. Jackie goes up to the top rope and waits for Dawn to stand. Dawn does, back to Jackie, and Jackie delivers a flying bulldog to Dawn. She covers, and that evens things back up at three falls apiece at 55:35.

The action picks up (not that that says much) after the rest period, as Jackie tries a small package on Dawn, which gets two. Dawn backslides Jackie for two. Jackie nails Dawn in the shoulder with a high kick, but she uses her bad leg and both women stagger in pain. Dawn races in and tries to grab Jackie by the hair, but her grip slips from her bad arm. Jackie seizes control and puts on a Fujiwara armbar on Dawn. After trying to fight her way to the ropes, she grasps at the air and finds Jackie's pressure to be excruciating. Despite Storm cheering her on, she somehow finds herself involutarily tapping the mat, giving Jackie the crucial 4-3 lead at 58:28!

A furious Dawn attacks Jackie before the rest period ends, tossing her into the turnbuckle and rolling her up on the rebound for two. Another cradle gets two. Dawn dives onto Jackie and holds the tights, but it's still two. One last chance as she uses the ropes, but time expires.

WINNER and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Jackie Gayda (4-3)

- -*** Jackie celebrates as the show ends.

:eniL mottoB ehT

What the hell is going on here? Multiple title changes, divas beating stars, goatees everywhere... wait a second... goatees everywhere?

NOOOOOOOO! I'M IN A MIRROR UNIVERSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

*wakes up*

Whew. That's the last time I fall asleep during a Star Trek marathon before thinking about RAW. I hope I taped it.

*****

There you go, Essa. Happy? HAPPY? Good. The real RAW will be up tomorrow.

Dukes

[oldskool]

7 of the 9 matches lasted under 5 minutes, with at least 3 of them being under 1 minute.....wow.

Hilarity.

At least it gives Dukes some -*** match-writing practice. Not that he'd ever need it of course

Disappointed that VIRCH~! didn't totally go off thanks to an hour-long -*** suckfest.

[Ace]

that was cruel essa. thank god it was a esrevinu rorrim seriously firing Jericho? what were you thinking?

[Hajjhowe]

That was indeed, hilarious. THank god it was "All a dream" though. Although we all know 2-3 Inferno Matches in one night does = ratings

[Nick Adams]

THAT WAS HILARIOUS! MOLLY COULD MAKE BISCHOFF'S LIFE A LIVING HELL! What are you thinking? You should keep this and GO WITH IT!

[Essa]

That was the best show this diary's seen.

[The Third Dukes]

Okay, take two...

*****

- The SmarK Rant for the REAL RAW, Oct. 11 / 04.

- Live (for some bizarre reason) from Manchester, England.

- Your hosts are JR and DDP anyway.

- Randy Orton stands at the RNN NewsDesk with the Roulette Wheel! SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL! SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL! Sorry, just getting in the mood. He says he's been given the honor of the main event against HHH, and he wants to spin to see what it'll be. But Eric Bischoff interrupts. He's rightly pissed off that he's not in charge tonight, but Austin made it up to him. Bischoff does all the spinning tonight. Ooh, it looks like we'll get the COCKTAIL OF DOOM again. So Bischoff spins, but now Chris Jericho comes out and cuts a brutal promo on both Orton and Bischoff. Jericho is decidedly not over in England, which surprises me. Anyway, he demands he be on the card tonight, and we all look and see the (rigged) wheel landed on Spinner's Choice. Well, that would be Bischoff, so it's Jericho/HHH v. Benoit/Orton/Bischoff in a handicap match tonight. Which team is handicapped? Jericho needs something to jump-start himself, stat -- he's been on cruise control since he won the title and is in serious danger of ceasing to be RAW's #1 babyface.

- Lucille LaChienne and Sylvain Grenier cut a promo in French. Grenier goes for the cheap heat jugular by wearing a Thierry Henry Arsenal jersey -- nice. Well, anyway, this is a title match, but Bischoff's wheel spins and...

- It's Legal In England, Women's Title: Alexis Laree v. Lucille LaChienne. And just what IS legal in England? NIPPLES! So, yes, it's another "tease the audience with nudity" match. They roll around to start, and both manage to tear the shirts off to the delight of the horny bastards in the audience. Alexis gets a suplex and atomic drop, then goes for the skirt, which makes absolutely no sense in the context of this match. Lucille kicks her away and yanks the skirt off herself (nothing to lose there), then nails a suplex on Laree and attempts to remove the bra. Laree squirms to block it, then boots Lucille in the gut and tries the LareeDT, but Grenier catches her foot. It's so nice to see Genny Goulet left Pro Wrestling Canada -- the former FLI -- behind so she could be in fine high-quality wrestling matches like this. Laree argues with Grenier while Lucille gets the flagpole, but Laree whips the two together and off goes the bra for the win at 4:11. Of course, the French flag is covering Lucille, so no boobs. Whatever. 1/2* Grenier attacks Laree, but Tracy runs in and smacks him around, and he runs from the fight like... well, a Frenchman. Nice to know the US and England have something in common. Besides butchering the English language.

- Backstage...

We see Trish walk into the picture, with a pleading HHH behind her.

Trish: "What do you care what I do?"

HHH: "Because I want to know what caused it! You just don't go and flash random strangers!"

Trish: "Why not?"

HHH: "You don't see me going after anything with puppies, do you?"

Trish: "Yes I do! What was with the flowers you gave Tracy?"

HHH: "F... flowers? When?"

Trish: "Two weeks ago. After we argued, I come out, and Tracy's showing me some flowers she got from you! That's why I wanted to flash the audience -- to get even!"

(For the record, a video rewind established both the flower incident and the flashing incident before this segment.)

HHH: "Wait a minute! Those were for you! I left those on your bag, by your locker, while you went off to take a shower... so maybe you oughta think about..."

Trish: "I oughta think? Why is it always my fault? Is that how you feel about women? That they don't think? Well, listen up! Maybe you should've handed me the damn flowers if you were so concerned that I'd get them... that is, if they were for me! Understand?"

Trish walks off in a huff. HHH stands, shaking his head in disbelief. In the background, we see Tracy peer around a corner and smile.

- Trouble in Paradise, and I can't think of a nicer guy it could happen to. Rumor has it his contract runs out after WM21 -- I really wonder what the negotiations for the renewal will be like.

- And now HBK is headed to the ring, so Bischoff spins him... Strange Bedfellows? What, we're going to see HHH and Chynna's bedroom tapes? Oh, wait, it's just another "wacky mismatched partners" match...

- Lance Storm and Chris Nowinski v. Shawn Michaels and Michael Shane. In a scene you don't see every day, both teams beat themselves up to start as the faces clear the ring before Michaels opens up on Storm. Flying forearm and Michaels nips up, but Shane demands to come in. There's the tag, and Storm tackles down Shane and works him over. Nowinski tags himself in and boots Shane, following up with a kneedrop for two. I guess having Shane be in the heat segment makes sense, since HBK is the most over of the four. Storm continues punishing the leg, but Shane escapes with an enzuigiri and gets the hot tag to HBK. Michaels takes out both IC title contenders, but Long hooks the leg and Nowinski gets a knee to the back to dump Michaels. Shane enters off the top, but Storm catches him and delivers a rib-breaker. Nowinski takes out both men with clotheslines because he can, so Michaels superkicks Nowinski. Storm is up, and he catches a Michaels superkick and puts on the Shaprshooter. Shane shows no interest in saving his uncle, and HBK taps at 7:22. Storm beats Long up for the hell of it. Entertaining crap. **

- Molly is out, and conveniently, the wheel has been spun off-camera. And it's a handicap match. JR suspects foul play. So Bischoff, always one to accomodate, spins again, and it's a blindfold match. So they blindfold Molly, but her opponents... um, no. JR is less than enthused. I forgot how much fun Indignant Jim Ross could be.

- Handicap Blindfold match: Molly Holly v. Kane and Rhyno. DDP practically starts working on Molly's obituary as the bell rings. Kane watches Molly stumble around for a few seconds (and I don't blame her -- she's wearing a sleeper's mask, which means she probably legitimately can't see). Kane then gets tired and grabs Molly, backing her into the corner and punching away at her. Rhyno tags in, and he slams Molly down. A Hotshot on the ropes (they're using a wide-angle a lot here, probably to cover for spots being called left and right) and Rhyno gets a belly-to-belly for two. Kane in, and he tries the chokeslam, but Molly squirms out. A very cool moment next: Kane starts yelling at a clueless, disoriented Molly to come get him, at which point Molly spins around into the direction of his voice, charges, and knocks Kane into the corner. Nice way to disguise a called spot while giving Molly that "sixth sense" moment. Ten punch countalong by Molly, then a tornado DDT out of the corner, but she can't find Kane for the cover. Rhyno emerges from behind, but Molly elbows him, then spins around and... knocks over the ref. Okay, that was mildly contrived. Kane enters and grabs Molly from behind, and Rhyno hits the GOAR GOAR GOAR... on Kane. Molly tries to grab anyone, but she can't find a thing and Rhyno press slams her for the pin at 5:59. Kane and Rhyno did a great job of literally carrying Molly through the match -- but don't blame her; without eyesight, even Benoit would need to be carried. Okay, maybe not Benoit. *3/4

- Backstage, Sting makes his contractually obligated appearance and is mauled by Batista. Batista wants a match, and he wants it to be a challenge, dammit. So there's the wheel, and oops, be careful what you wish for...

- Manchester Street Fight: Nick Mondo v. Batista. It's a slugfest to start, and Mondo gets a low blow and nails a swinging neckbreaker. Tilt-a-whirl slam (on BATISTA?!? Wow) gets two, but Batista boots Mondo right out of the ring. An English mailbox -- which is essentially a long skinny trash can painted red -- gets involved, and Mondo gets the worst of that. Back in the ring and Batista enters with... a cricket bat. Okay then. Batista smacks Mondo's leg with it as DDP gets off a crack about "leg before wicket" that probably means more to the English audience. Back to the outside over the top, and more pelting with a mailbox. Mondo with a desperation low blow to turn the tide, then a DDT on the outside for two. Mondo finds and SHATTERS a china tea kettle over Batista's head for two. I hope that's not real china, cuz that'll leave a mark. One mailbox to the groin and an M.Bison to the outside gets two. Batista ducks a clothesline and sends Mondo FLYING over the top into the ring from the outside. Batista pulls out some chairs and tosses them in the ring, but Mondo finds one and a duel erupts. Batista wins that and DENTS the seat beating Mondo's brains in. Demon Bomb, but the ultimate foreign object -- Sting -- stops the count. Deathdrop and Mondo begins to wake up. Sting/Mondo do a missile dropkick Doomsday Device (Batista on Sting's shoulders looks... interesting), and the Mondosault finishes at 6:22. Not bad, all in all. *3/4

- Christian begs for a match with Kane.

- Main event: Chris Jericho and Triple H v. Chris Benoit, Randy Orton, and Eric Bischoff. Amazingly, HHH *is* over in England. Who knew? Oh, sign of the night: "Sorry About Darren." The WWE doesn't want to put it on camera, but there it is. Bischoff runs and hides as the faces open up to start. Orton gets hit with a facejam and kneelift, while Jericho gives Benoit a double powerbomb. Evolution races to the outside, so HHH javelins Jericho into the whole lot of them. Ah, HHH tossing Jericho around -- I bet Hunter misses the good ol' days. Of course, this means Jericho is 1-on-3, and wouldn't ya know it, Tracy shows up to distract Hunter, leading to Trish entering and a catfight breaking out and Jericho's pretty much getting beat on. We go to break to get the chicks out of the way, but sadly HHH remains. We return with Orton nailing a shoulderblock and legdrop on Jericho. Benoit comes in and suplexes Jericho for two. Orton puts Jericho on top and gets a top-rope armdrag for two. Benoit tags in (almost rolling his eyes at Orton) and delivers his superplex for two. The announces wonder if Benoit and Orton are campaigning for votes within the match. Orton gets Play of the Day for two. Benoit in, and he works the arm, but Jericho escapes and there's a double KO. Orton cuts off the hot tag and gets a reverse suplex, with Benoit nailing the diving headbutt for good measure. HHH saves. Bischoff tags in, stomps Jericho once, and tags out again. That always gets me. Benoit returns with the rolling Germans, with Orton adding a gratuitous kick to the head on the third one. Orton gets a frog splash (!!) on Jericho for two. We HIT THE CHINLOCK as we take a break. We come back with Jericho elbowing out, but Orton merely hitting a neckbreaker for two. RKO try, but Jericho shoves him off and catches him with a snap suplex on the rebound. A charging Benoit is met with a dropkick, and one double clothesline later, it's hot tag HHH. KNEE~! KNEE~! KNEE~! Sorry, had a Heyman moment there. RKO to HHH, but it's HBK to the resue with SCM -- er, Sweet Chin Music -- as Jericho sends Benoit to the outside. Bischoff tries to kick away, but that's pathetic, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE sends the fans home happy at 20:31. Fine enough for what we saw, but the fact that HHH went over boggles my mind here -- I mean, yeah you job Bischoff, but to HHH? **3/4

The Bottom Line:

Glorified house show here, as the English crowd was really hot, but none of the results seemed to do much to advance anything. The only angle that really went somewhere was the love triangle -- and I'm sure Stephanie is enjoying booking HHH into a miserable situation. Of course, this is the risk you take with a big show coming up where literally none of the matches are advertised more than a few days beforehand.

When's Survivor Series?

[Troy Maskell]

More importantly when is the booking meeting for Survivor Series?

[Nick Adams]

Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing.

[The Third Dukes]

When, Troy? Very soon.

*****

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Oct. 14 / 04, taped Oct. 12.

- back across the pond.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jim Cornette.

- Opening match: Eddie Guerrero v. Doug Basham. Poor Eddie -- reduced to opening match fodder. Basham attacks Eddie from behind with some CLUBBERIN, then sends him in with a clothesline. Eddie reverses and backdrops Basham, then flings him over the top and hits a pescado. Back in, suplex and slingshot senton get two. Eddie gets the rolling verticals, but Matt Hardy appears and stops the frog splash. Basham follows Eddie up for a superplex for two. Slingshot suplex try, but Eddie cradles off the slingshot for two. Basham with a powerslam for two. He goes up top, but he misses whatever, and Eddie hits the Gory Bomb to finish at 4:13. **

- Backstage, it's a warmup meeting for the Dangerous Alliance...

Heyman: "This is it, men. Tonight, here in England -- neutral ground -- we have a chance to make a statement that will be heard worldwide. Tajiri... I know what you have planned here. Make these people afraid of you. Blast them into another county. Nathan Jones thinks he can kick and strike well? He has nothing compared to you, Tajiri. Make him feel it. Ultimo, you are regarded as one of the biggest stars in the business. But you got that way through discipline and dedication. I know Brock Lesnar inside and out, and I hope the things I taught you stick to you. I want to see you exploit him, humble him, and leave him bare as the fraud that he is! And Scott, I leave you Kurt Angle. I see greatness in you. I know you can handle him. I know you can defeat him. I know, deep down, it's perfectly clear... you are his successor! And that's why he's afraid of you! That's why he pairs up with Brock Lesnar and the rest of his team... to keep this wall between you and everyone else! But tonight, Scott -- and tonight, gentlemen -- that wall crumbles! We will prove to the world that we are a force! We are the Dangerous Alliance! Tonight, gentlemen... let's get dangerous!"

Heyman walks off as a fired up Ultimo and Tajiri follow. Colt takes a step or two to follow them before screeching to a halt. He looks to the camera.

Colt: "Did Paul just quote Darkwing Duck?"

- My sources tell me that Colt would always be giving punchlines for serious promos by his tag team partners, so I like this little nod. I have no clue if it will continue, though.

- WWE Tag Title tournament, first round: Nova and Paul London v. Shannon Moore and Evan Karagias. Nova and London dub themselves "Pure Energy", which is one step away from having to come out wearing Koko B. Ware's pair of Andre the Giant-sized pants. And yes, you SHOULD be grateful if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about. Nova's about to start with Evan before Shannon tries to intercede and a four-way breaks out. Mattitude try Poetry in Motion, but London ducks and Moore goes flying over the top, followed by Nova, Evan, and London in a trainwreck. Back in, London hits a springboard legdrop on Moore for two. Evan nails a crossbody on London for two, reversed by Nova for two. Evan and Shannon both charge London, but he ducks and Nova hotshots Evan. London puts the Contra Code on Evan, Moore is dumped, and Evan eats a stack Blockbuster from London for the pin at 5:02. Spotty as hell, but Nova and London are a decent change. ** A HUGE brawl erupts as Matt and Basham return to take on Nova and London, but Eddie returns from nowhere to make the save. Nova and London thank him by bailing as a 4-on-1 erupts, so Undertaker makes his obligatory appearance to clean house. But this brings Billy Kidman out, and Rey's right behind him, and a weird three-way dance is going on until the three unite to beat up Matt. So here's Piper, who right now is playing the police chief from "West Side Story" or something...

Piper: "Hey! What's the deal here? Who do you all think you are, Eric Cantona?" (mild cheap pop) "Now listen -- I got me a Survivor Series to get to, and you guys out here are gonna have to keep from killin' each other long enough for it to happen! But ya know what -- at that Survivor Series, I got me an idea. So, just for you folks in England... part of the United Kingdom... which is the best damn nation in the world cuz it gave us Roddy Piper... I'm ready to announce the first Survivor Series match for 2004!

Now, Matt -- you got yourself a nice posse there, but it looks like you got yourself a few people with different agendas. Ya see, whenever there's some discussion about the title, Eddie comes out, then Taker comes out to argue, so Kidman follows to gripe about his zombie wife, followed by Rey Rey here tryin' to put the band back together. So as I see it, it's one two three four people on Matt's side, and one two three four people on Eddie's side -- let's have an elimination match at the Survivor Series!

It's gonna be Matt Hardy, Evan Karagias, Shannon Moore, and Doug Basham on one side, and on the other -- Eddie Guerrero, Billy Kidman, Rey Misterio, and the Undertaker! Eddie, I hope you're ready, because you've just been named the captain of Team Turmoil! And Matt, I'd say your supporting cast MIGHT be a little undermanned! Good luck, you guys -- you're all gonna need it!"

- WWE Tag Title tournament, first round: Edge and Eric Angle v. Right to Censor. Ah, so THIS is the man Edge was given. Edge and Bull start as Cole drops their Vengeance match and I realize what a miracle a repeat performance would be. Edge gets a hiptoss and bodypress, and Morley comes in, only to run into a hiptoss, elbowdrop, and bodyslam. Cole quickly reminds us of the No Mercy main event, where Edge basically won the tag belts by himself. Morley leaves, and Bull tries the rebound clothesline, but Edge sees it and ducks, only to get blasted by Bull with a lariat on the rebound. Bodyvice gutbuster gets two. Morley in with the running knee smashes to his brother-in-law (remember?) and a Russian legsweep for two. Bull gets a powerbomb for two. Morley tags in, but the Moral High Ground misses. Hot tag Eric, who goes nuts with the usual on Morley. Edge takes Bull out with a pescado, and the Angle Lock gets the tap at 5:13. Typical TV match. ** Kurt Angle appears and promises to beat Eric when they meet in the semifinals. Good for him.

- Konnan v. James Maritato. Hey, Konnan's back. Now I can sleep at night. This is the usual Konnan match, as someone should put him in tag with Road Dogg and let Killings go solo. Konnan wins with the Tequila Sunrise in 4:11, and no, I don't care enough to fill in the details. *

- Tazz and Joey promise to show the APA what true street thugs are like.

- Tazz and Joey Numbahs v. APA. Huge brawl to start, and that's the match. Just a lot of punching and kicking without any tagging or semblance of order. Crowd starts chanting "boring" because nothing's happening here, so Faarooq heads to the outside and sacrifices himself to Tazz on the floor. Inside, Bradshaw beats on Numbahs and has him finished before Numbahs ducks a clothesline and catches Bradshaw with the spiral bomb -- now being called the Number Cruncher -- for the pin at 3:54. Somebody fire Bradshaw, now. -*

- BUT WAIT! Backstage, Pure Energy demand a mic...

Kelly: "Pure Energy, what's the deal? You asked for camera time, but you already won your..."

London: "It's like this, Kev. Earlier tonight we heard Kurt Angle go on about how he was going to beat his brother in the semifinals. We just thought we'd remind the Olympic Zero that he's not getting a bye straight to the semis. He's got a quarterfinal match -- and it involves us."

Nova: "So Kurt... if you're so damn certain that you and Brock are going to be undefeated like Arsenal, maybe we oughta be like Greece and knock out the big boys -- all the way to the title."

London: "You guys are good -- you guys may even be great -- but you don't have what we have. We are Pure Energy, and we make an irresistible force! C'mon, Nova!"

- Damn, there goes that subplot.

- Main event: Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and Nathan Jones v. Dangerous Alliance. It's a pier-six to start as Heyman joins us on commentary so we can get our fill of the two old managers bitching each other out. Honestly, they're like a gay couple gone wrong. Kurt outwrestles Colt, while Tajiri and Nathan trade body blows. Ultimo does the Asai onto Brock (who is practically on the ramp), but Brock catches it and slams Ultimo upside-down into the post. Ouch. Meanwhile, the ref clears things as Ultimo rolls in. Nathan waits and does a baseball-slide kick to Ultimo's legs as Ultimo is on his knees. It gets two. Brock enters as Ultimo can barely stand, and he grabs Ultimo for rolling gutwrenches. What's with locomotion suplexes anyway? Are they like a fad? Kurt tags in, and he elbows Ultimo off of Brock's shoulders from the top rope. It gets two, and Kurt hits a legbar as we go to break. We return with Ultimo near the ropes, but Nathan stepping on Ultimo's chest to prevent any further progress. Nathan's nonchalance in this match is kinda funny. Crowd starts a "You Shag Sheep" chant at Nathan, which he sells in wide-eyed shock. Too damn funny. Brock enters next, and he and Jones do a spike powerbomb on Ultimo for fun. Brock covers, Colt saves. Jones sets up for the KICK OF FEAR, but Tajiri enters and superkicks Nathan, triggering a donnybrook. In the melee, Colt gets a Tornado DDT on Jones and Tajiri follows with his Buzzsaw Kick, allowing Ultimo to crawl to the top rope and hit the Asai DDT for the pin at 11:54. Weird match -- darn those time constraints. **3/4

The Bottom Line:

Well, looky here, more wrestling! This tag title tournament has some fun storylines in it -- RVD/Hurricane hoping to cash in, the Kurt/Eric possible meeting, Nova and London playing spoiler -- and consider that Van Dam and Hurricane were relegated to Velocity this week. That's a loaded card. Next week's quarterfinals will be chicken soup for the tag team fan's soul, especially since the damn APA are out of the way.

Let's hope the plane flight back from England is okay this time.

*****

Okay, Nick! Troy! Tristy! It's time to begin the booking meeting. You have your first match. Talk amongst yourselves and let me know when you have an outline for it. There will be 2 more elimination matches like this one on the SD! side. So if you want to take one each, you can. Just gimme some info.

Dukes

[DonaldMick]

Colt: "Did Paul just quote Darkwing Duck?"

[tristy]

Nick & Troy, perhaps we should do this on MSN or something, since I've never done this before.

[Troy Maskell]

Nick & Troy, perhaps we should do this on MSN or something, since I've never done this before.

←

[The Third Dukes]

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Oct. 18 / 04.

- Live from Chicago, IL.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and Diamond Dallas.

- RNN time! He reveals a super news flash ("Let's see Gregory Helms get a scoop like THIS!") that the Halloween Havoc voting is closed (we knew that) and that the card will be announced TONIGHT. Well, I hope so. Booker T is our guest, and Orton wants to know if Booker is upset that he won't be doing anything. Booker questions Orton's knowledge, but it's a foregone conclusion, says Orton. "Only the best were voted on, and even these fans see you're washed up." Booker takes offense, and a brawl breaks out, but Orton gets the RKO to end it. Booker was, Orton is, end of story. Orton continues to impress.

- Chris Harris v. Michael Shane. Shane and Harris exchage wristlocks before Harris gets a lariat and slam for two. Powerslam, but Shane sidesteps a spear and gets a belly-to-belly throw for two. Shane dumps Harris and follows with a baseball slide and tope con hilo. Back in, Shane with a superkick for two. Back body drop, and Harris is in the Tree of Woe. Shane dropkicks him in the gut, then the head, then drops full-force to the outside whilst Hotshotting Harris' knee. He returns with a springboard headbutt... that misses everything. Harris tries the Sharpshooter, but Shane rolls him up and grabs the ropes for the pin at 5:34. Good start. **1/4

- Chris Jericho is the highlight of the night, and he basically does a huge rant on the huge number of people he could face and how he can beat each and every one of them ("And don't get me started on Randy Orton, Coach!"). He halfway challenges Coach to a warmup match before remembering it's not worth his time. He says he hopes Benoit won the vote, because he would like nothing better than to destroy Evolution from the top down ("...okay, so David Flair won't be a challenge.") Funny stuff.

- Christian v. Sylvain Grenier. No match, as Kane comes out and jumps Christian. Molly arrives to save, but Kane no-sells a shot with a mirror and Molly runs. The distraction is enough, though, and Christian attacks Kane from behind and pounds him to the ground. The two brawl off, tossing officials left, right, and center, before heading to the back. Well, Eddie was helped by fighting Taker, maybe Christian will get a boost from the brother.

- AND HERE WE GO! YOUR Halloween Havoc card is presented to us by Michael Landsberg and Wade Keller. They note that in some cases, the WWE brass combined match ideas, and in some, they removed stipulations that would be too dangerous for ABC/CBC. The end result...

* World Title: Chris Jericho v. Randy Orton

* World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane v. Sting and Chris Harris

* Women's Title: Alexis Laree v. Tracy v. Trish Stratus

* I Quit match: Chris Benoit v. Nick Mondo

* Kane v. Christian

* Molly Holly v. Eric Bischoff

* Shawn Michaels v. Rhyno

* Intercontinental Title: Chris Nowinski v. Lance Storm

--- Triple Play Match

--- First Meeting: Street Fight

--- Second Meeting: Submission Match

--- Third Meeting, if First Two are Split: Ladder Match

[DoubleX]

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

←

OK, I cakked myself laughing at that. Brilliant!

Prediction time!!

World Title: Chris Jericho © vs. Randy Orton

Intercontinental Title #1 (Street Fight): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #2 (Submission): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #3 (Ladder) (if necessary): Chris Nowinski © vs. Lance Storm

World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane © vs. Sting and Chris Harris

Women's Title: Alexis Laree © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Tracy

Molly Holly vs. Eric Bischoff

Shawn Michaels vs. Rhyno

I Quit Match: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Mondo

Kane vs. Christian

Let's hope I fare better this time than I did last time. Now get that show up, STAT!!

Edited November 26, 2004 by DoubleX

[Ace]

Ok before I predict just for pure humors sake the HHH/HBK/Hall vs. Kane/Rhyno/Batista match is ***** alone. I'm still laughing. anyways time to lose another prediction contest.

**********

Okay, guys -- Prediction Contest. The matches for Halloween Havoc are up, and it's up to you guys to predict the results. Here they are again.

World Title: Chris Jericho © vs. Randy Orton

I want Orton to win but it's too soon for Jericho to lose the title after the long build he had to get it so I see Y2J going over here by DQ or something maintaining the fact that Orton is a strong challenger and then orton wins at Survivor Series

Intercontinental Title #1 (Street Fight): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #2 (Submission): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #3 (Ladder) (if necessary): Chris Nowinski © vs. Lance Storm

Nowinski has the smarts to win a street fight But Storm is the submission specialist. That leaves the ladder match and I see you pushing Nowinski as the ladder match specialist who hasn't lost a ladder match yet if he wins it so yeah. Nowinski retains

World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane © vs. Sting and Chris Harris

Harris is gonna have to turn on Sting soon. Better late than never.

Women's Title: Alexis Laree © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Tracy

Alexis retains after Tracey "accidently" hits Trish or something

Molly Holly vs. Eric Bischoff

I dont want to see Molly get a title shot but I don't think your going to put over a non-wrestler over one of your few breakout stars of the past year.

Shawn Michaels vs. Rhyno

Rhyno is on a roll and HBK is in the way

I Quit Match: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Mondo

correct your mistake from Unforgiven and let Mondo win so he can get over enough to challenge Orton for the belt when he wins it at Survivor Series

Kane vs. Christian

I like the fact that Christian is helping Molly but Kane is gonna run through him and get himself DQ'd by beating on Christian with a chair

[Steve Corino]

World Title: Chris Jericho © vs. Randy Orton

Intercontinental Title #1 (Street Fight): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #2 (Submission): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #3 (Ladder) (if necessary): Chris Nowinski © vs. Lance Storm

Least I hope so. I like Nowinski, but it's friggin Lance Storm.

World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane © vs. Sting and Chris Harris

I don't see any reason to put the Tag belts on Sting and Harris. Now, Harris could get the belts if you signed Storm...

Women's Title: Alexis Laree © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Tracy

Molly Holly vs. Eric Bischoff

Shawn Michaels vs. Rhyno

I Quit Match: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Mondo

Kane vs. Christian

[AntPaulseno]

World Title: Chris Jericho © vs. Randy Orton

Intercontinental Title #1 (Street Fight): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #2 (Submission): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #3 (Ladder) (if necessary): Chris Nowinski © vs. Lance Storm

World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane © vs. Sting and Chris Harris

Women's Title: Alexis Laree © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Tracy

Molly Holly vs. Eric Bischoff

Shawn Michaels vs. Rhyno

I Quit Match: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Mondo

Kane vs. Christian

[Guest y2gudge]

We need some more Kliq matches cos Virch is a God when it comes to wit! :thumbsup:

World Title: Chris Jericho © vs. Randy Orton

I really don't see how you would drop the Title just yet, Jericho although going a little stale cannot drop to Orton, I'm hoping for a Benoit/Jericho match at SS where Benoit goes over and Evolution implodes.

Intercontinental Title #1 (Street Fight): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #2 (Submission): Chris Nowinski vs. Lance Storm

Intercontinental Title #3 (Ladder) (if necessary): Chris Nowinski © vs. Lance Storm

This match would prove Nowinski's status as a credible IC Champ by beating Storm 2-1, the fact he would go over in a Street Fight and Ladder match should shut up the doubters!

World Tag Team Titles: Batista and Michael Shane © vs. Sting and Chris Harris

Sting & Harris would be the perfect champs at the moment as this would be just a smaller spark in the mass destruction of Evolution, Sting deserves a Title too in my eyes after his strong feud with Orton.

Women's Title: Alexis Laree © vs. Trish Stratus vs. Tracy

Standard stuff - Stratus and Tracy fuck themselves up by being the bitchy women fighting over a man and Alexis keeps her head and retains.

Molly Holly vs. Eric Bischoff

If Bischoff is as much of a genius as I think he is then I see David Flair interfereing, punching Bischoff out, drawing the DQ giving him the win and the striptease he so rightly deserves.

Shawn Michaels vs. Rhyno

Yawn! HBK uses the power of Jesus to turn water into wine before beating the continually de-pushed Rhyno...

I Quit Match: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Mondo

Benoit pushes himself as No 1 contender by defeating Mondo for the second straight time in a brutal match, Mondo bumps like a bitch and likes it as Benoit moves on to face Jericho at SS.

Kane vs. Christian

As Molly gets screwed over later Christian shows the power of good does work as he beats Kane in dubious fashion.

*y2gudge*