2015 NFL Season

[munky]

http://www.si.com/nfl/2015/09/10/buffalo-bills-marcell-dareus-contract

 

Yay!

[Schlitzbrille]

 

As I promised, here are my (entirely scientific and totally non-subjective) rankings of the Week 1 starting quarterbacks, as ranked by how photogenic they are.

HONORARY MENTIONS: 
Kellen Moore
It takes someone special to make Matt Stafford look positively dreamy without his helmet on.

Kellen Clemens
The most photogenic Kellen in the league today.

AJ McCarron
NNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD!

NOW ONTO THE LIST!
2015 NFL SEASON WEEK 1 STARTING QUARTERBACKS, AS RANKED BY DEGREE OF PHOTOGENICS

32. Matthew Stafford
The dictionary definition for "puffy cheek factor"

31. Andy Dalton
The tallest leprechaun of them all. Has yet to win a post-season game in the NFL.

30. Eli Manning
More rings than Peyton. Was NFL's leader in Derp Faces until Phillip Rivers got into his groove

29. Ryan Fitzpatrick
Puffy Lips Factor. Geno Smith would rank higher.

28.Kirk Cousins
KIRK NO LIKE WIKI PICTURE. KIRK EAT WIKI PICTURE.

27. Phillip Rivers

26. Peyton Manning
At the rate his forehead is expanding, he'll look like a mutant Sims creation within five years.

25.Ben Roethlisburger
His ESPN profile picture would be better if he had some sweet-ass muttonchops. Probably give him a top 10 showing.

24.Aaron Rodgers
The less photogenic half of the ESPN NFL QB Wank Bank.

23. Cam Newton
YOUR SUPERMAN STATUS CAN'T SAVE YOUR RANKING.

22. Alex Smith
Does not look trustworthy. I blame Andy Reid.

21. Matt Ryan
I wanted to rank him higher.

20. Teddy Bridgewater
Grow out your hair a smidge and then we'll discuss moving you up.

19. Tony Romo
Will most likely return to form this year with an interception Week 17 when a trip to the postseason is on the line.

18. Joe Flacco
Undoubtedly the real identity of EWB member Plubby. Can't even crack the mediocre #16 spot, just like his passing yards statistics.

17. Josh McCown
Unremarkable showing for an unremarkable player.

16. Derek Carr
CONGRATS. This is the closes the Raiders get to being competent.

15. Russell Wilson
If I was going by team website profiles, you'd be where Dalton is. 

14. Carson Palmer
...looks like a dad on his player profile on the NFL site.

13. Jay Cutler
This one's for you, Srar.

12. Brian Hoyer
This motherfucker almost took the Cleveland Browns to the playoffs last season. That, and he resembles a less VERY STRONG CESARO.

11. Tyrod Taylor
ALMOST. GO TAKE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE ME TO THE POST-SEASON!

10. Blake Bortles
Best looking of the puffy cheeked QB's. Incidentally, Sen'Derrick Marks is in the running to unseat Terrell Suggs as the player I'd least like to anger.

9. Sam Bradford
Reminds me of Brad Maddox.

8. Colin Kapernick
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SELL JIM HARBAUGH'S SOUL TO THE DEVIL. THREE YEARS OF RELATIVELY GOOD LUCK, THEN A TERRIBLE TEAM AND A HIGH RANKING ON MY LIST.

7. Jameis Winston
FAMOUS JAMEIS USED AUTO EMPORIUM!

6. Nick Foles
That hair on his Wiki photo gets him here. His team website picture makes him look like a buffer Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. 

5. Andrew Luck
Please note these rankings are as of Week 1. By Week 17 expect him to drop below Flacco. (Incidentally, Colts to win Super Bowl 51)

4. Ryan Tannehill
AM-ERICA! AM-ERICA!

3. Marcus Mariota
Probably the highest the Titans will rank on any list this year.

2. Drew Brees

1. Tom Brady
GODFUCKINGDAMNIT TOM BRADY WINS AGAIN. He can't help it, he's quite handsome. Wish he'd grow out his hair once more.

[Maxx]

Tony Romo is criminally low.  Lower than Josh McCown?  You're insane, McCown is starting to look like a gross old man.

[DMN in the House]

Jay Cutler is criminally low, as I have it on good authority that he is smokin'.

 

I'll see myself out.

[Mick]

.

[Schlitzbrille]

Tony Romo is criminally low.  Lower than Josh McCown?  You're insane, McCown is starting to look like a gross old man.

Can't blame SCIENCE.  

[VerbalPuke]

Matt Stafford looks like baby hewey, but he's not as bad as the Manning Brothers...

DREW BREES AT TWO? HE HAS A LEACH ON HIS FACE.

[LL!]

I didn't like having to burn the Packers pick so early.

Agreed. It's shitty to have to play such a high hand, but after the epic meltdown that happened last year where a bunch of people were out at the very beginning, I see no other way but to just take the easy way into the next round. (And win again.)

[Schlitzbrille]

Matt Stafford looks like baby hewey, but he's not as bad as the Manning Brothers...

DREW BREES AT TWO? HE HAS A LEACH ON HIS FACE.

He's quite photogenic on Wikipedia. Also, SCIENCE. I AM A SCIENTIST.

[The Lusophone]

Think I'm going 49ers as "NFL team I'll occasionally check up on if I remember the highlights is on".

Because rugby boi (who I'm aware probably won't play that much).

[gunnar hendershow]

Think I'm going 49ers as "NFL team I'll occasionally check up on if I remember the highlights is on".

Well there won't be any highlights this year.  Or next year.  Or the year after.

[Chris2K]

I would like to take this moment to announce that I am in fact ready for some football.

 

EDIT: You know what, I was, but now I'm going to bed because Sky are pissing me off and there's another 80 minutes of the pre-game to put up with before kick off. Their summary of the off-season was "Deflategate, Jaguars want to play in London more, British guys clinging on to spots in the NFL, Jarred Hayne."

Edited September 10, 2015 by Chris2K

[gunnar hendershow]

I won't watch a minute of pregame NFL shows.  Halftime shows and postgame highlights are the extent of what anyone should watch if they value their sanity.

[Lineker]

Going halves with a mate on Game Pass I think. 

 

Oh, and FOOTBAW!

[Schlitzbrille]

go the fuck away quotebox i only needed you this time for my sig.

[Dan]

Going halves with a mate on Game Pass I think. 

 

Oh, and FOOTBAW!

You won't regret it. Use a VPN and connect as if you're in Singapore or Romania and you'll get it for super-cheap too.

[Maxx]

Think I'm going 49ers as "NFL team I'll occasionally check up on if I remember the highlights is on".

Well there won't be any highlights this year.  Or next year.  Or the year after.

Oh come on you're missing Rodney Harrison fondly remembering how the Pats rallied together and decided how they were the real victims of Spygate, and Gronk saying essentially "They hate us because they ain't us"

No shitbags, we hate you because you're cheating shitbags.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Maxx

[Your Mom]

I don't hate the Patriots but this is a bit much isn't it?  

[Maxx]

For this team? This is tame.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Maxx

[Your Mom]

The old owner guy grooving to T-Pain was kinda awesome though